July 16, 1997 – Wednesday – 10:45 a.m.

Monday night was amazing.  Rebecca St. James puts on a wonderful concert!  There was an altar call during the concert and I went up.  I needed for God to break me and recreate me.  It’s time for me to grow to the next level.

Last night I was asked to drive some Alumni up to the top of Beech Mountain.  We met a tour guide up there and toured around the old Land of Oz.  There was a museum there with actual costumes and props from the movie.  We got to walk through the life size replica of Dorothy’s house, and we followed the yellow brick road.  Everything was just beautiful and amazing!  Realizing I was in a magical land in a small town that sits higher than any other town in the Eastern United States, I left the group and walked ahead on my own.

After I turned a corner I stopped and looked around since I was totally alone.  And there I saw what I thought was a statue of a deer.  Only the statue turned and looked at me, so I quickly realized it was a real deer.  I expected her to immediately run away, but instead she just bent down to eat some grass.

I took a step closer, still expecting her to run, but she didn’t.  She lifted up her head from the grass and looked me in the eyes.  I took a few more steps closer and then the deer walked closer to me.  She was so beautiful.

After a few more steps we were right in front of each other.  I knelt down and she took a step closer and sniffed my cheek and my mouth.

No fear.

Nothing.

She saw me for who I was and touched her nose to my face, then softly licked my cheek.

It was a taste of heaven.

No fear or hate.

Only love.

Love.

On this Wednesday morning a thunder storm is brewing over Banner Elk.  I can hear the thunder rolling now.  The skies are darkening.

The wind has caught up with this flower and broken it.

I am dying, only to be raised.

The wind will soon blow my petals to another land and there I will grow again.

But one thing is clear, God wanted me here in this land and in this time.  He brought me to these mountains to kiss me.  May your name forever be praised!

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June 24, 1997 – Tuesday – 10:20 a.m.

I took archive pictures of My Fair Lady last night, then talked on the RSJ chatline afterwards.  I talked to girls in Austrailia, Singapore, and a guy in California.  It’s great to meet Christians from all over the world.  I had a good time.

Jeni came over and visited me about 12:30 in the morning.  She stayed for about two hours.  We just talked and held each other.  Then we gave each other a good night kiss.

We are so weird.  Your will be done God.

Seven days left in June.

I praise you God for the love that you give and for the time you spent on this Earth.  Thanks for taking our sins away.

The greatest gift, the greatest love…lives inside me.

January 29, 1997 – Wednesday – 10:04 a.m.

Life is good.

I went for my Crosspoint interview yesterday.  I won’t know until March if I’m offered a job though.

Emily wrote a letter to me and also sent me a couple of pictures.  They are now in my wallet.  She is doing well and I miss her greatly.

Children of a Lesser God is going great.  I enjoy kissing Dawn and I like the way she smells when we are on stage.  I’m sure I’ll miss it when the show is over.  Our stage kisses have become a favorite dinner conversation topic amongst our friends.

The show opens in two weeks.

Abigail is good.  Jessica is good.  Shawna is good.  The guys are doing great.  Josh plays the drums in our church now.

Only three days of January remain.

December 2, 1996 – Monday – 11:45 p.m.

It’s been a great day.  My classes were fun.  I got a lot of work accomplished.  I saw a lot of people I haven’t seen in nearly a week.  I went to Bible Study tonight.  Sharon has put up her beautiful Christmas tree.  Their home is so beautiful during Christmas.

I found out that I did get the part of James in Children of a Lesser God.  I’m excited and scared.  Dawn will play Sarah.  Yes, the same Dawn I was crazy about over the summer.  She will be my wife in the play.  I’ll probably have to kiss her.  This should be fun.

Please help me God.

March 17, 1995 – Friday – 8:45 p.m.

I worked from noon to 8:00 p.m. today.  I had an okay time.

I called Tenielle once I got home.  I told her I couldn’t come tonight, but I will come visit after I get off work tomorrow at 2:00 p.m.

I have gone by Christi’s house twice, but I only talked to Matt the first time.  I haven’t talked to or seen Christi since I have been here.  I will try to do that tomorrow.  I hope she will be glad to see me.

You know I feel more strongly for Jenna and Tenielle than I ever remember feeling for Jeni.  I have known them longer and they are much younger, but I don’t love them in a romantic way, I love them the only way I know how.

Besides, what I felt for Jeni was probably lust since she practically gave her body to me and I began to see that instead of her soul and her spirit.  Forgive me Lord and thank you for keeping our physical relationship from going any further than it did.

I believe that the Lord showed me through Veronica how to treat Jenna and Tenielle.  And I believe that the Lord showed me through Jeni that one learns to love another person, not through kissing, but through talking.

I am wondering if there is such a thing as “romantic love.”  I am pretty sure that any story or relationship on this earth is not going to be perfect.  Perhaps the only thing that exists is true love.

True love never dies.

It never fails.

What I felt for Veronica and Jeni has died; I still care about them, but that is all.

So, there it is.  I thank God for what I’ve learned and I move on.

I wrote Emily back on Monday.  I told her some simple things.  Then, at the end of the letter, I reminded her of the perfect and pure prince she was waiting for.  Then I wrote this:

Emily, to be truthful, after I read that I looked up to heaven and said, “Dear God, please, let it be me.”  But either way, I couldn’t imagine myself loving you anymore than I do right now.

There is so much about Emily I do not know.  And part of me doesn’t want to find out, for everything I currently know about her is perfect.  She was so beautiful on that summer night in the mountains two years ago.  I know she has faults since she is human, but I would rather not discover them.  Outside of my Jesus, this may be the only perfect relationship that I will ever know.

But if this relationship is going to stay perfect, then that means I will never see Emily again.

And I want to so desperately; for my eyes to feast on her beauty and for my ears to hear her voice.

Veronica, Ryan, Christi, Jenna, Tenielle, Jeni, and Emily…I will love them all in different ways.  Some have faded away and others may.  I’m sure other girls will come along and I will love them differently and they too may fade.

But which ever one I love with a true love will never die and last until the end.

January 11, 1995 – Wednesday – 11:45 p.m.

Where shall I begin?

First of all, let me tell you where I am, for I am pretty sure I will never be in this exact spot ever again.

I am in Albany, Georgia, on the grounds of Sherwood Baptist Church.  At this moment I am sitting at a picnic table writing by a small flashlight that Charlie has let me borrow.

It is very warm out tonight.  Well, at least compared to places like Banner Elk and Cincinnati.

Now, about yesterday…to sum it up Jeni and I are a little upset.  People have been giving us a hard time about how close we are.  They pick on us and say things like, “Should we count Jeni and Jacob as one person or two?”

It really began to annoy us.

Then last night Charlie mentions it to me.  He says that we offend him and other people when we kiss in public.

I laughed and said, “Is everyone so perverted that they can’t stand the sight of two people kissing?”  I just didn’t understand and it made Jeni angry when I told her.  We both felt like our private relationship was being intruded upon and judged.

So Charlie and I had a long talk.  But before this talk every little thing got to me.  I got hurt when people picked on me and joked around with me.  It just seemed like the whole world was against me.  So I let it all go by talking to Charlie.  This was eventually the result of our conversation:

He says that I need to conform to how society and the world around me works and thinks in order to please them and make myself look good.  I said that it is the rest of the world that is messed up and wrong.  Jeni and I just see those things as innocent and beautiful displays of our affection for each other.  After talking for a while, Charlie eventually came to the conclusion that I was right.  He said that he used to see things the way I did, but now his heart has been hardened because he has seen many of his friends get close to someone else, have sex and it totally tear both of them apart.  Now, simple kisses appear dirty to him and it tears him up inside.  He encouraged me to never lose my purity and innocence by seeing things the way that he does now.

So, we are okay.

I talked to Jeni and said that what Charlie said had some truth, so we should sacrifice a little just to make the people around us a little more comfortable.  But it is really just to shut Charlie up so he doesn’t continue to embarrass us.  Jeni believes that only Charlie feels this way and that he is jealous of our relationship.

I don’t know what to think, but hopefully it is over.

Tonight we went to a church service at a local church.  I enjoyed it.  Afterwards a few of us went to the movies.  Some saw Richie Rich, but Jeni and I went to see Little Women.  I thought it was completely wonderful and absolutely precious and pure.  There was no sex, nudity, violence or cursing at all.  I loved it!  Jeni and I both cried.

Being alone together inside that theater, we realized how much we had missed each other these past few days.

I really do love her.

It drives me crazy!

With Veronica and Ryan, that romantic love was simply a small chill or feeling.  I thought it was love, but it wasn’t.  With Jeni, it is a knowing.  My whole body knows that I love her and my body knows when she is near.

Yet still, I want to learn more about her.  I want to know when to laugh and when to cry.  I want to know when to smile and when not to smile.  I want to know every little thing that makes her work.

I want to make a great husband.  More than film, I have a greater desire to learn about Jeni, because if there is one thing I’m good at, it is loving her.

So there it is.  A harsh day, but a great ending and I learned so much.

I am lending my hands to those in great need.  I enjoy it.  It makes me feel good knowing I am doing something.  I feel more like me than I ever have before.  Yes, there are times when I reflect on the past.  I still do think of Jenna, Tenielle, Christi, Ryan, and Veronica.  Those days are missed, but they are still forever gone.

Here is me.

I am who I am.

I don’t have a problem with myself.

I feel secure.

Some days are good and some days are bad.  There are times when it hurts.  There are times when I am confused and unsure.  There are times when I doubt.

But with that there are also times of joy.

I enjoy who I am.

I enjoy my personality.

But there are also times when I don’t.

Lord, sometimes it hurts just to be me.  At time it is hard to be me.  There are times when I am scared.

Yet I continue.

To praise you.

To do your will.

To love your creation.

To be me, the only one like me that you have created.

Thank you Lord for teaching me how to be me.

December 4, 1994 – Sunday – 2:30 p.m.

Church was okay this morning, but the weird thing is that my roommate hasn’t been here in about two weeks.  I don’t know where he is.

It’s already December.  Christmas is in 21 days.  Wow!!

Everything is great.

Truthfully, I have no idea what to write about in my journal today.  Jeni is in Ballet class right now.  I love her so much.  She is my best friend.  I want to be with her forever.  I want to hold her and comfort her.  In everything I do is seems part of me is thinking about her.

She was emotional last night.  Jeni wants to be my wife.  She lets me know that.  Yet sometimes she thinks too much and last night she said she thought I wanted to be a filmmaker more than I wanted to be her husband.  I told her I wanted both, but if I had to choose I would choose her.

I wish I could try to describe to you how I feel about her.  When I look into her blue-gray eyes I see myself, but I also see Jesus. They are so deep, so bright.  God knew what he was doing when he created her and he also know how much she would mean to me when he created her.  We are so close.  We hold each other for so long and just look into each other’s eyes.  I love kissing her.  I don’t ever want to kiss another girl.

When all my days are over, I want to say the only girl I ever kissed was my Jeni.

She says that she hopes I can say the same thing.  She never wants to kiss another guy.

We have a perfect relationship.

Thank you Lord.