June 12, 1999 – Saturday – 4:51 p.m.

I feel like crying…crying because I don’t have best friend here.  At the moment, I feel so very much alone, very misunderstood, and I never feel like I can fully relax into the friendships I have here.

I talked to Justin, Abigail, Tracey, and Sarah the other night.  They sounded so good.  Sarah and I are all healed and that completely amazes me.  But these dear people are all far away.  Justin is in town, but at camp.  I leave in a week, so I won’t get to see him.

I’ll soon be around a new group of people.  Before I even depart, I guy I don’t know from Richmond is staying with me for a week while he helps out on a film shoot.

Oh Jesus…what is going on?

How am I doing?

I feel life has become so different and I don’t want it to be.  Is it my perspective or are things really changing?  Am I still young?  What do you want me to do?  Where have all my simple joys gone?  I am missing them so.  Why all this stress?  Life didn’t use to be this way.

Mom called me the other night.  She and Henry are having problems in their marriage.  They say they’re spiritual attacks because of their involvement with the Brownsville Revival and they are going to counseling.  I hope they’re still good.

There is a family reunion happening at Deep Creek, but I can’t go due to the film shoot.

Change.  I both love and hate it.

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June 8, 1999 – Tuesday – 9:00 a.m.

Tenielle called me at one o’clock in the morning.  She is 17-years-old now, graduating from high school, and possibly joining the Army in October.  Jenna’s baby is a year and a half now.  She and Herb never got married.  I also found out that Tenielle and my brother Kevin were actually boyfriend and girlfriend at one time and actually kissed.  But Kevin was 21, and Tenielle was only 14.  That’s just sick!

But Tenielle seems to be doing okay now.  She sounded good.  We talked about how Carol is now raising five kids on her own since her husband left and is now addicted to cocaine.  She also said that Scott was just a big fat drunk now.  What happened?  I used to look up to these people.

Sharon also called me to tell me that Laura’s boyfriend David is off in Albania where some sort of war is going on.  With the job he has, that’s just what he does, he goes to the worst part of the world at the moment and lends a hand, trying to bring peace.  Laura says she can’t live like that.  She wants someone who can be there at the end of the day.  They are both just pitiful since they are learning they aren’t compatible.  Missions is on David’s heart and not on Laura’s, so he shouldn’t bring her along.

I took off from work until the middle of the July, simply to finish school for the summer and to do Master’s Commission.  The extra time is really nice.  I’m constantly in rehearsal for scenes in Actor Coaching.  Gin and Christy and I are a team.  They’re both fun.  Christy is getting married and has rekindled my belief that there are still good girls out there worth marrying.

Well, Lord…I give you another delightful day!

June 7, 1999 – Monday – 7:00 a.m.

Saturday night the youth group had a big bon-fire cookout thing out in Suffolk.  The stars were so bright and pretty and there were railroad tracks.  I love railroad tracks!

Sterling, Christin, and Kimberly toilet-papered my car and I made them feel terrible about it, which I later felt horrible about.

We had a meeting yesterday with the Master’s Commission team.  I met my other partner, her name is Mary.  She is very sweet and very pretty and love’s God more than anything.  We leave in less than two weeks.

Because of that, I’ve made some changes to the drama team.  Michelle is now the leader with Robin and Angie as her helpers.  I’ll mentor them when I can, but I just have too many other things going on.  I have rehearsals every night this week for school.  I even have a few during lunch time.  And I still have to finish my 15-page paper.

Time is moving so fast.

But at least I’m not bored.

May 29, 1999 – Saturday – 2:20 p.m.

I go with Christin to her prom tonight.  I’m excited.  It should be fun.

This weekend Gina and Christy and I worked on our video project for Actor Coaching.  We finished this morning.  Christy’s getting married soon; she’s so awesome!

Friday night’s youth service was amazing as usual.  Kimberly and I had a neat little ministry time where I just held her and touched her face.  She cried in my arms.  There’s also a little girl named Regina that I’ve become pretty good buddies with.

It’s so great to love these people!

May 15, 1999 – Saturday – 8:43 p.m.

It’s the middle of May.  The world seems to be covered in Star Wars merchandise.  If we only celebrated Jesus the way we celebrate Jedi.

I only have four weeks of summer classes remaining.

I believe God is dealing with me about how to graduate.  I could just take comprehensive exams, but I’ve decided I need to make a short film while I’m here.  I am going to make Eyebrows.  It may keep me here another year, but it would be a tragedy if I came out of film school without something major under my belt.

I went to the mall today and quickly grew overwhelmed.  It just seems like the world is getting worse.  How much longer than this go on?  I don’t even feel like I live in this world; I’m not in touch with popular culture.  I’m sure I’m missing out, but I’m so thankful that I’m so comfortable in my solitude.

This evening I spent 15 minutes over at Mary Jo’s.  Her new guy Rob was there and he’s okay, but wow, Mary Jo becomes a complete weirdo when she’s around him.  She even sounds different in her voice.  Super strange.

David and the youth group went to Richmond for Youth Quest, but I stayed back to watch Ed’s short film that I was in.  Our kids did really well and David said that about ten of them will go to Nationals.

I’m proud to work with those kids.

Thanks God.

May 3, 1999 – Monday – 12:29 p.m.

Tammie and Jose came up on Friday and led the youth service.  We all went to IHOP afterwards.  It was so nice to see them.

On Saturday I visited with Sterling and Kimberly.  We watched A Bug’s Life, and that night I went to see a show with Kerstin at the Regent Theater.  Yesterday was my day to work with the Greensprings youth group up in Williamsburg.  I had a great time.  They are so funny up there.

That night I followed them to a totally rocking’ youth service deeper into Williamsburg and God showed up.

I don’t want fame.  I don’t want money.  I only want souls for His Kingdom.

Spend me wherever you desire God.  I am yours.

What a memorable weekend!

April 27, 1999 – Tuesday – 5:49 p.m.

I’ve been thinking a lot today.  It feels as though Regent University has no true community, no roots, no sense of place within itself.  It’s a 20-year-old school, where the average student is 35-years-old, married, and has children, and it is part of the largest city in the state of Virginia!  Lees-McRae is over 100-years-old, and is nestled is a small corner of the Blue Ridge Mountains where the town and the school couldn’t exist without each other.

I’ve moved from a school where everyone knew my name, to a school where they don’t even stop and say hello.  And yet this place is suppose to be preparing Christian leaders.  Something is not right here.  People care more about their grades than their classmates.  No one seems to be taking the time to simply be with the people around them.  Is that what adulthood is?

Oh save me God!  This simply shouldn’t be.  Help me not conform to the ways of this place, but to be present with them, to know them, to love them.