April is ending. As are many other things. I am no longer a full-time student, and Marie and I have just come through a really difficult time.
I think the past week really traumatized me, so much so that I can hardly remember the harsh words that were spoken to me. I feel my mind is trying to forever forget them, like a scab covering a wound and allowing new skin to grow. I’m tempted to not write about this at all, but I should put something down in these pages.
Clearly hurt and rejected after spending a week with my friends in North Carolina, a vulnerable Marie and I visited her family. And while they are kind in action, I didn’t have a great time these past few days in New Jersey, one, because I was sick, and two, because there just wasn’t an abundance of joy and peace, at least not when you compare it to the amount of joy and peace in all my friends in Banner Elk. So, once we headed back to Virginia, all of that pain and defensiveness bubbled up in Marie, and she became very critical toward me and of all my friends.
She said it was unnatural and immoral of me to have as many female friends as I do. And, as if that didn’t hurt enough, she then accused me of only being involved with the youth group at Parkway because I was sexually attracted to all the girls in the youth group. She said that my friendship with girls like Sterling, Christin, and Kimberly was inappropriate and that I should be ashamed of myself.
Much more was said, many more stabs were taken at my heart, but I pulled off the road, got out of the car and found a distant ball park, where I sat on the bleachers and stared off into the landscapes of Delaware, trying to make sense of what had just happened with this girl I want to marry.
I don’t know if I’ve ever been more hurt. Sterling, Christin, and Kimberly and their families and I all adore each other. We are fellow believers together. They take care of me, I like spending time with them, and yes Christin crushed on me for a while, but nothing ever happened. I took her to her prom and I didn’t even kiss her. The whole reason I didn’t pursue a relationship with her was because she was too young. I sat there alone for a long time, and eventually heard from the Lord that Marie’s accusations were false.
So, I returned to the car. By the look on her face, it was clear she knew she was out of line. She apologized. We drove home.
I prayed silently as we drove, and God gave me a very clear answer that I love my friends, and the fact that many of them are women is not a sin. What Marie said to me reveals much more about her heart and mindset than it did mine, and, after spending a week with her family, it’s clear to see that she was raised in such a negative and narrow mindset. We both got to experience where each of us came from these past two weeks, and the fact that we both came from two different words really broke us. She felt like she didn’t belong with my group of friends and possibly even felt like she doesn’t have as good of friends as I do, and I felt rejected by (and bored with) her family.
So there it is. God is breaking us. Or maybe he’s sharpening us.
Perhaps this will make us a stronger couple than we were before. Perhaps we won’t be able to recover from this. Time will tell.