January 31, 1999 – Sunday – 11:38 p.m.

What an amazing weekend!  Friday, after youth group, Kimberly, Sterling, Christin, new friend Tessa, and a few others went to eat at IHOP.  These girls are the joy of my life these days.  I took Kimberly home afterwards.

Saturday, after going to Northwest River Park to measure a pier I found there for a short film I hope to make, I went to Kim’s birthday party, and everyone just had a fantastic time.  There was so much laughter!

Afterwards, some of us went to the movies and saw She’s All That.  It was definitely a movie for 16-year-old girls, but that’s who I surrounded by, so it was fun.  I took Kimberly home then as well.  I sat next to her in church this morning and felt like a helpless high schooler again.  She’s unbelievable, and I wanted so badly to reach over and hold her hand, but I didn’t.  Sometimes it feels like I like every girl I ever meet.

I went over to Sterling’s this afternoon and we played in her room all afternoon.  At the Super Bowl party tonight at church, the teenagers started talking about potential guy/girl relationships, so I walked away and stayed out of it.  Later Rebekah came and talked to me and asked me if I knew how women wanted to be treated.  I shared my answer and her mouth hung open in disbelief.  She said I was spot on.  My feelings then were bittersweet.  Many women tell me I have them all figured out, yet I don’t have anyone to give share my life with.

David and I talked a bit after everyone left.  He is interested in a 20-year old girl at church.  He’s 26.  It should happen.

February is around the corner, so it feels like talk of love and relationships is in the air.

But no matter how much I dream of Kimberly or Christin, these girls are simply too young for me at this stage of life.  They are Winter Dreams.  I will have moved on from here by the time they are of the right age for a serious relationship to truly go anywhere.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t lose sleep thinking about them now.

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November 11, 1998 – Wednesday – 12:55 a.m.

Tonight was wonderful.  I had dinner over at Kimberly’s, and we worked on sign language stuff for the show.  I like the way she laughs; her whole body just vibrates with no sound.

I came back after five hours and worked on a paper, then I felt the need to call Sarah.  She actually talked to me a little.  She is not good, her life is confusing, and without purpose.  She told me about getting drunk on Halloween.  I prayed for her and we were able to talk about our relationship and what really happened between us and what it meant.  And we agreed on this:  that I let her bring me to the place I am now, but she never let me bring her.

But it isn’t too late.  It is never too late.

July 25, 1998 – Saturday – 8:10 p.m.

I have so little time left here.  So little time left in Africa.  So little time around these people.  So little time left on this planet.

I read a quote today by Frank Lawbach, “I have this minute in my control.  It is all I really do have to work with.  It is as magnificent or drab or vile as the thoughts which fill it.  I fear our most common sin is empty minutes.”

Ephesians 5:15-16 tells us to redeem the time, to set our time free from evil, to fill our life with good.  My life is full of empty minutes.  But I don’t want to live through another one ever again.  The other teams that went to Swaziland and Escourt came back today.  It was so great to see everyone.  I had been missing them and didn’t even know it.  I spent time talking with Jessica.  She has such a sweet spirit in her.  And then I talked with a girl named Emily here.  She is 15 and so smart.  She has such a Godly heart.  And while talking with her and hearing her passions, I realized that so many of the minutes I spent with Sarah were empty.  Many were filled with life, but many were not.  I was hurt by her.  Why do the ungodly ones always want me, but the Godly ones never do?

Well, last night, we went to a youth service, and I went up for prayer for God to help me give my past up to him.  I ended up on the floor and God definitely did some work in me.

And so, I am moving forward.  I will still keep in touch with Sarah, but I need to let her know that I need to be away from her to grow.

I think she already knows that though.

 

June 9, 1998 – Tuesday – 2:00 p.m.

After church on Sunday I went to visit Jenna and Tenielle.  Jenna was at home, but Tenielle was at work.  Jenna was still beautiful and very nice to me.  Tenielle was rude and kept saying I never called or wrote to her.

“I’m here now,” I said, but she didn’t care.  I’ll try to see them again at least once before I leave.

I talked to Cheryl for a decent amount of time at church on Sunday night.  She is doing really well, and I’m super glad to see that.  However she said that Ryan and Amy weren’t doing really well spiritually.

Peter came over yesterday.  We played Nintendo, just like the good old days.  Sarah called that even saying that Jessi was going to come see her and they were driving up to the mountains to visit, which is exactly what I am doing with Lindy (as far as I know).

Marcus came to visit last night and stayed until midnight.  Right after he left, Emily called and we talked for exactly four hours straight.  Both of us laughed, and both of us cried.  We complemented each other.  She was so good to me.  I talked to her about Sarah and she talked to me about Brandon and how much she was hurting.  I tried to explain to her how I was trying to handle Sarah and I since I was leaving.  I told her how honest I was with her.

Emily said I was doing everything right.  She said she could just go on with her life, just knowing that I was alive.  She says I do so much for her, but all I do is exist.  I just exist, but that is all that she wants.  She only wants me to alive, healthy, and happy.  Is that the truest kind of love?

As I was talking to Emily, I accidentally called her Sarah.  Oops.  It seems Emily and I have a perfect relationship.  We stand in awe of how amazing it is.

Thank you God.

Why did you give me so many amazing relationships?

May 5, 1998 – Tuesday – 1:00 p.m.

Sarah and I spent some awesome time together last night.  I told her the stories of the two novels I wrote in high school.  Can you call them novels if they were never published?  Hmm.

And I called Emily today.  I hadn’t seen or spoken to my beautiful pen pal in a year.  I woke her up.  She sounded so much older and so much more experienced.  She just got back from her first year at FSU in Tallahassee.  I told her my parents are moving down close to her and she couldn’t believe it.  I asked her about her first year at school and she just sighed.

She and Brandon got back together after he beat her up.  She said they had an amazing relationship for a while, but then it fell apart because they had sex.  They both felt guilty for that, but then she got pregnant.  A month or so later, she had a miscarriage.  Brandon then felt like he was off the hook and left her.  She was alone for a semester in her apartment, dealing with all of that by herself, and I started to feel guilty because I didn’t keep in touch with her when she needed me the most.

I told Emily about Sarah and how we both read her letters together the other night.  She said she wanted to meet Sarah.  I told her I may be in Pensacola for a little while and that we have to hang out.  She agreed.

This is unbelievable.

Emily.

We can never say goodbye it seems.  She messed up, but she is forgiven.  She explained to me how she was getting her life back in order.  I want to go down with my parents just so I can spend time with her.

It’s been nearly five years now since we first met on that summer night at Deep Creek.

My how we both have changed.

March 28, 1998 – Saturday – 11:40 a.m.

AH!!!!! I don’t understand!!

Yesterday at 5:00 p.m. the school had a cookout at Wildcat Lake.  Sarah was there.  We smiled at each other and when it was time for a big group picture, she stood by me and put her head on my shoulder.  Then we walked back to school together and told each other the coolest stuff in the world; she hadn’t talked to me like that in months and she did it while holding my hand.  We stopped and watched the sunset through the trees and stared at each other.

This is all I’ve been wanting from her, yet she chooses to give it to me after I supposedly let her go?  Why?  Why now and not before when we called ourselves a couple?  Why can’t she make any sense?  Are all women this way?  Why can’t a woman just mean what she says?  Why can’t her actions line up with her emotions?

I love women so much and I want to meet one and marry her, but man, if this is how a woman’s mind works, I’m in for a boatload of pain and heartache.  It’s not that hard!  You know you who are and you share it with others.  You don’t lie, you don’t manipulate, you don’t guilt-trip!  You just treat the other person you supposedly love with the respect they deserve.  It’s just basic logical reasoning; are women incapable of that?  Is it not in their DNA?

Oh Jesus, heal my heart and show me the truth.

March 7, 1998 – Saturday – 11:00 a.m.

Things have changed.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

The time has come for Sarah and I to end the type of relationship we have.  She doesn’t know how she feels about me.  I need to let her go.  I am a burden to her, not a refuge.

My world is getting ready to change.  I need to guard my heart so it will be prepared and ready for Regent University.  I also think I will have a more lasting impact on Sarah if I let her go.

I love her.

And when you love someone, you know the truest part of love is when you let them go.  And when you love someone, you can easily see when the time has come to let them go.

I believe it is now that time.

It is not a sad time.  It is simply a time.

Exactly when this will happen…I’m not sure.  I have a long rehearsal this afternoon and I’m going to a Third Day concert tonight.  My brother is also here visiting.

Sarah’s show and my show both open tomorrow.  She is in a one-act and I’m directing one.

I have a little over two months left.  I see Sarah and I in a lasting friendship.  She is one of the best things that has happened to me here at Lees-McRae.  God has used her to teach me so much.

I went to see Titanic again last night with Mason, Ann-Marie, Jessi, and a guy named Teddy.

Exodus 23:20.

I always thought I would be the one bringing Sarah.  But I was wrong.

My Sarah has brought me.

And that is all I need to know.