March 28, 1994 – Monday – 7:45 p.m.

It rained all day, but it was a great day nonetheless.

I’m listening to Petra right now!

There are 44 days of school left.  That’s not a lot at all.  April is almost here.  The Lord is preparing me for college.  I’ve been here too long.  I’ve grown too comfortable.  

Church is changing.  I’m not sure if I told you that or not.  It all starts April 10th.  Church will start at 10:30 a.m. on Sundays and there will be no more Sunday School.  Children’s Church is now called Faith Street and it starts at 10:30 a.m. as well.  I think I’ll help with Faith Street every other Sunday, doing puppets and skits and stuff.

Youth Group will start at 5:00 p.m. on Saturdays and it will be more of a fellowship gathering and less preaching.  All of this is supposed to help the church grow.  I like it.

It’s funny how the church is growing and changing right when I’m getting ready to leave.  I told my mom that last night.  Her reply shocked me.  She said, “Well Jacob, you had to be there to keep certain things together during the bad times.”

It made me think.

What would this church be like if I hadn’t been going there for the past six years?  Did I affect it that much?

I’ll probably never know.  And I don’t need to know.  The Lord will take care of me.  I came to this church right after the church got a youth pastor after not having one for a year.  I’ve been here from the beginning.  So had Christi’s family, but they are gone now.

I’m going to bed early tonight.  I have two tests tomorrow, but I’ll study for them tomorrow.  Right now I’m going to sleep in the wonderful peace of Jesus.


March 27, 1994 – Sunday – 11:15 p.m.

Yesterday we went to the park after singing practice.  We being myself, Marcua, Cheryl, Megan, and Anne.  She is down for her spring break.  We also went to see Mrs. Doubtfire.

Youth group went well.  I miss taking Jenna and Tenielle back on Saturday nights.

Today I went home after church; I didn’t go anywhere.  I borrowed Andy’s Roller Blades; Hank said I could keep them for a week or so.  Cool!

Tonight at church Tenielle was sitting behind me and after church she came up to me and said, “Jenna is beautiful” in one of those ways.  While we were standing up and praying and singing she opened my journal and read two pages of it.  I think she read January 12, 1994, but I’m not exactly sure.  She said she was sorry.

I was upset, but I didn’t mind her reading it I just felt like she robbed me of something uncaringly.  She at least could have asked and meant it.  It really hurt.  I really don’t care about what she read; it was nothing big, but it was just the fact that I trusted her and I thought she was better than that.  I thought she had more respect for me than that.

But I can see I was a little wrong.  She told me that Jenna told her to read it and that hurt me more than anything.  Jenna is constantly picking on me and laughing at me.  It doesn’t really get to me because…well…you know.  I see now that they don’t see me the way I see them.

Kevin was down from college for the weekend and Mom and I took him back tonight.  On the way back we had a good talk about me going off to college soon.  She asked me what my greatest fear was about leaving.  I told her I have one, but that I felt uncomfortable telling her, so I didn’t.

I’m not going to write it in here either, because you never know who might steal my journal while I worshiping Jesus in church and read it.  Ha ha.

March 25, 1994 – Friday – 4:30 p.m.

I’ve got to get ready to go to work pretty soon.  It’s finally Friday.

There are 45 days of school left; 3/4 of my senior year has come and gone.

I feel so good right now!!

I can’t put my finger on it but something is going to happen these next five months.  Something Big!  VERY BIG!!!

Spring Break is in a week.  I hope to take Jenna and Tenielle up to Pilot Mountain and I also want to try and see Schindler’s List.  Since there isn’t a movie theater in my town, or in my county for that matter, it is easier said than done.

I’ll be working on my research paper this next week.  I’ll be busy.

I can’t wait until the next Christian Skate Night.  I’m going to borrow Andy’s Roller Blades.

I find those a little easier than the regular skates.  I’m sure my tail bone will thank me.

March 24, 1994 – Thursday – 10:30 p.m.

Grandma and Grandpa are here for the night.  They’re on their way to Florida; just for the heck of it.  They’re retired so they do what they want.  Grandpa and I had a good talk about making a living.  Wisdom must come with age.

The weather is getting so warm; I love it so much.  I watched a movie on TV tonight about a woman with cancer.  It made me think of Mrs. Nance.  Bless her family Lord.

There are 46 days of school left; then the summer.  This may be the last summer I will have here.

So I will dare to be happy and make the most of it.  Nothing will stop me from having a great time.  I will not waste a second of it either.

Please Lord, let me be active, very active.  All of this is just too precious.

March 23, 1994 – Wednesday – 10:35 p.m.

Jenna called me yesterday.  She had to ask me a simple question about some tape.  We talked about our day and other funny things that happened.  At the end of the conversation she said, “Hey, remind me to give you a hug tomorrow.”

I said I would and we hung up.

Jonathan drove Marcus and I to church.  Scott wasn’t there, he hasn’t talked to Cheryl or anyone yet about all that happened.

I sat next to Jenna after I sung, but while I was on stage singing with the other backup singers, a spider dropped down onto my neck from the ceiling.  It scared me to death.  I knocked it off and stomped on it.

Jenna and I are getting back to normal; that distance is not as wide.

After church we were outside on the grass and she was getting ready to leave, I wanted to hug her but I didn’t.  Although it’s only a simple hug, it’s still too soon.

Tenielle looked beautiful tonight and I told her.  She’s my buddy.

If I ever get a picture of them, I’m sure I’ll cherish it always.  

Such beautiful girls.


March 22, 1994 – Tuesday – 12:31 a.m.

The Oscars just went off.  Steven Spielberg’s two movies, Jurassic Park and Schindler’s List, together were nominated for 15 awards.  Ten of those 15 went to his movies.

And tonight Whoopi Goldberg said, “And to the kid sitting at home saying, ‘One day one of those is going to be mine.’ Well, you got it!”

Thanks Whoopi.

March 20, 1994 – Sunday – 9:19 p.m.

Why God, why?!  I guess it’s just one of those things.

Friday I worked and watched the two kids.  The youth explosion was Saturday afternoon.  We met early to go through the skits a few times.  A lot of people showed up.  The skits went great.  It was a total blast; a time I will always cherish.  About five people got delivered from demons and I was so proud of Tenielle.  She went from one person to the next, praying for each one.  She has come a long way since that letter she wrote to Shane.

That’s my girl!  Tenielle, if you ever read this I want you to know that you are a great and mighty, beautiful, woman of God.

Jonathan dropped me off at the kids house last night.  I had to watch them again.  Marcus stayed to help clean up and he came home with Scott.

Now you know about all that junk that deals with Scott and Cheryl and Marcus, and I guess me since everyone has told me everything.

Well…dadgumit, there is just so much of the junk and I’ve had to explain all that I know to both Scott and Marcus at different times in the past 24 hours.  I’m sick of the whole situation.  I’m not going to tell you about it, because I feel like it would kill me if I had to explain it all again.

But Scott knows all and Marcus knows all.  Scott was in the wrong again and he must apologize.  Today I went to his house and this is all we talked about.  Hopefully it will blow over soon.

Jenna and Tenielle’s mom came to church this morning and tonight.  I talked to them both today, everything’s going great.  I’m seeing something in Tenielle that I knew would happen someday, but not so soon.  This 12-year-old girl loves to witness and minister.  I’ve never seen anything like it.

Jenna is still her sweet self, but the distance is still there.

Tonight the two of them were joking with me in church.  They kept silently saying something; I was supposed to read their lips.  It looked like they were saying “I love you,” but they were actually saying “Elephant Shoe.”  Look in a mirror and silently say that.  Pretty funny.

Scott and I went to the library to rent a movie.  We rented Amadeus, you know that Mozart movie.  There were three absolutely gorgeous girls there at the library.  One was so amazing.  I haven’t seen a girl that beautiful in a long long long time.  Dang!  It about knocked me down.

This morning Pastor Steve wanted us to do the Mask Skit.  We did.  Surprisingly, Amy and her mom showed up in church this morning. Amy used to be the lead girl in the Mask Skit.  Megan is now.  I wonder if it affected Amy in any way.

Things are continuing to change.  Some for the better, some for the worse.  But it doesn’t matter, because things are changing.  In the midst of it though, there are a few people who are leaning on me.  Yet I see no one I can lean on.

I need a fresh new person; someone I can trust with my life.  Someone who will stand up and be strong.

But instead I will go to bed and let this weekend only survive in my memory and my Book of Days.

I got a letter from my dad yesterday.  He misses me.  I was supposed to call him, but I forgot.  My dad knows nothing about how my life goes.  I guess that’s why I enjoy our conversations.  He doesn’t ask questions I don’t want to answer.

Well, there it is, I suppose I’ll go to bed now.  Oceans still move.  Waves still crash.  Where is that someone?  This life won’t stop to let me breathe.  I taste the tears of my eyes.  Some good tears.  Some bad.

Jesus, you are all that I need.  And you’re all that I have.  Give me rest tonight.  Let me sleep.  Let my friends sleep in your peace.

I love you Jesus.

March 17, 1994 – Thursday – 10:50 p.m.

Considering I only got three hours of sleep last night, I’m really tired.

So, let me continue with last night.  Jenna was at church.  Tenielle wasn’t.  Jonathan was there and he flirted with Jenna.  It didn’t really bother me, because well, it’s hard to explain.

Something has happened between the two of us.  We’re still good friends, we still joke around.  We still throw each other these looks and lines, but in those looks there is a distance.  A distance greater than there was before.


I don’t know.

I suppose it is because we both know how we used to feel and how we feel now.

Tonight we had skit practice because we will perform at the youth explosion Saturday.  The whole youth group showed up since we needed everyone.  Jenna and Tenielle were there.  And tonight Jenna looked at me in one of the ways that she does, and she asked me a question, “Jacob, am I your friend?”  I nodded and said, “Yes, you are.”  She nodded and smiled back.

And in that we both knew that what used to be had changed and we are only good friends.  Which is more than I could have asked for.  There is a distance in our eyes now.  So, we are not meant to be.

Pastor Steve handed the skits over to me again.  We did the Mask Skit and the Abortion Skit.  Those are the ones we’re going to do on Saturday.  It was fun directing.  Jonathan kept calling me Jacob Spielberg.

Afterwards, Kevin, Scott, Jonathan and I went to Taco Bell and did crazy things.  Marcus had a track meet.  We had a blast.  I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much in one day.

It is the middle of March now.

Spring is here.

Winter is over.

In the winter of ’92-’93 I went through some complex times with Veronica.  Then spring came and so did Ryan.  My infatuation with her lasted through the spring and the summer and into the fall.  Throughout those seasons, Christi popped up every now and then.

She still does.

Then things changed.

Something happened.

The people who made my life so great went away.  Jason, Anne, Christi, Ryan, and so on.  They weren’t around as much.

The cold winter came and I was without them.  The winter.

But in that winter, I found two roses who kept my heart warm.

All the other flowers had faded.

My grasp on those two roses has loosened, but they’re encouragement is still greatly appreciated.

All they have to do is smile.

But now in the spring of 1994, there is no special flower to which a great portion of my attention goes.  They say flowers grow in the spring.  We will have to see.

In a way, I wish a new flower would grow.  One which I’ve never seen or known before.  But…we all know those kind only grow in the summer.

March 17, 1994 – Thursday – 2:41 a.m.

Marcus is over here.  He’s typing his research paper due tomorrow.

Today (Wednesday) was awesome.  It’s real early Thursday morning, but to me it is still Wednesday.  It was awesome in a different way.

Jonathan and I went to Sanford.  He had to take care of something before church.  We had some spare time so we borrowed Andy’s Roller Blades and went rollerblading at Kiwanis Park.  Then we went to Taco Bell and Jonathan dared me to go in with the Roller Blades still on.  I did.  Everyone was staring.

Then on our way to take them back, I got out on the road and held onto the open door while Jonathan drove a few blocks.  It was pretty exciting.  Something else happened, but I’ll tell you about that later.

It’s late/early and I’m tired.

March 13, 1994 – Sunday – 10:30 p.m.

A year and three months ago today, I began going with Veronica.  A year ago today it snowed and Jenna turned 13.  Ten months ago today, I broke up with Veronica.  Earlier today Veronica’s family came back to church and Jenna turned 14.

So, it’s Jenna’s birthday and Veronica came back to church.  It was good to see her and her family.

I talked to Jenna and Tenielle some this morning.  I wish I could see them every day.  We went to McDonald’s tonight after church.

Today was good.

Wednesday will be great.

Thursday will be great.

This weekend will be great.

Everything will be great!  I will make it great!