April 18, 1999 – Sunday – 7:09 a.m.

Two weeks and four days remain until I head back to Lees-McRae.  I look forward to walking alone on my own private mountain trails.  I need to think again with a clear mind.  The mountain air always does me good.

I called Allen yesterday morning.  Our conversation turned a bit serious when he told me that things went poorly with three of my dear friends as he attempted to do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing.  He said he feels terrible.  He crossed the line with each of them and they mean so much to me.  It hurt to hear it, but I can do nothing but love them and forgive them.  The conversation did make me very thankful to be there.  I’m surrounded by so much innocence and purity.  I would rather deal with loneliness than continually deal with the temptation I had to deal with during my days with Sarah.  God continues to heal me of all those past hurts and pains.  I want to me the real true me.

There really aren’t any girls here that seem to have my name on them.  My thoughts often dwell on Mary Jo, Kimberly, and even Kerstin, but I honestly don’t think they are for me.  I want to hold out for true love, and not just settle for a pretty girl I think I can live with.  Mary Jo has impressed me the most with her heart, but I’m afraid our future paths in life are completely different.

For my most immediate future, I want to live my life in airports.  I seem to find peace in them.  Perhaps because I already live each day watching others as I wait to fly away.

There was a funny moment that happened at IHOP the other night when I was there with the youth group.  I ordered pancakes and thought the thing in front of me on the table was syrup, but no…it was coffee.  And it came out fast.  I poured coffee all over my pancakes, myself, the table, those sitting next to me.  Marion laughed for the next ten minutes.  It was actually fantastic to be so the source of so much joy and laughter.

There are days when I like to be alone

To be still and silent

To listen

My stomach growls, my VCR rewinds

My memory does them both

A plane flies overhead

And I hear this pen move across this paper

 

Then there are days when I must listen to music

To hear the words of others as they dream

And to dream with them

I agree with Cindy Morgan, relate with Derek Webb

And adore Rebecca

But still there are times when my breath

Is the only music I need

 

And in this silent, I’ve come to ponder love

Is it terrible to love the wrong woman?

Is that such a waste of time?

If so, I wasted seven months

And can’t afford to spend this heart on the wrong one once again

The effort would be a tragedy

A ticking clock, never knowing the time

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April 15, 1999 – Thursday – 9:30 p.m.

Life is beautiful.

There are beautiful eternal instants happening all around me.  Moments of bike-riding with Kimberly and studying the photo albums of her youth with her under the amber light shade of her living room.

Mary Jo just left here.  We spent nearly an hour together just listening to good music, especially Caedmon’s Call’s Table for Two.  We have declared it our song.  Our conversation turned into a pillow fight.  She is so lovely to be around.

Kerstin came to visit me in the bookstore.  We seem to talk so much about relationships, despite the fact that neither of us are in one.  Oh how beautiful conversation is.

David and his brother and I are going to see The Matrix tonight.  They haven’t seen it yet. I called Vince last night, he said he saw it and he loves it.  He said he plans to spend the summer in Banner Elk, as does everyone else.

Everything looks better.  Everyone is beautiful.  Jesus has become my eyes.  To know him; that is the only reason why we are here.

Angela (from my South Africa trip) and I email each other regularly.  She is such a blessing.  She lives in Seattle.

I’m sure the air feels nice outside McAlister Hall right now, but I’d rather feel the air here.  How wild this thing is.  I don’t miss driving the hour back and forth between Siler City and Winston-Salem; I’m just glad to know I was once there.

I’m happy to know that I was a good undergraduate student and that I did it well.  Oh this life is not my own.  I’m so thankful for that; it’s easier to exist that way.  No burdens.  No fears.  I only task is to let go and love every minute freely and fully.  I job is to rest in his peace and salvation.

My beautiful Jesus.  You are perfection.  Thank you for the life you’ve breathed into me.  I love you.  I do, I do.

April 9, 1999 – Friday – 8:10 a.m.

I met with my research and writing group on Wednesday, but we got nothing accomplished.  Afterwards, I had dessert with Mary Jo at Applebee’s.  We pretty much just sat there and shared our entire life stories to each other.  She really opened up to me about her relationship with her grandfather.  It was a delightful time.  She invited me over last night as well.  She even baked me cookies.  What a sweet, sweet girl!  A girl who has come to occupy my mind.

After the cookies, I then went to the movies and saw The Matrix.  Wow!  I loved it!  I mean loved it!  It was wonderful!  I’m amazed by what we can accomplish with film.

April 7, 1999 – Wednesday – 7:50 a.m.

The past two days have been really rough.  Last night though, we had a leaders meeting at Robin’s house.  We were singing out on her porch, David’s brother was playing guitar, and the next door neighbor’s game out to listen.  I ran over and invited them to join us.  They did, and to make a long story very short, they both accepted Jesus as their savior last night; so awesome!

I went running this morning in the Lake James neighborhood.  I felt the desire to go there and pray for the youth in that area.

It is a beautiful morning.  A perfect day is ahead.  Jesus is the key to happiness.

March 7, 1999 – Sunday – 8:03 a.m.

Yesterday was unbelievable.

Friday night was extraordinary!

I have a friend in Jesus.  Our youth group is exploding; four people met Jesus for the first time on Friday.

And on Saturday, I directed and starred in my first ever film.  Not video…film.  16mm film.  It went really well!  There were some challenging moments, but I simply got creative and solved them.  God intervened!

Janie, the beautiful mom of 25 I met on Jorge’s film, was my leading actress.  It’s amazing how God arranges things for me.  Something as small as Jorge’s homework becomes a God-ordained moment.

Throughout the entire day, I felt I was home.

Thank you God for allow us to create and to tell stories.

February 18, 1999 – Thursday – 12:09 p.m.

Instead of just sitting and having hot chocolate, we drove to the beach and went for a walk.  We talked for about two hours.

She has a younger brother my age who is married.  He teaches at Greenbrier as well.  Their mother died about four years ago from cancer.  There are so many stories in her.

Amy amazes me.  She is so complete.  She’s such a beautiful girl with amazing eyes and lips.  I haven’t stopped thinking about her.  I want to learn all I can.  Every little detail.

Lauren said she blushed when she mentioned me to her at school.

I’ll see her tonight, for there is a missions meeting at Rob and Jesslyn’s.

Have your way oh God.

February 16, 1999 – Tuesday – 11:34 p.m.

Let me continue…

During our dance I learned she was not a student at Regent.  She’s actually a teacher at Greenbrier Christian Academy, where she teaches Josh, Charlotte, and Lauren from our youth group.  We met later at the drink table and just talked and talked.  We slow danced twice together before the evening was over.  We discussed God, church, missions, ourselves, and Swaziland, for she used to live during a couple of years in the ’80s.

During our conversation and in the middle of our second dance, I felt God took the veil from my eyes and there She stood before me, she with a capital “S.”

I called her last night.  I asked her to meet me for some hot chocolate at Barnes and Noble.  She giggled when she said yes.

All old things have passed away.  God has thrown a tidal wave over the footprints of the past.  The old me is dead, only Jesus lives in this body.