January 24, 1998 – Saturday – 1:07 a.m.

Oh Thursday night Sarah came over here.  Well actually it was more like early Friday morning.  We just held each other and kissed for about an hour.  It was one of the most beautiful hours I’ve ever known.  She is so amazing, so funny, so beautiful.

As I held her I studied her face with my eyes and fingers.  So perfect.

Oh God, have your will with us.  Thank you so much for this relationship.  These past two months with her have been so amazing.  I give you all the glory!

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January 19, 1998 – Monday – 9:40 a.m.

Thank you Jesus.  Oh man, God sure does know what he is doing.

Sarah came into my room last night after dinner.  A bunch of people were in here and she just kind of hung out.  She gave me a letter and I just set it aside.  She was sitting close to me and we were just joking around, but then we shared a look and neither one of us turned our eyes away from each other for a while.

The others went into another room and we were alone.  I read the letter she wrote in front of her.  She said that she felt like she messed up big time.  She said she never wanted to lose me.

We talked last night after the Golden Globes.  She said that all her previous relationships before me were just games, but she quickly realized that I wasn’t playing a game; that I meant everything I said.  I guess she just needed me to know that she needed more time before fully committing to a relationship that would be a serious as I desire for all my relationships to be.

But also, last night over the phone, we began to share our relationship with God to each other, and I got to share with her what really makes me me.

It was awesome.

I love her so much.

Thank you God for having us not get too far away from each other.

January 15, 1998 – Thursday – 10:00 a.m.

I’m sure this thing I have with Sarah isn’t going to last much longer.  Something has happened.  Deep down I think I know what it is, for eagles have eyes like telescopes.

She just never seems to want to be around me.  She says one thing, but her actions proclaim another.  She is rude and cold to me.

But what I don’t understand is that I feel like I’m actually doing everything right.  I’m putting her first, but even still…oh, I don’t know.

She called me last night and said she wanted to come and talk with me this morning.  So, I’m waiting.

The only thing I want is for her to be honest, honest with me and honest with herself.

. . .

She just called me.

She is coming over.

Help me God!

January 12, 1998 – Monday – 1:00 p.m.

It has begun.  My final semester.  All of my close friends are back now, except for Curtis, Abigail, and Ann-Marie.

Charlie and Kate and I went to see Good Will Hunting.  It was amazing, but man I think it had more bad language than any movie I’d ever seen.  Yuck!

Church was nice on Sunday.  Crystal has decided to not go back to school in Asheville.  She is going to stay home and work.

Saturday night I called Sarah from Dan’s room and we had a nice conversation.  We just caught each other up on our week and all that has happened.

During a meeting on Sunday night, I met all the new freshmen for the semester.  Sarah came in around that time and it was so good to see her.  She gave me a letter, a beautiful, beautiful letter.

I think perhaps you, the reader, should read it:

Dear Jacob,

Hi. I want to share some things with you. Let’s start with the fact that I am really really happy right now. You know how different times in life have different feelings? Well, for now, I am happy and I feel like I am waiting. God has brought me here, but am I making a difference while I wait? I’m just trying to live from the Him that I feel burning inside me.

I’ve never been good at getting my feelings across in words or on paper; if I could I suppose I’d be striving to be a lawyer or an author, but God wants me to do something. I know this because he saved me so many times; in this we are alike. You feel your wings itch inside and I feel something as well.  I want to rejoice in my life and how it leads me to live. I can see your wings Jacob, I know it’s true! I think I have chosen the wolf as my animal because they see and hear everything. This is the gift that God has given me that both delights and scares me. I see and know things that others can’t and what many overlook. These are pretty deep thoughts, thoughts that I share with no one because I’m afraid they won’t get it.

I am a sinner. We all sin, that is the part of our legacy as humans. I wish it weren’t so, but even the best of us do.  Most of the time we do it without even thinking about it.  I know that some of the things I do are not what you would call good, but they are part of who I am, a part of my past, a part of my life. I dedicated my life to God long ago and I gave him all of me, even my weakness, along with my joy, fears, love, pain, and stress. My life is his. I learn everyday. I’m trying.

Part of what I’m trying to explain is that… well, I love you and I don’t want to scare you away from me. For the next few months I need to soak as much of you up as I can, so that no matter what happens you will make me a better person just by being you. You understand don’t you? I love you. As I said, I wasn’t planning on falling in love with you, but this unexpected love for you excites and scares me. Except for my family and the few friends I have at home, all of my other relationships with people seem to turn sour. Please don’t let me scare you away. I don’t know what will happen, but I do know that we must learn from each other. I have found true love in your heart. Unfurl your wings and fly away.  

I love you.

Forever.

Sarah

It’s hard to know what to write after reading that.  But God is doing something.  After reading her letter, everything around me became more beautiful.  As I walked across campus today and had great moments with Vince, Justin, Josh, Sherlive, everyone; I realized that all of us were on the Titanic, Sarah too.  There is an iceberg ahead and it’s sole purpose is to separate us from each other.

But although the thought made me want to cry, I became full of so much joy because I know God has given me Sarah for this short while to help bring me beyond the iceberg.

I can survive this storm if she is with me.  I told her as much when we had a few moments alone last night.

After saying goodnight, I went to see Vince.  He read to me a long poetic story he wrote after he saw Titanic.  It dealt with Laura.  Man, one movie is ripping all of us open.  He saw it over Christmas with his family and he said he couldn’t believe how his mom and stepfather reacted; they only talked about the special effects! But Vince said he was dying inside and wished I was there so he wouldn’t feel so alone.  He didn’t want to be alone last night, so he came over and slept on the floor here in my apartment.  He got up in the middle of the night and threw up in my bathroom.  He said it was over Laura.

It’s good to have Vince here to talk to.

This morning we went down to the Jehovah Petra, the cross we built on a huge bolder in the middle of the river, but the storm and flooding that happened over the break must have washed it away.  Our place to pray and worship was no where to be found.

Oh, these days; my mind seems to be overflowing.  Of all those things, number one is my Lord, number two is Sarah, number three are these wonderful friends.

It’s so hard to see Sarah when other people are around. I want so badly just to hold her and talk with her about things I barely tell myself.  It’s difficult to see her everyday because I love her so much.  I don’t know how to be a couple with her, I just know how to love her and give her my all.

Every day is an amazing new day.  Every new day is the best day ever.  Are these the best days of my life?  Am I living them now?  God is so true and alive and real.

I love others.

And that is the greatest of all gifts.

January 5, 1998 – Monday – 10:00 p.m.

She has brought me.

But the question is, will she let me bring her?

Love keeps no records of wrongs, so I will not go into detail.

I went to see her after church yesterday.  We hung out with her brother and her friends and I had a really nice time.  Her friends are so talented and so much fun.  They seem to have accepted me, I enjoy being around them, and one girl really liked me and said I was good for Sarah.  I wonder what Sarah thinks about that.  We went over to an older woman’s house and ate homemade pizza.  It was so yummy!  Two more of her friends showed up.  All of her friends are high school seniors.  Some are still 16-years-old.  They are so young, but they’ve grown up in the city and seem to know things I don’t know and really have no business knowing.

When Sarah and I finally had some time alone, I shared with her what happened Friday night at the Bible study.  I wanted to talk with her about our relationships with the Lord, but she was silent.

I am going to grow and I want Sarah to grow with me.  But I’m learning nevertheless, for love never fails.

December 11, 1997 – Thursday – 7:30 p.m.

I went to our Team Meetings last night.  I saw Sarah there.  We were in The Pinnacle Room since it was the Department’s Christmas Party.  After a while of talking with other people and eyeing Sarah out of the corner of my eye all night, I finally went up to her.  She hugged me and I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk later on.  She said yes.

It was a cold and windy night, but the near full moon, diffused through the clouds, lit the world for us.  Bundled up, we walked to Banner Elk Park.  We had fun.  There was a lot of laughter and a lot of playing.  We were on the playground and she mentioned how everyone in the Performing Arts Department thinks we are going out.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

That made me feel like the idea of us together was a bad idea to her.

“I guess we need to talk about that?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

I went on to tell her how confused I was since I was leaving in five months.  She said she understood.  I asked her to help me in my confusion, but she said she couldn’t.

Wonderful Eternal Instances passed by as we continued to play, but we also found time to be still as we viewed the sky and moon above our small silent souls.

We ended up in a tiny cubbyhole only big enough for the two of us.  And there with her I could be myself.  My soul can go free when I’m with Sarah.

A second passed where I wanted to kiss her, but I felt what we had was going to fade into a lasting friendship and not a romantic one, so I wasn’t too sure if I should kiss her.

She noticed by confusion and asked what was wrong.

I told her.

“Why aren’t you sure if you should kiss me?”

I couldn’t answer.  I was speechless.  I wanted her so badly that I froze.

Forever passed.

“Well here’s my face,” she said.

. . .

Her face is so soft and her lips are so amazing.  I’m not sure how long we kissed, but she had a rehearsal to go to, so we had to walk back to campus.

I returned to my room and three hours went by.  All of that time was spent talking with friends.  Ann-Marie was there, as well as some of the guys.  Ann-Marie stayed until 12:30 a.m. and we talked about the weird and wonderful way we think.

After she left I stripped down to my underwear and jumped in my bed.  Before I even thought about turning off my light, I called Sarah.

Jaminda and Sherlive were there in her room with her.  She said the three of them were having girl talk.  An hour of conversation passed by and during that time Sarah asked me to write down Exodus 23:20.  I could hear Jaminda and Sherlive in the background and they were telling metaphorical stories that made me think Sarah actually wanted our relationship to grow, despite the fact that I would be graduating soon.

I couldn’t handle it anymore.  Finally I said, “Sarah, I’m crazy about you.  I know I’m not here for very long, but I want you.”

A weird sound came from her voice.

“Why didn’t you tell me this on our walk?”

“I don’t know, I lose my mind when I’m with you.”

“Well…”

“Oh no!  I’m freaking you out aren’t I?”

“No, no, no, I’m just really surprised you feel this way.”

“You are?”

“Yeah!!!”

“Well, how do you feel?”

“Well…” she began.

I listened.  And she spoke a series of words that I will never forget.

“I love you Jacob.  And I don’t mean “love” like I love all my friends.  I mean I love you.  I love you.”

I’ve never been shot, but it can’t feel much different.

And I love her too.  I told her.  I jumped out of bed and bundled up again.  We met halfway between our dorms super early on this Thursday morning.  We hugged and kissed at the intersection of the college store and said a prayer before we said goodnight.

When I got back to my bed, I looked up the verse Sarah gave me, “See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared.”

 

December 10, 1997 – Wednesday – 6:02 p.m.

All of my classes are over and I have no exams, just a couple of juries.

Auditions for the spring show One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest were on Monday and Tuesday.  I wanted so badly the part of Billy Bibbit and I got it!  He’s a stutterer who is picked on by the other mental patients.  They get a prostitute for him and he later kills himself.  It should be a challenging role.  Sarah was cast a prostitute in the show.  I don’t think she is very happy with that role.  During callbacks the director asked her to pull her sweater down in the front and bend over to see how much cleavage she could reveal.     It seems like she was cast as a prostitute just because she has larger breasts than the other girls.  I felt bad for her.

But life moves on.  Things are changing here.  Another semester is over and there is only one more to go.

I just realized that I’ve got the part I wanted to every show I auditioned for here at Lees-McRae.  God continues to bless me.

Yet, it seems the knowledge of my leaving seems to complicate things between me and Sarah.  What do I do?  She is beginning what I am ending.  Would a deeper relationship only harm the transition we are both in the middle of?

Oh God, please show me the way.