November 27, 1999 – Saturday – 5:38 p.m.

Sometimes I wait for my life to begin

Sometimes our hearts should begin in the end

Sometimes my life is just paper and pen

But then sometimes I think of you

. . .

Tracey and I watched old Lees-McRae dance videos last night.  They were from four or five years ago.  I have forgotten that I am 23.  Those two numbers next to each other look very old to me.  But it is all relative.  I’m sure to others I’m a little punk who doesn’t know anything about life yet.  And they are probably right.

This month is ending and I have two screenplays and a huge paper to finish.

But this is not about me.

I am beginning to see that I will never do really huge things in my career.  Sure, I may make some movies, and I may have a few good roles on the stage and screen, but these things will never be greater than making a girl smile.  What am I if I do not love?

I am nothing.

. . .

Vince is coming, but I have so much work and a show to do.  I know not what Christmas brings, but I hope to see Marie and meet her family.  I know not what will happen for New Year’s either, but I do know that the following week I will be directing Dang!.

Oh God, you have much to do through me.

Hold the clock.  Stop the sun.

Speed me up.  Slow me down.

 

November 26, 1999 – Friday – 9:00 p.m.

I was in Lynchburg, VA most of the day and Thanksgiving day.  Tracey and family had to change their plans for Thanksgiving, so I went up to Vince’s and his parents got us Hotel room within walking distance of their house.  Natalie was there as well.

On Tuesday night Marie and I drove down to Currituck.  Once there, we really talked about what we are supposed to be.  She told me that her parents know about me and that when she talks to her sister, her sister always asks how I am.  That was nice to hear.  We both agreed we would let the relationship define itself, so we’ll see how that goes.

So, on Thanksgiving Day Vince and Natalie and I walked on an island in the middle of the James River in Lynchburg.  It looked so dead and barren, but also peaceful.  I did get to see Tracey and her family earlier tonight in Moyock.  They seem to be doing well and she is making a living teaching dance in Avery and Watagua Counties.  What a wonderful friend I have in her.  They live not too far from where Marie and I go to watch the moon.

Goodnight Lord.

 

November 22, 1999 – Monday – 5:08 p.m.

Things are getting…well…I don’t believe there is a word for it.

Marie came to church with me and I think she had a good time.  We talked later in the evening.  It turns out that eight other guys beside myself have expressed their interest in her since she moved here in August.  I see that she is a tall, thin, and beautiful woman of God, but that still surprised and shocked me to hear.  But then she said that all of those other guys didn’t really know the real her, but that I did.  She said she felt overwhelmingly blessed by my friendship and that scares her.  She sees me as a treasure.  So there is really nothing I can do except let go and be myself.  We will constantly try to just be thankful for what we have, whatever that is, and try to not look too deeply into the future.

I called Lindy last night.  It seems like Vince is going to be coming here on Friday.

Life feels to be move so quickly.  It is constantly changing.  The very moment something seems to be a constant, or seems to be secure, poof!, it changes!  Only God’s love and grace is constant.  Which brings me to mention that I believe I’ve felt Him more during the past few months than other times in my life.  I wake up in peace although my world is in chaos.

How excellent and crazy it will be to have Vince here!  My good, good friend, yet he does not really belong in this world.  Maybe he can find a place.

Lord, help me not grow too anxious about anything.  Help me take it a day at a time as it comes.

Thanksgiving is around the corner again.  I haven’t had Thanksgiving with my mom since 1993 and even that wasn’t in our home in Siler City.  How weird that I don’t have a home in Siler City anymore.

It is 5:30 p.m. and it is already dark.  I’m looking forward to seeing tomorrow’s full moon with Marie again in North Carolina.  Due to my rehearsal, we will only have an hour to spend there.  Only three weeks of classes remain.  Not only do I have to complete the semester, but I have to finish all of pre-production for DANG!.

Oh God, what is happening?  I laugh because I have no control.  I see your hand on everything.  I see all is fading save you.  I don’t want to be scared God.  I don’t want to be afraid.  You always seem so close.

 

November 21, 1999 – Sunday – 8:35 a.m.

It has been so long since I’ve written.  I guess I’ve been occupied.

Marie and I have been affirming each other more and more.  She is coming to church with me this morning.

Sarah sent me an email saying she was in love with me and that she is sorry for all she did.  I wrote her back forgiving her and telling her that I met the woman I wanted to marry.

I also wrote Mary, and she said for me not to go off and find a girl when there is one in Oklahoma who is still in love with me.

Mary and Sarah once meant so much to me, but now they only offer words on a screen. Marie is right in front of me.

I acted in two different directing scenes on Friday and I even directed my own.  All went well.

Vince is coming to spend about three weeks with me.  The bookstore needs some extra help, so he is going to live with me and take the temporary job.

These days are just full of unbelievable grace.  Marie is turning into my best friend.  I’m creating the Lord’s art.  My soul is completely free.  I’m finding beauty in this land, and it is mostly in Marie’s eyes.  What did I ever do to deserve such beauty?

The days ahead hold so much change.

It is a full moon on Tuesday, so Marie and I will return to that field in North Carolina to celebrate a full passing of the moon over our great friendship.  She will travel home for Thanksgiving the next morning and I will stay here and try to write a short screenplay.  I’ll visit with Tracey, Vince, and Justin, and I’ll work in the bookstore.

December will bring the final weeks of school, as well as all the final preparations for DANG!.  We had a rehearsal for it last night and it was just perfect.  God’s hands are all over this!

Marie and I are making plans to see each other over Christmas.  I can’t wait to meet her family.  Thank you Jesus for handling this relationship.  You are all that is perfect and pure and beautiful.  I love you Lord!

 

November 10, 1999 – Wednesday – 10:15 p.m.

The sun set across the Chesapeake Bay, on the other end of Portsmouth, beyond the ports of Norfolk, as Marie and I watched the red blood sky flicker along the water of the world below.  Sunsets, moonrises, barren deserts, and autumn woods.

There are other things going on besides Marie, but she is the only thing worth writing about.

I’m surviving the semester but I’m seeing that I need help to get me through this life.  I can’t survive on moviemaking alone.  I can’t even survive on human love alone.  I can only survive on the love of God, but I see how he is using both work and love to show me his goodness and his grace.

I want to share this with Marie.  I want us to be bond together with Jesus.  But your will God, not mine.

November 8, 1999 – Monday – 11:00 a.m.

Eddie from Lees-McRae is going to be in my movie. He’ll spend the first week of January with me.  So that’s exciting!

I saw Marie on Saturday night.  She is so beautiful!  We talked about relationships and knew we were something, but didn’t know what title to give it.  She said the only relationships God speaks of in his Word are friendships and marriage, so she was hesitant to label us as anything in between.  I don’t think she’s ever had a boyfriend before.

I told Kimberly and Sterling about her, as well as Lindy and Vince.  She is amazing to me.  I feel like a school boy, oh wait, I still am.

November 5, 1999 – Friday – 11:50 p.m.

Thank you Jesus.

Marie just left.  She came over to watch Smoke Signals with me.  We talked over Celtic Christmas music and candlelight for two hours.  She surpasses them all.  Can she have me God?  Can I give myself to her?

She came over Thursday as well.  She’s so beautiful.  Her face tonight, lit by a single candlelight, shadows dancing across her face.  The simple way she would speak.  The way her eyes would lift and look through me.  The questions she would ask and the stories she would tell.  The way she would talk about God.  I feels I’ve never known anything so right.

At times Regent and Virginia Beach have always felt a bit off for me.  I wasn’t sure if this was home or not.  But ever since Marie, I’ve never felt more at home in my life.

You are wonderful Lord.

 

November 3, 1999 – Wednesday – 11:54 a.m.

A new month, a new week, a new day.  The final night of October was fantastic!  After church I went out to eat with Josh, Robin, Jason, Angie, and Christ from church.  We watched The Matrix at Josh’s house.  I then picked up Marie and she came with me to the Hillbilly Harvest at church.  It was fun!  Then we went to the Cinema/TV prayer meeting which is now called “The Gig,” meaning “God is Good!”

Winnie asked me to be in her Christmas show titled “Clown of God.”  I said yes.  I play this funny little thug.  I sure hope I have the time to do it.

I went over to Marie’s last night to read some of her writing.  She is easily the best thing around here.  I’m so amazed by her.  I give her to you God.