January 30, 1994 – Sunday – 12:45 a.m.

The day was too wonderful to explain in words, but if I even make an attempt, it will have to be later.

Right now, I’m sleeping.

January 28, 1994 – Friday – 9:59 p.m.

Wednesday night and Thursday night I stayed at that house in Bonlee and watched those two boys.

At church Wednesday, Tenielle gave me a letter and Jenna told me that she mailed me hers.  I got it on Thursday.

I talked to them a little bit, but then I left.  I went to church alone that night.

Since I’m going to college, my mom has been seeking better employment than her job at Dr. K’s.  Dr. K didn’t like her looking for another job, so her let her go.  Now my mom is without a job, but I know God is going to give her something better.

Thursday night, I called Jenna from the house in Bonlee; it’s not long-distance from there.  Tenielle was asleep so I talked to her for about 40 minutes.  I also called Scott.  He’s not mad at me, but he is upset with some other people.  I don’t know all the details.

Ryan got braces.  She looked better without them, but she’s still my buddy.  My friend who doesn’t pass through my mind as much as she used to.  It’s weird, I thought I would never get over her.  But I did.  I also thought I would marry Veronica.  It just goes to show you that every time I meet someone I think, “Oh, this is HER!”  When, in reality, it’s just another greeting and farewell.

It’s all an ever-changing wind that follows me wherever I go.  One that will flow with me until I am free.

January 24, 1994 – Monday – 7:35 a.m.

All of this is going to take a while to explain so I’m going to start now.

At the moment, I’m sitting on the carpet area of Senior Hall at Chatham Central High School.  I did not ride the bus this morning, but someone drove me.  First let me tell you about Saturday and Sunday and then I’ll tell you why this morning is a little different.

When we went bowling, Jenna and Tenielle didn’t play for some reason.  They just watched.  Tenielle was going with Wayne then, but she isn’t now because she wanted me to break the two of them up yesterday.

I did.

But Shar, Shane, and Wayne went with Jenna and Tenielle and I.  Tenielle told me that we would have had more fun if it was just us her and Jenna and I.

Well, Shane beat me in bowling and then we all went to Kiwanis Park.  It was late, we played Freeze and Justify and some human knot game.  Everyone was laughing so hard.

Oh, and I got pulled over Saturday night on the way to the Bowling Alley.  I made a wrong turn then got back on the road.  A cop was behind me and he thought I was drunk.  Everyone was scared out of their mind, but I didn’t get a ticket.  I just explained to him what had happened.

I took Wayne home and then Shar and Shane.  After everyone else was gone, Tenielle didn’t want to go home.  She just wanted to sit and talk.

Well, earlier on that day, when I stayed at Jenna and Tenielle’s before we left to go bowling, I learned a lot about them.  They have a good mom.  Her name is Ginger.  She has a very northern accent.  It is just the three of them.  Their mom runs a beauty parlor out of their trailer.  They are doing pretty good.  Their mom has a boyfriend who is over a lot, but he doesn’t stay there.

The bell rang.  So I’m going to Advanced Math now.  I’ll continue more later.

…

It’s lunch and I’m in the Library.  Let me continue.

Jenna is older than Tenielle, but Tenielle is more outgoing than Jenna.  The reason is as follows:

When Jenna was one year old and Ginger was pregnant with Tenielle their father died from a reason unknown to me.  Without the help of her husband, Ginger had to show more attention to Tenielle since she was an infant.  Therefore, as the years passed, she grew in more self-confidence than Jenna.

Their mom never let one go out with friends without the other there.  So Jenna is really dependent on Tenielle.  Their mom asked me to go down the road to the store; Jenna was too shy to go with me alone so Tenielle went.

Well, their mom doesn’t know me that well, but she is getting to.  When a person knows me well it seems like they trust me with anything.

Jenna and Tenielle share a room.  I told them about my Book of Days, so for some odd reason they started one.

Tenielle told me that I was in Jenna’s a lot.  Jenna wrote me another letter; I’ll write it in later.

When it came time to go, we left to pick up Shar and Shane.  Wayne was supposed to meet us there.  We had some time to kill so we went to Wal-Mart and tried to find wild clothes to try on, but we never actually tried on anything.

Well, the night eventually ended and after I got home that night, Jenna called just to make sure I got home safe.

Sunday morning, they wanted me to sit by them.  I did, Tenielle asked me to break her and Wayne up.  I talked to Wayne and he said he was mad at Tenielle because she was avoiding him.  So, they’re not together anymore.  I let them borrow some of my music and they told me that night that they really like it.

Jenna called me Sunday afternoon too.

Sunday night at church I sat between Jenna and Tenielle.  I gave them two letters each since I guess we sort of write each other now.

Scott came up to me later and asked me if one of them was my girlfriend.  He had a really weird look on his face.

The bell just rang.  I have to go to Computer Applications II.

…

I’m at home now.  It’s 6:10 p.m.  Kevin is on his way back to college.

So, where was I?  Oh, I told Scott “no.”  He just looked at me and said “yeah” in a really sarcastic tone and left.

Scott used to go with Cheryl and he asked Megan out last week.  She said she would feel too uncomfortable.

He says he wants a girlfriend.  Someone special to have and to hold.

I told him that I didn’t, that I’m just going to be everyone’s friend.

The funny thing is, my friendship with Jenna and Tenielle, just the time we spend hanging out and writing to each other, is what he is looking for in a girlfriend.  He seems hurt by all of this in a way.  When I saw him at the Pantry after church Sunday night, it seemed like there was a wall between us.

Does loving one subtract from another?

It shouldn’t.

But it might.

Well, Sunday night, as I will a few nights out of each month, I stayed the night at this house in Bonlee.  I watch these two boys whose mother is a friend of my mom.  My mom said she needed help and I’m helping her out.  The mom works all night at the hospital some nights, so I stay with the boys just to make sure nothing happens.  All I really do is sleep there and I get $10 a night.  I did it Sunday and I have to do it again Wednesday and Thursday night.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with Jenna and Tenielle.  Tenielle wants for just the three of us to go out.

It’s near the end of January.

One more week and then it will be February.

Then March.

April.

May.

June.

July.

August!

Seven months.

It seemed like yesterday I had nine months left.  I’m so young.

Everything from last year is happening all over again.  Except this time it’s twice as big.  

I told you I would write Jenna and Tenielle’s letters in here, so here you go.  The first one is from Jenna:

“Jacob,

You write really weird, it’s hard to understand, but it’s cool dude!

When you said Veronica was your first girlfriend, I didn’t laugh.  I wish I wouldn’t have gone with all the boys I have.

What are you doing now, besides reading this?

I hope you have fun at college, but everyone will miss you.  When you talked about Cheryl, what do you mean, ‘It doesn’t matter’?

Sorry I ask you so many questions, both in these letters and in person.  I don’t mean to.  I don’t even realize I’m doing it.

Well gotta go, but if you ever need advice you can ask me anything.  Even though I’m young and only 13 1/2, I am almost 14!

Love, Jenna” 

Here’s Tenielle’s:

“Dear Jacob,

Hi!  What are you doing?  I’m laying on my bed.  Well, I just wanted to thank you for taking us out and having a great time!!! I think we had a great time, but it would be better if Wayne and Shane weren’t there and maybe even Shar.  But other than that I had a good time.  I don’t really have anything to say, but you said if I need advice that you would tell me.  Well this really isn’t the advice, but… I don’t know if I really want to go with Wayne.  And I do, but I don’t.  I just hate when people tell me to do something and just like when you said, ‘we’re going to the park,’ Shane said, ‘What’re we going to do, play Truth or Dare?’ and he looked at Wayne and me.

Anyway, I feel like I can tell you anything and I trust you for some reason.  In my Diary, it says lots of what happened tonight.  That’s the part I’ll let you read because it is mostly about you.

Oh, you don’t think I acted like I like Wayne tonight, right?  I don’t want to break up with him, because I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  Jacob, please don’t show this letter to anyone.  What should I do about this?  I’m praying.  You might not think it’s a big deal, but it is to me.

Love, Tenielle.”

Well, the weekend is over.

And the Canon is continuing.

Dear God, may time never erase the way my heart sees their face.

January 22, 1994 – Saturday – 11:02 p.m.

Jenna just called me.  She wanted to make sure I got home alright.

But Friday came before this wonderful Saturday, so let me tell you about it first.  School was delayed two hours yesterday.  All my classes seem okay.  It’s going to be a wonderful semester.

That night I went to work.  Mike works at McDonald’s with me now.  Afterwards, I went home and we had a Lifeline Meeting.  It’s been a while since the last one.  Pam and Coy were there.  That was the first time I had seen them in over six months.  It brought back a lot of memories.

Today, or this morning, I got up and went to band practice.  Skit group was next, and we discussed a skit and then went into town to buy the music for it.

Afterwards, I tried to find someone to hang out with and I couldn’t find anyone.  I was alone this morning.  Marcus wasn’t with me.

So, I stopped by a Pantry and used a pay phone to call Jenna.  I asked them to go roller skating.  They were baby sitting next door, so I went down anyway and stayed there a few hours and visited with them and their mom and then we went.  Instead of roller skating, we went bowling and to the park.  I just got back and I’ll explain all the important stuff to you later.

I’m going to sleep now.  When Jenna called me, she said Tenielle was writing me a letter that very minute and Jenna had already written me one.  But as before, I’m tired, so I’ll write about that later.

Jenna is keeping a journal now, just like me.  So is Tenielle, and Tenielle told me that I am in Jenna’s a lot.

It’s all happening again.  But this time I have experience and I know what I’m doing.

I hope.

January 20, 1994 – Thursday – 11:45 p.m.

School was cancelled for today because the brakes froze on the buses.  I’m sure we’ll have it tomorrow, though.

Tonight, Scott came and picked me up  and we went roller skating.  I didn’t know how, so after busting my butt all night, I finally got the hang of it (sort of).  Jenna and Tenielle invited me to go with them to the next Christian Music Night that they have at the Skate Rink.  I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself in front of them, so I got some practice in.

Cheryl, Sherry, and Sherry’s sister Megan were there.  Megan was watching Shurby’s kids.  It was a lot of fun.  We ate at Pizza Hut afterwards and laughed our heads off at every little thing.

Thank you Jesus for laughter and joy.

 

January 19, 1994 – Wednesday – 8:40 p.m.

I’m at home.  We didn’t have church tonight.  Something to do with the freezing temperatures.

Last night Scott came and picked me up.  We went to Fayetteville and saw Cool Runnings; wonderful ending.  We played air hockey, got lost in downtown “Fayettenam” (as we call it), ate 7-layer burritos at Taco Bell and came home.  We had a great time.

Today I went to Mike’s house, then went to the orthodontist in Sanford.  I also read a lot of Les Miserables.  I’m in “The Descent” part of “Fantine.”

Well the good ole USA has been going one heck of a time with half of it freezing and the other half shaking.  I do not want to live in California.  Carolina seems fine.

January 17, 1994 – Monday – 10:20 p.m.

Marcus came over today and he said he needed to talk to me.  He needed to talk to me about Cheryl.  For a while now Cheryl has been telling me things about how Marcus has been showing her a lot of attention.  Well Marcus knows that Cheryl has told me all of these things because he has seen Cheryl talk to me.  Well he tells me he really likes Cheryl and that he wants a relationship with her.

Wow!!

I just told him that Cheryl mentioned it to me.  But the truth is Cheryl told me a lot about it.

Cheryl called me about two hours ago and she said Marcus called her and she had to break his heart.  She said it was the hardest thing she ever did.

Another chapter for Marcus.  He got hurt again.

Around 4:15 I called Jenna and Tenielle.  When I woke up this morning I told myself not to call them, but I did anyway.  They’re doing well.  I love the way they laugh, I found myself laughing that way earlier.  Tenielle bought me a Snickers yesterday, when I was taking them home.  Jenna asked me how long I had known her yesterday.  I wish I could relive that drive again. Oh, and I found out that they left church last night because Shar got sick.

Today, I just told them about some crazy stuff from my past.  Cheryl, Kevin, and Marcus, won’t let me see the end of this thing with Jenna and Tenielle.  They keep picking on me.  I sort of enjoy it, but we are only friends.  But how far can a friendship go before it’s considered more than a friendship?

I hope I don’t find out, but then I hope I do.

Jacob, Jacob…control your emotions.  You’re letting this go to your head.

January 17, 1994 – Monday – 12:46 p.m.

Today is my older brother’s birthday.  He is 19.  

A few minutes earlier my whole body was shaking.  I couldn’t control it.  Ever since I woke up I’ve been thinking of Jenna and Tenielle. Jenna mostly.

Yesterday morning they weren’t at church.  I went to Scott’s after church and they showed up to the evening service.  I had a letter for Jenna, answering the questions she asked me when she wrote me.  I was up on stage and I didn’t have a chance to give it to her.  Shar’s whole family, Sunny, Jenna, and Tenielle all got up and left a few minutes after Shurby began preaching.  At first I was sort of confused.  But I figured it must have been an emergency if the whole family left.  So this morning, I mailed Jenna her letter.

This is what Jenna’s letter said.  It shows her age a little bit, but I still found it sweet:

“Jacob, I think the youngest age for you should be 14.  Don’t get mad at me, but why did you like Veronica?  I don’t think Veronica knows how to act in front of anyone, even though I really don’t know her.  But if 14 doesn’t work, go to 15.  Do you want to go with anybody?  I think Cheryl likes you.  I asked her Sunday night who she liked, she said some boy at her school, but I think she likes you.  Do you think she does because of the way she acts?  Do you still like Tenielle even though she’s 12?  You look like a cherry on the stage, I think it’s funny but not in a bad way.  Please answer this question: when is the last time you cried?  Please don’t lie to me, I’m not going to make fun of you.  Please tell me the reason you cried, too.  Do you know Steve, Melissa’s brother?  He goes with Shar, but don’t tell anyone.  Do you think they are a good couple or is he kind of perverted?  Not that I’m interested but how do you act when you go with someone?”

I answered all her questions.  When she asked me if I want to go with anybody, I said no, because I’m going off to college soon and it would be simpler if I were just friends with that person.  And when she asked me if I still like Tenielle, I said “Yes, I like her the same way I like you.”

And I do.  I like them both.  I enjoy being around them.  Jenna will be 14 in March and that’s only three years.  When I liked Ryan, she was 14 and 15; same with Christi.

But earlier today, I didn’t know what to do.  I want to get close to Tenielle and Jenna, but I just don’t want to get hurt.  

My life is a book.  And I’m writing it down.  I want to be honest with myself and never cover up how I really feel.  But sometimes, I just don’t know how I feel.

January 15, 1994 – Saturday – 10:30 p.m.

Today is January 15, 1994 and today would go under the category of “One of the Best Days of My Life.”  It wasn’t exactly what happened that made it a good day, but it was more about what I learned.

The only way to begin is with last night, which also ties in with today.

After work, I went to Mr. Gatti’s; mom dropped me off.  Jenna, Tenielle, Shar, and Sunny showed up a few minutes later.  Shar and I split a pizza.  Then Scott showed up and he had a few slices.  Later, Jenna, Tenielle, Shar, Sunny and I played a game.  It’s too difficult to describe here, but we had a blast.

While we were playing, Ryan came in with a friend.  They sat at a table across the room and then a guy sat with them.  For about 45 minutes I didn’t say a word to her, then I excused myself from the game for a moment and went over to her table and said, “I just wanted to say ‘hey’ so you couldn’t accuse me of being stuck up later.”  I smiled.  She smiled back and said, “Oh Jacob,” and I left and went back and sat with the four girls.

Four.

It hit me.  Something was different.  All the other times I went to Mr. Gatti’s it was always with Ryan, Amy, Cheryl, and Christi.

Now, I was with Jenna, Tenielle, Sunny, and Shar.  Retrospect hit me and all the girls noticed something was wrong and kept begging me to tell them what I was thinking.  Jenna and Tenielle mostly.

The five of us joked about everything.  I never did tell them though until later.  The evening was great fun, but then we had to leave.  Sunny’s parents came to pick them up and they said that they needed a ride tomorrow to the door to door ministry shindig.  I offered to pick them up.  Sunny’s mom gave me directions.

They left.  I went with Scott to his house and Kevin picked me up from there later.

We went home and soon, morning came.

We picked up Marcus, like we do every Saturday morning, (unless he’s staying the night), and we drove to Sanford.  Cheryl showed up at Band Practice.  I was supposed to leave at 10:00 a.m. to get Jenna, Tenielle, Sunny, and Shar.  I didn’t leave until 10:30 a.m. since Kevin and Marcus took the car to get something to eat.

Well, I’ve never been in that part of Lee County before and I got lost.  When I finally found their house, I discovered that they somehow conjured up another ride and had already left because they didn’t think I was coming.  Well, I drove back and when I arrived at the church, I saw Tenielle running out to explain everything.  Jenna and Shar followed.  Sunny didn’t come.

We all had a good laugh.  We then went in and prayed for a while and then head out into the city to spread the Word.

Dear God…I saw poverty today like nothing I’ve ever seen before.  And I complain when the hot water in the shower runs out.  It made me thankful.

Very thankful.

A few people got saved, one baptized in the spirit.  A wonderful, wonderful, time.  There is nothing like sharing the gospel.  I love it.

We all ate pizza back at the church and had a service.  I took the three girls back and we had a wonderful conversation.  I told them what I was thinking about in terms of Ryan and the other girls I used to spend a lot of time with.  They were thankful I was with them.  I wish I could live through that conversation again.  There was more laughter and joy in that short drive than I’m most experience in a week.

I took Shar to her house and Jenna and Tenielle to theirs.  They live in a trailer park.  The trailer itself isn’t that bad.  When we got there, Jenna gave me a letter she had written to me the night before.  And their mom gave me $3 for gas money…I accepted.

We said our goodbye’s and I left.  While I drove off, I saw Jenna come outside in the bitter cold and wave goodbye.  I waved back and drove on.  In the rearview mirror, I saw her standing there waiting until she couldn’t see my car anymore, then I’m assuming she went back inside.

I smiled.

When I got back to the church, the skit group met and we got stuff cleared away.

Then myself, Kevin, Marcus, Cheryl, and Sherry and her sister all went bowling.  I won and then the three girls left while I watched Kevin and Marcus play a game in the arcade.  While there, I saw so many people acting “worldly.”  Praise God I’m a Christian.  I can be myself and take off my mask.  Everyone always seems to be performing for everyone else; trying to get attention; simply being too loud.  It’s like I’m the only one who is aware of who I am.

We went home, and I read Jenna’s letter.  I’ll try to write in here later.

The reason today was so wonderful was because it was so simple.

Right now I’m going to call Brandon; Mom said he called earlier.

And I’m going to end this wonderful day by talking to my wonderful friend who moved across America more than a year ago.

January 13, 1994 – Thursday – 10:02 p.m.

I took my Computer Applications exam this morning.  That is the only exam I had to take.  It was easy.

I got home around 10:30 a.m.  Later today around 5:00 p.m. I called Wayne to ask him for Jenna and Tenielle’s phone number.  I wanted to see if they were interested in Skit Group.

Wayne forgot their number, so instead he gave me Shar’s number.  I called her and guess who was there?  Yep.  Jenna and Tenielle.  I talked to them, I asked Jenna for her number, she gave it to me.

They didn’t know about the VIP thing (it’s the after ballgame thing at Mr. Gatti’s), so I told them and invited them.

I told Jenna about skit group, but she said, “I’m not an actor.”

I should see them tomorrow after work.