August 16, 1999 – Monday – 10:23 a.m.

I spent most of last week working at the bookstore.  We have some new people working there, and Jenny’s last day was Wednesday.  I’m thankful for that job.  It is relaxing.  I can be myself.  I spend most of the day laughing.

I talked to Vince last week.  He told me that his new girlfriend Natalie stays with him at this Newland Land Harbor place and they sleep in the same bed, but he assures me they aren’t having sex.  I don’t know what he is thinking.

Thursday night I went out with Marion and Rebekah from church, I took them to see Runaway Bride.  Friday was our bookstore beach day.  And on Saturday I went to Justin’s birthday party after work.  He turned 15.  Brandon spent the night and the next day after church we hung out at the beach with Melissa and Amanda, they are Sterling and Christin’s cousins.  They’re parents are going through a divorce, so I figured I’d show up more often to spend time with the girls as they go through this difficult time.  They are 14 and 11.  I’m not sure what I can do, but I’m pretty good at smiling, laughing and crying, and all three of those are worth sharing.

Lindy has been on my mind a lot.  Perhaps it is just that Allen and Jessica, and Dan and Abigail, and Curtis and Meagan will probably all get married next summer.

You know, maybe the joy of all this is in its simplicity.  To simply live and not know what is going on.  To now worry about figuring it out because Jesus has already figured it out for us.  I don’t need to know what is going on, but just lean on loving those around me.

My mom called this morning to wish me a happy birthday.  She forgot last year and tried so hard to this year that she called me a day early.  Ha!

Advertisements

August 4, 1999 – Wednesday – 8:15 a.m.

Yesterday was Lindy’s birthday.  We took her out to eat and to see Runaway Bride.  It was a fantastic time.  She’s 22.  We are only the same age together for two weeks every year.

I got to see Jeni last night.  We talked and caught up.  She is so busy with work and with marriage that she realize her relationship with the Lord feels very distant.  Again, it made me thankful that God was the only one on my heart at the moment.

In a little while I will leave from here and head north.  The Lord is my shepherd.  He is my guide.  My goal is to simply go away with him and see is creation.

Deep Creek last weekend brought bittersweet feelings.  I think I would like to go much less often and keep it a part of my childhood.  I did stand on my ledge and it was wonderful to pray there.

Talking to everyone about marriage is crazy.  Allen and Jessica really feel right for each other.  I’m excited for them.  Of course Dan and Abigail will probably get married next year as well.

God is keeping me young at this stage of life.  So, I leave my old college town now and prepare for the road ahead.  I am in your hands Father.  Protect me, guide me, love me.

 

September 15, 1998 – Tuesday – 11:49 p.m.

Today was a crazy day.

I talked to Emily last night and she said the strangest thing:

“Jacob, you have to promise me something.  If neither of us are married by the time we are 30, let’s marry each other.”

That blew me out of the water.  That’s not very far away.  We shall see.

I sometimes wonder if I’m called to be single my whole life.  Sharon, quite possibly the world’s greatest wife and mother, is already taken so staying single may not be a bad thing.

Speaking of, Sharon said she saw Rebecca St. James in concert last night. She hung out with her family and even talked about me to Rebecca.  Crazy!

I don’t even know Rebecca, but I miss her.

April 9, 1998 – Thursday – 7:30 p.m.

We are nearing mid-April.  It’s already the forth month, yet it feels like 1998 just began.

A year ago I was dealing with Abigail hating my guts, but earlier tonight she was hugging me tightly for a few minutes for we know time is slipping away.

Two years ago I performed the Easter skit at Heaton Christian Church with the high schoolers.  Then Dan and Charlie and I had a deep talk of love.  Dan couldn’t stand to even talk about love and today he talked about his blooming relationship with Abigail.

And three years ago I was receiving letters from Emily, my one true thing whom I haven’t seen, spoken, or written to in nearly a year.

And then there was today.  Sarah came over just before midnight last night.  My visitation hours ended at one this morning, but Sarah didn’t leave until 5:00 a.m.  We went a little too far in those early hours of today.  Our bodies just seemed to take over.  We didn’t go all the way, but I do think in a slight way it made us closer, cause we took the time to talk about how we crossed the line.

Honestly, I think it was the scene from Lysistrata.  I played an extremely horny character and I was rolling around on the studio floor with another girl.  I think it turned both Sarah and I on.

The storm is 30 days away.  Sarah is still with me.  She told me last night that she was in love with me and that it scared her.  She wondered why I chose her out of all the girls on campus.

These days are so weird.  I have a whole new world to think about, yet I’m so in love with the one I have right here.  Yet, I know that if I just take it a day at a time, it’ll all be okay.

I wondered today if I could spend my life with Sarah.  And I don’t know.  I’m not sure yet.  We will see in time.  One can never know what lies ahead.

Will I still write about Sarah three Aprils from now?

What a time in my life this has been.  From November 22nd until this day, Sarah has been the defining force of my senior year.

I put my cap and gown on today.  It felt weird.  It’s been four years since I wore one of those.

Things are so up in the air.  I look forward to the day when I know a person will always be by my side, for Sarah with me in my bed until five in the morning was an amazing treasure.  To have your wife always by your side when you sleep, could there be anything more wonderful?

Well, yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow will soon be today.  I wish time would slow down, just a little bit.

February 7, 1998 – Saturday – 6:10 p.m.

Oh man! The beginning hours of February 7, 1998 were so amazing.

Sarah and I began a phone conversation at one in the morning and we didn’t hang up until four o’clock.  We had the best time!  I told her things about me that not many people know.  I told her about two Florida girls, Syndi and my pen pal Emily.

I just read my May 8, 1995 entry, the one about Syndi and I under the waterfall, and because I was so young and so scared, I didn’t even reveal the full events of that evening to the pages of my journal.  That entry is missing a great deal.  Maybe it’s just retrospect, the me of now looking back on the me of then, that was needed for the truth of that night to be revealed to me.

Either way, early this morning, I told Sarah, my girlfriend, the story of Syndi and the story of why I broke up with Jeni.  The truth is I had begun to hate how physical my relationship with Jeni had become.  We never had sex, but I just felt like a dirty slimy dog of a pervert because I began to care more about where I could touch her with my hands than I did the quality of our conversations.

I then told Sarah how I had only known Syndi for two weeks prior to our May 7th, 1995 escapade and how wild it was for me to be around her because, well…because Syndi had (and I’m sure she still has) beautiful, large, firm, gravity-defying breasts that simply demanded male eye-contact.  It was wild to be with her because I was used to Jeni, who was relatively flat-chested.  So, for me to be lying under a blanket of stars, beneath a beautiful waterfall, next to the most well-endowed girl I had even known, who kept saying she was cold, well…I began to pray.  If I felt like a slimy dog with flat-chested Jeni, how would I be if I was holding the insanely curvy Syndi?  I feared I wouldn’t be able to control my hands or my whole self.

And, of course, I went on to tell Sarah about how after I offered to hold Syndi to keep her warm, she began talking about sex.  Now I left this part out of my 1995 entry, but Syndi talked for a while about sex with her ex-boyfriend, and then she eventually said with a whisper, “Jacob, are you going to wait until you are married to have sex?”

With her breasts against my chest, I said, half giving up and half begging for mercy, “Well, that’s the way I had planned it.”

And I don’t know how much time had passed.  It could have been a second.  It could have been a minute.  But eventually Syndi said, “Well, I guess we better go then.”

I have since concluded that God used that night, that beautiful girl, and that cleansing waterfall to purify me, and show me that I was not a slimy dirty dog, but a man who loved and respected women.

Sarah and I had a good laugh, mainly because I’m somewhat of a Christian leader on campus and not viewed as one who would talk so openly about my love of breasts to my own girlfriend.  When trying to explain the shape of Syndi’s body to Sarah, I said, “Well, let’s just say, she’s is closer to your neck of the woods.”  Sarah laughed forever.

It was then I told my girlfriend that I greatly enjoy her.  I love to look at her.  I love to hold her.  I think she has a beautiful body, an amazing face, and I find her very sexy and pleasing to look at.  Our physical relationship is not a very big one, but I enjoy it greatly.

She thanked me for telling her that.

We continued talking and she told me some of her stories.  I also gave her a brief summary of Emily and I and even read some of Emily’s old letters to her.

She then told me that for the first time in a relationship, she was not jealous of the other girls in her man’s life.  Then she started crying.  And she said it felt so good not to have that burden.

I told her she has no reason to be jealous of the girls of yesterday, for they have helped make me who I am today, the me that loves her.  I owe them so much for that.

Sarah is in the picture below; it was taken during a performance of the Christmas Concert.

Can you find her?  She is the beautiful one.

IMG_1821

January 17, 1998 – Saturday – 11:00 a.m.

Okay, never mind.  I wasn’t way off.

Yesterday, Friday the 16th, was a record-breaking day for five girls came to my room and talked to me about their romantic pursuits.

First was Geana.  We talked about sex because she and her boyfriend have sex.  She knows the Bible teaches against it, but she says with him it doesn’t feel like a sin.  She was in a car accident about five years ago where she suffered brain damage.  After that, she said her thinking changed and started doing things she would have never done before.  She seemed confused and admitted as much.  I told her that if the love was true, both would stop having sex, guard their hearts and bodies, and get married.  She seemed to see the logic in that.  She’s an interesting and weird girl.  After telling me all this stuff, she then took a nap on my sofa for an hour.

And while she was asleep, Sherlive called.  She called to talk to me about Vince for she is but another girl who is crazy about him.  I told her he was still confused about Laura and to just be his friend, but to also not be a stranger.

Then, Jessica came over and we talked about her and Allen.  They went on a midnight hike at the beginning of the semester and she now likes him and wanted to know if I knew how he felt about her.

The next girl was Emily, not my pen pal, but Emily from the theater department, who plays the prostitute I have the underwear scene with in Cuckoo’s Nest.  She wanted to talk about her confusing feelings towards Timothy and AJ.

And then the last girl to desire my company and advice was Sarah, my girl, and we got to talk about us.  Thursday night, over the phone, she told me that she had a present for me, “a special present,” she added.

“Well, I’m excited,” I said.

I saw her around lunch time and we smiled brightly at each other.  I called her while Geana was asleep only to find her crying.  She said she was an emotional wreck, but that she had to go to class.  I told her she was beautiful and that I loved her.

At dinner, she was still a little weird and I told her I would look her up after rehearsal.  After rehearsal Sarah, Mason, and Jessi went to rent a movie.  I watched it with them in Mason’s room with half the freshmen Performing Arts students, but Sarah never acknowledged I was there.

I was on duty and I got a call over the radio, so I left to deal with that and never returned.  I went to my room, put on Hymn by Jars of Clay, then put it on repeat, and began to read the Gospel of John.  While reading, a peace came over me.  I have been praying for a while now for God to teach me to love like he loves.  And I realized that he answered my prayer through Sarah.  He showed me how much it hurts when he loves those who do not even acknowledge or look at him.

When I got to the second chapter, there was a knock at my door.

Sarah came in.

She sat on the floor, by the sofa I was sitting on, and laid her head upon me.  I put my arm around her and ran my fingers through her hair.

She began to cry and she didn’t stop until she left, which was about an hour later.

My eyes shed no tears.

She eventually spoke.  “You see a beauty in me that I have yet to see.  I see how much you love and care for me and its the scariest thing I’ve ever known.”

“You ought to be me,” I smiled.

“I just don’t know what to do.”

“Do you want me to let you go?”

“Not completely.”

“I know not completely, but enough where we don’t have to pretend to play this little game?  I can’t stop loving you Sarah, but I can stop trying to show it.  And you know that I’m here if you ever need someone to hold you.”

She continued to cry.

“I’ve known you’ve felt this way for a long time,” I told her, “I just wanted to be come and tell me.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“You couldn’t hurt me.”

“I don’t want you to have to need me.”

“Sarah, I needed me to love you more than I ever needed you to love me.  What has happened between us is a beautiful thing.  God has told me to love you now, because we both will need it later on.  Please don’t feel guilty.”

We looked at each other for a while.

She broke the silence with, “It’s not like I don’t love you, I do, and you know I’ll always be here,” she placed her hand on my chest, “but I’m just not ready.”

More silence passed.

“I had a cross necklace that I wanted to give you, something that I’ve had for a while that has been very special to me, but it feel out of my pocket today and I lost it.”

The tears poured from her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

After a few eternal silent moments of unending eye-contact, she finally kissed me on my cheek and said, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”  I said.

December 29, 1997 – Monday – 1:19 p.m.

Guess what?

Yep.

Sarah and I made plans for today.  I was going to see her after my dentist appointment, but it started snowing and mom wouldn’t let me go.  I got upset, but she wouldn’t change her mind.  I called Sarah and she was disappointed, but she understood.

Mom drove me to the dentist and we got a chance to talk.  I told her I was disappointed because she doesn’t seem interested in my relationship with Sarah.  She never asks about her, she never asks about anything.

We went back and forth for a while and I told her I was in love with Sarah and that I was glad that I got upset when I couldn’t go see her today.  I’m glad that it hurt.  It would be terrible if I was okay with not seeing the one I love.  I told her that I watch her and Henry and I watch so many other married couples and that they’ve all become these sad sad stories of boredom.

Henry asks for kisses from mom and she keeps on walking.  Henry sleeps in a chair downstairs alone while mom sleeps upstairs.  I said, “if that is what happens to the fire that is inside me now, then I don’t want it at all.”

It’s true.  I pray every day that my relationship with Sarah never becomes boring, or something that I’m used to.  I pray it never looses its magic and I pray God helps us to keep it alive and new and real.

I think mom felt a little convicted.  And she should.  Christians should have the most amazing romantic relationships of all humans.  God is love and he is supposed to be with them!  If my mom and stepfather call themselves Christians, but they don’t share a bed and I never see them kiss each other, then I think they are being bad Christians.

I told Sarah all of this over the phone after the dentist and she agreed with me.  I can’t wait till the next time I see her.

God gave me this life and I refuse to let the world ruin me.  I am going to live.  I am going to love.  I am alive.  I’m not dead like half this world.  I am alive and well!