January 17, 1998 – Saturday – 11:00 a.m.

Okay, never mind.  I wasn’t way off.

Yesterday, Friday the 16th, was a record-breaking day for five girls came to my room and talked to me about their romantic pursuits.

First was Geana.  We talked about sex because she and her boyfriend have sex.  She knows the Bible teaches against it, but she says with him it doesn’t feel like a sin.  She was in a car accident about five years ago where she suffered brain damage.  After that, she said her thinking changed and started doing things she would have never done before.  She seemed confused and admitted as much.  I told her that if the love was true, both would stop having sex, guard their hearts and bodies, and get married.  She seemed to see the logic in that.  She’s an interesting and weird girl.  After telling me all this stuff, she then took a nap on my sofa for an hour.

And while she was asleep, Sherlive called.  She called to talk to me about Vince for she is but another girl who is crazy about him.  I told her he was still confused about Laura and to just be his friend, but to also not be a stranger.

Then, Jessica came over and we talked about her and Allen.  They went on a midnight hike at the beginning of the semester and she now likes him and wanted to know if I knew how he felt about her.

The next girl was Emily, not my pen pal, but Emily from the theater department, who plays the prostitute I have the underwear scene with in Cuckoo’s Nest.  She wanted to talk about her confusing feelings towards Timothy and AJ.

And then the last girl to desire my company and advice was Sarah, my girl, and we got to talk about us.  Thursday night, over the phone, she told me that she had a present for me, “a special present,” she added.

“Well, I’m excited,” I said.

I saw her around lunch time and we smiled brightly at each other.  I called her while Geana was asleep only to find her crying.  She said she was an emotional wreck, but that she had to go to class.  I told her she was beautiful and that I loved her.

At dinner, she was still a little weird and I told her I would look her up after rehearsal.  After rehearsal Sarah, Mason, and Jessi went to rent a movie.  I watched it with them in Mason’s room with half the freshmen Performing Arts students, but Sarah never acknowledged I was there.

I was on duty and I got a call over the radio, so I left to deal with that and never returned.  I went to my room, put on Hymn by Jars of Clay, then put it on repeat, and began to read the Gospel of John.  While reading, a peace came over me.  I have been praying for a while now for God to teach me to love like he loves.  And I realized that he answered my prayer through Sarah.  He showed me how much it hurts when he loves those who do not even acknowledge or look at him.

When I got to the second chapter, there was a knock at my door.

Sarah came in.

She sat on the floor, by the sofa I was sitting on, and laid her head upon me.  I put my arm around her and ran my fingers through her hair.

She began to cry and she didn’t stop until she left, which was about an hour later.

My eyes shed no tears.

She eventually spoke.  “You see a beauty in me that I have yet to see.  I see how much you love and care for me and its the scariest thing I’ve ever known.”

“You ought to be me,” I smiled.

“I just don’t know what to do.”

“Do you want me to let you go?”

“Not completely.”

“I know not completely, but enough where we don’t have to pretend to play this little game?  I can’t stop loving you Sarah, but I can stop trying to show it.  And you know that I’m here if you ever need someone to hold you.”

She continued to cry.

“I’ve known you’ve felt this way for a long time,” I told her, “I just wanted to be come and tell me.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“You couldn’t hurt me.”

“I don’t want you to have to need me.”

“Sarah, I needed me to love you more than I ever needed you to love me.  What has happened between us is a beautiful thing.  God has told me to love you now, because we both will need it later on.  Please don’t feel guilty.”

We looked at each other for a while.

She broke the silence with, “It’s not like I don’t love you, I do, and you know I’ll always be here,” she placed her hand on my chest, “but I’m just not ready.”

More silence passed.

“I had a cross necklace that I wanted to give you, something that I’ve had for a while that has been very special to me, but it feel out of my pocket today and I lost it.”

The tears poured from her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

After a few eternal silent moments of unending eye-contact, she finally kissed me on my cheek and said, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”  I said.

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January 9, 1998 – Friday – 4:30 p.m.

Mom brought me back up to school on Thursday.

Wednesday night I called Sarah.  She was very mean to me, but she said she was kidding. Recently she just hasn’t been the Sarah I once knew.

I bought a rose for her and put it in her room today.  I’ve given our relationship to God.  I don’t know what happened, but I hope we get a chance to really talk soon.

I have a wonderful world up here.  Dan and his brother are here now.  The other come soon.  A great change is happening inside me.  My spirit and flesh war every day.  I try to keep the relationships around me growing and, at the same time, pursue an education and a career.

Overall though and more than anything, I just want to love and serve God.  I want to live this life to its fullest in God’s perfect plan and I do not want to sin.

Only four months are left.

Four.

Two of those four will be given to One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and Next.  On stage anyway, I’ll end my Lees-McRae career with a death scene, a suicide to be exact.  Weird.

Man.

I do miss Sarah.

I miss touching her.

I just miss her.

And I miss Titanic.  I haven’t stopped listening to the soundtrack since I got it.  Hmmm.  You spend 3 1/2 hours in a theater, yet you feel as though you have lived a lifetime.  I pray I can do that for people.

But as for now I am alive, just like any person who ends up reading this.

And I always will be alive.

Forever.

January 6, 1998 – Tuesday – 12:52 p.m.

Mom and I decided that we are going to leave on Friday since she needs to go clean the church Saturday morning.  So I have only two and a half days left here then four months at Lees-McRae.

Four months used to feel like a long time.

I’ve kind of been doubting how Sarah feels about me recently, but love is not about receiving.  It is about giving; giving until you are the lowest of the low.

We will see what the next four months hold for us, but no matter what I must keep getting closer to God.  No one must ever come before him.

This has been a pretty nice visit back to this ancient place.  By coming here and talking with many people and by listening to what others have said to me, I have come to the conclusion that there are not many others like me in the world.  This was kind of news to me, but I guess one easily assumes that everyone else sees the world like they do, but those both older and younger than me have told me that I think and see differently.

Maybe the reason they see this in me and feel the need to tell me is simply because I am not of this world.  Jesus says I am from a different kingdom.

It’s very difficult living this way, but also very easy for I truly do feel alive.  Thank you God for being who you are.

Since I’m going back to school a little earlier than I had planned, I will have some time alone.  But soon after, Cuckoo’s Nest rehearsals will be in full swing.  I’ll also be directing a one-act called Next by Terrence McNally.  I think Mason will be in it.

If I get the Teen-Mania position for the summer, I’ll have to raise money.  And I might have to find my way to Virginia Beach and Regent University this semester for some interviews.

I give it all to you God.

December 13, 1997 – Saturday – 3:00 p.m.

I copied the poem I wrote here in my journal yesterday down and gave it to Sarah.  She said it was the most romantic thing anyone has ever given her.

She is wonderful and beautiful.

Us guys had our Christmas together the other night.  They bought me a cool toilet seat and a CD tower.  It was a fun time.  They are the truest of friends.

In the spring show, Emily, who was in my scene for Directing class, was cast in the role of Candy.  Her character and my character have a pretty intimate make-out scene while we are both on the stage in nothing but our underwear.  So…this should be interesting.

I go to Asheville on Thursday to take the GRE; I’ll head home after that.  I plan to spend about three days in Virginia and hopefully visit Regent University while I’m there.

I hope to work at McDonald’s to make a little money, see Sarah a couple of times, then come back on the 11th of January.  Hopefully Kevin and Marcus and I will spend some quality time together this Christmas.

Sarah came over last night to study.  I have no exams, so I just tickled her back while she worked.  We took a study break and went to the Presbyterian Church’s spaghetti dinner.  While there we talked and laughed with Mindy and a few others about old TV shows.  It was a memorable time.  After we returned to my room, Sarah slowly fell asleep on her books.  I just watched her.

To be honest, I don’t think she knows what to do with me.  I’m probably too nice or too good to her.  I don’t get the feeling any boyfriend she had in high school was a proper gentleman.

Well, that’s good, right?  She deserves as much.

I have someone to love, to give myself to, and it’s awesome!

December 10, 1997 – Wednesday – 6:02 p.m.

All of my classes are over and I have no exams, just a couple of juries.

Auditions for the spring show One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest were on Monday and Tuesday.  I wanted so badly the part of Billy Bibbit and I got it!  He’s a stutterer who is picked on by the other mental patients.  They get a prostitute for him and he later kills himself.  It should be a challenging role.  Sarah was cast a prostitute in the show.  I don’t think she is very happy with that role.  During callbacks the director asked her to pull her sweater down in the front and bend over to see how much cleavage she could reveal.     It seems like she was cast as a prostitute just because she has larger breasts than the other girls.  I felt bad for her.

But life moves on.  Things are changing here.  Another semester is over and there is only one more to go.

I just realized that I’ve got the part I wanted to every show I auditioned for here at Lees-McRae.  God continues to bless me.

Yet, it seems the knowledge of my leaving seems to complicate things between me and Sarah.  What do I do?  She is beginning what I am ending.  Would a deeper relationship only harm the transition we are both in the middle of?

Oh God, please show me the way.

November 21, 1997 – Friday – 3:40 p.m.

Wow!! The Misanthrope opened and I received tons of flowers!  I got some from Lindy, Ann-Marie, and Abigail.  The show went great and everyone said I did great.

Four more shows remain.  I’m finally enjoying this play.  My mom comes on Saturday.

I finally got my Regent application in the mail.  Life is exciting.  Five and a half months left.  I’m looking forward to the change.  This will actually be somewhat easy, since I know Jesus is already preparing a place for me.

A couple of nights ago, when the moon was nearly full and the ground was covered in snow, Allen, Justin, Ashley, Shannon, and myself drove up to the top of Beech Mountain and sang praises to our Lord.  The midnight silhouette of the mountains below took my breath away.

It was perfect.

As is all of life these days.

Whatever happened to those feelings I had for Jessica, or Sherlive, or even Abigail?  I still see them, I still talk to them, I still even touch Abigail’s face, but it truly feels as if my emotions have moved on.

I love all the girls here, but there is not one of them I have come across whom I truly feel I want to spend my entire life with in marriage.  Just last night I went to spend time with all the girls after the show: Lindy, Tracey, Jeni, Abigail, and Ann-Marie.  Lindy, I believe, is content with her singleness, but the other four dream of love and a Godly man.  I can see their pain and longing in their eyes as they wait for that moment to come.  They almost seem desperate and hopeless.

I wish I could make them all happy forever, but I can’t.

So my job is to simply love all my friends, both guys and girls, for the next five and a half months, and then give each of them an extended “see you tomorrow.”

I feel God sending me to Regent.  He’s sending me to the beach.  Where I will continue to rest in this peace, love, and strength.

November 13, 1997 – Thursday – 12:30 p.m.

Life has been hectic.  All I’ve been doing is trying to memorize my lines for The Misanthrope.  Lindy and I have been working together a lot.  We’ve gotten closer.  She is so funny and wonderful.

Last night, after our stressful rehearsal, I went and laid down in Tracey’s room.  The girls, knowing how stressed I was, comforted me.  Tracey gave me a massage, Ann-Marie played with my hair, and Abigail tickled my back and neck.  The female touch of a good friend sure is good medicine.  I later ran my fingers up and down Abigail’s arm.  She has the softest skin.

Jeni was there too.  She came to visit for a while.  No one was touching her though.

And Vince was there as well, next to Ann-Marie.

Oh man, I’m going to miss this place.