September 29, 1997 – Monday – 1:30 p.m.

A lovely day.

Yesterday was rainy, but still wonderful.  I think I prefer rain over sunshine, especially in the mountains.

Jeni came over and we talked.  Dan and Allen were here and we began talking about relationships.  Then Jeni said to Dan, as though I wasn’t there, “I could never see myself dating Jacob again, mainly because his spiritual relationship with God is so much further along than mine.”

That statement surprised me greatly.  After Dan and Allen left, Jeni and I talked about it.  She said that Abigail and Tracey feel the same way; I somehow make them feel inferior.  “But I don’t do anything!” I told Jeni.  “I’m just me, I don’t think or even try to act like I’m better.  In fact, I’m the lowest of the low.”

She said that maybe it was just their own spiritual insecurity.  She said it was the hardest thing in the world for each of them since they all love me so much.

I didn’t understand.  They love me, but don’t want to pursue anything further with me because I make them feel less close to God?

Then Jeni confessed that over the summer when she stayed with me, she went into my room and read my journal.  She immediately started crying, fearing I would hate her.  She said she opened it up to May 7th, 1997, I believe.  And well, you should flip back and read it for this to make sense, but she said that reading that nearly killed her and she wished she had never read it.

I explained what that entry meant to me and I forgave her.

Then she told me that she told Abigail once, “No matter who Jacob marries, she will never be worthy enough.  He is wonderful.”

There it is.  Because I love God, girls are turned away.  I guess following Jesus does cost something.

But all that was yesterday and I woke up today with a smile on my face.

Speaking of girls, Sherlive is completely confused and foggy about life.  She is asking questions that shouldn’t be asked.  I used to think she had it all together, but she is in the ozone.  I spent three hours talking with her last night.  I asked her to lay her head in my lap so I could just pet her hair and pray for her.  She never seemed to relax.

Dan told me later on, “Jacob it’s going to be terrible next year.”


“Who’s going to be here to take care of us?”


July 2, 1997 – Wednesday – 11:30 p.m.

The box office was relaxing yesterday afternoon.  Lindy and I sure know how to laugh together. After work, Jeni, Ann-Marie, and I went to the Emporium for dinner and to see My Best Friend’s Wedding.  I laughed so hard.

But it also me a lesson.  Earlier in the day, Jeni and I talked a little about what had happened between us a few days earlier, you know, all the late night kissing.  People think we would be a good couple.  I asked Jeni what she thought when she heard people say that.  She said she felt happy and proud.

But tonight, the movie helped me realize that Jeni is just a wonderful friend that I once had a deeper relationship with.  I do not love her other than as my sister in Christ.  And I do not want to be with her.

Thanks for forgiving me for my mistakes God.

This evening was wonderful.  Vince and I finally sat down and talked.  And I mean TALKED.  I can’t go into detail now, because I’m so excited.  But my friend is back.  I am back.  Allen is back.  Dan will be here Sunday.  We will strengthen each other.

Some things have happened with Vince and Laura.  Picture the way Jeni and I used to be so physical two and a half years ago and that is Vince and Laura today.  He knows its wrong, but there are other things with her personality that he doesn’t like and he wants to break up with her.  I will be praying for them.

But right now, I am so amazed by God’s grace, love, and forgiveness.  He is so great!

February 11, 1997 – Tuesday – 10:00 a.m.

After my wonderful rehearsal last night I went to Cannon Cottage to visit Jeni, Tracey, and Ann-Marie.  I was in a good mood and had a huge smile on my face.  They thought this smile meant I knew something about a guy one of them liked and they tried the whole night to wriggle it out of me.  But I knew nothing about a guy that might like one of them. And rather than them seeing joy on my face, they took that smile and made it about themselves.  They didn’t see me.  They only wondered how I might serve them.

Then they began to talk about me and why I am alone romantically.  Tracey said it was because I am not mysterious enough.  I give everything out in the beginning and that I’m so friendly and understanding and such a great listener, that the girl has nothing else to explore, or strive for, or fix in me.

I knew this already, but the words from someone else, stating that my honesty and strong character were also a weakness, caused me to grow very silent.  I was happy, yet hurting.

Sure, I am honest.  These girls think they know me, and they do, but only to the extent that I allow them.  They know who I am to them because I manage how they perceive me, but they don’t really know me.  And I doubt they’ve ever really tried.

My honesty frightens them.  My love frightens them.  They are simply too insecure in themselves to see how honesty and selfless love can serve them in a relationship.  They would rather play mindless games, gossip about who likes who, strive for mysterious first kisses from total strangers, and get a chill down their spine than learn more truth about my spirit or what I think about when I’m alone.  They never asked me why I was smiling; they only wondered what I might know about them that they didn’t already know.

These girls think they know what they want, but they can’t even see what they really need.

They think they know me, but they have no idea how hard it is to be me.  To have a heart like mine, to have the responsibility of being the one guy who’s trying to do things the right way and to pursue honesty and truth.

But since we are being honest, let’s get really honest.  Tracey’s statement that my honesty is unattractive and scary has more to do with the fact that her boyfriend slept around on her than it has to do with me.  She’s really making excuses for herself in an effort to some how live with her pain.  Girls always take it out on me when total jerks treat them like crap; like it’s my fault that my personality and character traits are in me and not in the guy they picked.

Oh God, I feel more alone now than ever.

October 16, 1996 – Wednesday – 3:30 p.m.

I called Sharon yesterday and talked to her about the problems with Kevin.  She then began to tell me about what Laura was going through; something Laura had been meaning to talk to me about.

It seems Laura has been going through what I’ve been going through with Heaton Christian Church.  Laura feels intimidated by Charlie.  She feels as if she is not free to worship.  We talked a lot about this.  She has been feeling this way long before I said anything.  She too has been thinking about Banner Elk Christian Fellowship.  But the problem is that the only church Vince has ever known is Heaton Christian Church.  He met the Lord there.  Laura was concerned about all the fuss that would be made if all three of us went to a different church.  But Charlie and others only see Heaton, they don’t see the entire body of Christ as a whole.

I asked Laura if she remembered when her and I were prayer partners.  She said, “Yes, I still have the list of people you gave me and I still pray for them.”

I couldn’t believe it.

That was months ago and she still prays.

I told her that I backed away from talking and praying with her because Vince came along.  The two of them began a relationship and Vince should be her prayer partner.  A relationship should never just be a guy and a girl; it should be the guy, the girl, and God.  Laura agreed with me.

I asked her if she and Vince had the kind of relationship in which they prayed, worshipped and read the Bible together.  She said no.  Vince is the man, I feel it is his place to lead them in that.  Laura has been thinking about it a lot and tried to think of ways to begin it.  So, I told Vince and he felt stupid because he didn’t know.  He seems like all they’ve been doing is running together and making-out.  So, he met her later and they talked about it.  Vince thanked me so much for helping their relationship out.

And for the rest of that day, I couldn’t get Laura out of my mind.  I couldn’t believe she still prayed for me and those names I gave her.

I will say this now and it will never change:  Laura, you are without a doubt, one of the greatest creations God has placed on this earth.

June 10, 1996 – Monday – 11:58 p.m.

Why me?

Something has come up.  Something unbelievable.

Dinner was nice.  I had to work on a paper for costuming, so Sherry offered to let me use her computer.  I got to her room about 5:45 p.m. and began my paper.    She cleans her room.  We begin to talk.

Before I get into our conversation, let me mention this:

Friday night, when Sherry and I plus two others saw Sense and Sensibility, we ran into Tracey, Derek, Jeni, and another girl.  We all said “Hi.”  Tracey stopped and talked to Sherry and I.  Derek walked on.

After they were gone, Sherry said, “I can’t believe Derek doesn’t even look at me anymore.”  And Sherry said something along those lines at least half a dozen times that night.

I invited her to church on Saturday.  She said, “If Derek is going to be there, I’m not going.”

So, something has occurred between Derek and Sherry, and I don’t think anybody else knows about it.

I asked her tonight.  She told me.  And then let me listen to voice mail recordings to back it up.

To be brief, Derek and Sherry were friends the first semester.  But from the end of January until the middle of April, they had sex 11 times, including a spring break trip to Florida, where it happened five times.  During all of this, Tracey, Derek’s steady girlfriend, went to sleep on her pure bed probably saying her prayers to the Lord.

Sherry and I continued to talk.  She doesn’t believe that Tracey knows what happened.  Sherry regrets all of it and feels Tracey has a right to know that her boyfriend cheated on her.

I began to talk to Sherry about the Lord and about how much he loves her.  We talked about the goodness of God for so long and she actually listened.  She wants to go to church with me, but she feels she needs to be forgiven by Tracey first, after Tracey finds out that is.  She wants me to help her make all this right.

I called Sharon for wisdom.

Now, I’m going to pray.

September 28, 1995 – Thursday – 12:05 p.m.

The show has been going great.  I get a lot of laughs.

I borrowed the Broadway recording of Beauty and the Beast.  It is so beautiful.  And it makes me think.  It is filled with such a romantic view of love and that is currently missing from my life.  I am around girls all the time.  I go out with different girls.  But there is no one here who I would even consider wanting to share a romantic relationship with.  I sometimes wonder if something so true and romantic could even happen in real life.  Does romantic love exist only in the movies?  Only in broadway musicals?

Even as I looked out from underneath the bridges of Chambers County in Alabama I looked forward to the days I would hold an angel.  But I departed Emily’s house in Crestview broken and at a loss.  Confused.  Hurt.  And sad.

But I survived and looked forward to returning to Lees-McRae.

That day came and Heaton Christian Church was there to welcome me.  And I now call this place home.

Crystal and Clifton threw me a birthday party.  RA training came.  Students came.

I looked for romance in Syndi and in doing so, I hurt James.

But peace was made between us.  Before that I spent four days in the high mountains, instead of sea level shores, with a soul that I still try to reach, but backs away.


Sunlight dances on the waters.  Everything is perfect.  But nothing lasts forever.

Holding hands?  Yes.

Closeness?  Yes.

But only skin deep.

Not what I want.

New friends are made.  They make me laugh.  College life is simple and fun.  Charlie and I still have good conversations about our faith that helps us to grow.

Antigone arrives and I show my talent.  People I don’t even know come up to me and compliment me on a job well done.  I became the best RA.  I witness and minister to people.

I love my Jesus.

But I don’t know.  Sometimes I stop and I listen.  I look.  I stare.  I search.  I look for a perfect person, another soul out there that I can cling to.

Special moments come along, but in my mind I see a smile from Christi.

Beautiful girls are all around me, yet I remember the laughter from Ryan.

Why do I want something so far away and so long ago?

But even in the past I can’t find the perfect soul.

I only find that in Jesus.

I can’t even find that perfect person in myself.

I look for something true and pure, because I long to be true and pure.

Perhaps someone else is looking for someone true and pure?  Perhaps I can be that person for them?

If I can’t find her.

Then maybe she can find me.

There is no reason to live, if I can’t do it the right way.  If I can’t do it God’s way.  I do this for Him.

No pain could be deeper.

No life could be cheaper.

No point anymore, if I can’t do this for my Lord.

He has washed me clean.

Let me begin.

Jesus is next to me.

photo 2

September 5, 1995 – Tuesday – 6:05 p.m.

Today has been great.  After my classes, Syndi and I went to Boone so I could buy some supplies for my lighting class.  We also went to a travel agency.  It seems that around the middle of October, Syndi and I will be going to Tampa, Florida on a train.

This is a first for both of us.

Our relationship is perfect.  It is exactly what I need.  We are friends.  The greatest of friends.  We might hold hands sometimes, we might even look at each other in a special way, but we are just friends who realize this is too precious to put into a serious relationship.