April 30, 2001 – Monday – 3:50 p.m.

It is the last day of April. All the trees are full of green. I forgot how beautiful that was.

Tomorrow begins a month of complete and total change. Part of me will die. Part of me will be reborn.

The last half of this month contained some highs and lows. The weekend in Banner Elk with Anna was delightful. Everyone really seemed to enjoy her! On the other side, things have really turned sour at Forefront, and I am ready and eager to no longer work there. Anna and I feel spiritually dried up, for each sermon seems to focus more about being a cool and hip message on simply needing God. We just need something deeper.

I am applying for Resident Director jobs all over the country since I have some experience in that area. I pray something happens soon. I just want to run away with Anna and start over again in a brand new place.

I’ve been here for three very long years.

I was in Banner Elk for four extremely short years.

February 15, 2001 – Thursday – 6:15 p.m.

It’s already mid-February. Can the second month of the year already be half over?

In 100 days I will marry the love of my life. The more I say that number, the more I realize it is a very short amount of time.

My heart has been burdened recently. I was asked to put together a little drama for church, but, once I finalized the script, much confusion set in. I work in a world that exists somewhere between the church and entertainment, between the sacred and the secular. I feel as if sometimes art has to prostitute itself out to the church in order for the church to make its points. It weakens both the art and the message. I feel I’m stuck in the middle, often questioning where I stand.

God, I often wonder why you called me to this field. There’s no security in this profession. I’ve seen the vicious circle of it all, the constant chasing after, the constant self-promotion, the constant selling, but I want none of that. I just want to tell the stories you’ve placed in me. Do I have to sell them God? Couldn’t I just make them for the two of us to enjoy together? Why does money have to be an issue?

There has to be a better way.

Please show it to me God.

February 12, 2001 – Monday – 7:00 p.m.

I’m sitting in my new home. I do not live here fully yet, but my heart is here. Ann and I will live in this studio apartment in early June after we return from our honeymoon. I wonder how long we’ll stay.

My brother Nate turns 16 today. How crazy! I was only 8-years-old when he was born.

My family has gone through a lot recently. I don’t think I’ve written about it at all. Henry went through some sort of mental illness spell, but he is beginning to come around. Mom called me on her new cell phone tonight. Nate got on the call and said that she got so into reading the instructions about it that she forgot she was running a bath and ended up flooding the bathroom.

My small group had a fantastic time swing dancing the other night. I enjoy them so much. I’m glad Anna and I go there together; our love has become worship to God. All we seem to do is praise Him for what he placed in the other that we’ll benefit from. I am amazed every day.

I’ve never known a love like this. All this time, through all these journals, from Veronica to Marie, it was Anna all along.

I feel stupid.

I feel human.

But I am forgiven, and I am loved.

So much time has passed since I began these journals. I tried to seek after God, I tried to find a good woman, and I tried to become a filmmaker. I also tried to be a good friend and neighbor to all those around me. Overall, I think I did okay. I just showed up and let God do His thing. I’ve traveled everywhere from California to South Africa, and this whole time my future wife was in Florida.

In the end, all these journals told the story of how God brought me to Anna.

December 21, 2000 – Thursday – 10:19 a.m.

And so it is tomorrow again.

Anna and I stayed up until four in the morning, just talking. We are so great together, and she will meet my mom on Saturday morning. Mom is driving up to grandma’s as I write.

Anna has one year of school remaining before she’s done with her Master’s. God, please let us know what you have planned for us for afterwards.

This is the life I live now. All time seems to run together. I have no regular schedule; I just try to be as close to Anna as possible. It is the cold weather that brings our hearts together, or just our Lord and Savior?

Each week, in between seeing Anna, I seem to pull together all the video work I need to do for church. After she meets my mom this weekend, I’ll meet her mom the following weekend. We are planning our lives together.

Thank you Lord.

December 16, 2000 – Saturday – 11:05 a.m.

Ten days have passed. What has happened in 10 days?

I live a beautiful life with my Jesus. Anna and I see each other every day. We stay up late, for it is difficult to say goodbye. If we have an hour of free time, we find a way to see each other.

Work at Forefront is going well, but I must ask for more money soon; I’m simply going broke. I have received additional editing and production work: a missions video for Laos and a evangelistic video. Both are paying decently well.

Once February arrives I’ll need to start earning $400 a week to be able to make my student-loan payment. I might have to get a second job.

In one week Anna will return to Florida for Christmas. She is so lovely. I visited her this morning just so I could watch her get ready for work.

I have an audition today as well as three videos I must complete before tomorrow.

I love you Lord. Thank you for this full life!

December 4, 2000 – Monday – 4:00 p.m.

The events of the past weekend were extraordinary.

During the month of November, Anna and I were able to see a few movies together and go out to eat a bit. She also started coming to church and to my small group with me.

This past Tuesday we went to see Requiem for a Dream, then we took a walk along the cobblestone streets of Ghent in Norfolk. Thursday, after our small group, we tried to go see the Christmas lights at the beach, but we ended up just driving around since we arrived after it closed. That night I found myself serenading her with The Little Mermaid’s “Part of your World” in the lobby of a huge women’s restroom on campus. The acoustics were fantastic!

Saturday, after I went bowling with my Wednesday night group, I picked Anna up and we went to see The Grinch. Then we bought some hot cocoa and ended up under a blanket on wooden lookout in the Mackie Island National Wildlife Refuge across the state line in North Carolina. We just sat there and snuggled for hours until a police officer came and nearly arrested us for trespassing. That night ended with us barely being able to let go of each other at her apartment door.

Yesterday, Sunday, I went over to her apartment, and we just snuggled, and talked, and kissed, and adored each other for five straight hours.

We don’t know how this happened, but it did. I stand completely in awe. I’m amazed at the way she sees me, the way she holds me, the way she touches me. There is hardly anything to say, hardly anything to write, for we simply are. I can’t explain it. I met her nearly a year ago when she first arrived. She’s been walking around Regent this entire time, but we just now found each other.

“Spill-tained pages of poetic prophecy

tickle my interest and taunt at my fantasy

gentle new lover, favorite friend

with hidden desire that bothers my

conscience again.”

So here I am. Snow fell on warm hearts last night. The frozen morning melted away but our hearts and lips are still intact. Frozen forever by winter. Forever captured in sight.

November 11, 2000 – Saturday – 11:00 a.m.

Tuesday was a rough day, but I was able to spend a bit of time with Anna in the evening. She has such a bright spirit. I adore being around her.

At the moment I am in a house on the beach at Sandbridge with my small group. So far it has been a lovely day.

Every Wednesday night I hang out with a group of late twenty somethings and early thirty somethings. I haven’t written much about them, but all of them are dear to my heart. Scott and Paige have three adorable kids. Aaron and Wendy have two children. Steve and Karen have none but desire a dozen. John and Eileen aren’t married yet, and they aren’t here this weekend either. Kevin and Krissy are engaged, then there is Brian, a single wrestling coach at Western Branch High School in Chesapeake, which is right next to where Acoustic Works used to be.

And then there is me. A 24-year-old graduate student who seems to live life like a vagabond. Kevin and I were talking last night and I asked him what I should do with my life.

He said, “I think you are the type of person that God doesn’t keep in one place. You should just let God take you all over the world and affect as many people as possible.” He said that I may move in and out of peoples’ lives and make them say, “Who was that guy?! Where he is now!”

A part of me found comfort and glory in that thought. Perhaps I am called to just wander God’s beautiful creation; to be in certain corners and around certain people, but only for a season.

I’m beginning to feel restless, like next summer will be my time to leave this place.

But who knows.

You know, I believe I have underestimated the beauty of the ocean. Anna grew up in Florida right next to the Atlantic Ocean, and she said she wants to always live right on top of one.

Football is on, and everyone but me is excitedly interested, which is why I’m off in another room writing in my journal. But now I shall go join the festivities.

And soon I’ll be in New Mexico.

November 6, 2000 – Monday – 3:30 p.m.

I’m in Suffolk, VA shooting on location with a small part because someone saw me in an improv skit at Forefront. I have a few minutes of down time.

This past Saturday was a wonderful day. There was a Virginia Tech game on and I went over to Scott and Paige’s house to watch it with our small group. I’m not really into football, but I enjoyed the snacks and company. They had shrimp, oysters, and some amazing dipping sauces. Their kids were great fun; I played with little Grant. One time, while holding him in my arms, I walked further into the backyard and turned around to watch the perfect scenes of an autumn cookout with playing children, loving friends, and cheering fans. Things I’m glad I’m allowed to observe even if I cannot have them for myself at the moment. God has always provided other homes, families, and backyards for me to take great delight in.

The rest of the month seems pretty loaded. I have this shoot this week, then we are making a Matrix parody for church. I’ll have another week of movie parodies for church, then I’m off to New Mexico.

I’m looking forward to this trip. I need to see new sky, a new land, and new eyes. I can’t wait!

October 29, 2000 – Sunday – 4:38 p.m.

Well, it’s been an interesting, wonderful, and tiring few days.

Wednesday through Saturday I worked on Kerstin’s portfolio project “Exchange.” Being on that set for the past two days were particularly wonderful because Anna and I talked with each other like little kids. Anna is a theater student from Florida who arrived last semester. She’s the first person I’ve met here who has the personality of the girls I enjoy the most, those who just relax and delight in being with you as though they were a child. She reminds me of my dear friends from Lees-McRae. She’s a cool little hippie chick! I invited her to Forefront this morning, and she showed up! What a wonderful girl!

After the baptism service at church tonight, I’m going to go to a Wig Party at Haley’s. I’m wearing an old man wig. So there is this evening, and then only two full days remain in October.

Only two more months of the year 2000.

I wonder what November will hold.

December.

2001.

October 20, 2000 – Friday – 6:07 p.m.

Much has happened. Rosie is in a box, stuck to a sticky mousetrap pad, in a garbage bag, in a garbage can, outside the Regent Village. She escaped while I was cleaning her cage and it took Dan and I two days to catch her through a horrible ordeal. I just couldn’t have a huge rat roaming free, so I eventually trapped her, and well, Rosie is gone. Still alive at the moment, but gone nevertheless. Those “humane” rat traps aren’t very humane at all.

Our first college age small group was last night and that cute girl I’ve been noticing showed up. Now I can’t get her out of my head. I contemplated calling her up and asking her to do something, but I’m pretty sure I’ll chicken out. Ugh!

The footage from The Accuser came back and it looks fantastic!

Okay God, to call or not to call…

Hmm.