January 1, 2001 – Monday – 8:15 p.m.

Two nights ago, on December 30th, I asked Anna to marry me.

She said ‘yes.’

I hid the ring in an empty container of her favorite Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream. I had filled it with small weights and stored it in the fridge to make it look and feel like a cold container full of ice-cream. She opened it and stopped breathing. She wasn’t expecting it so soon. I cried. What a wonderful little story.

I am changing.

Every day I am losing a little bit more of me.

We are planning a July 7th wedding. Over the next six months I will slowly move my stuff into her studio apartment in the historic Ghent neighborhood in Norfolk. I’m sure I’ll give or throw away many items I’ll no longer need.

I can’t believe what is happening. I’m marrying an amazing woman, a good, Godly woman. So many of my single-person perspectives just have no meaning any more.

So it is 2001.

When the ball dropped in New York, I was kissing Anna in Virginia Beach.

December 21, 2000 – Thursday – 10:19 a.m.

And so it is tomorrow again.

Anna and I stayed up until four in the morning, just talking. We are so great together, and she will meet my mom on Saturday morning. Mom is driving up to grandma’s as I write.

Anna has one year of school remaining before she’s done with her Master’s. God, please let us know what you have planned for us for afterwards.

This is the life I live now. All time seems to run together. I have no regular schedule; I just try to be as close to Anna as possible. It is the cold weather that brings our hearts together, or just our Lord and Savior?

Each week, in between seeing Anna, I seem to pull together all the video work I need to do for church. After she meets my mom this weekend, I’ll meet her mom the following weekend. We are planning our lives together.

Thank you Lord.

November 27, 2000 – Monday – 5:00 p.m.

I’m in the Dallas airport and much has happened since I’ve last written. So much so that it would make a pretty good movie, a character study about lonely people trying to communicate with God.

I have spent the past six days with Theresa, the 25-year old former co-worker of mine from the bookstore my roommate Dan thought he was supposed to marry. He believed this not only because he loves her and wants to be with her, but mainly because he feels God told him she was to be his wife.

I came to New Mexico because she invited me, and I wanted to visit a new state. However, Dan is back home wondering what the heck I’m finding out for him, for I suggested that if he gave me a letter to give to her, perhaps she would send one back with me for him.

I was wrong.

She did not.

I arrived late Tuesday night and slept on an air mattress in a one bedroom apartment in Albuquerque. I woke up the next morning to discover this is a very brown city. I forgot how green the east coast was, even in November.

We then picked up Michael, a 40-year-old massage therapy student, who I could immediately tell has the hots for Theresa. I should add here that I have never been attracted to Theresa or have ever been even remotely interested in her. She’s always been Dan’s girl in my mind.

We headed south and drove through very wide and flat land. We stopped in Truth or Consequences just to see it, for I have some significant scenes taking place there in my screenplay To Fly. While I was looking around and taking pictures, Michael spoke endlessly to me about the power of touch.

We stopped at a small hut in the middle of an open desert plain to visit a friend and client of Michael’s. There was no water or electricity at this place, but it was one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. The couple living there chose to live that way, off the grid, as they say. They wanted to be separate from society. I took pictures, especially of their distant out house that had no walls. Every time they relieved themselves they saw a sight few will ever see.

We continued around a chain of green mountains and ended up in Grant County and finally Silver City, where Theresa’s parents live. We ordered takeout and then awoke the next day to serve the hungry and homeless a warm Thanksgiving meal at a local soup kitchen. It was a beautiful time.

That afternoon Theresa and I visited the City of Rocks and we talked about how Dan never really knew the real her. Dan simply put the ideal woman he wanted to marry onto Theresa simply because she took the time to show him a bit of attention while they worked together.

That evening, after a very healthy and natural dinner, I went to see M. Night Shyamalan’s Unbreakable with Theresa’s dad. I love going to a movie theater on Thanksgiving Day!

The next day, Michael, Theresa, her dad, and I hiked around Catwalk State Park about an hour north from where they live. It was a beautiful canyon with waterfalls, brown rocks, and green cacti. Again, I took pictures.

On Saturday we drove back to Albuquerque and then hiked with Theresa’s other friend Justin. We went up to Sandia Crest, and that was without a doubt my favorite part of my days in New Mexico. We were 10,678 feet above sea level, easily the highest I’ve ever been. Everything was covered in snow. The sunset was a bright red blaze over the entirety of the west, and Theresa was glued to Justin’s side. He is only 19, but he is filled with confidence, and this is something Dan does not have.

Confidence and beauty are the two main things Theresa is attracted to. Sadly, Dan, in her eyes at least, has neither.

That night I held a crying Theresa on her couch. She cried because she is no longer sure of her relationship with God.

The next day we drove north to Colorado and drove back along beautiful, snow-covered, secondary roads. I enjoyed every minute of seeing a new part of God’s creation.

After we returned we went to see Bounce, and this morning I went to her Massage Therapy class with her. What I experienced there broke my heart. So many people were looking for answers, looking for meaning, but they were looking for it in their own physical bodies. They were not looking for God at all. Imagine the good work one could do if they invited God into massage therapy. Surely someone is doing that.

So now I’m at the airport in my middle of my return journey. Of course, nothing I mentioned above is what truly happened, what truly happened can be found in the expressions I saw in each person’s face as they sought out human connection, meaning, and love. Those eyes, eyebrows, and glances are difficult to capture in these pages, but that is where the true stories reside.

November 6, 2000 – Monday – 3:30 p.m.

I’m in Suffolk, VA shooting on location with a small part because someone saw me in an improv skit at Forefront. I have a few minutes of down time.

This past Saturday was a wonderful day. There was a Virginia Tech game on and I went over to Scott and Paige’s house to watch it with our small group. I’m not really into football, but I enjoyed the snacks and company. They had shrimp, oysters, and some amazing dipping sauces. Their kids were great fun; I played with little Grant. One time, while holding him in my arms, I walked further into the backyard and turned around to watch the perfect scenes of an autumn cookout with playing children, loving friends, and cheering fans. Things I’m glad I’m allowed to observe even if I cannot have them for myself at the moment. God has always provided other homes, families, and backyards for me to take great delight in.

The rest of the month seems pretty loaded. I have this shoot this week, then we are making a Matrix parody for church. I’ll have another week of movie parodies for church, then I’m off to New Mexico.

I’m looking forward to this trip. I need to see new sky, a new land, and new eyes. I can’t wait!

October 29, 2000 – Sunday – 4:38 p.m.

Well, it’s been an interesting, wonderful, and tiring few days.

Wednesday through Saturday I worked on Kerstin’s portfolio project “Exchange.” Being on that set for the past two days were particularly wonderful because Anna and I talked with each other like little kids. Anna is a theater student from Florida who arrived last semester. She’s the first person I’ve met here who has the personality of the girls I enjoy the most, those who just relax and delight in being with you as though they were a child. She reminds me of my dear friends from Lees-McRae. She’s a cool little hippie chick! I invited her to Forefront this morning, and she showed up! What a wonderful girl!

After the baptism service at church tonight, I’m going to go to a Wig Party at Haley’s. I’m wearing an old man wig. So there is this evening, and then only two full days remain in October.

Only two more months of the year 2000.

I wonder what November will hold.

December.

2001.

October 15, 2000 – Sunday – 8:26 p.m.

It has been a week since I have written. We are now in the middle of the tenth month, what an amazing time! It feels like much has happened.

I just returned from visiting Jean, one of the employees from Acoustic Works. I feel so safe talking with her about love and relationships because she is married. We had dinner and played with Katie, the adorable little girl she was babysitting. Katie seemed to enjoy the way I would make my hair tickle her forehead; she has such a beautiful smile.

This past weekend were our shooting days for The Accuser. I directed a fantastic cast and crew on Ft. Wool, which is an island in the middle of Hampton Roads. Jeremy played his role so well that he banged his head open and cut up his leg. He’s okay though. I can’t wait to see the dailies!

I feel so at home when I’m directing a film. It puts me and all my thoughts, hopes, memories, and feelings together in such a way that everything of who I am, and who God has made me to be, completely makes sense.

This past week I also wrote a letter to Sarah. It is difficult to describe what came over me, but I told her that I loved her fully and unconditionally for who she is, and that she is one of the few people in the world whom I love in such a way. I can explain my love for others away, but I cannot explain my love for Sarah away. It simply exists, it is there, I cannot deny it, and it blesses my soul so much.

Also this past week I picked up a rat for The Accuser shoot. It takes place in a dungeon, so I thought a rat would add some atmosphere. The crew named her Rosie, and I decided to keep her. She is in her cage in my room now.

This coming Thursday kicks off the college-age small group that I will be leading. I’m so excited. I want God to show up. I want him to change us and this whole area.

Thanks for a great week God, you are so good!

October 8, 2000 – Sunday – 1:00 p.m.

It is one o’clock on a Sunday afternoon.

I am alone.

Love Song for a Savior fills my ears. There is a chill in the air. I just ate a peanut butter and a banana sandwich, and I can tell I’m in one of those moods.

The Caedmon’s Call concert Friday night was wonderful. I was able to go backstage, and I learned that my favorite male artist, Derek Webb, is marrying one of my favorite female artists, Sandra McCracken! That blew me away and really made my whole year!

There is a girl that I’ve taken to noticing. I really don’t know anything about her except that she is 20, and I like the simple way she puts up her blonde hair, as well as the little glasses she wears. She has a beautiful high-pitched voice, and it blesses me when she says my name.

Why is it that I often feel like I go through life all alone? The first week of October has flown by, and I’ve reached one of those days where I feel so lost and out of place. Why do these days come?

Will I ever share this life with someone and spend our days living in harmony with God and each other?

My friends back in North Carolina never call. Why am I always the one to keep in touch? It would be nice for them to call me every once in a while.

There is really only one thing I desire right now, and that is that it’ll eventually hurt when I leave this little corner of the world. Is there anything more tragic than spending years in a place and then never missing it? Oh God, let me do some good while I’m here.

I give you the rest of this Sunday. Use me.

October 5, 2000 – Thursday – 10:08 p.m.

I’m going to see Caedmon’s Call in concert tomorrow night! That’s awesome!

Well, the days have been interesting. I have the best job in the world. Vince and I made a super funny video on Tuesday. I can’t wait for it to be shown on the big screen on Sunday.

The college-age small group I’ll be leading kicks off on October 19th. I’m so excited; that’s two weeks from tonight.

The Accuser finally shoots next weekend. This morning myself plus some other student directors were interviewed by Portfolio magazine about filmmaking. So this is where I am now. Everyday I’m writing, directing, and editing videos that find an audience every Sunday. I’m in a delightful small group, and soon I’ll be leading one. Plus, I’m directing and finishing up some short 16mm films.

I’m doing all that I’ve ever wanted to do.

September 30, 2000 – Saturday – 11:03 a.m.

We are leaving the Breaks Interstate Park that sits on the border of Virginia and Kentucky. I’m in the van with Mark, Susan from Ireland, and Lisa. Mark agreed to let me play the Legend of the Fall soundtrack since it fits in perfectly with the fall colors that have begun creeping in on the mountain sides.

The past three days have been wonderful. Some many from the church came: Ron, John, Roger, Amy, Ginger, Holly, Kevin (my small group leader), and Kristen, who was in Dang!. Kevin asked Kristen to marry him at Breaks Interstate Park two nights ago.

At the Mountain Mission School, we painted, did yard work, some landscaping, etc. It was fun and rewarding work, and the kids were so thankful we were there. The best part though was simply getting to know everyone on our team.

I performed my velociraptor impression for the kids countless times, and the little 7-year-old girl named Vanessa became my little buddy. She cried when it was time for us to leave.

The past few days were full of endless laughter, and now I have this perfect drive through the mountains with one of the greatest soundtracks ever recorded.

I just realized it was the last day of the month. Wow, I loved this month of this year. I didn’t write much, for I was living life to the fullest. What a wonderful month of friends and filmmaking! Dan and Abigail were married, but that first weekend of the month was about so much more for me. I awoke on the first day of the month in Sharon’s house and got to have breakfast with a family that truly knows how to love each other. I also was able to spend a little time with Mason and Maresa. Then, Sarah and I shared a nice walk. I hugged a pregnant Jeni goodbye very close to the place we first kissed nearly six years ago.

After that beautiful Labor Day weekend, I quit my first ever salary job and started making videos every day for Forefront. That church is a gift from God. It helped bring me to this corner of Virginia, where I was able to bless many girls from Ethiopia.

It’s great to feel tired for the sake of others. I’m worn out, but I gave all that was in me. There is no greater joy.

Okay, I’m going to stop writing now. The world outside is too beautiful, the music is too good, the company is too sweet.

I let go of September of the year 2000. You were a perfect month. Welcome October.

September 26, 2000 – Tuesday – 9:52 p.m.

Each day is somehow filled with making movies. I love what I do for Forefront, it’s hard to even call it work. It’s absolutely wonderful.

I leave for Grundy, VA tomorrow. It is very close to Kentucky, a state that I haven’t visited since September of ’97 I believe. Hopefully we’ll cross the state line.

Life is rather simple in these flat, coastal lands. I just kind of go with the flow of everything, knowing I own nothing, and nothing lasts forever save the love of God.

The air was much cooler today. It was lovely. And I’ve discovered a new artist, singer/songwriter Dar Williams. I bought her latest album today.

As September ends I’ll be in a part of the Appalachian Mountains I’ve never been in before. It’s difficult to describe the freedom I’ve been experiencing these days. There simply a beauty in the everydayness.

Jesus is revealing new truths to me about humanity, and what is truly important.

I thank him for that.