December 4, 2000 – Monday – 4:00 p.m.

The events of the past weekend were extraordinary.

During the month of November, Anna and I were able to see a few movies together and go out to eat a bit. She also started coming to church and to my small group with me.

This past Tuesday we went to see Requiem for a Dream, then we took a walk along the cobblestone streets of Ghent in Norfolk. Thursday, after our small group, we tried to go see the Christmas lights at the beach, but we ended up just driving around since we arrived after it closed. That night I found myself serenading her with The Little Mermaid’s “Part of your World” in the lobby of a huge women’s restroom on campus. The acoustics were fantastic!

Saturday, after I went bowling with my Wednesday night group, I picked Anna up and we went to see The Grinch. Then we bought some hot cocoa and ended up under a blanket on wooden lookout in the Mackie Island National Wildlife Refuge across the state line in North Carolina. We just sat there and snuggled for hours until a police officer came and nearly arrested us for trespassing. That night ended with us barely being able to let go of each other at her apartment door.

Yesterday, Sunday, I went over to her apartment, and we just snuggled, and talked, and kissed, and adored each other for five straight hours.

We don’t know how this happened, but it did. I stand completely in awe. I’m amazed at the way she sees me, the way she holds me, the way she touches me. There is hardly anything to say, hardly anything to write, for we simply are. I can’t explain it. I met her nearly a year ago when she first arrived. She’s been walking around Regent this entire time, but we just now found each other.

“Spill-tained pages of poetic prophecy

tickle my interest and taunt at my fantasy

gentle new lover, favorite friend

with hidden desire that bothers my

conscience again.”

So here I am. Snow fell on warm hearts last night. The frozen morning melted away but our hearts and lips are still intact. Frozen forever by winter. Forever captured in sight.

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September 26, 2000 – Tuesday – 9:52 p.m.

Each day is somehow filled with making movies. I love what I do for Forefront, it’s hard to even call it work. It’s absolutely wonderful.

I leave for Grundy, VA tomorrow. It is very close to Kentucky, a state that I haven’t visited since September of ’97 I believe. Hopefully we’ll cross the state line.

Life is rather simple in these flat, coastal lands. I just kind of go with the flow of everything, knowing I own nothing, and nothing lasts forever save the love of God.

The air was much cooler today. It was lovely. And I’ve discovered a new artist, singer/songwriter Dar Williams. I bought her latest album today.

As September ends I’ll be in a part of the Appalachian Mountains I’ve never been in before. It’s difficult to describe the freedom I’ve been experiencing these days. There simply a beauty in the everydayness.

Jesus is revealing new truths to me about humanity, and what is truly important.

I thank him for that.

August 20, 2000 – Sunday – 5:00 p.m.

Yesterday we just went to the beach instead of going up to the Eastern Shore.  And once we got there, I left the group and began walking north.  I eventually arrived to Fort Story and saw the lighthouses, and then, far in the distance, I saw a beautiful girl in a bright yellow bikini run into the waves.  She was instantly more beautiful to me when I realized she was alone.  Far up near the remains of an old fort, I saw her towel and bag where she  had made her sunbathing spot.  There was not a soul around, except for me walking by.

She kept swimming, and I kept walking.

I turned around after a while, and when I walked back by she was lying in her spot up near the fort.

Everything in me wanted to stop and talk, but I walked past and then paused to ponder the notion more intently before I was too far away.  The waves tickled my feet.  A dolphin swam in the distance.  I wanted so badly to talk with the girl who was content to be alone.

I wondered about all the elements of who she might be deep in her soul.  But, I never found out if any of them were true.  Instead, I picked up a seashell to keep as a memento.  It will forever remind me of the blonde sunbather in whom I saw a bit of myself.

Thank you, whoever you are.

August 4, 2000 – Friday – 11:45 a.m.

I’m sitting on a slanted picnic table in a park near the Library and Community Center of Sterling, Virginia.  I left at 7:30 this morning to drive up here, because someone associated with a sister company of Acoustic Works is going to train me on Dreamweaver.

My meeting isn’t until 1:00 p.m., but I left early just to spend some time alone in a new town.  Three kids are playing loudly on the playground near me.  I’m glad they are happy.

I received Dan and Abigail’s wedding invitation in the mail.  It makes me both happy and sad.  Only Vince and I have yet to get married, and he is in Bolivia.

After Dan and Abigail’s wedding, I wonder if I should stop visiting Banner Elk.  I can so easily get stuck in the past.  It may be better for me to not see that land for a while.

. . .

I’ve sat here in silence for a while now.  I fear I have a broken heart.  I feel Jeni, Sarah, Emily, and Marie have each broken it in their own slight way.  But most of all, I feel I have broken it as well.

An older woman just brought two little blonde girls down to the playground, but then she turned around and walked away after she saw three Black kids playing on it.  And now the two white girls are sad and asking a bunch of questions.  They don’t understand why they can’t play.

Such a sight makes me so thankful I grew up with Marcus, Danny, and Peter.  And that I even had a Black youth pastor for a while.

Life seems to get harder as I grow older.  As a child, I would have never noticed the subtle racism I just experienced.

Jesus, you are my savior.  Am I living fully in your salvation?  Am I accepting all your mercy and forgiveness?  All I want is you.

When it comes down to it, I just want that treehouse covered in snow with the Braveheart soundtrack in my ear.  I want you all around me like that.

Can I have that everyday?

I just realized this is my second time in Sterling, VA.  The first time was with Rachel’s mom when she brought me up to Chrysalis in 1997.  In fact, that was exactly three years ago, for I remember it was in early August.

Is there any love left in me?

It feels like I’m losing all my friends.  I can never have Banner Elk and Lees-McRae again, so I should stop looking and waiting for it.

Do you still have a plan for me God?

Thank you for the leaf that just floated down and sat next to me.  I want more quiet moments alone with you.

Please don’t send me a girl if she’ll only distract me from you, or if I’ll distract her from you as well.  Too many hearts have been bruised.  I want to give all of my heart to you.

July 9, 2000 – Sunday – 12:30 p.m.

I got home at 5:00 this morning.  I was up in Maryland returning Uncle Jeff’s truck back to him.  My roommate drove my new car up there and then we drove it back down together, but the alternator or battery or something messed up on us.  It’s a long story, but it took us one heck of a time getting back.  We were stopping and waiting.  We slept on the side of the interstate for a while.  We got stuck near Bowling Green, VA where we ate at the Chin Restaurant.  Actually it was the Chinese Inn, but so many letters were burnt out that it read ‘Chin.’

It feels like I’ve been all over Virginia and Maryland this week. Last weekend I camped out with Dan on the top of the mountain behind his house in West Virginia, then we spent the next day visiting Garrett County in Maryland.  I drove back on the 4th of July.

I also helped Kristen out with a CD-Rom she is working on.  She wanted to interview me about today’s youth since I lead 12 of them to Los Angeles nearly one year ago.

I’m sad that I didn’t get to visit Forefront Church this morning, but I was just too sleepy after our night on the highway.  Hopefully I can visit a week from today.

 

June 1, 2000 – Thursday – 9:10 a.m.

I’m not entirely sure where I am.  I think I’m in Arlington, VA.  I’m in Northern Virginia none the less.  I came up here yesterday with Jean from work.  She’s my colleague and we’ve spent much time working together recently on several projects.  She’s becoming a good friend and we are sharing a great deal with each other about our personal lives.

I also came up with Townley and Andy, the vice-president and president.  Andy has a presentation in Baltimore.  I created his PowerPoint presentation for him and he said all the other Presidents from different companies from all over the world were watching it, and they all loved it.

Jean and I stayed in Arlington to do some work with Waveworks, a sister company of Acoustic Works.  It didn’t go too well, but we learned a lot, and we are staying with Townley’s parents.

June is here.

I love you God.

March 9, 2000 – Thursday – 5:15 p.m.

Oh how the weeks go by.

I’m here in my Virginia Beach apartment.  The weather is nice.  I’m listening to Rebecca St. James, and I just got finished looking at some old journals.

My! how I have changed!

I want my life to be made up of God, Marie, and film/theater.  In that order.

I once was a child, and I praise God for such days.  And I think I’m also thankful that I have such days written down.  My emotions definitely feel more stable at this age of 23.  Hopefully these pages will no longer contain fleeting crushes.

Marie is my one true special friend for all of time.  Tomorrow is our special friend day.  We will spend it at Munden Point Park again.  It’s down near the North Carolina state line.  The water we sit by flows into North Carolina.

Even though I love North Carolina, I like being in Virginia with Marie.  You know what they say, Virginia is for lovers.

I have applied for another job; this time with the Virginia Opera.  Hopefully something will become of it.

Pilate opens tonight.  This is not my most favorite show I’ve ever been a part of, but it is an original work, so that’s worth something in and of itself.  I’m the first person to ever play the character of Luke.

In the Flesh opens at the end of March.  That means I’ll have done three original, never-before-attempted roles while here at Regent.  I’m not sure if I’ll try to do any theater next year.  I’d like to spend the next year just working and writing.

Please have your way with me God.

May the summer move slowly.

Bless all my friends as they marry each other this summer.

And take care of sweet Marie.

January 24, 2000 – Monday – 1:35 p.m.

Okay, let me just slow down enough to write in my journal.

Marie just stopped by on her way to class.  We are having dinner together in four hours, a special soup from her mother.  Marie is my best friend ever.  My beautiful love.  The woman I want to spend every day of my life with.  I’ve walked down many different paths and have had other relationships with girls, but they have all guided me here to these days in Virginia Beach with her.

We go to church together now and it has pulled me away from Parkway Temple, where I attended for the past 18 months.  We have tried Bethel Christian Fellowship, but I don’t think that is for us, so we’re going to try Avalon Hills next Sunday.

I am amazed and overwhelmed every day by the love of both Marie and Jesus.

This past Friday we drove around the Bacon’s Castle area of southeast Virginia.  There were so many little village type towns out there.  On February 11th we are driving down to Wilmington, NC, where I hope to move with her in a year and a half’s time.  Her birthday is in July and inside I’m praying that that is when I will ask her to marry me.

She is the sweetest and grandest of all women.  She views life through the eyes of a poet.  Her faith and relationship with Jesus is so true and steadfast.  She is a warrior and a little girl.  She is faithful and true.  She is beyond anything I could have dreamed to share my life with.  She listens to me, holds me, comforts me, prays for me, and loves me.

She amazes me.

Thank you Jesus.

January 13, 2000 – Thursday – 6:00 p.m.

Marie and I walked the trials of Back Bay this afternoon.  There is such beauty in the flatness surrounding the water.

We are visiting parks in the northeastern areas of Virginia tomorrow.  We had decided this a while back, but I discovered through a newspaper that was accidentally placed under my door, that the new musical by the guys that wrote Les Miserables, Martin Guerre, was showing in Washington D.C. just farther north than where we planned to go. So, I got us two tickets and told her that I have a surprise for her.  She has no clue what we are doing.

We had a little Bible study and prayer time las night.  It was wonderful.  God is guiding us.

Our journal we are keeping together is the most beautiful thing in the world.  We exchange it back and forth every day.

Sweet Marie.

Oh God, your love is amazing!

December 17, 1999 – Friday – 10:50 p.m.

Marie and I went to Williamsburg today.  We visited my wonderful grandparents.  We shared a meal with them.  Everything my grandfather said was ten times funnier than usual for the simple thought that Marie was experiencing it for the first time.  I adored the way my grandparents said her name.  It was as if she was already family.

We walked to the reservoir and sat on a newly built pier; perhaps it was built just for us.

We visited Colonial Williamsburg at night.  I pretended in my own mind that we lived in another century.  Each window of these ancient buildings held a candle, as if the eyes of the past, present, and future were watching us walk through our own unknowingness.

We stopped at a bench beneath an ancient tree beneath a more ancient moon.  And there we pondered the other twin souls who might have stopped underneath this very tree throughout all its years.  But the tree whispered its secret to us; that God had created him for the sole purpose of providing a special atmosphere for Marie and I on the night of December 17th in the final year of a millennium.  And there the moon revealed it true purpose of creation, to shine on the two of us.

Sweet Marie.

On the way home we drove through the Christmas lights of Norfolk’s botanical gardens.

Tomorrow night is our Christmas.

Each night is our birthday.