April 28, 1998 – Tuesday – 10:30 a.m.

We watched the film projects on Sunday.  Everyone enjoyed mine tremendously.  It had people in tears.  I was told by several others that it blew everyone else’s away.  But it even got me though, and I made it.  I came to my room and cried, for I knew all of this was almost over.  Sarah and Jessi came over to hold me.  We all cried together.

And then there was last night.  I don’t know how to write about last night.  Perhaps many days later I will be able to.

But something was on my heart.

Sarah wanted me to tell her.

I told her I was afraid she wouldn’t understand.

She wanted to know.

I told her in the most loving way I knew how, and afterwards she stood up, went into my bathroom, and vomited in my toilet.

Hours later I was able to tell her something else that I have never spoken aloud to anyone, including myself, in all my 21 years.

This is all stuff that relates to my faith, and to my fears that others may not believe as deeply as I do.  But my sharing that in an effort to be understood only caused Sarah to feel rejected.

Oh God, why am I the way I am?

 

April 24, 1998 – Friday – 6:30 p.m.

What a neat week!  At the Performing Arts banquet on Wednesday, I received the Best Actor award again for this year!  I was awarded it last year as well.

Sarah and I are doing fine.  In fact she is currently in my bathtub right now.  No other student has access to a bathtub, so I bought her some candles, etc. and invited her to have a private relaxing bath.  I love her so much!

Only one full week of classes remain and then another week to say goodbye.

God is so good to me.

We had senior evaluations this morning. Melonie gave me the greatest compliment.  She said, “You are a ray of light to the dark theater world.”  Perhaps I have been doing something right all these years.  Dawn even called me a “true Christian.”

To top it all off, I got my haircut today and everyone loves it!  What is God so kind?  Can life be this good forever?

 

April 19, 1998 – Sunday – 8:30 p.m.

I have three weeks left.

Twenty-one days.

Only twenty-one days of nearly four years of time.

Today has been a good day.  I led junior worship today and gave the kids a little sermon on inner beauty.  Jimmy Heaton took Josh and I out to eat at Poppy’s Barbecue.  It was really yummy.  I came back to my room, prayed for a while, and then took an amazing nap.  I ate dinner then went to church where Charlie spoke on doubting Thomas.

He said that when Jesus appeared to him in His glorified body, he still had scars.  He went straight to Heaven with scars and His scars cause Thomas to believe.  I have scars; none that are really big, but I have them nonetheless.  The Bible doesn’t hard the scars of it’s realistic characters, so why should I?  God wants to use my scars for his glory.

Wow!

The time has come for me to move on and I am excited.  I am going to live and see what else is out there.

I just read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and here is my favorite part:

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.  I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live.  I rejoice in life for it’s own sake.  Life is no brief candle to me.  Its a sort of splendid torch which I’ve got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it off to future generations.

To stand a hold a huge torch, a massive burning flame, for Jesus Christ!

My senior thesis on Titanic is nearly complete.  I have concluded that the reason it has made more than a billion dollars worldwide is because it simply demands to be seen.  It has all the right ingredients and basically has a huge sign around it’s neck that screams, “Come look at me and see what I can do!”

And we all did.  We went and saw it three or four times.

So in my life, in this precious gift given only by God, I am going to demand in a subliminal and mesmerizing way, for this world to look at me, but not to find me, to only find Jesus.

So, I’m moving on.  I said I was going to fly at Lees-McRae, and compared to high school, it’s obvious to me that I have.

Now comes the time to fly higher, to make the world see Jesus, to not hide my scars, but to use them to help others believe.  Jesus is truly all I have, and, thankfully, he’s all I need.

April 18, 1998 – Saturday – 1:30 p.m.

Vince, Curtis, Ashley, and I went to see City of Angels last night.  That movie completely woke me up.  I had the most amazing morning.  Everything was brighter and more beautiful.  It all just tastes better.  It was raining outside, but that made it even more beautiful.

I have been given so much.  I am able to hear.  Able to see.  Able to sleep and taste and feel.  I’ve been able to hold Sarah and love and smell and watch and touch her.  My life is richer and fuller now because of the time I’ve spent here with her.

I am so young.  But I feel so old.  Perhaps because the elderly know when it’s their time to go and I know my time here as come to an end.

April 16, 1998 – Thursday – 11:30 a.m.

It is Henry’s birthday.  He is 44 or 45.  I talked to my mom today.  There is a slight possibility that Mom, Henry, and Nate might move to Pensacola, Florida.  Wow, that’s only about 30 minutes from Emily.

Hmmm.

Henry is going to go to the Brownsville School of Evangelism or Ministry or something.  They don’t allow distant marriages, so Mom and Nate would have to go with him.  That means selling the house and everything.

I talked to Marcus today as well.  He is going to come up on the 10th of May and will head back on the 11th.  Mom said Kevin goes up to Virginia every weekend to see Dad and Grandpa.  Grandpa hasn’t been doing to well.  He’s been in the hospital for nearly a month now.  I’ll try to get up there in May.

Sarah and Jessi didn’t make it into Summer Theater.  It came as a big blow to the whole department.  No one understands and Sarah has taken that rejection really hard.  Both of them came over last night and I held both of them for an hour.  They don’t know what the summer of ’98 will hold for them.

I’m not really sure what it holds for me.  Regent classes begin on the 31st of August.  I hope to arrive by the 18th.

Sarah and Jessi have been the greatest blessing of my senior year.  Things are moving so quickly and feeling so crazy.  I don’t know which way the wind blows, so I’m going to let God take care of tomorrow.  He is in control.

April 13, 1998 – Monday – 5:30 p.m.

Something is happening inside me.  I only have 27 days.

Twenty-seven.

I’m done with everything, I mean I’m not “done done,” but once graduation comes, I am ready to leave and say goodbye to everyone and everything except for one beautiful girl.

Oh, Sarah Maria!

But this ship is sinking.  I just want to hold Sarah and cry.  She is becoming all I think about.  I have found a good and wonderful thing in her.  She loves me.  I know the good in her wants to be with me.  She has taken me on the most amazing journey of the heart. I want to be inside her flesh and soul and spirit and feel her heart beat in unison with mine.

Love is so amazing.  Don’t wish it upon yourself.  I used to say to take life a day at a time, but that no longer works for me.  Now I have to take it minute by minute; to dare and be happy and love completely for 60 seconds.

I’m in my room now, but it soon will be my room no longer.  Oh what memories I have created here.

Oh God, what is going on inside me?

Are you doing this?

I feel so alive.

It’s as if your very breath is in me.

 

April 12, 1998 – Sunday – 10:12 p.m.

I’ve been working on my Titanic paper all weekend.  It is really good, possibly better than my first draft that sunk into the Atlantic.  I’m excited about sharing it during my Omega presentation.

Sarah left Friday morning to go home.  I miss her.  Today I went into her room to bring my paper up on her computer to work on it since my word processor no longer works.  As an RD I have a master key to everyone’s room on campus, but she said I could be in her room without her there.  And, well, I kinda did a bad thing.  I found her journal and I read some of it.  She hasn’t written anything since February, but it helped me understand where she was coming from.  I do love her so much.  Most of her entries about me were simply her amazement that I could love her as much as I did.  She stood in awe of our relationship because there were no lies and no games.  She also wrote how she was afraid that I was very sexual, for it appears she wished we were going further physically than we have been.  I think perhaps Wednesday night may have proved her wrong, of course there was no sex, but…oh Sarah is simply amazing!  I now wish I hadn’t read that part, for I want so desperately to stay pure until marriage.  I fear this new knowledge may give me permission to let my hands wander.  Oh, what if Sarah and I tried this whole life together.  How much fun would that be.

Oh God, be with us.  Help us.  Bless us.

Reading her journal was such a blessing because it show me how God was using me to bless her life just like he was using her life to bless mine.

I think we really do make a lasting impact on those we are with, for I talked to Shirley, Veronica’s mom, yesterday.  Everyone seems to be doing fine.  Veronica wasn’t there for me to talk with her, but her mom did say that she was telling her current boyfriend about me and what a positive force I was in her life.

Every moment matters.

April 9, 1998 – Thursday – 7:30 p.m.

We are nearing mid-April.  It’s already the forth month, yet it feels like 1998 just began.

A year ago I was dealing with Abigail hating my guts, but earlier tonight she was hugging me tightly for a few minutes for we know time is slipping away.

Two years ago I performed the Easter skit at Heaton Christian Church with the high schoolers.  Then Dan and Charlie and I had a deep talk of love.  Dan couldn’t stand to even talk about love and today he talked about his blooming relationship with Abigail.

And three years ago I was receiving letters from Emily, my one true thing whom I haven’t seen, spoken, or written to in nearly a year.

And then there was today.  Sarah came over just before midnight last night.  My visitation hours ended at one this morning, but Sarah didn’t leave until 5:00 a.m.  We went a little too far in those early hours of today.  Our bodies just seemed to take over.  We didn’t go all the way, but I do think in a slight way it made us closer, cause we took the time to talk about how we crossed the line.

Honestly, I think it was the scene from Lysistrata.  I played an extremely horny character and I was rolling around on the studio floor with another girl.  I think it turned both Sarah and I on.

The storm is 30 days away.  Sarah is still with me.  She told me last night that she was in love with me and that it scared her.  She wondered why I chose her out of all the girls on campus.

These days are so weird.  I have a whole new world to think about, yet I’m so in love with the one I have right here.  Yet, I know that if I just take it a day at a time, it’ll all be okay.

I wondered today if I could spend my life with Sarah.  And I don’t know.  I’m not sure yet.  We will see in time.  One can never know what lies ahead.

Will I still write about Sarah three Aprils from now?

What a time in my life this has been.  From November 22nd until this day, Sarah has been the defining force of my senior year.

I put my cap and gown on today.  It felt weird.  It’s been four years since I wore one of those.

Things are so up in the air.  I look forward to the day when I know a person will always be by my side, for Sarah with me in my bed until five in the morning was an amazing treasure.  To have your wife always by your side when you sleep, could there be anything more wonderful?

Well, yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow will soon be today.  I wish time would slow down, just a little bit.

April 8, 1998 – Wednesday – 9:41 p.m.

Tuesday afternoon Sarah and I had a nice conversation down by Elk River.  We are slowly saying our goodbyes.  We simply shared a few droplets of our different oceans together.

Ann-Marie and I did a scene together tonight in front of the entire Performing Arts Department.  It was a little comedic sex scene from Lysistrata, but with out actual sex of course.  Everyone stood up and applauded when it was over.  Kinda weird.  We did the scene in the studio and not on the stage, so everyone was sitting on the studio floor.  Other scenes have been done that way, but I’ve never seen anyone get a standing ovation in the studio before.

Sarah got a trip out of it.

Last night the most amazing thing happened.  Curtis and I went to visit Sharon for I needed to return all of the Christmas decorations she let me borrow.  We stayed over and talked with Sharon and Laura for about an hour.  Then, when it was time for little Hannah’s bedtime, she let me go up with her and tuck her in.  I sat by her side and prayed with her.  And said goodnight and kissed her on her forehead.  It was completely awesome and will easily be one of my most treasured memories from my senior year.  It reminded me that there is a larger and more important life of parenting that awaits me after college.

Thanks God!

April 7, 1998 – Tuesday – 11:00 a.m.

My senior thesis on Titanic sank into the abyss of an erased disk last night.  I was totally upset, for I was almost finished with the dozens and dozens of pages I had been perfecting all semester. Sarah tried to comfort me, but instead ran off to Dairy Queen and didn’t even invite me.  Why am I with this girl who treats me like crap?  Why do I love her so much?

Anyway, I should be okay, but I talked to Doc and Steve and they are going to extend my deadline and allow me the time to rewrite everything.  Thank you God.

This is not my life, it is yours.  I’ll just show up and worship you.

Thirty-three days remain.

Oh Jesus, you are all I have.