February 28, 1997 – Friday – 10:25 a.m.

Oh God, what is happening here?

We had a wonderful Bible Study last night.  After it was over, Abigail and I talked for the longest time.  She told me what was on her heart.  She is one of the very few people here who can understand the spiritual side of me.  I grow closer to her each day.  I fall more each day.

Only two more months though.  But I want her to leave.  She is trapped here.  Stuck.  In Nashville she can grow as a Christian artist and I want what is best for her.

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February 27, 1997 – Thursday – 10:00 a.m.

Today is Curtis’ 21st birthday!

On Tuesday, Jessica and I went for a long hike to the top of a nearby mountain.  We had a good time.  She’s so delightful to spend time with and has such a bright future ahead of her.

Last night, or rather all of yesterday, Abigail…well she…she has become a very dear friend.  We continue to grow closer.  Last night Jeni and she and I prayed again together.  Abigail rested her head on my knee and ran her thumb up and down my fingers as she held my hand.

She has me.

I wonder if she knows it.

Four years ago, I was questioning love.  Veronica was on my mind.  And in reality, I had no idea.

Four years.

Veronica, Ryan, Christi, Jenna, Tenielle, Jeni, Emily, Syndi, Laura, Abigail…

These are the girls who have taught me the most.

Not only have I touched her face, but she tells me that I have touched her heart.  She is not another Ryan or Christi, she is simply my Abigail.  This list will continue to grow and no name will ever disappear.  I want our goodbye to be painful.  I want this to hurt.  I need this to hurt.

I need to share my heart.

February 25, 1997 – Tuesday – 5:30 a.m.

It’s 5:30 a.m. and I’ve been up for over an hour.

Last night, around 9:00 p.m., Jeni calls me up and asks me if I would like to go on a walk with her and Abigail.  Of course, I said, “yes.”

I brought two flashlights and the three of us went to the treehouse.  The was there was delightful and fun.  Once in the treehouse, Abigail told me what had been pressing upon her heart.  She wants to sing, sing for the Lord, and Lees-McRae doesn’t offer a purely vocal performance major.  Abigail is considering a school in Nashville.  She feels God is calling her there and in two months, she might be gone.

The words tore holes in my heart, but I felt God’s peace.  I was becoming attached to her, so it was bound to happen.

The three of us prayed and Abigail thanked God for me and my inspiration.  She looks up to me and calls me her role model.  After we prayed, I asked her if she would like to sing.  I laid my head upon her shoulder and her voice filled the air:

“Oh Lord, you’re beautiful

Your face is all I seek.

For when your eyes

Are on this child,

Your grace abounds to me.”

So, in a couple of months, I will say goodbye to Jeni, Curtis, and Abigail.

Life is simply a collection of greetings and farewells.

There are times though, when I wish it wasn’t.

February 24, 1997 – Monday – 11:10 a.m.

God is so good.

He has given me everything.  I love him with my life.  He knows me better than anyone else.  He knows my rights and my wrongs.  He knows my weaknesses, yet he still loves me.  He knows everything I am going through and he loves me nonetheless.

God, I know you will never let me go.

Thank you for Abigail God.

Thank you for Jeni, Tracey, Jessica, Ann-Marie, Vince, Dan, Allen, Curtis, Josh, and Timothy.

You are my life.  You are my light.  You are my love.

You are my everything.  I need nothing but you.

I am yours.

Yours forever.

February 23, 1997 – Sunday – 12:43 a.m.

Today (Saturday) was wonderful.  And the evening was one of the greatest of the semester.

For dinner, Tracey, Ann-Marie, Lindy, Jessica, Alex, Abigail, and I went to Mr. Angel’s house.  They invited us over to their newly built house.  It was so beautiful inside.

Abigail and I really seemed to click.  Since seven of us were packed into Tracey’s car, two of our group had to sit up front with Tracey.  In order to get shotgun in Tracey’s car, you have to say it in French.  Tracey taught me how to say it and Abigail is the only other person who knows how to say it.  So the two of us were squeezed next to each other and it was so much fun.  I love the way she laughs.

We ate pasta for dinner; so delicious.  Everyone just talked for so long.  We played the laughing game, the cup game, and even the “This is a what?” game.  The whole time Abigail and I just seemed to be talking back and forth to each other.

When it came time to leave, she hollered out “Shotgun!” in French and immediately looked at me with big, waiting eyes, hoping I would say it as well.

I did.

On the way back, Tracey reached over and started rubbing the top of my head because her hands were cold.  Abigail said, “Hey, why is no one rubbing my hair?”  So, I reached over and ran my fingers through her hair.  She leaned her head forward and I ran my fingers up and down her neck and the back of her head.

And this continued for a couple of perfect, eternal moments.

She lifted her head back up and we didn’t say anything.  There was silence, and peace, and contentment.  It was wonderful.

Oh Abigail, I pray God takes care of you and gives you the desires of your heart.

February 20, 1997 – Thursday – 12:05 p.m.

Emily called me last night.  Something has happened.  Brandon, her ex-boyfriend, beat her up Sunday afternoon.  Her face and body are covered in bruises.

We talked for so long.  She feels so empty, sad, and betrayed.  Nothing makes sense to her now except for me and I am hundreds of miles away.  But even though she was in such need, she gave me her heart and spoke encouragement to me.  I gave her my heart as well and after a hour of sharing our love for each other, we both felt much better.

I finally got off the phone with her, a brief moment of silence past, and I couldn’t keep it in any more.  I burst into tears and cried and cried for my long lost love.  I wished I was there to kiss all her bruises away.

I walked over to visit with Jeni, Tracey, and Ann-Marie.  They comforted me.

Something else seems to be happening.

Thursday afternoon I went rock hopping with Jessica.  We had a wonderful time together.  And there are also several girls on campus who keep stopping and smiling at me.  It’s happens several times every day.  I think it is because of the show.

And I don’t know, but today at lunch Abigail and I had an amazing conversation.  We talked about relationships, love, and purity.  She is striving to become a woman of God.  I can see her desire and it is so attractive.  She is unlike the other girls in her secret inner life.  She is unique and I adore her.

And so here I stand.

The closest person to me on the planet is covered in pain and sadness, but also in my love, at least the love I can give over the phone.  Beautiful strangers are smiling at me all the time.  Jessica’s company is a wonderful gift.  And Abigail grows and matures more and more each day.

I know nothing, save this one thing:

Love is everything.

February 18, 1997 – Tuesday – 1:10 p.m.

A year ago this time, my hand was in a cast and I was preparing for Bearclaw.  Now, my finger is crooked and I’m a year older.

The day is warm and beautiful.  There is not a cloud in the sky.  Now that the show is over, it’s hard to know what to look forward to.  Spring Break is in 2 1/2 weeks.  Then there is only seven weeks left of school.  I still don’t know what the summer holds.

For my senior year, I will simply focus on directing.  I’m looking forward to it.

Two of my classes were cancelled yesterday, so Sharon took me out to eat and we had the greatest talk in the world.  I love that woman so much.  She is my angel.