August 27, 2000 – Sunday – 8:47 a.m.

It really has been a good year.

A fun relationship.

Wonderful weddings.

A relatively painless ending of that relationship.

A new church.

New faces.

I’ve been working on my movie.

I visited New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and West Virginia.

Not bad so far.

Theresa ended her friendship with my roommate Dan after he told her that God said she was supposed to be his wife.  Dan’s in Canada at the moment.  Theresa is in New Mexico. Yet they still affect each other.  Dan comes back on Tuesday.

Chris is back from his five week Europe trip.  He and Kirsten are together again.  He wants to propose over Christmas.  He, however, is going to do theater in Montana until Thanksgiving.  There’s a going-away party for him today.

Lord and I give August, and everything after, to you.

August 25, 2000 – Friday – 12:45 p.m.

Four months until Christmas!

I’m at a baseball field near the park that’s closest to my job.  I’m looking forward to the Counting Crows concert in Virginia Beach tonight.

I talked to both Curtis and Dan last night and I finally began writing out the plot for a feature screenplay I’m calling Winter Dreams.

In one week I’ll be in Banner Elk again.  Dan says I can stay at his new place, even while he and Abigail are on their honeymoon.

I often think about my friends being married.

Curtis, Allen, Charlie, Dan.  They all got married this year.  Vince and I remain, but he’s content in Bolivia.

I am… I don’t know how I am these days.

What is it that I do?

I’m supposed to be making movies, but am I doing that?

No.  I’m supposed to be worshipping God, but am I doing that?

I’m just sitting on bleachers feeling sorry for myself.  I haven’t sat on bleachers since Marie spoke the worst words over me I’ve ever heard.  I’m glad that relationship is over.  In retrospect it feels so unreal, fake, and empty.

Why does love die?  Does that mean it was never love?

I guess so.

So I’ve never really loved?  Is that it?

Then why does it feel like I have?  Perhaps it is just because God is in me.

I love my friends.  They are scattered all over the world now.

So, Everything after August is coming to be.  Another beautiful autumn.

Noisy bugs surround me now.  I guess I’m doing okay, for not everyone notices the music of crickets.  So, I’ll get up from here and walk on.  I deserve nothing I’m given, and I’ll do my best to breathe freely.

August 24, 2000 – Thursday – 2:00 p.m.

I’m on my lunch break at the moment.  I met with Vince, one of the pastors at Forefront, on Tuesday, and we talked about how we can both help each other in the film and video world.  It was great; I really like him.

At my small group last night, everyone decided to watch Survivor instead of do a Bible study.  It was the finale, so they all said it was a big deal, but it was the first time I had ever heard of it.  It made me realize how much I don’t watch TV or am into whatever is popular at the moment.  The show was pretty interesting, but also totally pathetic.

I will be going to Grundy, Virginia in September for a little ministry work, and it looks like Theresa from the bookstore may show me around New Mexico for Thanksgiving.  Those are my only future plans.  Otherwise, I’m taking it one day at a time.

August 20, 2000 – Sunday – 5:00 p.m.

Yesterday we just went to the beach instead of going up to the Eastern Shore.  And once we got there, I left the group and began walking north.  I eventually arrived to Fort Story and saw the lighthouses, and then, far in the distance, I saw a beautiful girl in a bright yellow bikini run into the waves.  She was instantly more beautiful to me when I realized she was alone.  Far up near the remains of an old fort, I saw her towel and bag where she  had made her sunbathing spot.  There was not a soul around, except for me walking by.

She kept swimming, and I kept walking.

I turned around after a while, and when I walked back by she was lying in her spot up near the fort.

Everything in me wanted to stop and talk, but I walked past and then paused to ponder the notion more intently before I was too far away.  The waves tickled my feet.  A dolphin swam in the distance.  I wanted so badly to talk with the girl who was content to be alone.

I wondered about all the elements of who she might be deep in her soul.  But, I never found out if any of them were true.  Instead, I picked up a seashell to keep as a memento.  It will forever remind me of the blonde sunbather in whom I saw a bit of myself.

Thank you, whoever you are.

August 18, 2000 – Friday – 7:20 a.m.

Jonathan, if he is still alive, turns 24 today.  Which made yesterday my 24th birthday.  I ate lunch at Applebee’s with some of my co-workers.  It was nice of them to buy lunch for me.

Today we are having a pizza party for lunch, and tonight my Forefront small group is going out for seafood in Pungo.

Tomorrow my Regent small group is having a beach party up on the Eastern Shore.

Many great things are happening.  I’m enjoying work a bit more, for my boss is giving me more responsibility.

It will soon be September.  There is something special in the air when September arrives.  The slightest morning chill gives me so much hope that nothing will ever stay the same.  It reminds me to appreciate what I have, for it will soon fade away.

August 12, 2000 – Saturday – 7:00 p.m.

I have five days left to be 23.  Dan and Abigail marry each other in three weeks.  I met with the ministers of Forefront, and they want to work with me concerning Dang! and perhaps other future projects.  After returning from a men’s prayer breakfast with Forefront folks, I finished reading The Hobbit this morning.  I saw Kimberly today at her bookstore.  She recently got a haircut and looked beautiful.

I look at the map on my mall and all the pins placed in it representing all the places I’ve been.  Are all the pins there God?  Did I miss out on anything He wanted to show me?  I feel as though I miss whatever I didn’t experience, or didn’t take the time to notice.

I love you Jesus.  Thank you for this time in my life.  Sometime the thought of Marie not wanting to be my friend comes back to me, and it hurts my heart so.

How joyful it is when I get a phone call from someone who wants to talk to me.  All my friends are married, and now I fear my calls turns into interruptions.

Jesus, your love is all I own.  I see that now.  Friends, family, passions,…they all fade away.

You are my final destination.

You are my process.

You are my end and my beginning.

I found my creator.

August 4, 2000 – Friday – 11:45 a.m.

I’m sitting on a slanted picnic table in a park near the Library and Community Center of Sterling, Virginia.  I left at 7:30 this morning to drive up here, because someone associated with a sister company of Acoustic Works is going to train me on Dreamweaver.

My meeting isn’t until 1:00 p.m., but I left early just to spend some time alone in a new town.  Three kids are playing loudly on the playground near me.  I’m glad they are happy.

I received Dan and Abigail’s wedding invitation in the mail.  It makes me both happy and sad.  Only Vince and I have yet to get married, and he is in Bolivia.

After Dan and Abigail’s wedding, I wonder if I should stop visiting Banner Elk.  I can so easily get stuck in the past.  It may be better for me to not see that land for a while.

. . .

I’ve sat here in silence for a while now.  I fear I have a broken heart.  I feel Jeni, Sarah, Emily, and Marie have each broken it in their own slight way.  But most of all, I feel I have broken it as well.

An older woman just brought two little blonde girls down to the playground, but then she turned around and walked away after she saw three Black kids playing on it.  And now the two white girls are sad and asking a bunch of questions.  They don’t understand why they can’t play.

Such a sight makes me so thankful I grew up with Marcus, Danny, and Peter.  And that I even had a Black youth pastor for a while.

Life seems to get harder as I grow older.  As a child, I would have never noticed the subtle racism I just experienced.

Jesus, you are my savior.  Am I living fully in your salvation?  Am I accepting all your mercy and forgiveness?  All I want is you.

When it comes down to it, I just want that treehouse covered in snow with the Braveheart soundtrack in my ear.  I want you all around me like that.

Can I have that everyday?

I just realized this is my second time in Sterling, VA.  The first time was with Rachel’s mom when she brought me up to Chrysalis in 1997.  In fact, that was exactly three years ago, for I remember it was in early August.

Is there any love left in me?

It feels like I’m losing all my friends.  I can never have Banner Elk and Lees-McRae again, so I should stop looking and waiting for it.

Do you still have a plan for me God?

Thank you for the leaf that just floated down and sat next to me.  I want more quiet moments alone with you.

Please don’t send me a girl if she’ll only distract me from you, or if I’ll distract her from you as well.  Too many hearts have been bruised.  I want to give all of my heart to you.

August 1, 2000 – Tuesday – 9:50 p.m.

The month of change has arrived.  I’ve been in the same apartment for two steady years, but my third roommate just moved in.

Work has become a bit boring to me now.  There hasn’t much for me to do recently, so I’ve spent my days teaching myself Photoshop.  I pray I do not get stuck in a rut.

I went to a “Meet the Staff Dessert” Sunday night to meet all the people that work at Forefront Church.  They are excited to know I’m a film guy.  I want to serve there so badly.  They meet in a movie theater, so it would be awesome to make videos for them that would be shown on the big screen.  I wish I could work there and not at Acoustic Works.

But you are guiding me God.  I’ll follow you.