April 20, 1999 – Tuesday – 5:30 p.m.

I found out today that the class schedule has changed.  They are only offering Advanced Directing in the fall now.  I could take it in the Spring of 2000, which now means I will not be able to direct a five-minute film, much less a 25-minute film.  But I will still graduate and I’m sure God has a plan.

I began doing some research on the net for internships.  I sent an email into Screen Gems Studios in Wilmington, NC.  It looks like a nice place.  We’ll see.

I ran into Mary Jo yesterday night.  She received an email from an old college guy she really liked and he’s now engaged to another girl.  Mary Jo was full of tears.  I went with her to her apartment, sat close by her, and listened.

She sent me an email today saying thanks for listening.  I wrote her back, telling her she was a complete treasure.

Christin needs a prom date, and she asked me.  I said I would be glad to take her, but I don’t have any money.  So, her parents offered to pay for me, get my tux, pay for dinner and everything.  I couldn’t say no.  I didn’t go to my own prom, but at age 22, I’m going to one now.  It’s about a month away.

There are only two weeks of classes left.  This place is quickly passing me by.

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April 18, 1999 – Sunday – 7:09 a.m.

Two weeks and four days remain until I head back to Lees-McRae.  I look forward to walking alone on my own private mountain trails.  I need to think again with a clear mind.  The mountain air always does me good.

I called Allen yesterday morning.  Our conversation turned a bit serious when he told me that things went poorly with three of my dear friends as he attempted to do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing.  He said he feels terrible.  He crossed the line with each of them and they mean so much to me.  It hurt to hear it, but I can do nothing but love them and forgive them.  The conversation did make me very thankful to be there.  I’m surrounded by so much innocence and purity.  I would rather deal with loneliness than continually deal with the temptation I had to deal with during my days with Sarah.  God continues to heal me of all those past hurts and pains.  I want to me the real true me.

There really aren’t any girls here that seem to have my name on them.  My thoughts often dwell on Mary Jo, Kimberly, and even Kerstin, but I honestly don’t think they are for me.  I want to hold out for true love, and not just settle for a pretty girl I think I can live with.  Mary Jo has impressed me the most with her heart, but I’m afraid our future paths in life are completely different.

For my most immediate future, I want to live my life in airports.  I seem to find peace in them.  Perhaps because I already live each day watching others as I wait to fly away.

There was a funny moment that happened at IHOP the other night when I was there with the youth group.  I ordered pancakes and thought the thing in front of me on the table was syrup, but no…it was coffee.  And it came out fast.  I poured coffee all over my pancakes, myself, the table, those sitting next to me.  Marion laughed for the next ten minutes.  It was actually fantastic to be so the source of so much joy and laughter.

There are days when I like to be alone

To be still and silent

To listen

My stomach growls, my VCR rewinds

My memory does them both

A plane flies overhead

And I hear this pen move across this paper

 

Then there are days when I must listen to music

To hear the words of others as they dream

And to dream with them

I agree with Cindy Morgan, relate with Derek Webb

And adore Rebecca

But still there are times when my breath

Is the only music I need

 

And in this silent, I’ve come to ponder love

Is it terrible to love the wrong woman?

Is that such a waste of time?

If so, I wasted seven months

And can’t afford to spend this heart on the wrong one once again

The effort would be a tragedy

A ticking clock, never knowing the time

April 15, 1999 – Thursday – 9:30 p.m.

Life is beautiful.

There are beautiful eternal instants happening all around me.  Moments of bike-riding with Kimberly and studying the photo albums of her youth with her under the amber light shade of her living room.

Mary Jo just left here.  We spent nearly an hour together just listening to good music, especially Caedmon’s Call’s Table for Two.  We have declared it our song.  Our conversation turned into a pillow fight.  She is so lovely to be around.

Kerstin came to visit me in the bookstore.  We seem to talk so much about relationships, despite the fact that neither of us are in one.  Oh how beautiful conversation is.

David and his brother and I are going to see The Matrix tonight.  They haven’t seen it yet. I called Vince last night, he said he saw it and he loves it.  He said he plans to spend the summer in Banner Elk, as does everyone else.

Everything looks better.  Everyone is beautiful.  Jesus has become my eyes.  To know him; that is the only reason why we are here.

Angela (from my South Africa trip) and I email each other regularly.  She is such a blessing.  She lives in Seattle.

I’m sure the air feels nice outside McAlister Hall right now, but I’d rather feel the air here.  How wild this thing is.  I don’t miss driving the hour back and forth between Siler City and Winston-Salem; I’m just glad to know I was once there.

I’m happy to know that I was a good undergraduate student and that I did it well.  Oh this life is not my own.  I’m so thankful for that; it’s easier to exist that way.  No burdens.  No fears.  I only task is to let go and love every minute freely and fully.  I job is to rest in his peace and salvation.

My beautiful Jesus.  You are perfection.  Thank you for the life you’ve breathed into me.  I love you.  I do, I do.

April 11, 1999 – Sunday – 10:03 a.m.

I saw three bald eagles yesterday at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg.  I went with Sterling’s family, Christin, and Jeremy.  We had a great time despite the fact that Jeremy talked about himself the whole time.  He seems so desperate for attention; help me give him what he needs Lord.

Friday morning was the Lunchbox theater performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream where I had a small role.  It went really well.

We had drama practice yesterday and God really moved on me during the youth service.

Something is happening though.  Something I cannot explain or put a finger on.  I pray I do not take this life for granted.  None of this seems to be lasting, yet it is all so distracting.  Please don’t tell me what is happening God.  I’m afraid I might run away!

 

April 9, 1999 – Friday – 8:10 a.m.

I met with my research and writing group on Wednesday, but we got nothing accomplished.  Afterwards, I had dessert with Mary Jo at Applebee’s.  We pretty much just sat there and shared our entire life stories to each other.  She really opened up to me about her relationship with her grandfather.  It was a delightful time.  She invited me over last night as well.  She even baked me cookies.  What a sweet, sweet girl!  A girl who has come to occupy my mind.

After the cookies, I then went to the movies and saw The Matrix.  Wow!  I loved it!  I mean loved it!  It was wonderful!  I’m amazed by what we can accomplish with film.

April 7, 1999 – Wednesday – 7:50 a.m.

The past two days have been really rough.  Last night though, we had a leaders meeting at Robin’s house.  We were singing out on her porch, David’s brother was playing guitar, and the next door neighbor’s game out to listen.  I ran over and invited them to join us.  They did, and to make a long story very short, they both accepted Jesus as their savior last night; so awesome!

I went running this morning in the Lake James neighborhood.  I felt the desire to go there and pray for the youth in that area.

It is a beautiful morning.  A perfect day is ahead.  Jesus is the key to happiness.

April 4, 1999 – Sunday – 11:14 p.m.

It’s been a wonderful Easter Sunday!  I went to Sterling’s after church, then over to Christian’s and Connie’s, where we played frisbee.  We celebrated Easter as well as a group member’s birthday.

A southern gospel group called the Tully Trio put on a concert at church tonight.  It was surprisingly good.  Afterwards, myself and eight of the teens from youth went out to eat at Applebee’s.

Kimberly’s cousin was with us, and he kept laughing so hard at all my jokes that he began choking and snot bolted out of his nose.  It was a fun evening.  I do not believe I have yet grasped the realization of the true treasure that is in each of the teens here.  Please God, teach me that before it’s too late.