July 30, 1996 – Tuesday – 11:15 p.m.

Yesterday was peaceful.

Today was relaxing.

This evening I went to the forum program here on campus to hear the Junaluska Singers.  They were beautiful in sight and sound.  They even sang songs from Les Miz.

Only one day left in July.

Then it will fade away.

I love God.

I love Jesus.

We’ve gone on walks together the past three nights.  Life is great because Jesus lives in my heart.  I am forgiven.  I am free.

I will simply live life for God and look forward to heaven.

I’m sure a small part of heaven is already here with me now.


July 28, 1996 – Sunday – 11:40 p.m.

A great day.

A great weekend.

We didn’t go to Deep Creek.  We stayed in the area and just took it easy.  It was great to see Vince.  He is so funny and wonderful.  We played Tennis and did some shopping.  I bought the new Rebecca St. James tape.  That music has rekindled my faith in God.  I am such a sinner.  Yet he died for me.  And he forgives me and simply says, “Go and sin no more.”

Myself, Curtis, Vince, Allen, Ellen, Marjorie, Erin, and a girl named Amber went out to eat at the Emporium Saturday night.  They did some weird little trick that one of their campers taught them about how to use only two fingers to make the table float.  It really worked and was really freaky, so much so that we stopped doing it.

Church was powerful this morning.  And this evening I took a walk to talk to God.

I’m not worthy of his love.  But he still gives it to me.  God knows me deeper than anyone.  I want to long for him like a deep hunger or thirst.  He is love.  The greatest of love.  And I give my life to him.

I give my life to you God.  I am yours.

July 26, 1996 – Friday – 7:45 p.m.

After my entry earlier today I went to help Craig load some blankets into a van.  I came back to my room and played Nintendo.  While playing I received a phone call.


“Jacob, hi!”

It was her.

She didn’t call for tickets.  She called to say hi and to talk.  She was getting ready to go to work at The Farm House.  I asked her for her number.  She gave it to me.  She asked me to call her later in a couple of days and we would try to get together.

I need a female friend.

I want it to be her.

July 26, 1996 – Friday – 1:30 p.m.

The box office was really slow yesterday.  Curtis and I became really bored that evening.  I went to hang out with Rachel Anne.  She told me about some guy she met.  Later in the evening, Curtis and I went to Macado’s in Boone to eat.  We met two girls there.  One is a skier for Lees-McRae and the other will be here in the Fall.  She is majoring in Theater.  Curtis knew the skier.  They ate with us and we all had a blast.

This morning I borrowed Sherry’s Bronco to get my license renewed.

I took the afternoon off from the box office.  I don’t get paid by the hour anyway.

Curtis and I aren’t going to Atlanta.  He realized he doesn’t have enough money.  Vince gets off tonight.  We’ve thought about spending tomorrow at Deep Creek, but we aren’t sure yet.

I’m looking forward to the Fall, simply because I know I’ll be busier.

Life is passing.

I still have the same body.

My spirit, the real me, longs to be free from this flesh.

I dream of heaven.


July 25, 1996 – Thursday – 1:35 a.m.

Wednesday has been fun.  I took a walk early this morning to pray and I took a picture of a spider web glistening in the morning sun.  We discussed an interesting topic in Psychology and the box office was slow today, but I enjoyed my peaceful solitude.

The youth group went to the beach this week, so there wasn’t a big crowd at church.  We discussed Proverbs 8 and I made some comments.  I heard an older gentleman behind me say, “Yeah, I agree with Jacob.”  That was good to hear.

Kate is staying at Charlie’s house while he is away at the beach.  Allen and Curtis and I hung out there and watched the Olympics.  We left and got back here around 10:30 p.m.  Curtis and I were hungry, so we went to Mel’s Diner with Melissa, Ivy, and Kenny.  We had a good time and laughed a lot.  I bought my next Book of Days notebook.

Almost 10 books.

Almost 20-years-old.

I’m alive.

This is the only time I will be on God’s green earth.

So, I’m writing it down, just in case someone down the line would like to read my small, small story.


July 23, 1996 – Tuesday – 11:15 p.m.

Another day has passed.  In a week’s time July will nearly be over.

I went to the movies tonight.  We saw Phenomenon.  A good story with nice acting by John Travolta.  It seems a lot of movies these days are trying to find the meaning or secret to life.  They’re almost trying too hard.

I long for it to get colder.  I like the time of year between Autumn and Winter; especially in this area.

I’ve been thinking.  I really just want to love somebody, to give them what I so much long for.  Father, please send me a special friend for this next year.

Be with me Lord.

Hold me.

You are all I will every really have.


July 21, 1996 – Sunday – 11:05 p.m.

It is July.  A month of freedom and warmth.  A time for sunshine and running barefoot in the grass.  And like every month it seems, a time to see a girl and feel as though every microscopic fiber of your being had been struck by lightning.

The sun came up today, but I didn’t see it rise.  I slept in a little late.  Warm water that soon turned cold showered down my body and I became much more awake.  Today was the final day of VBS.  All the skits I taught the children during the past week were performed this morning at church.  They all did a great job.

Sharon came up to me afterwards and said, “It is so great to have you at this church Jacob.  Watching these skits made me realize how much God has blessed us and how hard it is going to be to let you go in a couple of years.”  She hugged me.

Lunchtime was awesome.  Allen and Curtis and I filled the cafeteria with laughter.  Allen and I ushered and then watched the first act of The Fantasticks.

Dinner came and then another performance.

And as I stood in the lobby, I continued to look out the window to see if she was there.

And then she was and a tingle went through my spine.

She smiled.

I smiled.

We talked.

She hugged me.

Nearly a month since that sparkling grape drink.

After the show and our goodbye, I went to make a round through Canon Cottage and I stopped to visit Rachel Anne.  I invited her to church.  Perhaps she’ll come.  She offered to give me a massage.  She’s very good at it.

She knows of my birthday in August.  She said she wants to take me dancing.

And so anther day passes.

Another show ends tomorrow.

Three weeks left of Psychology.

And I’m haunted by what Sharon said today.  It will be time for me to leave soon.  But this has all happened too fast.  I’ve only just begun.  How can my time here already be half over?

The stars twinkle

The moon grows bright

I am alone

Here in the night

The clouds hover

The sun grows bright

I am alive

My soul is white

July 20, 1996 – Saturday – 9:40 a.m.

I taped the show Thursday night; it was really good.  I’m on duty this whole weekend.  Yesterday I slept in pretty late, then got up to watch Babe before lunch.

I watched The Fantasticks last night as well.  Rachel Anne came in late.  I was sitting in the back and she came in and sat next to me.  Such a beautiful girl.

Vince came over last night.  They went to Charlie’s and Taco Bell, but I stayed here on duty.

Three years ago to this day, I was losing sleep over Christi, yet still thinking about Ryan.

Two years ago, Kevin hydroplaned and we hit a sign.  We pushed the car out of the mud.  Our household was at odds and I longed to be free.

And just one year ago, I spent every second of every day thinking about Emily.  I miss her so much.  If anyone is the other side of me, it is her.

My story cannot be told without mentioning her.

We met three years ago in June.  She was 14, but I thought she was 18.  Now she is 17.

She represents the mystery in my life.

She is my Angel.

She is a beautiful girl far far away from here who knows me better than anyone.

July 18, 1996 – Thursday – 12:15 p.m.

Katerina, a Performing Arts student who graduated in May, and who directed me in Bearclaw, came by work yesterday and invited me over for dinner at her apartment.  I told her I would walk over when I got back from Vacation Bible School.

VBS was really fun, I love serving the Lord so much.  I wish it didn’t end so soon.

Allen took Katerina’s invitation wrong and bragged about how I had a date.  Laura heard him talking about it and even offered to drive me back to school so I wouldn’t be late.  We talked on our way back.  She is simply the greatest.  She asked about Katerina and I told her it was simply a friendship.

When I got over to Katerina’s, we ate, listened to the Braveheart soundtrack, and talked about the Lord.  She is a nice girl, but I don’t like her romantically.

I woke up early this morning to study for Psychology.  I did really well on the test this morning.  I came back to my room around 11:00 a.m.  I could tell by the ring it was an off-campus call.  I answered and it was her.  She had called, just like she said she would.

We talked for thirty minutes.  We talked about random things, but then I started talking about church.  After she realized I was a Christian, she apologized for using such bad language earlier in our conversation.

She is going to be in room 200 on the second floor of Tate around the 20th of August.  And then I remembered…Tate 200, that was Syndi’s old room.  I told her that I had spent a lot of time in that room.  She asked what I meant, and I told her about Syndi, but I didn’t go into detail, about how Syndi would invite me over after she was already her your beautiful pajamas and ask me to hold her as she fell asleep.

Hopefully we will become good friends.  She is coming to the show Sunday night.

Father, I pray she finds you during the next year.

July 16, 1996 – Tuesday – 8:50 a.m.

Vacation Bible School is so much fun!  I feel so at home when I’m directing.  Last night I was in two separate skits and I directed three.  Thank you Father.

I met Laura’s boyfriend.  He seems like a yuppie, but he’s a good looking gentleman and seems nice.  I hope she is happy.

VBS end on Wednesday.  I have a Psychology test on Thursday.  The Fantasticks opens that night.  I will usher and video.

I think Curtis and I are going to drive down to Atlanta on the next weekend.  Just to visit Carla and see the big deal about the Olympics.  My summer class ends on August 8th.  Crazy for You opens then.  It ends on the 12th and then RA training begins.  The Fall semester begins on the 21st.  And hopefully around the end of August and beginning of September, we will go to Deep Creek.

Life is good.