This has been a lonely day even though I spent some good hours with Dan, Theresa, and Amy from the bookstore. The power went out and we got together to play a board game.
I have a bit of a headache. My neighbors above me have really heavy footsteps. I wish it would snow, so I could feel quiet and clean. I wish I could ride horses against a Kentucky sunset.
David, my roommate, is as introverted as Matt. I knocked on his door earlier and asked if I could come in and he said “no.” His door is always closed to me.
Abigail and Jeni have recently had birthdays. September is half over. Then only three months left. Some days I get so scared. It all seems so big. But there are other days in which being alive is the easiest thing there is.
I had a neat conversation with a Greek named Bill last night. I was the first to get deep into his soul since he’s come to Regent. He told me I’m the first and only person he has met who seems well rounded in all the gifts. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but it was nice.
I also pitched “To Fly” on Monday. Afterwards I was complemented by so many classmates telling me I was an amazing writer. Why am I still so lonely here? Was I this lonely at Lees-McRae? I must like the wide spaces the mountains provided, it gave my heart room to grow.
Jesus, it is so hard to share you. I feel like you’re all mine. It feels like you spend all your time with me. How can you be in my room and in David’s as well? How can your spirit pour while I’m at church and also while I’m alone? Can you be the leader of this dance?
I don’t know where to take you that you haven’t already been.
Hurricane Floyd is on his way up the coast, but my soul is calm. All classes and work have been cancelled for tomorrow. I bought some new music today. Music makes me so happy and peaceful, especially the music that sings of my savior.
Today was SEE YOU AT THE POLE. I went to Kimberly’s school to pray.
Early in the afternoon I drove through the rain to downtown Norfolk to go the federal building, but it was closed. So I just walked around in the rain. It was nice. I went to Town Pointe Park and to the Armed Forces memorial. And there at that flag pole, I placed my SEE YOU AT THE POLE bracelet. I stood there in the rain, and I thought of all those who had died for my freedom to pray to God in this nation. And even as I’m writing this, I’m still so thankful.
Things are wonderful! I can’t believe God is so good. But I do believe every good thing is from him.
I met with Felicia tonight. She’s doing most of the fund-raising for my film. I’m not sure how to describe this, but this is going to be big! We are trying to raise nearly $40,000 and will try to take the movie on the road to churches around the nation after I graduate. This project could keep me busy for the next three years.
I’ve been staring at my U.S. map for the past five minutes. It is difficult to grasp all that is going on. God has taken my little idea that I thought I was going to shoot on video and has expanded it. It looks like this little 15 page script I wrote over the summer could be a major turning point in my life.
I adore you God!
The weather has been unbelievable recently. I finished the shoot for the CBN feature on Thursday. The piece was about a daughter whose boyfriend killed her mother and father. It caused me to reflect. I’ve come to notice the amount of pain and suffering my life has not seen. No one truly close to me has died.
As autumn comes closer, I’m reminded of change. This all seems to happen too fast. I hate that I get too selfish. I hate that it took me too long to love this place, and now it feels I’m about to leave it. I wish I was more full of love. I wish I wasn’t so picky when it comes to girls. Is it bed to be satisfied with your love God? I’m content with what you have given me.
So where do we go from here? You died so that I might live. Is that what I should do? Live? Love others? Love you? Love you by loving others? Love others by loving you?
I can do that. I can enjoy those within my proximity. I can enjoy all the beauty. I can see you in all of them.
The days have gone by very quickly. Will the passing of time never cease to amaze me?
A bunch of guys from church and school got together to minister at the beach on Labor Day. Then a few of us hung out in my apartment together and wrote original worship songs. It was an amazing time! I worked on the lyrics while the others wrote the music.
Auditions for my film are in three weeks and we haven’t raised a dime. But God is in control. I asked him to test my faith through this project, so I’m sure he is.
My facial hair grows faster these days. Does that mean I am getting older? I plan on spending most of this evening in the computer lab.
. . .
Kara just called me. She’s a woman I met at a party and Chris and Jason’s last night. We talked for a while and discovered that her aunt’s husband put a cast on my arm when I broke it in the 7th grade. How weird is that? Anyway, she’s an actress and I told her about Dang!. She wanted to know if she could come by and pick up a script. But an even weirder thing is that just last night, after the party, I had one of those notions to just go outside and walk around the village. After a couple of minutes, low and behold, there she was walking right towards me on her phone. She ended up coming to my apartment and I gave her a script. We’ve been talking for the past hour just now. She said she didn’t expect to have such a bonding time with me.
She’s fun, kinda different, and doesn’t seem to be wearing a mask. She said she wants to point me in the right direction to help raise some money for my film.
Sometimes I begin to write and I see that it has been a few days and I try to recap what I’ve done, but this time it is more important to figure out how I feel or how I got to this new place. Don’t get me wrong, at this moment I’m in my apartment, on my bed; I haven’t physically gone anywhere, but my heart has.
Recently, I’ve felt torn between my two different work worlds of church and school. I felt God pushing me towards school and away from church. This confused me because my traditional way of thinking has always been to get involved in the church first and foremost. Last year, I just went to school, but was involved with church. Now God is saying to do the opposite.
I believe Master’s Commission was my last bit of serious youth ministry and youth work. I’m 23 and there’s many valuable years between that and the 16-year-olds I’ve been hanging out with recently. So, I think I’m going to just teach the class on Wednesdays until David can find someone else, and I’m going to focus on school. I’m going to completely let the drama team go, and I will not go to that many youth services anymore. I’ll still hang out with Sterling, Christin, Kimberly, Brandon, and Jason, but I just need to let go of the teenage life. I’ve been living it for way too long.
What a good thing that youth church has been in my life. I’m so thankful I shared so many days with them. It feels good to come to this new stage. Thank you God.
So, it is Saturday morning. Kerstin is back from Germany. I met her at the airport last night. I’ve got plenty of work ahead of me thanks to my classes and my thesis film. I’m going to see Caedmon’s Call in three weeks. I have a backstage pass.
It is a beautifully rainy day thanks to Hurricane Dennis. It is nice to be in September.
September is here. Unbelievable. Classes seem fun. Chris and I went to see Run Lola Run; it was amazing! I loved it, loved it, loved it!
I went over to Charlotte’s house today. Her mother wanted to feed me a good dinner and taking me shopping for some back-to-school clothes. What a blessing! It is crazy how I am 23, yet so many moms who aren’t my own still want to feed me and provide for me. God is so good.
There is more to say, but I am tired.