July 29, 2000 – Saturday – 10:36 p.m.

This evening I went with my Saturday night small group to the beach, where we sang worship songs and studied the Bible.  It was a nice time.  So many people were out.  I’ve been here two full years, but I’ve never gotten into the beach culture that’s here.  I would always visit the ocean by going to Sandbridge, the non-touristy beach.  I’ve rarely hung out on the strip.

But tonight, I did take notice of the perfect way that light attached to a girl.

And it blessed me.

I’m not fully dead yet.

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July 28, 2000 – Friday – 7:09 a.m.

There is a beautiful fog hovering outside over this flat land.  It’s been 25 months since I moved here.  Dan, my new roommate, has finished moving all the way in.  David has moved out.

I’m going to do my best to graduate by December and move out before 2001, but we’ll see.  I’m not sure where I’ll go.  Perhaps up to the peninsula near Yorktown.  I’ll be closer to family, to Acoustic Works, and I hear there are good churches in Williamsburg.  But I’m merely a child; God will guide me.

In one week I’m supposed to be going to Laura’s wedding back in the mountains.  But maybe I should stay close by for my dad’s 50th birthday.  I haven’t decided yet.

Tomorrow morning I have to drive up to Langley and take pictures of the Extreme Fitness installation we are doing there.

I miss winter.

July 26, 2000 – Wednesday – 12:05 p.m.

I’m at the Chesapeake Square Mall food court next to the fountain and palm trees.  It’s my lunch break.  Trey and I watched Magnolia last night on video.  I didn’t get to bed until 3:30 this morning.

I also came to this spot yesterday to attempt to plot out my next script.  It seems to be getting very big.

There’s an older gentleman in front and to the left of me that seems to be people watching.

July is ending.  I don’t know what this month held except for my job at Acoustic Works and a trip to West Virginia.  I did spend a great deal of time editing Dang! with Trey, and playing Zelda 64.  And of course I found a new church.

August, the month of change, is on its way, but again it seems only my age will change this year.

I’m in my third year here in the Hampton Roads area.  It feels like it’s been so much longer.  I think my inner man has changed, that I got burned out on the normal way of church, and I just don’t want to play “church games” anymore, to be honest.

There’s a little girl with glasses throwing coins into the fountain.  What could she be wishing for?

I hope I’m able to redirect America’s hope to God’s endless waterfall of grace, and away from man-made fountains.

Oh God, have your way with me.  I am broken.  Yet I am also forgiven.  And I forgive as well.

It’s been raining here for the past three days.  I rather enjoy it, but I can tell it has been taking its toll on all people surrounding me.

I don’t know how much longer I’ll stay here.  Here in this job and here in this corner of Virginia.  I’ll do my best to take it one day at a time.

Jesus, your love is all I own.

July 22, 2000 – Saturday – 7:40 a.m.

This past Wednesday night I went to the small group that meet at Kristen’s boyfriend Kevin’s house.  It was a few married couples, but I had a really good time.

I just read through my older journals from 1994.  Simply amazing.  How passionate I seemed about everything.  Life, my spiritual life that is, has gotten interesting.  I see how I’ve worshipped my own relationship with God more than God himself.  I really feel like this new church will help me let go of older ways of thinking.

Thanks for that God.

Man, what a sad and wonderful thing it is to no longer be a kid.

Good thing I’m not fully there yet.

 

July 17, 2000 – Monday – 7:00 a.m.

I finally got to visit Forefront Church.  It meets in a movie theater on General Booth Blvd, closer to the beach.  It was so wonderful.  It was as though God himself was there welcoming me, for Kristen, the girl who starred in Dang! was there.  She was only there visiting for that one Sunday because she’s been doing Sight and Sound up in Lancaster, PA.  She was there to see her boyfriend Kevin, who leads a small group I hope to attend on Wednesday nights.  It was just to perfect to walk through the doors and see I face I know!  And it meets in a movie theater!

Two years ago I was in Africa.  Crazy!  Last year I had just returned from Los Angeles.  But this summer it looks like West Virginia is about as far away as I’ll go.  That’s okay, for I’m so excited about starting a new church life.

Yesterday evening, Jean from work and I randomly ended up walking around Buckroe Beach in Hampton.  She’s so cool; we have the nicest talks.  I’m thankful for her friendship.

God seems to be doing something with me, a new beginning, a letting go.  I see how he has to pull me away from Lees-McRae.  Keep me here to do your will God.  Teach this place and how to love it.

July 15, 2000 – Saturday – 3:40 p.m.

I’m not doing too well.  I sent Lindy an email, just explaining the sad condition of my heart, all I wanted was to be understood, but her reply was just telling me to shut up and get over it.

I feel those still in Banner Elk just don’t understand.  No one has left yet.  They are still surrounded by all their friends and they don’t know what it is to be alone in their 20s.  My best friends here are teenage girls (Sterling, Kimberly, Christin), and I have two nice colleagues at work (Dan and Jean), and I get along with my roommate Dan, but I really miss all the Regent film students.  I wish I could see them everyday like I used to, but I just don’t have class anymore.  I feel after I attend Dan and Abigail’s wedding that I should just let Banner Elk be.  It only hurts to try and hold on to it.

I don’t seem to make sense to people at work.  They make fun of me a lot, especially those who work in sales or who work in the warehouse.  Most of them are non-Christians.  Oh well.  It’s never really been any different, so I don’t know why it surprises me when someone thinks I’m odd.  It would probably more weird if someone viewed me as just an average dude.

I wish it was winter.  I wish it was Sunday so I could visit Forefront.  I haven’t been to a regular church service in so long.  I miss God’s touch.

July 9, 2000 – Sunday – 12:30 p.m.

I got home at 5:00 this morning.  I was up in Maryland returning Uncle Jeff’s truck back to him.  My roommate drove my new car up there and then we drove it back down together, but the alternator or battery or something messed up on us.  It’s a long story, but it took us one heck of a time getting back.  We were stopping and waiting.  We slept on the side of the interstate for a while.  We got stuck near Bowling Green, VA where we ate at the Chin Restaurant.  Actually it was the Chinese Inn, but so many letters were burnt out that it read ‘Chin.’

It feels like I’ve been all over Virginia and Maryland this week. Last weekend I camped out with Dan on the top of the mountain behind his house in West Virginia, then we spent the next day visiting Garrett County in Maryland.  I drove back on the 4th of July.

I also helped Kristen out with a CD-Rom she is working on.  She wanted to interview me about today’s youth since I lead 12 of them to Los Angeles nearly one year ago.

I’m sad that I didn’t get to visit Forefront Church this morning, but I was just too sleepy after our night on the highway.  Hopefully I can visit a week from today.

 

July 2, 2000 – Sunday – 8:10 a.m.

Well, at four o’clock yesterday afternoon I decided to go visit Dan in West Virginia.  I’ve never been here before.  It is a beautiful place full of lovely mountains.  My drive up was amazing.

Dan grew up in this awesome cabin-style house.  We went up to the top of the closest mountain last night and saw satellites floating high above.  The stars were so beautiful; there was no moon.

Dan told me that he and Abigail had talked about me and said that I seemed weirder since I left Lees-McRae.

I guess they’re right.

God I just want you to make me who you want me to be.

So it’s the 4th of July weekend and I’m in West Virginia.  Life is making less and less sense.  All seems to be fading away.  I guess I should stop expecting any of this to make sense.

I want adventure.  I want memories.  I want family.

What is keeping me from you God?  I give it up.  Take it from me.