April 18, 1999 – Sunday – 7:09 a.m.

Two weeks and four days remain until I head back to Lees-McRae.  I look forward to walking alone on my own private mountain trails.  I need to think again with a clear mind.  The mountain air always does me good.

I called Allen yesterday morning.  Our conversation turned a bit serious when he told me that things went poorly with three of my dear friends as he attempted to do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing.  He said he feels terrible.  He crossed the line with each of them and they mean so much to me.  It hurt to hear it, but I can do nothing but love them and forgive them.  The conversation did make me very thankful to be there.  I’m surrounded by so much innocence and purity.  I would rather deal with loneliness than continually deal with the temptation I had to deal with during my days with Sarah.  God continues to heal me of all those past hurts and pains.  I want to me the real true me.

There really aren’t any girls here that seem to have my name on them.  My thoughts often dwell on Mary Jo, Kimberly, and even Kerstin, but I honestly don’t think they are for me.  I want to hold out for true love, and not just settle for a pretty girl I think I can live with.  Mary Jo has impressed me the most with her heart, but I’m afraid our future paths in life are completely different.

For my most immediate future, I want to live my life in airports.  I seem to find peace in them.  Perhaps because I already live each day watching others as I wait to fly away.

There was a funny moment that happened at IHOP the other night when I was there with the youth group.  I ordered pancakes and thought the thing in front of me on the table was syrup, but no…it was coffee.  And it came out fast.  I poured coffee all over my pancakes, myself, the table, those sitting next to me.  Marion laughed for the next ten minutes.  It was actually fantastic to be so the source of so much joy and laughter.

There are days when I like to be alone

To be still and silent

To listen

My stomach growls, my VCR rewinds

My memory does them both

A plane flies overhead

And I hear this pen move across this paper

 

Then there are days when I must listen to music

To hear the words of others as they dream

And to dream with them

I agree with Cindy Morgan, relate with Derek Webb

And adore Rebecca

But still there are times when my breath

Is the only music I need

 

And in this silent, I’ve come to ponder love

Is it terrible to love the wrong woman?

Is that such a waste of time?

If so, I wasted seven months

And can’t afford to spend this heart on the wrong one once again

The effort would be a tragedy

A ticking clock, never knowing the time

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April 15, 1999 – Thursday – 9:30 p.m.

Life is beautiful.

There are beautiful eternal instants happening all around me.  Moments of bike-riding with Kimberly and studying the photo albums of her youth with her under the amber light shade of her living room.

Mary Jo just left here.  We spent nearly an hour together just listening to good music, especially Caedmon’s Call’s Table for Two.  We have declared it our song.  Our conversation turned into a pillow fight.  She is so lovely to be around.

Kerstin came to visit me in the bookstore.  We seem to talk so much about relationships, despite the fact that neither of us are in one.  Oh how beautiful conversation is.

David and his brother and I are going to see The Matrix tonight.  They haven’t seen it yet. I called Vince last night, he said he saw it and he loves it.  He said he plans to spend the summer in Banner Elk, as does everyone else.

Everything looks better.  Everyone is beautiful.  Jesus has become my eyes.  To know him; that is the only reason why we are here.

Angela (from my South Africa trip) and I email each other regularly.  She is such a blessing.  She lives in Seattle.

I’m sure the air feels nice outside McAlister Hall right now, but I’d rather feel the air here.  How wild this thing is.  I don’t miss driving the hour back and forth between Siler City and Winston-Salem; I’m just glad to know I was once there.

I’m happy to know that I was a good undergraduate student and that I did it well.  Oh this life is not my own.  I’m so thankful for that; it’s easier to exist that way.  No burdens.  No fears.  I only task is to let go and love every minute freely and fully.  I job is to rest in his peace and salvation.

My beautiful Jesus.  You are perfection.  Thank you for the life you’ve breathed into me.  I love you.  I do, I do.

April 11, 1999 – Sunday – 10:03 a.m.

I saw three bald eagles yesterday at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg.  I went with Sterling’s family, Christin, and Jeremy.  We had a great time despite the fact that Jeremy talked about himself the whole time.  He seems so desperate for attention; help me give him what he needs Lord.

Friday morning was the Lunchbox theater performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream where I had a small role.  It went really well.

We had drama practice yesterday and God really moved on me during the youth service.

Something is happening though.  Something I cannot explain or put a finger on.  I pray I do not take this life for granted.  None of this seems to be lasting, yet it is all so distracting.  Please don’t tell me what is happening God.  I’m afraid I might run away!

 

April 7, 1999 – Wednesday – 7:50 a.m.

The past two days have been really rough.  Last night though, we had a leaders meeting at Robin’s house.  We were singing out on her porch, David’s brother was playing guitar, and the next door neighbor’s game out to listen.  I ran over and invited them to join us.  They did, and to make a long story very short, they both accepted Jesus as their savior last night; so awesome!

I went running this morning in the Lake James neighborhood.  I felt the desire to go there and pray for the youth in that area.

It is a beautiful morning.  A perfect day is ahead.  Jesus is the key to happiness.

April 4, 1999 – Sunday – 11:14 p.m.

It’s been a wonderful Easter Sunday!  I went to Sterling’s after church, then over to Christian’s and Connie’s, where we played frisbee.  We celebrated Easter as well as a group member’s birthday.

A southern gospel group called the Tully Trio put on a concert at church tonight.  It was surprisingly good.  Afterwards, myself and eight of the teens from youth went out to eat at Applebee’s.

Kimberly’s cousin was with us, and he kept laughing so hard at all my jokes that he began choking and snot bolted out of his nose.  It was a fun evening.  I do not believe I have yet grasped the realization of the true treasure that is in each of the teens here.  Please God, teach me that before it’s too late.

April 1, 1999 – Thursday – 12:08 p.m.

The first day of April ’99 has brought forth great peace.  I finished editing my first five minute film this morning at 2:00 a.m.  Life since my last entry has been nice.  Justin from youth group came to stay with me on Sunday afternoon.  That was a fun time.  On Monday, I rented some French films.  They were all amazing, especially Blue of Three Colors; I need to see the other two now!

On Tuesday night we had a foot washing service with our teen leaders from youth church.  God is doing good things at Parkway Temple.

I’ve been told over and over here that I bless people by simply being me.  That has to be on of the greatest compliments anyone can ever receive.

Thank you God!

March 27, 1999 – Saturday – 6:26 p.m.

Matt has gone home for a week, so I took advantage of him not being here to tidy everything up a bit.

As always, it has put me in a retrospective mood.

My collection is so large.

I received a letter from Emily a couple of days ago.  She was assuming I was angry with her.  She asked me to write her back and I did.  I wrote her back on the back of the letter she sent me and said that who she was in my mind and heart was more amazing than who she was in reality.  I told her my heart no longer wants to pursue her and that we should not pretend to be something that we are not.  I let her know I will always be her pen pal if ever she needs me.  Along with the letter, I returned a small heart she once mailed me long ago.

And that is perhaps the end of six-year-long story that has held a corner of my heart.

And probably always will.

Yesterday, Kirstin helped me video my project for editing class.  It was so much fun.  I cannot believe I get to do this work.

Today there was a birthday party for Jason and the youth group is hanging out again tonight at the YMCA.  I hate to leave my retrospective words right now, but I’m late!