Things are moving faster now.
My greatest fear is that I will lose the time to remember.
My closest friends here are the age of my little brother.
Look at what I have become.
A role model, simple as that.
But the ones I am an example for…
I want to be their age again.
I don’t want to grow up.
But I do want to live.
The storm is already brewing again.
Even now I remind those I love here that I will be leaving.
What can be beyond here?
When will life let me catch my breath?
When can I share this lily pad?
When can I be a role model to my own blood?
When will the others become alive?
When will Emily forgive and forget?
When will my father live in God’s will?
When will Sarah let God in?
When will I have kept all my promises, and drive away into my memories?
Tonight was wonderful. I had dinner over at Kimberly’s, and we worked on sign language stuff for the show. I like the way she laughs; her whole body just vibrates with no sound.
I came back after five hours and worked on a paper, then I felt the need to call Sarah. She actually talked to me a little. She is not good, her life is confusing, and without purpose. She told me about getting drunk on Halloween. I prayed for her and we were able to talk about our relationship and what really happened between us and what it meant. And we agreed on this: that I let her bring me to the place I am now, but she never let me bring her.
But it isn’t too late. It is never too late.
I feel I’m growing cold.
I haven’t held anyone in so long.
I haven’t been touched in so long.
Jenny will sometimes walk by me at work and tickle my back; so sweet.
I feel I’m losing my touch. I’m losing my me.
Is my heart hard?
Did Sarah break me?
Can God fix me?
My old self, I want you back.
It’s past midnight. Memories haunt me. Faces, smells, and touches. I am missing Lees-McRae.
Hard to believe it has already come and gone.
I talked to Tracey tonight. And for the first time since she has returned to Lees-McRae, I tried to call Sarah. I woke up her roommate instead and Sarah wasn’t there. Elizabeth said she would have her call me. It is Homecoming weekend there. I’m afraid tonight I may lie awake waiting for her to call, but I know she never will, just like she never did so many nights that I waited in McAllister Dorm.
I fear God has created me to just drop me into a place for a season, then I’m off to somewhere else.
We live to communicate, but most of that is just us asking questions.
I can’t get to sleep right now. I’m wondering what God is up to.
Why is he so good to me? Why does he like to blow the wind through my hair? Why am I constantly studying the shapes, angles, and beauty of every girl’s eyebrows?
Look where I am now. This is one heck of a ride, but the ending is all that matters.
Words are losing their value.
All except these three:
Jesus loves me.
Another September 2nd has come and gone again. Already September. Ten days until the six year anniversary of that night in the balcony with Ryan and the others watching Jason perform two roles in Camelot.
Such good days.
Monday classes were fun. I have definitely found my place and can that God destined me to attend this school here and now so long ago. Tuesday afternoon I went to see Saving Private Ryan again, only this time with two girls I met at the swing club, Chris and Nicole. Nicole is 24 and Chris is 22. After class on Monday, Nicole and I walked back to the Regent Apartments together. It is long trail through the woods and we had a nice chat. And after the movie yesterday, we hung out together in Nicole’s apartment for a while, just talking about movies.
I got an email from Sarah. She says she went to Banner Elk Christian Fellowship on Sunday and plans to continue. That is a good thing. She seems to be doing okay, but her email had an echo of loneliness in it.
I sent Doc an email, just thanking her for Lees-McRae and telling her what was going on. She sent a lovely poem back to me and said she posted that email for all to read.
I purchased the widescreen version of Titanic yesterday and watched it last night with Matt.
I couldn’t help but think of my days with Sarah.
I miss the sound of her voice.
We had a youth ministry meeting last night. I’m excited about how God is using me at Parkway. I also talked to Jeni over the phone last night. It is so great to know we have a wonderful friendship.
I got an email from Sarah. It was rude and cold, but I wrote the nicest letter back.
Orientation is tomorrow. I only have classes on Monday, which I guess is nice, but it is very different from what I’m used to. I want to go to class, I like it, but now they are all crammed into one day. How different my new world is.
Matt called last night. He went to Minnesota because his girlfriend’s dad has brain cancer and might die. I’ve had the place to myself and it’s simply insane with how well I get along with myself.
Emily is supposed to call tonight. I wish I could hold her. She makes life normal. She makes it romantic. She adds so much and she does so little. I do hope the day will come when we can see each other again.
I need to share my heart, to share my life. I need to ride out and see the Grand Canyon with someone.
There are nearly 500 days left in this millennium. Crazy!
They threw a little party for me at work yesterday and gave me a card where my co-workers said the coolest things about me. It’s just unbelievable how amazing my birthday was. I mean, I’ve practically only been here a week.
I’ve called a few folks based on some posters I’ve seen, and, over the next month or so, I will be helping other film students on two different projects. I’m excited! And I talked to the youth pastor at Parkway Temple. He said he would love for me to help out with their drama ministry. The Lord is simply fulfilling the desires of my heart.
Emily and I talked for over an hour last night on the phone. She asked about Sarah. I told her I didn’t know. Sarah told me before that she was going to have letters waiting for me when I got back from Africa. There was nothing. But Emily and I had such a good talk. I prayed for her. She cried. We’ve come such a long way; over five years now. She will always be there. She never lets me down.
The days are moving faster now. I hope I can spend the last hours of this millennium sitting next to Emily. I hope that is possible.
What a wonderful little life I’m living.