February 14, 1998 – Saturday – 12:08 p.m.

All of my boys were just in here: Vince, Curtis, Dan, Allen, Josh, Justin, and Alex.  We had a hugging party for Valentine’s Day.  And then they all left to go to lunch, but I stayed behind since I’m taking Sarah out to eat for the special day.

February is half over.  The days are vanishing, but I know I am alive in each one.  God is with me in each step I take, I have wonderful guy friends, wonderful gal friends, and one very special girlfriend.

How could I ask for more?

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February 13, 1998 – Friday – 6:00 p.m.

I got a call from Elinor at Regent University yesterday.  I’ve been accepted!  Thank you God!

I bought Sarah a funny Valentine’s Day card, plus three roses, and I put them in her room tonight while she was at a Highlanders’ Performance.  I hope she likes it.

The past couple of days have been relaxing and peaceful.  Rehearsals have been easy and last night we had our costume parade.  I had to stand in front of the whole cast and crew, under the bright stage lights, with nothing but a sheet around my waist.

After the rehearsal I went to Sarah’s room, and she just looked at me from across the room.

“What?” I asked.

“Well…you have a nice body, skinny boy.”  And she looked at me in such a way, and gave me a grin in such a way, that said, “Why didn’t you tell me you were so sexy underneath your clothes.”

I was obviously surprised.  I just view myself as a tall, skinny, lanky, awkward dude.

“Really?” I offered back.  “No one’s ever told me that before.”

And then I kissed her.

Our relationship has grown so much.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God.  Thank you Holy Spirit.

Elizabeth has become a really awesome friend.  We’ve begun to share our hearts with one another.  Thank you for her too Lord.

Life and love are all about giving.  It’s as simple as that.  Give all that you have.  Hold nothing for yourself.

When you live for yourself, you become lonely and cold.  Give your life away to everyone around you, and you will find yourself never lacking in joy and peace.

I guess this means I’ll have to give Lees-McRae away as well.

And in order to keep Sarah, I’ll have to give her away too.

 

February 9, 1998 – Monday – 3:30 p.m.

So, for the show, my director wanted me to look a bit like the character in the movie version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, which means he wanted me to dye my hair red and get a perm.  I did, it was done last night and everyone likes it, or they are all lying to me, but at least to my face they say it looks pretty hip.  Sarah hasn’t seen it yet.

I talked to a Teen Mania representative and they want me to be in Bradenton, FL on April 3-5.  I have to fly down there.  I’ll go, wait on the Lord, and see what happens.

The show opens in a bit over a week.  On the following weekend, I’m going to South Carolina for an Acquire the Fire youth convention.  My One-Act will open the following weekend, and then it’s Spring Break starting on the following Friday.  We haven’t made any Spring Break plans yet, so I don’t know what that week holds for me.

A couple of weeks later I’ll be in Florida and then it’ll be close to a month before graduation.

Dan and Abigail are becoming an item now.  It’s kind of cute, but kind of weird.  But it also makes me happy nonetheless.

And Sarah and I are good.  I love her so much.

Thanks God for all you have given me.  Thanks for the weeks and months ahead.  You are everything in my life.  I adore you.

February 7, 1998 – Saturday – 6:10 p.m.

Oh man! The beginning hours of February 7, 1998 were so amazing.

Sarah and I began a phone conversation at one in the morning and we didn’t hang up until four o’clock.  We had the best time!  I told her things about me that not many people know.  I told her about two Florida girls, Syndi and my pen pal Emily.

I just read my May 8, 1995 entry, the one about Syndi and I under the waterfall, and because I was so young and so scared, I didn’t even reveal the full events of that evening to the pages of my journal.  That entry is missing a great deal.  Maybe it’s just retrospect, the me of now looking back on the me of then, that was needed for the truth of that night to be revealed to me.

Either way, early this morning, I told Sarah, my girlfriend, the story of Syndi and the story of why I broke up with Jeni.  The truth is I had begun to hate how physical my relationship with Jeni had become.  We never had sex, but I just felt like a dirty slimy dog of a pervert because I began to care more about where I could touch her with my hands than I did the quality of our conversations.

I then told Sarah how I had only known Syndi for two weeks prior to our May 7th, 1995 escapade and how wild it was for me to be around her because, well…because Syndi had (and I’m sure she still has) beautiful, large, firm, gravity-defying breasts that simply demanded male eye-contact.  It was wild to be with her because I was used to Jeni, who was relatively flat-chested.  So, for me to be lying under a blanket of stars, beneath a beautiful waterfall, next to the most well-endowed girl I had even known, who kept saying she was cold, well…I began to pray.  If I felt like a slimy dog with flat-chested Jeni, how would I be if I was holding the insanely curvy Syndi?  I feared I wouldn’t be able to control my hands or my whole self.

And, of course, I went on to tell Sarah about how after I offered to hold Syndi to keep her warm, she began talking about sex.  Now I left this part out of my 1995 entry, but Syndi talked for a while about sex with her ex-boyfriend, and then she eventually said with a whisper, “Jacob, are you going to wait until you are married to have sex?”

With her breasts against my chest, I said, half giving up and half begging for mercy, “Well, that’s the way I had planned it.”

And I don’t know how much time had passed.  It could have been a second.  It could have been a minute.  But eventually Syndi said, “Well, I guess we better go then.”

I have since concluded that God used that night, that beautiful girl, and that cleansing waterfall to purify me, and show me that I was not a slimy dirty dog, but a man who loved and respected women.

Sarah and I had a good laugh, mainly because I’m somewhat of a Christian leader on campus and not viewed as one who would talk so openly about my love of breasts to my own girlfriend.  When trying to explain the shape of Syndi’s body to Sarah, I said, “Well, let’s just say, she’s is closer to your neck of the woods.”  Sarah laughed forever.

It was then I told my girlfriend that I greatly enjoy her.  I love to look at her.  I love to hold her.  I think she has a beautiful body, an amazing face, and I find her very sexy and pleasing to look at.  Our physical relationship is not a very big one, but I enjoy it greatly.

She thanked me for telling her that.

We continued talking and she told me some of her stories.  I also gave her a brief summary of Emily and I and even read some of Emily’s old letters to her.

She then told me that for the first time in a relationship, she was not jealous of the other girls in her man’s life.  Then she started crying.  And she said it felt so good not to have that burden.

I told her she has no reason to be jealous of the girls of yesterday, for they have helped make me who I am today, the me that loves her.  I owe them so much for that.

Sarah is in the picture below; it was taken during a performance of the Christmas Concert.

Can you find her?  She is the beautiful one.

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February 4, 1998 – Wednesday – 2:09 p.m.

Wow!  I just got off the phone with Elinor from Regent University.  We had an awesome time!  She even prayed for me.  I’m going there!  I’m sure of it! I’ve been sure of it for a long time.  We talked so much about film and ministry and everything.

In Radio/TV/Film class the other day I had a mock film audition and Doc said I was a natural.  Other people evidently saw the audition somehow and have been complimenting me on it.  Emily even stopped me just to say I did an amazing job.  Others have started calling me “Film Boy.”

I want to make movies so badly.  I want to learn this craft, to tell stories, to be used by God.  I just want to sit at his table and consume every good thing he has for me.

I’m reaching the point where I don’t want to be with Sarah anymore.  I’m going to give it some more time, but I don’t have much time left.  I need to spend that time being me with my true friends, and not just sitting around waiting for my girlfriend, who never seems to come by or call me.

January 31, 1998 – Saturday – 10:00 a.m.

Classes have been cancelled since Tuesday afternoon thanks to all the snow, but Cuckoo’s Nest rehearsals are going strong.  Emily and I kiss in the show.  We’ve had fun with our roles; it’s cool.

Sarah and I had a pretty intense talk yesterday.  I can’t even remember what we said, but she is still with me.  Oh God, just teach us what we both need to know.  It basically boils down to Sarah wanting to keep her relationship with Jesus to herself, but I desperately want to share and grow in our faith together.

We’ll see… It is the last day of January and Sarah’s birthday is in two days.

Life goes on.

January 22, 1998 – Thursday – 11:15 a.m.

My auditions were last night.  I had an amazing time.  So many talented girls came to audition, it was difficult to decide.

Also, Geana came and talked with me yesterday.  She is full of so many sad stories; she was raped when she was 17.  I talked and prayed with her.  She cried.  She is so focused on outer beauty and her body.  She condemns and insults herself all the time, and she uses sex to try and feel love.  My heart hurts for her.  Oh God, please visit with her and help her.

Lindy, Ann-Marie, and Abigail came to hang out with me yesterday evening and they stayed until one in the morning.  We had what we called a “tear party” for we all seemed pretty emotional, and God showed up in the sharing of our hearts.  Lindy shared about how she gave up her virginity in high school.  She said that guy now had something of hers that she could never get back.  She looked so sad, like she would do anything to remake that decision she made so long ago.  And because of that, she said she’s put up her guard and has been very careful about letting others love her.  She has done the same to God and I told her last night that she needs to let him love her to his fullest ability.  She cried.  I held her.  I cried.

I also spoke to them about how Geana said that all she wanted was to be sure that somebody loved her.  I shared that such a perspective confused me, for I now realize that God loves me way more that I will ever deserve, so I really have no right to ask for any more love from anyone.

Now for me to keep all of that love and not let it flow through me and give it away to others, that is the true tragedy.

I talked to Sarah from the time they left until 2:30 in the morning.  We had an amazing talk, she too shared so much with me.

I now think that there is nothing more difficult in life than being a girl.  And the thing that makes it most difficult for them are men, or boys, I guess I should say.

Sarah told me that she doesn’t think she’ll ever find anyone like me ever again.

Am I really that different?  Am I really that rare?  Are other guys my age spending most of their day talking with young women about the core of who they are?

I love you Lord!  Why are you so good to me?