April 5, 1998 – Sunday – 7:30 p.m.

I now reside in a red chair in the last row of the waiting area for gate C36 at the Atlanta International Airport.  My 7:40 flight was cancelled, so I will not depart until 9:20 p.m.

My flight from Tampa to Atlanta was on the largest plane I’ve ever been on.  I sat one seat across from Rob, who was also at the leadership camp.  Carla, Curtis’ childhood friend who still lives in Atlanta, met up with the both of us and we had a nice little meal.  Rob went on to fly to Raleigh-Durham, and Carla and I just sat and talked about Curtis.  She eventually had to leave to go have dinner with her dad.

So, I am now in my solitude.

I tried to call Sarah from a pay phone, but she wasn’t in.

So, now I have adequate time to reflect.  The sun is setting directly to my left.  I am facing north.  Huge airplanes reside out the window, all preparing to take lovers to loved ones, or even lovers away from loved ones.

This place has grown empty.  Not too many people are around me now.

While still at the Tampa airport, I spent two hours talking with Joel and Carlee.  They were both at the camp as well.  Carlee had been on six mission trips and said the experience completely changes you.  That excited and scared me, for I simply don’t know what is to become of Sarah and I, so what if this summer really does change me?

I read an article in CCM about Margaret Becker.  She spoke of seeing life as a process, as a journey of the soul into the mystery of God.

She said, “The mystery of this love relationship, not the final destination, is the bottom line.”

The mystery is the point, the whole point.  At least I think that’s what she’s trying to say.

Another thing I learned from the article is that to be totally free is to not be burdened by tomorrow.

She also said, “I’m so tired of trying to define a love affair with words.  Our language is not up to the task.  So why are we even trying?  Let’s just talk about whatever glimpse of passion that each moment is, and let’s just hope to God that within that huge ocean, He’ll take a droplet out that makes sense to everybody…”

It’ll take me my whole life to drink that ocean, perhaps even to consume that droplet.

“God must have a great sense of humor.  He delights in contradictions.  The weak really are the strong.  The last shall be first.  The meek shall inherit the earth.  The list goes on and on.  One needs only to accept God’s absolute control to find absolute freedom.  To accept the poverty of our humanness is to enjoy the riches found therein.”

The sun has set, for only an orange haze remains at the horizon.

I’ve been selfish with my life.  See, I called it mine.  I’ve been selfish with His life.  Every step I have is because of Him.  Every joy of life is because of Him.

Sarah is because of Him.

Oh God, I want you and nothing else.

April 4, 1998 – Saturday – 3:00 p.m.

This has been a very different day so far.  I have never met any of these 60 other people before, but each one, in one way or another, resembles someone I have come across before.  It makes me wonder how many others out there are very similar to me.

I am learning though.  I’m learning how to be a better leader.  If I do lead a team this summer, it’ll be a great learning experience and easily help me in other areas of life.

Life.  Crazy.  It will change so much as it continues on.  There are so many people on this planet.  We can’t all be that different.  I am just one of them.

I read something today that really opened my eyes:  Romans 14.

Who am I to pass judgement on another one of my Lord’s servants?  He has given them different duties and a very different way of handling matters than He has given me.  I must be responsible for what I know, and focus less on what others don’t know.  I simply have to do my work for Him, for no one else can do what I must do.

Sure, I am special, important, and unique, but the real truth is that everyone else around me is as well.  And I should focus my efforts making them feel that way, and less time on proclaiming myself as such.

We all want to belong, yet we also want others to see us as unique.

We are all alike.  We are all different.

April 3, 1998 – Friday – 11:20 p.m.

This is kinda crazy.  First of all, last night Sarah and Jessi and I walked to the nearby park, the one Sarah and I walked to on the 10th of December back in 1997.  I asked her if she remembered this place and she said “Yes,” and this kissed me and whispered “I love you” in my ear.

We had a nice time, just being the three of us.  I miss them right now.  We got cold up on the jungle gym so we snuggled up together.  I was squeezed in-between those two beautiful girls.  It was nice.  The evening represented all I want in life: kind words, sweet kisses, and the warmth of a beautiful woman.

Sarah forgot that I was going away for the weekend.  She looked sad when I told her I was going to be gone.

I left with Curtis and Ellen at 8:00 a.m. this morning.  They took me to the Tri-Cities airport in Tennessee.  My first flight was cancelled, but I was booked on another flight three hours later.  During the wait, I had a cream cheese bagel and a cup of hot cocoa.

The flying was fun.  I flew to Charlotte, then down to Tampa, where a young man named Mark was waiting for me.  I met up with some other Teen Mania people.  One guy was even from Johnson City, another who went to Avery High School, and another girl from L.A.

The time here so far has been cool, but my stomach feels terrible.  They also never gave me a list of what I was supposed to bring, so I’m down here without a sleeping bag or pillow.  We’ll see how this turns out.  But thank God…I give all this to you.

Oh, and I’ve discovered that traveling is wonderful, especially when you know you have a home to go back to.  Maybe that’s why this earth seems so amazing to me, because I’m just traveling through, awaiting my return to Heaven.

Tomorrow is a brand new day!

March 30, 1998 – Monday – 4:00 p.m.

This month is nearly over.

I talked to Sarah on Saturday.  I asked her if this is what she wanted, for us not to be together.  She said that she wasn’t sure for the longest time and finally she prayed and gave it all up to God.  The day she did was the day that I came to her to let her go.

We both felt this was right and was supposed to happen.  We held each other and told each other not to forget how much they were loved.  I asked if it would be wrong if I kissed her goodbye.  Thankful, she said it wasn’t.

I kissed her.  We both cried and then I left.  Sunday was spent at church and with Sharon and family.  We drove around on the Blue Ridge Parkway, ate ice cream and pizza and visited a lake.  It was a fantastic time.  Lindy and I hung out with each other that night and I called Sarah just to say hi.  She said she wasn’t doing really well, but she didn’t tell me why.

Today she came into the computer lab while I was working in there and rather than talking across the room, we just emailed each other back and forth.  I think she was able to better express herself through writing and without having to look at me.  She said she was just sad because she misses me.

I miss her.

Through writing emails, we decided to meet out in the hallway and find an empty classroom.  Once there we just held each other, and, with tear-filled eyes, she kissed me passionately.

I love her.

I think we plan on talking later tonight.

Oh God.  I want you to always be first in my life.

Can she be second?