May 26, 2000 – Friday – 6:36 p.m.

It has been seven months since that perfect night in Currituck with beautiful Marie.

Dan is in front of me playing Tetris 2.  Marie and I talked over the phone last night.  She is having a good time in New Jersey.  She doesn’t seem to be missing me.  That is a good thing I guess.  She is in the world she knows best.  I am in the corporate world I know not of.

. . .

It is a little later on this Friday night now.  I just got off the phone with Marie.  She called while I was writing earlier.  Part of me feels like she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me anymore.  I think she’s going to run away.

I just pray that you guide her God.  If you want her to go, then please let it happen.  We’ve had some good times, but perhaps I am not the best fit for her.  The last thing I want is to be a burden to her.

I’d give the world to be home tonight.  I just don’t know where that is.

Dan is still playing Tetris 2.

I am in a place I’ve never been.

Words.

Oh God, it feels like that is all I have.  Just these words on these pages.

I’d rather have you Jesus.

Feels like much is on my heart.

But I’ve got nothing to say.

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November 5, 1999 – Friday – 11:50 p.m.

Thank you Jesus.

Marie just left.  She came over to watch Smoke Signals with me.  We talked over Celtic Christmas music and candlelight for two hours.  She surpasses them all.  Can she have me God?  Can I give myself to her?

She came over Thursday as well.  She’s so beautiful.  Her face tonight, lit by a single candlelight, shadows dancing across her face.  The simple way she would speak.  The way her eyes would lift and look through me.  The questions she would ask and the stories she would tell.  The way she would talk about God.  I feels I’ve never known anything so right.

At times Regent and Virginia Beach have always felt a bit off for me.  I wasn’t sure if this was home or not.  But ever since Marie, I’ve never felt more at home in my life.

You are wonderful Lord.

 

June 8, 1999 – Tuesday – 9:00 a.m.

Tenielle called me at one o’clock in the morning.  She is 17-years-old now, graduating from high school, and possibly joining the Army in October.  Jenna’s baby is a year and a half now.  She and Herb never got married.  I also found out that Tenielle and my brother Kevin were actually boyfriend and girlfriend at one time and actually kissed.  But Kevin was 21, and Tenielle was only 14.  That’s just sick!

But Tenielle seems to be doing okay now.  She sounded good.  We talked about how Carol is now raising five kids on her own since her husband left and is now addicted to cocaine.  She also said that Scott was just a big fat drunk now.  What happened?  I used to look up to these people.

Sharon also called me to tell me that Laura’s boyfriend David is off in Albania where some sort of war is going on.  With the job he has, that’s just what he does, he goes to the worst part of the world at the moment and lends a hand, trying to bring peace.  Laura says she can’t live like that.  She wants someone who can be there at the end of the day.  They are both just pitiful since they are learning they aren’t compatible.  Missions is on David’s heart and not on Laura’s, so he shouldn’t bring her along.

I took off from work until the middle of the July, simply to finish school for the summer and to do Master’s Commission.  The extra time is really nice.  I’m constantly in rehearsal for scenes in Actor Coaching.  Gin and Christy and I are a team.  They’re both fun.  Christy is getting married and has rekindled my belief that there are still good girls out there worth marrying.

Well, Lord…I give you another delightful day!

June 2, 1999 – Wednesday – 7:50 a.m.

Monday night I wrote a script that just popped into my head.  It came so easy and almost seemed to write itself.  Maybe it should be my big project instead of Eyebrows.  

Tuesday night, or rather early this morning, I talked to Allen and Vince.  They are all back from Guatemala.  They seemed to have a good time.  After speaking with them I couldn’t go to sleep.  I missed them and my home state of North Carolina.  So, I drove down to the Outer Banks and returned just now, enough time to go to work.

Kitty Hawk, Kill Devil Hills, and Nags Head all remind me of the touristy mountain towns of western North Carolina, only it’s the beach instead of the mountain views that attract everyone.  I felt home as I drove through them, though I know I haven’t been there since I was a kid.

I ran around on the moonlit beach all by myself, then drove further down until there was water on both sides of me.  I almost hit a pelican, which was just sitting on the road at two in the morning.  On the way back I had some French toast at a 24-hour grill.  It was a nice five-hour, and much needed, vacation.  It gave me time to pray, to be quiet, and to enjoy my own company.

I love North Carolina so much.

To just be there this enough.

It will always be my home.  It will always be where I am from.

Thank you for this morning God; it brought more rest and peace than a full night of sleep ever could.

January 18, 1999 – Monday – 9:00 a.m.

What an awesome weekend in the Lord!  I attended a youth convention all day Friday and Saturday.  Jesus is my center.  He is my hope.  He allows me to utter “I am safe.  I am secure.  I will forever be okay.”  Jewel has a song out now that opens with the line, “If I could tell the whole world just one thing, it would be that we’re all okay.”  It’s a beautiful song, but I fear it isn’t true.  How can anyone be okay without Jesus?

My brother turned 24 yesterday.  Crazy!  I called him last night.  He is trying to get involved in a new church in Richmond.  He didn’t go back to school.  He isn’t allowed anymore financial aid.  So much time and money and he never got his degree.  Sad.

I went over to Sterling’s yesterday and we just hung out.  We worked on a puzzle and I played basketball with Cohen.  This whole place, Sterling’s house, Christin’s smile, it all feels like home.  I belong here.  God is moving here.  There is no greater peace than to know you are where you belong.

 

November 9, 1998 – Monday – 5:30 p.m.

I don’t have much time to write, but I feel like talking to myself, and to God.

I love the weather this time of year.  I love the chill the tide brings in.  I’m enjoying this place.  It has become a home.  One like my old one on Foust Road.  One like my old one in McAlister Hall and even Tennessee Dorm.  One like my bed in Johannesburg, South Africa.

But God’s presence is where I will always be more comfortable.

I’m going over to Kimberly’s house tomorrow to study sign language for our show, and to also have dinner.  I pray it’s not too awkward.

I constantly miss Sharon’s home.

The Rebecca St. James concert is less than two weeks away.  Thanksgiving break with Allen, Vince, and Tracey is right after that.

And then the last month of this fantastic year!

October 21, 1998 – Wednesday – 9:00 a.m.

Much has happened since my last entry.  Tammie and Jose’s party was the most amazing event.  Justin came, all the girls had a burping contest, and I fell more in love with this whole world.  God has given me a heart of compassion for these people.  Each day, I find myself longing more and more for them.

Sunday’s church service was fantastic as well.  There was another party for Tammie and Jose that night.  My small group meeting is on Mondays at Connie and Christian’s, and on Tuesday nights I now have a men’s meeting at church.  I went last night and it was awesome.  No matter where I go, I find myself surrounded by good people.

I finished my “Eyebrows” script yesterday, but there are a few changes I need to make before I submit my first draft.

I’ve been emailing Angela and Dawn from my Africa trip.  Julie also sent me a letter.  I also found a new email buddy in a Canadian who went to Eastern Europe with Teen Mania.  Her name is Anna.  MovieMark and I have begun emailing each other again.

Time is moving forward.  The air is getting cooler, but the leaves are not changing.  I bought a plane ticket Monday to go down to Pensacola for Christmas.  I’ve never spent a Christmas in Florida before, and I’ve surely never spent one so close to Emily.  I will stay there until the Brownsville Revival starts back up at the beginning of 1999, then I will fly back.  I depart here on Christmas Eve.

November brings Tracey and Vince.  I used to think about going to visit my old home in the mountains, but to miss one tiny thing that happens here frightens me.

Thank you God for my homes!

October 14, 1998 – Wednesday – 12:45 a.m.

Life is getting a tad bit interesting and complicated.

“Eyebrows” is coming along nicely.  I have half the script completed.  The youth group at Parkway is in major transition, but God will take care of us.  Emily had a 19-year-old friend die of cancer and she has returned home for the funeral.  Justin from LMC is coming into town tomorrow night.  Thursday is my last day of filming for “Saturday Despair.”  And Dawn is no longer at work.

I’ve been here long enough to see change.  Perhaps it means this place is my home now.  And this is my third one here on this planet.

Siler City.

Banner Elk.

Virginia Beach.

These are the places I am from.

I sent to see the ocean this morning and heard a sound in the water that I’ve never heard before.  It was the billions of bubbles of the surf all popping at once.

It sound like an applause from far away.

May 19, 1998 – Tuesday – 11:44 p.m.

I left at a little after 7:00 p.m. tonight to go to a Bible study.  It was amazing.  They prayed for me.  God said the money for my trip will come in and I will be surprised.  They anointed my feet for travel.  And through someone there, God told me to keep my head up because he was going to use my handsome features.  I asked God to speak to me tonight and he sure did.  He said I would live a long life serving him.

What a joy!  Thank you Jesus.

After the Bible study, I went to visit Christi.  She was the only one home, but all her brothers are supposed to come home this weekend.  Christi looked so beautiful.  She was so thin and tanned.  I told her about South Africa and she got so excited for me.

And then she told me she was getting married in November.  Can you believe that?  This past Sunday was the year anniversary of her accident. However, she is not marrying the guy who was her boyfriend at the time who was in the car with her.

I listened to Christi talk the whole night.  She seems to be doing really well with Jesus.  She said Cheryl is dating a great Christian guy and Jason is getting married in July.  However, she had no news of Ryan or Amy.

Andy has a graduation party Sunday, and I hope I can bring Sarah to it.

Life is amazing.  God is good to all my friends.  He is doing everything.  I just get to show up and enjoy it.

Inseparable friends.

Christi said she was talking with her dad about me today.  We also talked about the old skit group.  I’ve grown so much since those days.

I am home.  Lees-McRae was a beautiful season; a season I am deeply in love with.  Thanks to that time, I now have a collection that spans the continent.

Bless Sarah tonight Lord.  May she sleep in your perfect peace.

May 11, 1998 – Monday – 6:30 p.m.

I am here at my home in Siler City.  Graduation was nothing short of amazing.  Sarah was so beautiful.  We cried at our goodbyes.  It is very hard for me to believe that those four years of college are over.

Marcus and I rode home together.  We stopped to go to a new church he is attending in Greensboro and then we ate at IHOP.

The house is a bit empty, for mom and Henry recently had a yard sale.

My Teen-Mania missions trip acceptance package was here when I arrived.  I’m a little behind schedule, but I’m still definitely going to go.  I’m trusting God wants me in South Africa, so he will send me there.

In 15 days I will go to Virginia Beach and no telling what will happen there.

I miss Sarah.

I miss the guys.

There’s no way I can describe how amazing my final two days were on campus.  Sarah and I held tightly to each other each night, for we have no idea what the future holds for us.

I love her.