August 22, 1999 – Sunday – 10:00 a.m.

There are nine days left in the month of change, but I don’t know what has changed other than my age and my roommate.

I’m so clueless as to what is going on.  Perhaps I like it that way.  I feel the Lord calling me to Wilmington, NC.  That feels right and makes sense.  Could only 9 1/2 months remain here?

I feel I have no control over my life.  I’m just some leaf in the wind.  If so, why am I receiving such a life?  I’m not worthy of it.  It is the thing I enjoy, the thing I fear, and who I am.  Was I created to share? Am I an apostle who has no home?

I don’t want to know the answers God.  Honest, I’m afraid of them.  I just want to move forward, knowing one thing: that you will never let me go.  I’d rather have your storm, than my peace.

It doesn’t have to make sense to me.  Only to you.

I don’t need any miracles.  I don’t need any signs or wonders.  I see you every time I open my eyes.  I just need you to life my life for me while I love you.  I don’t have the strength to do both.

 

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August 20, 1999 – Friday – 1:30 p.m.

I feel haunted by every moment.  Memories of these days here in Virginia Beach have already begun to linger in my mind and heart.  It seems I live every moment knowing it will never be again.  I do believe that true love lasts forever.  Veronica, Jeni, Emily, Sarah, these loves did not last forever.  Who they are now is not the person I once knew.  I’m sure I too have changed.

The summer is slowly closing, and I wish I could be back in the arms of Mary.  I wish I could sit above the city of dreams and overlook L.A.  I wish I could wake up once more under the thin slice of the Vermont moon.

I am missing days I haven’t even entered.

Oh to be 22 again.  To have just returned from Africa, to be working with the beautiful Dawn, to be sitting in class talking about movies, to be directing fifteen teens in a Christmas show.

I visited eleven new states while I was 22.

I miss the wife I have yet to meet.  Forgive me for looking for you in others’ hearts.

I want to sleep in the arms of the one who knows me.

August 19, 1999 – Thursday – 8:00 a.m.

Mary Jo and her guy Rob, plus Stephen, took me out to eat for my birthday.  All the beautiful waitresses sang happy birthday to me.

Lindy called me at midnight to wish me a happy birthday.  And Nate called me as well.  He is in high school now.

I worked at the bookstore all day on Tuesday.  It was the best day!  They had a cake and everything for me.

Sterling’s family had me over for dinner that night and Kimberly came over as well.  We all met up with other folks from the youth group to go pick David up from the airport.  He has been in Bogota.

I met with Lorene since she is going to be the chair for my thesis film I’m doing.  I’ve titled it DANG!.  I have to incorporate my own production company to produce it properly and legally.  I bought a book on how to do that last night.  This is kind of crazy.

I can feel in the air that autumn is on its way.  This 23rd year of my life is going to be something else.  My movie will take up most of it, plus a full year of classes, not to mention teaching at the church on Wednesday nights.  I’ll also be working on a feature length script for my story structure class.  The summer is almost over.

On Monday I have an audition for a CBN/700 Club feature story.  Someone told the director that I look exactly like this real life murderer, so I’ve been asked to read for the part.  Should be fun!

 

August 16, 1999 – Monday – 10:23 a.m.

I spent most of last week working at the bookstore.  We have some new people working there, and Jenny’s last day was Wednesday.  I’m thankful for that job.  It is relaxing.  I can be myself.  I spend most of the day laughing.

I talked to Vince last week.  He told me that his new girlfriend Natalie stays with him at this Newland Land Harbor place and they sleep in the same bed, but he assures me they aren’t having sex.  I don’t know what he is thinking.

Thursday night I went out with Marion and Rebekah from church, I took them to see Runaway Bride.  Friday was our bookstore beach day.  And on Saturday I went to Justin’s birthday party after work.  He turned 15.  Brandon spent the night and the next day after church we hung out at the beach with Melissa and Amanda, they are Sterling and Christin’s cousins.  They’re parents are going through a divorce, so I figured I’d show up more often to spend time with the girls as they go through this difficult time.  They are 14 and 11.  I’m not sure what I can do, but I’m pretty good at smiling, laughing and crying, and all three of those are worth sharing.

Lindy has been on my mind a lot.  Perhaps it is just that Allen and Jessica, and Dan and Abigail, and Curtis and Meagan will probably all get married next summer.

You know, maybe the joy of all this is in its simplicity.  To simply live and not know what is going on.  To now worry about figuring it out because Jesus has already figured it out for us.  I don’t need to know what is going on, but just lean on loving those around me.

My mom called this morning to wish me a happy birthday.  She forgot last year and tried so hard to this year that she called me a day early.  Ha!

August 9, 1999 – Monday – 6:57 p.m.

Time sure is moving itself along, isn’t it?

Church was great yesterday.  I so adore Pastor Trueblood’s sermons.  He is gifted and anointed.  Brandon and Jason hung out with me before we went to the final Master’s Commission service.  It was great to see everyone.  God definitely showed up at that service.  What a joy it is to know the Lord.

It was so nice to see Mary.  She came with a friend sho was staying at the beach.  So, after the service, we went to our spot over at Fort Henry.  That wonderful little overlook with a lighthouse on one side and a sparkling bridge on the other.

We stayed there for about an hour and simply held each other.  Through what Mary shared, God has used me to bring an amazing amount of healing to her heart and mind.  Thank you for using me God.  She wrote me a letter that contained quotes from other authors:

“To be touched tells man that he is loved.  To touch tells man that he is a lover.  Touching is therefore being.”

Thank you Lord for my ability to touch others.

 

August 8, 1999 – Sunday – 8:43 a.m.

I got home yesterday around one in the afternoon.  The ten hour drive from Vermont was a completely wonderful thing.  In fact part of me still feels like I’m there under that early morning star-filled sky.  It was nearly as vast as the sky I saw over Africa a year ago.

About 30 minutes after I got home, I got a call from Dayton asking if I was able to go to one final Master’s Commission service.  The service will be later on today, right down the street at Centerville Fellowship.  It’s been about three weeks since I’ve last saw everyone.

Last night I hung out over at Kimberly’s and then met up Sterling and family at Upton’s.  They went home, and I went to see The Blair Witch Project.  I had heard the whole thing was made up, but that didn’t keep me from being scared.  My knees were knocking against each other.  The theater was packed and some people clearly believed all the marketing and thought it was really found footage.  I saw a group of girls so terrified they ended up sitting in the same seat holding each other.  It was pretty cool.

Mary called me last night and we talked for about three hours.  She’s so funny.  She’s so weird.  I’m glad we’re good friends.  I’m glad me being myself seems to bless her.

Throughout our conversation I kept talking about Lindy since I had just recently seen her and her parents.  I was just talking about what a wonderful friendship we had, and then after a while Mary said, “Jacob, you’re in love with her!”

Uh…

I just kept talking.  Part of me was thinking “Duh! Like I don’t know that.”  But the other part of me was thinking, “Are you crazy, she’s like my sister!”

But this isn’t a new thought.  I’ve always battled those two thoughts.  Lindy is my friend, one of the best I’ve ever known.  We seem to never run out of things to tell each other.  Wouldn’t it be nice to wake up next to someone and have everything in the world to talk about?  What a beautiful miracle that would be.

 

August 6, 1999 – Friday – 8:30 p.m.

I’m at a rest area in Vermont.  This is an insanely beautiful state, but now I long to be home.  In fact, during a nine mile hike in the White Mountain National Forest, I decided to not head into Canada, but to turn around and head south.  I think it was something about all the land and all the new faces.  There was something in the voice of the beautiful girl who couldn’t find the napkins at McDonald’s in St. Jonesbury, VT… she just seemed like a human worth knowing, and I grew overwhelmed by the fact that I knew no one in the whole state.  Yet, much further south, there were tons of wonderful people I did know.

On the way down I-91 in Vermont, the sky and the mountains and the light were doing amazing things.  I began to cry thanks to the vastness of God’s beauty and holiness.  He created so many other people.  I had forgotten what a miracle it was to simply know another person.

I think that’s why God called me up here, to remind me of that simple fact.

Oh to be safe in my home.  I’m so tired after such a long hike, but can’t afford another hotel.  I think I’ll just sleep in my car in this rest area.

Protect me oh Lord.