May 28, 1995 – Sunday – 11:55 p.m.

It has been a wonderful day!

The fellowship was cancelled due to rain, so I just came home after church this morning.  Jenna and Tenielle were there as always and they were wonderful.  It is so good to be here with them.  I am watching them grow up!

Jonathan and I went to High Falls, to go to the youth group there.  Lisa showed up, but holy cow, she got married!  Her husband wasn’t with her though.  We talked about the people we graduated with and what they were doing.  We’ve all gone our separate ways.  Thank you Jesus!

It was good to see the old gang.  We had a great talk and I can’t wait to attend Fishnet with them.  It will be wonderful!

We left early so that we could be at church on time.  Jonathan and I had a good time driving this evening.  He is a great friend.

Church tonight was awesome!  Shurby preached.  He prayed for Jonathan and Jonathan got set free, again!  I prayed in the spirit so hard behind him.  Then I began to cry and I couldn’t stop.

Jonathan.  Such a precious life.  Help me help him Lord.

After the evening service, he and I went to Christi’s house.  She was home with her dad.  The four of us had the greatest time.  She had the skit group video.  We watched it.  It was so beautiful.

Christi; she always seems to pop up and then that weird feeling returns.  Thank you Lord for this little mystery.

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May 27, 1995 – Saturday – 5:46 p.m.

May is coming to a close.

I went to work this morning.  They put me in the back drive-thru.  The only thing you do back there is take money and orders.  It’s very easy and you don’t have to put up with the attitudes of the other workers.  I even had time to pray while I was back there.

At the moment, the only people here at the house are Nate and I.  Everyone has gone some place.

I will make it through this summer, but I can’t do this again next summer.

I got a letter from the Lees-McRae Performing Arts Department yesterday.  It said that I got $1,000 for a talent scholarship next year, as well as a $75 fee waiver, and $400 for being the videographer.  I was so excited to hear they gave me the videographer position.  That is a total of $1,475 and that’s just from the Performing Arts Department.

I’m coming up with a plan.  I think my last day of work is going to be the 29th of July and around the beginning of August I want to try to see Emily in Florida.  I want to go alone if possible; this is just something I need to do by myself.

It is worth it to work 45 hours a week just for the moment in which I get to hold Emily.

This might not be much of a summer at the moment, but if all goes as planned it might turn into the greatest summer yet!!

May 26, 1995 – Friday – 10:45 p.m.

Work has been rough these past two days.  But on Thursday Mike and I were able to get away and go see Braveheart!  And tonight Danny and Peter and I went to see Johnny Mnemonic.  

Braveheart was wonderful!  “Every man dies, not every man really lives.”

AMAZING!!

Johnny Mnemonic was just plain stupid.

There is a church fellowship Sunday.  I’m looking forward to it.

Time to sleep.  Hopefully I won’t dream about Scots with blue faces crushing my brains.

Bring me peace Lord!

May 24, 1995 – Wednesday – 11:11 p.m.

I worked this morning.

I act very crazy at McDonald’s.  I do it on purpose simply to make time go by faster.  But it ends up that I’m having so much fun that I don’t really want to leave and come home.

I learned so much at church tonight.  Pastor Steve is so wonderful.  I’m doing all of this for my sweet Lord!  Everything that this land has given me is fading away.  I sense this world passing by and a new world being born in Banner Elk.  Cheryl seems upset with me.  Even Jenna and Tenielle seem a little distant.  Even though I’m home for the summer, maybe they know I am already gone for good.

I have no one but my Lord.  I give my heart out, but they give it back.  But perhaps that is wise of them, but there is no one here to give it to now.  There is Emily in Florida to give my heart to, and everytime I do I feel it overflowing with the loving power of the Lord!

Set me free Father!

Let me live in the shadow of your wing!

I just want to spend this summer learning more about you!

May 22, 1995 – Monday – 8:35 p.m.

Some things have happened.  Let’s begin with Friday:

Jonathan came home from work.  It was Friday night and neither one of us wanted to stay home.  We drove to Sanford hoping to find someone to hang out with.  First we went to Christi’s, but only her mom was home.  No one was home at Ryan and Amy’s house so we went to Cheryl’s.  She was home.  Her and Adrienne were going to do something, so we tagged along.  We went to Cary, near Raleigh and ate out at the mall and walked around.  I joked around a little bit and it seemed to upset Cheryl.  She is not the same Cheryl.  Perhaps I am not the same Jacob, either.  But I very much feel like me.

I bought a tape on my Discover card and we came home.  Jonathan saw an old gas sign by the dumpster and we went and picked it up.  He and I had more fun unscrewing that sign from it’s post so we could fit it into his car than we did walking around a strange mall with Cheryl and Adrienne.

I worked Saturday morning.  That night, Kevin and A.D. and I went to see a movie in Asheboro.  We saw Die Hard with a Vengeance.  It was pretty funny and full of action, but I hate all of that cussing.

Church was wonderful on Sunday.  It was great to hear Pastor Steve preach.  After church, Jonathan and I went to a girl’s house named Faith.  Mandy and Dana met us there.  We all decided to go to Jordan Lake.  I know while we were at the beach, I thought Mandy was ugly, but seeing her yesterday, well, she seemed quite attractive.  I guess I do see what Jonathan sees in her.  They appear to be doing great!

We picked up Faith’s boyfriend Chris on our way to the lake.  Overall it was a good time and it’s good to know that those girls will be around to hang out more often.  Thank you for them Lord.

Jonathan met Mandy at Myrtle Beach in October of ’94.  Dana is single like me.  We get along okay.  They showed us the pictures from the beach; they looked great!

Jonathan and I returned in time to go to church that night.  I went into the youth group just to see the old gang, but it isn’t the same group of people anymore.  I wonder if there is anything more fleeting than a church youth group.

And today, Monday, I went to work.  I had a great time.  Mike was there and we joked around the whole time.  Time flew by, and it’s great to know that I get paid to have fun.  Thank you Lord for my job.

And I came home to find a letter in the mailbox from Emily.  It was short and sweet.  She gave me a little heart to put into my wallet to remind me that someone loves me.  I’m sure that someone is her.

Mike came over and he and I plus Jonathan and Nate played water guns outside.

Big kids.  That’s all we are.

I wish I could see Emily.

I wish I could hold her.

I wish.

May 19, 1995 – Friday – 4:35 p.m.

I’ve worked hard today.  I’m tired.

For the past two days I have run the drive-thru at McDonald’s.  People come to the window.  Some smile at me.  Some do not. Some say ‘thank you.’  Some don’t say a word.  They come, stop for a little while and to be next to me, and then they leave and move on.  Some are grateful, but some do not even notice I am there.

How sad it is to see the similarities between fast food drive-thru service and life.

To them, I am not the Jacob that Emily loves.  To them I am not the Jacob who impressed the entire performing arts faculty at Lees-McRae.  To them, I am no one.  I am their servant.

But while at Lees-McRae, to everyone I served while working in the post office, I felt like they knew me, they valued me, they appreciated me.  To them I was the true Jacob.

Things are different around here.

I want something exciting to happen.

I want to truly love somebody.

I want this summer to contain more than just 45 hours a week at McDonald’s.

Please Lord, let something happen.

May 17, 1995 – Wednesday – 3:45 p.m.

Sunday night my grandparents on my mom’s side were here.  I do love my Grandpa!  Earlier that day, my dad was here as well. He was dropping Kevin off and it was good to see him.

That night I called my wonderful friend Emily.  I hadn’t talked to her in a while.  We couldn’t stop; we talked from about 11:30 p.m. to 2:30 a.m.  I told her I loved her right before we said goodbye.

She said, “I love you, too.”

But it is a friendly love.  We are simply two red lights lucky enough to have found another like ourselves.  We may be in different worlds, but we see things the same way.

I worked Monday morning.  I work everyday from 6:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. except for Sunday and Tuesday.  I had yesterday off.

It felt weird to be back working at McDonald’s.  It seems like nothing has changed.  But then again, it feels like everything has changed.

Monday night, Jonathan and Mike and I played water guns outside in the dark.  I got soaked, but enjoyed it greatly.

Tuesday, yesterday, we went to Sanford to pick up Jonathan’s check and go to Wal-Mart.  I haven’t seen Christi or any of her family.  Nor have I seen Scott.  I don’t even know where he is.

The summer is flying by.  But I’ve realized that this happens to everybody.

Everyone loves.

Everyone loses.

Everyone says hi.

And everyone says goodbye.

Maybe I’m just one of the few people to wonder why and to sit down on a Wednesday afternoon and reflect upon it all with pen and paper.  Do others do what I am doing?  Do others take stock?  Do others ask questions that are impossible to answer?