I talked with Sharon tonight. Snow was in the air over Avery County this morning. I wasn’t there to see it. October 27th was the first snowfall of my last LMC winter. I didn’t realize how true that statement was when I wrote it nearly a year ago.
I’ve realized when I write these words in these spiral-bound books that they will never go away. All 13 books are in my sight at this moment. They sit on a shelf in my closet in front of me. They are a record of nearly the past six years of my life.
I put Christmas lights up in my room this evening, and it caused me to miss the wintery feel of Banner Elk so much. So, another day is closing. One of the final ones for Tammie and Jose in this land.
I turned in four copies of the first draft of “Eyebrows” to the school’s team of producers yesterday. They said I was the first of the final four to turn it in. They seemed pleased and impressed.
And so God moves me on. My memories fight with the present moment every day. My heart questions why we can’t go back, but it also longs to see what is ahead.
I have no one to really talk to here. I miss Vince and our deep talks to Counting Crows’ “August and Everything After.” We had a ritual. We would start with track four, “Perfect Blue Buildings,” and play it through to the end. We would turn off the lights and stare up at his glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling, most of which were placed there by Laura, and we’d talk of God, love, and beauty until the midnight hour.
I miss Dan and I pondering over the questions of life while playing “Tetris 2” on the Super Nintendo.
I miss riding in Curtis’ car and staring out the window in deep thought. He’s always ask me what was on my mind. I’d always tell him. I felt listened to.
I miss Allen disagreeing with my way of thinking. He’d ask my advice and then go do the opposite. But somehow it still made me feel loved by him.
And I miss Charlie, the one I’ve known the longest.
But God needs me elsewhere. His breath is blowing me forward. So, I continue and I do this not for me, for all I want is heaven, but God asks me to wait and spend more time with his creation first.
I cannot argue with that. So that is what I will do.
But how can I live in today when I long for the past? How can I make new friends when all I want are my old ones? How can I help save others from a world I can’t admit I’m in?
Why did you make me this way God? To find comfort in asking questions and not needing the answers. Is that what faith is? I don’t need the answers Lord, I just need to know you are listening.
I miss you. I miss the eyes I’ve never seen. You comfort me more than my memories and my Teddy Bear from Tenielle. I want to hold you instead as I fall asleep. Be with me tonight sweet Jesus, and take me to be with you. I want to awake in heaven, but if I’m here tomorrow, I will laugh and play in your love.
Heaven feels closer tonight.
How perfect your grace is.