May 26, 2000 – Friday – 6:36 p.m.

It has been seven months since that perfect night in Currituck with beautiful Marie.

Dan is in front of me playing Tetris 2.  Marie and I talked over the phone last night.  She is having a good time in New Jersey.  She doesn’t seem to be missing me.  That is a good thing I guess.  She is in the world she knows best.  I am in the corporate world I know not of.

. . .

It is a little later on this Friday night now.  I just got off the phone with Marie.  She called while I was writing earlier.  Part of me feels like she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me anymore.  I think she’s going to run away.

I just pray that you guide her God.  If you want her to go, then please let it happen.  We’ve had some good times, but perhaps I am not the best fit for her.  The last thing I want is to be a burden to her.

I’d give the world to be home tonight.  I just don’t know where that is.

Dan is still playing Tetris 2.

I am in a place I’ve never been.

Words.

Oh God, it feels like that is all I have.  Just these words on these pages.

I’d rather have you Jesus.

Feels like much is on my heart.

But I’ve got nothing to say.

May 21, 2000 – Sunday – 7:15 a.m.

It is early before church.  I think I’ve found a place to sit and think.  I’m on a park bench in the park for Lake James Residences only.  I guess it is kind of illegal for me to be here, but I need a place within walking distance from my apartment where I can go and be by myself.  There’s a nice mist in the air and turtles and fish are playing in the water below.

I have a new pair of glasses that look and feel very nice.  I’m going to be wearing my contacts a little less often I think.

Marie called last night.  I miss her so much.

Kimberly, Sterling, and I went to see Dinosaur.  It was so horrible.  It was just the same old story, and I didn’t think it looked that great.

There was a spaghetti party over at Townley’s place on Friday night, so I went and got to know some of my co-workers a bit more.

We’ve had several nighttime thunderstorms recently that have sounded awesome!

Oh God, I miss you in me.  Whatever is blocking you from being everything in me, I lay it at your feet.  Please take it away.

Life is getting very odd.  I just want to love you.  Wash me clean oh God.  Prepare me to be a living sacrifice.  May I be dead to all.  Calm my spirit, my temper, my jealousy, and my flesh.  Purify me oh God.  This is my prayer.  For I am nothing without you.  Please make me like the lilies of the valley.  I love you God.

 

May 19, 2000 – Friday – 7:30 a.m.

It’s been a long week.  In 20 minutes I have to leave for my 5th day on the job.  I’m beginning to figure out who all these new people are:

The president is Andy.  He is divorced and has no children.

Townley is 31 and has never been married.

Karen, another intern like me, is 30 and divorced.  She has two dogs and is from Pittsburg.

Andy’s mom and brother also work there.

Then there’s Michael, the senior project manager, he is also divorced and has a son who works there as well.  I think Michael has been recently remarried to Serena, the office manager.

Robin, the sales manager, lives in Richmond, but he’ll soon move down in Chesapeake.

Jean is another intern.  She is my age and married, but her husband is in the military and he might even be deployed overseas, or is about to be, I’m not sure.

All in all, I think one or two of them may have some degree of Christian faith, but many are not Christians.

They have only known me for a week, but they all tell me I am “unusual.”  I don’t know why everyone who meets me tells me that.  I’ve only ever been me, so it is odd to hear that I’m so different from the norm.

Allen and Jessica will marry in three weeks, and I’m sure Vince has arrived in Bolivia by now.

I fear Marie may be separating herself from me.  We talked on Tuesday and she sounded different.  It is clear she is back under her parent’s influence.  Oh well, let your will be done God.

I go bike riding every evening after I return from work.  I enjoy it greatly.  It’s my time with God.

May 14, 2000 – Sunday – 8:07 a.m.

Graduation was yesterday.  While I’m done with courses, I won’t graduate until next year after I finish Dang! and my thesis paper.  There was a graduation party for David at Parkway Temple yesterday as well.  On Friday I went canoeing with Dan and Theresa at Northwest River Park.

Marie went back to New Jersey yesterday.  She’ll be away for five weeks.  We had a nice time of goodbye on Friday night.

Last night I hung with with Dan and Theresa some more.  We went to Barnes and Noble and ate out at Kyoto’s.  Dan bought some feeder fish for his bigger fish at PetsMart and we enjoyed watching them get devoured.

I start my job tomorrow.  God has been taking care of me this whole time.  I miss Marie already, but hopefully work will keep me busy while I await her return.

May 11, 2000 – Thursday – 9:23 a.m.

Yesterday was a fantastic day!  I got a job and I saw myself on the big screen during the Regent Film Festival.  I was in TR, kinda like ER, but for televisions and not people.

As for the job, I had applied to be an installer, a guy who would go around and install light and sound equipment, but they sat me down in front of a computer and asked me to create something with PowerPoint.  I had never even seen PowerPoint before, but I figured it out and created a brief presentation.  I was later offered to be the personal assistant to the President of the company!  Crazy!

Technically, I’m considered an intern where I’ll make $10 an hour.  But after a few weeks, if they like me, they’ll offer me the full job with a salary and benefits.  This is my first job that pays above minimum wage!  God is so good!

I start on Monday the 15th.  The drive takes about 30 minutes, and my uncle Jeff is going to let me borrow his truck until I can get another car.  Mom says there’s a used one near her in NC that looks pretty good, so I may travel down and pick that one up.

I love you Lord!  Thanks for helping and guiding me.

May 10, 2000 – Wednesday – 10:00 a.m.

Two years ago today I graduated from Lees-McRae!

I’m preparing to go to my second interview with Acoustic Works.  The first one went pretty well.  Then I’m going with Marie to the Regent Film Festival tonight.  I do love her dearly.  I read back on my time with Sarah and it hurt my heart to realize I was once so blind.  Thank you God for my salvation.

I don’t know who may be reading all these spiral-bound pondering, but I sure hope you are able to read it all.  Life can’t be summed up by one person in one day.  It is a process and we are all ever-changing.

Thank you for your forgiveness God.

The New Mexico trip has been cancelled.  Since my car broke down, I just need to work and save money.  So Dan isn’t going either, for it would be weird for him and Theresa to be out on the road alone.

Marie leaves on Saturday.  We won’t see each other for five weeks.

Oh, perfect Marie.

May I be worthy of her.

May 6, 2000 – Saturday – 1:00 p.m.

I’m at my grandparents’.  I was headed out yesterday to visit Vince and say goodbye before he flew off to Bolivia, but my car broke down near Bottom’s Bridge in New Kent County.  I think I blew the engine.  I’m not sure what is going to happen, but it is nice being here.  I’ve had some time to reflect and think.

Soon I will be 24-years-old.  I am not married, but I’ve found a potential girl.  I’ll soon have a Master’s Degree, and I need to start working.  I have an interview Monday at a place called Acoustic Works.

I’ve watched some old home videos since I arrived here yesterday.  My grandpa always had the latest video camera in his hands while I was growing up.  How amazing to see me as a little boy back in 1987!  God is teaching me something.  I long for the life of pure love and innocence.  Oh, to be a child again.

I’ve come a long way.  High school, college, graduate school, all all the different churches that came with those places.  All the different friends.  Some now lost forever.

And all the different girls.

Cincinatti, Winston-Salem, Metuchen.

All the places I’ve walked.

I’m no longer a student, and that is all my memory has known.

So fix me God.  Prepare me for the next wave.  Send to the place you have prepared for me.

May 3, 2000 – Wednesday – 12:05 p.m.

I’m not in my room, I’m under a pine tree on Lake James Drive near Regent University.  I rode my bike here.  It is nice to get away from my room.

I’ve been reading Henderson The Rain King and have enjoyed it immensely.

Vince leaves the country in five days.  I’ve tried to call him, but he wasn’t home.  I’m now at the point of my life where I am no longer a full-time student, and, to be honest, I don’t know what to do with myself.  I’m trying to be patient.  I’m trying to wait on God.  I’m trying to get a job, but I don’t think I’m doing it very well.  I feel like I’m losing my identity.

Marie and I, well, it is obvious that our relationship is changing form.  God please have your way with us and melt all my insecurities away.  I have grown to not like who I am these days.  I have this opportunity to spend three weeks on the road with Dan and Theresa, and I think that would be good for me, but I feel like I should be trying to find a job though.  That pressure is mainly coming from Marie and her family.

For the first time in my life, I’ve met a mother who doesn’t like me.  After Marie’s mom spent more time with me, she thinks I’m the wrong one for Marie and she has told her as much.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that.  I’ve left my church to attend church with Marie, and Marie’s church just doesn’t believe the same things, spiritually speaking, that I do.

I feel as though I’m losing myself who I am.

I want to be with Marie.  I love her so much.  I guess all the differences and the road blocks scare me.  I’m just waiting to see what God is going to do.

I want to start working on more films, but I have this huge debt hanging over my head, so I feel I must put my focus on that.

An old married couple just rode by on their bikes.  Will I ever become that?

This is a nice little grove in the trees; similar to Emily’s crying place in Crestview, but that  has since been torn down to make way for suburban sprawl.

Perhaps I should put all my efforts toward doing video work on the mission field.  That way I can travel the world.

I want to drive out west and spend many days thinking and writing in my journal.

I miss writing in my journal.

I’m going to ride my bike around some more.

May 1, 2000 – Monday – 9:00 a.m.

April 30th came and went.

Marie and I made breakfast, went to church, walked on the beach, sat in the woods, she read Emily of New Moon to me as I lay my head in her lap, we ate out at Captain George’s Seafood in Pungo, the crab legs and cherry pie were wonderful, the sun set over our dinner, and then we held each other outside as Orion’s Belt hovered over the horizon, preparing to deliver us a warm summer night sky.

April turned out to be a great month of learning for Marie and I.  I thank God for April of 2000.