October 31, 1996 – Thursday – 5:40 p.m.

We just had our small group Bible Study.  Ann-Marie came.  Jessica, Abigail, and Shawna were there as well.  We talked about why we believe in Jesus and how he has worked in our lives.  We all told personal stories and then listened to some songs.  Ann-Marie cried.  It was very moving.  After it was all over, I told everyone how happy I am to have them here;  how important it was for me just to see them smile.

We all left for dinner, and on the way down we were walking on the side rails of the gravel sidewalk.  Abigail and I fell off at the same time and looked at each other.  We smiled.  I looked away, and then she punched me in the arm.

It was a tap of friendship.  Earlier she told me she was glad that I was here.  I felt like Colonel Brandon, when Mary Anne simply said “Thank you.”

That is all that I needed.

Simple love will keep me strong.


October 30, 1996 – Wednesday – 11:59 p.m.

This evening I invited my small group, plus Vince’s small group, to watch Sense and Sensibility.  We all gathered in Vince’s room.  It was myself, Vince, Curtis, Josh, Tracey, Ann-Marie, Shawna, Abigail, and Jessica.  Everyone had fun and really seemed to enjoy the movie.  It is such a beautiful film.  It is comforting to know that I own it.

Tomorrow is the Annual Halloween Concert at Heaton Christian Church.  A band named Believable Picnic is playing.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead is finally over.  It was a very enjoyable production.  Thank you for that Lord.

I will attempt a fast tomorrow.  God is good to me.  I want him to be the only thing I crave.  I am at peace.

October 29, 1996 – Tuesday – 1:10 p.m.

The show went well last night.  I heard a group of girls talking about it at lunch today.  They pointed at me and smiled and laughed.  I blushed.

I went for a walk with the Lord last night.  We had fun.  It felt perfect.

I ate lunch with Jessica, Shawna and Abigail today.  Abigail struck up a conversation instead of myself trying so hard to.  It was nice.  We ended up talking about the Lord.  I’ve invited all three girls over tomorrow to watch Sense and Sensibility with me.  None of them had seen it yet.

We had a chapel service today at 12:30 p.m.  Rachel put it together.  There was different songs and special readings.  I read a Max Lucado story.  Jeni, Tracey, Rachel, and Derek performed a song.  Those four people were such a huge part of my Freshman year.

Allen was behind me.  He was such a huge part of my Sophomore year; along with Dan, Vince, and Curtis.

I turned and looked at Ann-Marie and Abigail.  It is now my Junior year and they are already important to me.

The day will come when I will say goodbye.  I find that disturbing yet comforting.  I pray that all these names will last beyond my years here.  I am still haunted by the names of Christi, Ryan, Jenna, and Tenielle.

Oh God, your love and these names do last forever.  They are in my heart, my mind, and I will never forget them.  Give me a chance to hold Abigail when she is hurting.  May I be a comfort to her.

Guide Ann-Marie through these years of freedom from home.

And Father, please put a love in me that reaches all people.  Let me be your light.  Let other lights around me grow with me.  May our lights make each other brighter.

October 27, 1996 – Sunday – 12:45 p.m.

Four days are left in October.  Another month has flown by.

I am still here.

I am still alive.

Three performances of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead remain.  My family (except for Kevin) came today.  Dan, Vince, and Laura came last night.  Everyone tells me I did wonderful.

I attended Heaton Christian Church this morning.  It too was wonderful.

The whole world is outside my window.  The leaves are slowly falling away.  I want to serve my Jesus and my God.  But I’m not exactly sure how.  I’m not entirely sure of where to go from here.

But I will continue to listen.  He is the only clear thing.  Everything else makes no sense whatsoever.

I don’t know what will come.  I can’t begin to imagine.

But this is where I will stand until the time comes for me to move on.

It just feels like that time is coming way too fast.

October 26, 1996 – Saturday – 12:30 p.m.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern has gone on for two nights now.  Each night I’ve had people tell me I was the best.  I’ve spent most of the week working on my One-Act and I’ve had the show each night.

I’m so busy.

Looking forward to some more time on my own, but the show really is super fun.  Ann-Marie and Abigail are working behind the scenes.  Just seeing them blesses me.

I had a Mike McQuire Workshop this morning.  And I have one this afternoon.  There was a cast party last night, but I didn’t go.  I don’t like to be around all that drinking.  Ann-Marie went and didn’t get back until 7:30 in the morning.  She didn’t drink, but it kind of got to me that she was around that for so long.  But then again, I’m in no way perfect.

Mike McQuire helped in the production of The Usual Suspects.  He came to the show last night and said I was the best out of all the other 15 actors.  He said he could tell I was acting  all the way down in my toes.  Two other people told me I was their favorite character in the show.  I don’t understand.  I just go out there and do what I see as really nothing at all.  I just become Polonius.

I talked to Ryan over email.  She says she might come and visit some time.

Mom, Clay, and Nate will come tomorrow.

I ate lunch with Ann-Marie and Abigail today.  I just pray they both stay strong in the Lord.  For some reason I fear they may fall away.

I really want someone to look at me and smile in a way that causes the whole world to stop.  When will that come God?  When?


October 21, 1996 -Monday – 10:20 a.m.

I did get a hold of Tenielle.  She met with Shurby and had a deliverance session.  She said demons were cast out of her.  I praise God for that and still continue to pray for her.

My role in Rosengrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead is so easy and fun.  I thank God for my chance to work with that cast.  The show opens on Thursday.  My parents are coming on Sunday.

It has finally grown colder than usual.  The leaves are mostly off the trees and the top of Beech Mountain was frosty white on Saturday.

Wilkes came up to visit this past weekend.  He was one of the guys that worked with Vince and Ellen over the summer.  He and Ellen and I met up with Marjorie in Boone.  We went to a cool restaurant and simply laughed our butts off the whole night.

We ended up spending time at Marjorie’s house.  She such a cool girl.  I hope to see her again.

Yesterday, Vince and Laura and I visited Banner Elk Christian Fellowship.  It was great.  I saw a lot of people I knew.  The worship service was wonderful.  I want to go back, but next Sunday, I’m leading the Children’s Church at Heaton.

Jeni told me that Ann-Marie told her that I was a nice and sweet guy, but that my future plans do not go along with hers.  Therefore, she is not going to “waste her time.”  Which I agree with, but she seems to avoid me.  I try to talk to her and become simply a close Christian friend, but she won’t open up.  She is the props runner for the show.  Every time I talk to her she has this look on her face like, “Why are you talking to me?”

I wrote the two papers that were due, but I only read one play.  Vince and I leave for New York in five weeks.  Then two weeks of classes and exams and then I will go home.  I’ll work at McDonald’s for a month.  Christmas, and then 1997.

But before 1997 arrives, I have a show every night this week.

I give all of this to you God.

October 19, 1996 – Saturday – 1:30 a.m.

A long day (Friday)!

I have a lot of work due by the end of this weekend.  I pray God gives me the strength and power to finish.

I’ve talked to Tenielle.  She doesn’t seem to be doing really well, but I don’t know what’s going on.  I tried to call her tonight, but she was crying and said she would call me back.  Hopefully all of this will make sense soon.

My Crosspoint interview was today.  Vince was unable to go, so Jeni took me.  We had a good talk; seemed like old times.  We are great friends again.

The interview went well I suppose, but I place this summer job in God’s hands.

I’m going to get some sleep.  There is a Performing Arts work call tomorrow.  I have to read two plays and write two papers by Monday morning.

I’ll do it all though.

October 16, 1996 – Wednesday – 3:30 p.m.

I called Sharon yesterday and talked to her about the problems with Kevin.  She then began to tell me about what Laura was going through; something Laura had been meaning to talk to me about.

It seems Laura has been going through what I’ve been going through with Heaton Christian Church.  Laura feels intimidated by Charlie.  She feels as if she is not free to worship.  We talked a lot about this.  She has been feeling this way long before I said anything.  She too has been thinking about Banner Elk Christian Fellowship.  But the problem is that the only church Vince has ever known is Heaton Christian Church.  He met the Lord there.  Laura was concerned about all the fuss that would be made if all three of us went to a different church.  But Charlie and others only see Heaton, they don’t see the entire body of Christ as a whole.

I asked Laura if she remembered when her and I were prayer partners.  She said, “Yes, I still have the list of people you gave me and I still pray for them.”

I couldn’t believe it.

That was months ago and she still prays.

I told her that I backed away from talking and praying with her because Vince came along.  The two of them began a relationship and Vince should be her prayer partner.  A relationship should never just be a guy and a girl; it should be the guy, the girl, and God.  Laura agreed with me.

I asked her if she and Vince had the kind of relationship in which they prayed, worshipped and read the Bible together.  She said no.  Vince is the man, I feel it is his place to lead them in that.  Laura has been thinking about it a lot and tried to think of ways to begin it.  So, I told Vince and he felt stupid because he didn’t know.  He seems like all they’ve been doing is running together and making-out.  So, he met her later and they talked about it.  Vince thanked me so much for helping their relationship out.

And for the rest of that day, I couldn’t get Laura out of my mind.  I couldn’t believe she still prayed for me and those names I gave her.

I will say this now and it will never change:  Laura, you are without a doubt, one of the greatest creations God has placed on this earth.

October 15, 1996 – Tuesday – 3:50 p.m.

The trees are beautiful.

The sky is clear.

Ann-Marie let me borrow the novel of Braveheart.  I have begun to read it.  I’ve been thinking of her more and more each day.  I don’t know what it is about Ann-Marie.  At first, she doesn’t seem pretty, but then she looks at you, and her eyes are so clear.  Her smile seems awkward at first, but then it quickly turns erotic.  Her cheeks seem puffy, but then I find myself longing to touch them.  I’m not sure how I feel.  But she seems strong in her faith and I just ask that you continue to bless her Lord.

I just talked to my mother.  She is going through a rough time.  Kevin has gone nuts.  He won’t do anything she asks.  He totaled his car.  He runs up the phone bill.  He didn’t mow the grass when mom asked him to, so mom has kicked him out of the house.  He’s sponging off of people at school now.  I’m not even sure if he’s properly enrolled, I think the school kicked him out as well.  And mom told me that before he left, he hit her on the back.

I understand absolutely none of this.  What is his problem?  While we were at Sharon’s when he was up here visiting, he slapped me in the ear when I didn’t hear him ask me a question.  It was really embarrassing.

Oh God, why do I do so well, and my brother just falls apart?

I’m nothing special.

October 13, 1996 – Sunday – 9:45 a.m.

We are on the road right now, somewhere around Jacksonville, FL.

Yesterday was so awesome.  We rented wave-runners and went out in the Gulf of Mexico.  It was so much fun; it felt like I was flying just inches above the water.

That evening Syndi and her boyfriend Eric came to pick me up.  We went to this really huge multiplex with 20 screens and saw Tom Hanks’ That Thing You Do.  It was so funny.  A really great movie.  Syndi looked good; she grew her hair back and colored it blonde.  She is happy down here and it was great that I simply got to see her, the girl I held under the waterfall at the end of my Freshman year.

The other thing happened yesterday is that we heard on the radio that Tommy Moe was going to be at a Ski and Sports Shop.  Tommy Moe was a gold medalist in the 1994 Olympics.  Dan has posters of him in his room.  So we all went and got free T-shirts, he autographed them all and we got our picture taken with him.  Dan was really excited.  “I can’t wait to tell my parents that I went to Flordia to meet Tommy Moe!” he said.

That evening, whenever Syndi and Eric brought me back, I went for a walk around Kate’s neighborhood.  I prayed and sang to the Lord.

He is so great to me.

The air was so warm.

The midnight clouds so pretty.

My dreams are coming true.

I’m doing that thing that only I can do.