October 18, 1997 – Saturday – 9:00 a.m.

Oh man, last night was amazing.

After lunch yesterday we all went kayaking.  Tracey and I were in the same kayak together.  Dolphins came to join us as we drifted over the water.  Pretty dang cool.

Then we had a polaroid scavenger hunt last night.  Our team got second place so we are now tied for first overall.

But during our worship service last night, Charlie preached to us on raising a standard and a banner on campus.  One person has to lead the way, but all must work together.  And for the longest time, while Charlie talked and others talked, I curled up in a fetal position and felt like I was going to throw up.  My heart pounded.  I could hear it.  It was so loud.  Forever passed and I finally spoke up and said something along the lines of:

“Um, I feel like I need to apologize to everyone.  I just now realized that I am the problem.  I only know how to a Christian by my self.  I love the big groups, but it’s hard for me and I need help.  It’s hard for me to trust you all.  It’s difficult for me to believe that you guys worship the same God I do, mainly because I think he’s all mine.  I need you guys to help me.  I can’t even look at you.  I’m sorry.”

Tears rolled down my face.  Rachel came and held me and Abigail put her hand on my knee.  After several tears, I held Abigail’s hand.  She leaned closer and I hugged her.

God did a healing inside me.

Something hard to explain.

Advertisements

October 17, 1997 – Friday – 12:02 p.m.

Yesterday was a pretty amazing day.  Everyone went to the beach in the morning and just hung out there and messed around.  This retreat is going to strengthen all of our relationships.  Abigail and I aren’t at odds anymore.  Any trace of that discomfort feels forever gone.

We had a sand castle building contest yesterday.  Our team got second place.  We built Calvary.  One team built an octopus, and another built a toilet complete with a turd (a little brown stick).

I also went on a peaceful bike ride yesterday.  This is a beautiful place.

We all played miniature golf last night.  The owner was a Christian and we sang for him.  Then we played Red Rover on the beach under a full moon.

Then, I went for a walk, alone, and sang this over and over again:

“You are my hope, and your promises never fail me

And my desire, is to follow you forever

For you are good, for you are good

For you are good to me.”

I was nearly in tears.  I cannot believe how good God is to me.

Charlie used me as an example last night in our worship service, “All we need to do is show up and make a stand.”

In a little over six months I will leave to show up somewhere else.  God has used me here, but he’s mainly used LMC and Banner Elk to prepare me for the next place.  This simple little story is nearing it’s final chapter.

But what I love more than my story, are the stories of my friends.  And most of them I’ve written down.

October 16, 1997 – Thursday – 8:00 a.m.

I’m on Hilton Head Island in South Carolina.  I can see the Ocean from the window of this room.  We arrived here last night.  I rode with Dan, Allen and Jessica.

Charlie, Vince, Curtis, Alex, Paul, Todd, Sherlive, Rachel, Tracey, Ellen, Ann-Marie, and Abigail are here as well.  This should be a delightful weekend.

My scene with Mason and Emily went so well yesterday.  Everyone loved it.  I’m so proud of them.  My lighting design looked so good.  Other student directors kept asking me, “how did you get to have lights for your scene.”  I just told them I did it on my own and they could have as well.

We went to the beach last night.  I walked alone for a while and thought about my God.  How awesome he is and how speechless he makes me.  The ocean was calm last night, but when I went down this morning, it was roaring.

Hmmm.

October 13, 1997 – Monday – 9:50 p.m.

Life is so wonderful that it bothers me.  Justin, Vince, Curtis, Ellen, Ann-Marie and myself  went to see Seven Years in Tibet last night.  Brad Pitt acted beautifully.

All of the guys went to the bathroom afterwards, then we ran out because some guy in the stall let out the loudest exploding fart.  We felt to bad for laughing at a stranger.  We talked and laughed about it the whole way home.

We started our rehearsals for Masks today.  It went really well and everyone seems excited.  I can’t wait!

Horsemanship class was awesome today.  It was our last class and I’m going to miss Bay Lady.  Brooke invited me over to her apartment anytime.  She was the one who drove me to class every day.  Perhaps I’ll go.

The Misanthrope rehearsals began tonight.  Alceste is a neat character.  After rehearsal, I took Mason and Emily out for dessert at The Corner Palate.  I have had the best time working with them.  Our scene goes up on Wednesday.

Also on Wednesday we leave for Hilton Head, SC.  It’s the whole Bible Study group!  All the guys, all the girls, it should be fun.

I think I’m going to spend Thanksgiving here so I can spend some time with Sharon and also Marisa; her family is coming up here for Thanksgiving.

Josh had to go to the hospital this morning for some odd reason.  I went to see him and held his hand while he got a shot in the butt.  Poor guy.  I love that little dude.

October 10, 1997 – Friday – 6:00 p.m.

Another Friday, but this Friday is different.  For the first time in five weeks, I’m spending the weekend at Lees-McRae.  I’ve traveled to TN, GA, NC, KY, and D.C. the past few weekends, and I’m happy to stay home.

I know, this is a really big pen, but it’s all I have.

Last night Charlie, Justin, Ashley, Alex, Ann-Marie, Meghann, Drew, and Allison went to Macado’s in Boone.  Allison talked the whole time.  She is so cute and funny.  She’s Sarah’s roommate.  Before we said our goodbyes she hugged me, then looked at me, and, to my surprise, ran her finger down my crooked chin.

Man, this is a really big pen.  I guess it’s really a marker.

Rehearsals for The Misanthrope start on Monday, as well as my “Masks” rehearsals.

Things will remain pretty busy for the remainder of the semester.

Graduation is exactly seven months from today.

I’ll be ready to go by then.

I know it.

October 7, 1997 – Tuesday – 7:00 p.m.

Hard to know what to think.

Or even what I’m thinking.

Nearly seven months left now.

Then a summer.

Then another life.

I try to stay alert, awake, and brave.  But when it comes down to it, I’m scared out of my mind.  I’m scared because around the winter of 1994 God used Shurby to speak an audible message to me: “You will do a great thing, not many will believe you, but don’t worry, all you have to do is show up, for you are not doing this great thing, I am.”

And that is what I’ve basically done these 3 1/2 years, I’ve just shown up.  I showed up at Lees-McRae and look what happened.  I didn’t try any harder than anyone else.  Many around me come to me with their problems.  People refer to me as their counselor.

My directing talents are being praised, but I just showed up to rehearsal like the rest of them.  Josh talked to me last night about how much of a leader I was; how much of a role model.

“The hand of God is on your life Jacob,” he said to me.

But I don’t get it.

I’m a sinner.  I fail all the time.  I judge people and I hurt people’s feelings.  I don’t pray any harder or worship any more and yet I intimidate other Christians.  They have said there is a God and Jacob connection that they don’t have.

Well I do…He’s my Savior!  He’s died for me for crying out loud.  And I’m scared to death cause the Creator of everything around me loves me and has his hand on my life.  This great thing, whatever it is, is actually coming true.  I’m not doing anything to deserve it.  And along with this life on earth, I get an eternal life too!  There’s so much grace around me, I simply don’t understand the level of mercy I see.

But God’s hand is on others too.  I know it because they are such a blessing to me.

So, I’m scared because I only have seven months to tell my friends how much I love them, and that simply isn’t enough time.

October 5, 1997 – Sunday – 9:00 p.m.

Stand In The Gap was amazing in D.C.; so many Christian men praying together.  I believe over half a million were there.

We went to the National Zoo this morning I and saw tons of bald eagles.  The trip was filled with so many moments of laughter I will never forget.  We just got back and the sky was full of so many beautiful colors as we drove through the mountains of VA, TN, and NC.  I am in awe of the perfection this place holds.

In about a week, I’ll spend my last Fall Break of LMC in South Carolina with my dear friends in South Carolina.  We are renting a house on Hilton Head Island.