A lovely day.
Yesterday was rainy, but still wonderful. I think I prefer rain over sunshine, especially in the mountains.
Jeni came over and we talked. Dan and Allen were here and we began talking about relationships. Then Jeni said to Dan, as though I wasn’t there, “I could never see myself dating Jacob again, mainly because his spiritual relationship with God is so much further along than mine.”
That statement surprised me greatly. After Dan and Allen left, Jeni and I talked about it. She said that Abigail and Tracey feel the same way; I somehow make them feel inferior. “But I don’t do anything!” I told Jeni. “I’m just me, I don’t think or even try to act like I’m better. In fact, I’m the lowest of the low.”
She said that maybe it was just their own spiritual insecurity. She said it was the hardest thing in the world for each of them since they all love me so much.
I didn’t understand. They love me, but don’t want to pursue anything further with me because I make them feel less close to God?
Then Jeni confessed that over the summer when she stayed with me, she went into my room and read my journal. She immediately started crying, fearing I would hate her. She said she opened it up to May 7th, 1997, I believe. And well, you should flip back and read it for this to make sense, but she said that reading that nearly killed her and she wished she had never read it.
I explained what that entry meant to me and I forgave her.
Then she told me that she told Abigail once, “No matter who Jacob marries, she will never be worthy enough. He is wonderful.”
There it is. Because I love God, girls are turned away. I guess following Jesus does cost something.
But all that was yesterday and I woke up today with a smile on my face.
Speaking of girls, Sherlive is completely confused and foggy about life. She is asking questions that shouldn’t be asked. I used to think she had it all together, but she is in the ozone. I spent three hours talking with her last night. I asked her to lay her head in my lap so I could just pet her hair and pray for her. She never seemed to relax.
Dan told me later on, “Jacob it’s going to be terrible next year.”
“Who’s going to be here to take care of us?”