June 12, 1999 – Saturday – 4:51 p.m.

I feel like crying…crying because I don’t have best friend here.  At the moment, I feel so very much alone, very misunderstood, and I never feel like I can fully relax into the friendships I have here.

I talked to Justin, Abigail, Tracey, and Sarah the other night.  They sounded so good.  Sarah and I are all healed and that completely amazes me.  But these dear people are all far away.  Justin is in town, but at camp.  I leave in a week, so I won’t get to see him.

I’ll soon be around a new group of people.  Before I even depart, I guy I don’t know from Richmond is staying with me for a week while he helps out on a film shoot.

Oh Jesus…what is going on?

How am I doing?

I feel life has become so different and I don’t want it to be.  Is it my perspective or are things really changing?  Am I still young?  What do you want me to do?  Where have all my simple joys gone?  I am missing them so.  Why all this stress?  Life didn’t use to be this way.

Mom called me the other night.  She and Henry are having problems in their marriage.  They say they’re spiritual attacks because of their involvement with the Brownsville Revival and they are going to counseling.  I hope they’re still good.

There is a family reunion happening at Deep Creek, but I can’t go due to the film shoot.

Change.  I both love and hate it.

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June 8, 1999 – Tuesday – 9:00 a.m.

Tenielle called me at one o’clock in the morning.  She is 17-years-old now, graduating from high school, and possibly joining the Army in October.  Jenna’s baby is a year and a half now.  She and Herb never got married.  I also found out that Tenielle and my brother Kevin were actually boyfriend and girlfriend at one time and actually kissed.  But Kevin was 21, and Tenielle was only 14.  That’s just sick!

But Tenielle seems to be doing okay now.  She sounded good.  We talked about how Carol is now raising five kids on her own since her husband left and is now addicted to cocaine.  She also said that Scott was just a big fat drunk now.  What happened?  I used to look up to these people.

Sharon also called me to tell me that Laura’s boyfriend David is off in Albania where some sort of war is going on.  With the job he has, that’s just what he does, he goes to the worst part of the world at the moment and lends a hand, trying to bring peace.  Laura says she can’t live like that.  She wants someone who can be there at the end of the day.  They are both just pitiful since they are learning they aren’t compatible.  Missions is on David’s heart and not on Laura’s, so he shouldn’t bring her along.

I took off from work until the middle of the July, simply to finish school for the summer and to do Master’s Commission.  The extra time is really nice.  I’m constantly in rehearsal for scenes in Actor Coaching.  Gin and Christy and I are a team.  They’re both fun.  Christy is getting married and has rekindled my belief that there are still good girls out there worth marrying.

Well, Lord…I give you another delightful day!

May 20, 1999 – Thursday – 9:54 p.m.

A hint of the setting sun still remains now, even around nine o’clock in the evening.  Summer is nearly here.  In one month I will begin the journey that will eventually take me to Los Angeles.  Speaking of the city that makes dreams, Episode I kinda let me down.

Much work is ahead of me this summer.  There’s all my course work, two short films, and then the drama trip shindig.  I’ll take the time almost every day to stop and realize where I am and how amazing it is to know that my same self existed in earlier times, in different places, and with different people.  Every part of me now is slightly different than who I was then.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that concept.

 

April 30, 1999 – Friday – 11:46 a.m.

It is another April 30th.  The sixth one I have experienced since I began keeping my Book of Days.  Into the Woods, Sonburst at Carowinds, driving with Laura, hiking with Jessi, and too much time with Sarah.

Far less special moments seem to be happening here at Regent University than they did at Lees-McRae.  Every day seemed special at Lees-McRae.

Only one thing is lasting: change.

I feel so lazy, so boring, so slow, so stupid.  I have no drive, no excitement, no inspiration. I miss the encouragement of friends I knew I would see every day.

I wonder what God is teaching me.

But the days are not stopping.  This isn’t slowing down.  The sun continues to rise and set.  My story is continuing.  And it seems as though God is my only audience.

I find comfort in only one thought: he will never leave me.

Here we go God.  Please take the lead.

January 29, 1999 – Friday – 8:12 a.m.

I talked to Dan and Curtis over the phone.  I must make it back to Lees-McRae on May 9th to attend their graduation.  They both seem to be doing well.  Needless to say, I miss them.

Things are good here.  I have many assignments and papers ahead of me, so I’m headed to the library today.

February is almost here.  That only means a little over three months remain the in the semester.

Not long at all.

Then, I’ll only have a year left.

Time is moving faster than it ever has before.

Hmm.

I’ve just been sitting here for a while.  It’s funny how, during some moments, the world makes sense, and, in others, it doesn’t.

Money hardly exists anymore.  It used to be numbers on paper, but now it is only numbers on a screen, numbers on computers, numbers in cyberspace that seem to have no value whatsoever.  We drive around in our cars like robots, and all we are buying with these useless numbers are lies.

When I was in Africa playing underneath the Milky Way, I was away from all the lies.

When I would sit in the treehouse on Hemlock Hill during a midnight snowfall, I was away from it all.

I hope the Lord comes back this year.  I don’t want to live in a world after the year 2000.  I fear things are going to get ugly, and that humans might only become more robotic.

It pains me to know that I’m a part of it all.

October 14, 1998 – Wednesday – 12:45 a.m.

Life is getting a tad bit interesting and complicated.

“Eyebrows” is coming along nicely.  I have half the script completed.  The youth group at Parkway is in major transition, but God will take care of us.  Emily had a 19-year-old friend die of cancer and she has returned home for the funeral.  Justin from LMC is coming into town tomorrow night.  Thursday is my last day of filming for “Saturday Despair.”  And Dawn is no longer at work.

I’ve been here long enough to see change.  Perhaps it means this place is my home now.  And this is my third one here on this planet.

Siler City.

Banner Elk.

Virginia Beach.

These are the places I am from.

I sent to see the ocean this morning and heard a sound in the water that I’ve never heard before.  It was the billions of bubbles of the surf all popping at once.

It sound like an applause from far away.

October 11, 1998 – Wednesday – 10:31 a.m.

Things are beginning to change.

Tammie and Jose made an announcement to the Discipleship class this afternoon.  They will be leaving in less than two weeks to serve as a youth minister in Fayetteville.

That probably means nothing to you because I haven’t mentioned them much in the past two months.  They are the youth pastors at Parkway Temple.  They are born leaders.  I found my refuge in them.  If not for their love, Parkway Temple would have been a church I visited once and not a church I now regularly attend.

The way they have affected these teenagers is unbelievable.  Everyone was crying during the meeting.  I couldn’t.  Goodbyes don’t make me cry.  I cry at the second hello.

They were so good to me.  But their leaving is a God thing.  I have a peace about it.  But what is frightening is how I showed up right before they were supposed to leave.

What are you doing God?

I’m in charge of about 20 teenagers on Wednesday nights for Drama and Tammie and Jose were the ones I leaned on.  Perhaps God is teaching all of us to lean on him.

I don’t know what will happen, but this is making too much sense.  I thought I was just supposed to come to Regent, but now I see that I was called to Parkway Temple for this time.

Life has a plot.  Life has an author.  Life has an audience.