February 14, 1998 – Saturday – 12:08 p.m.

All of my boys were just in here: Vince, Curtis, Dan, Allen, Josh, Justin, and Alex.  We had a hugging party for Valentine’s Day.  And then they all left to go to lunch, but I stayed behind since I’m taking Sarah out to eat for the special day.

February is half over.  The days are vanishing, but I know I am alive in each one.  God is with me in each step I take, I have wonderful guy friends, wonderful gal friends, and one very special girlfriend.

How could I ask for more?

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February 13, 1998 – Friday – 6:00 p.m.

I got a call from Elinor at Regent University yesterday.  I’ve been accepted!  Thank you God!

I bought Sarah a funny Valentine’s Day card, plus three roses, and I put them in her room tonight while she was at a Highlanders’ Performance.  I hope she likes it.

The past couple of days have been relaxing and peaceful.  Rehearsals have been easy and last night we had our costume parade.  I had to stand in front of the whole cast and crew, under the bright stage lights, with nothing but a sheet around my waist.

After the rehearsal I went to Sarah’s room, and she just looked at me from across the room.

“What?” I asked.

“Well…you have a nice body, skinny boy.”  And she looked at me in such a way, and gave me a grin in such a way, that said, “Why didn’t you tell me you were so sexy underneath your clothes.”

I was obviously surprised.  I just view myself as a tall, skinny, lanky, awkward dude.

“Really?” I offered back.  “No one’s ever told me that before.”

And then I kissed her.

Our relationship has grown so much.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God.  Thank you Holy Spirit.

Elizabeth has become a really awesome friend.  We’ve begun to share our hearts with one another.  Thank you for her too Lord.

Life and love are all about giving.  It’s as simple as that.  Give all that you have.  Hold nothing for yourself.

When you live for yourself, you become lonely and cold.  Give your life away to everyone around you, and you will find yourself never lacking in joy and peace.

I guess this means I’ll have to give Lees-McRae away as well.

And in order to keep Sarah, I’ll have to give her away too.

 

February 9, 1998 – Monday – 3:30 p.m.

So, for the show, my director wanted me to look a bit like the character in the movie version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, which means he wanted me to dye my hair red and get a perm.  I did, it was done last night and everyone likes it, or they are all lying to me, but at least to my face they say it looks pretty hip.  Sarah hasn’t seen it yet.

I talked to a Teen Mania representative and they want me to be in Bradenton, FL on April 3-5.  I have to fly down there.  I’ll go, wait on the Lord, and see what happens.

The show opens in a bit over a week.  On the following weekend, I’m going to South Carolina for an Acquire the Fire youth convention.  My One-Act will open the following weekend, and then it’s Spring Break starting on the following Friday.  We haven’t made any Spring Break plans yet, so I don’t know what that week holds for me.

A couple of weeks later I’ll be in Florida and then it’ll be close to a month before graduation.

Dan and Abigail are becoming an item now.  It’s kind of cute, but kind of weird.  But it also makes me happy nonetheless.

And Sarah and I are good.  I love her so much.

Thanks God for all you have given me.  Thanks for the weeks and months ahead.  You are everything in my life.  I adore you.

February 7, 1998 – Saturday – 6:10 p.m.

Oh man! The beginning hours of February 7, 1998 were so amazing.

Sarah and I began a phone conversation at one in the morning and we didn’t hang up until four o’clock.  We had the best time!  I told her things about me that not many people know.  I told her about two Florida girls, Syndi and my pen pal Emily.

I just read my May 8, 1995 entry, the one about Syndi and I under the waterfall, and because I was so young and so scared, I didn’t even reveal the full events of that evening to the pages of my journal.  That entry is missing a great deal.  Maybe it’s just retrospect, the me of now looking back on the me of then, that was needed for the truth of that night to be revealed to me.

Either way, early this morning, I told Sarah, my girlfriend, the story of Syndi and the story of why I broke up with Jeni.  The truth is I had begun to hate how physical my relationship with Jeni had become.  We never had sex, but I just felt like a dirty slimy dog of a pervert because I began to care more about where I could touch her with my hands than I did the quality of our conversations.

I then told Sarah how I had only known Syndi for two weeks prior to our May 7th, 1995 escapade and how wild it was for me to be around her because, well…because Syndi had (and I’m sure she still has) beautiful, large, firm, gravity-defying breasts that simply demanded male eye-contact.  It was wild to be with her because I was used to Jeni, who was relatively flat-chested.  So, for me to be lying under a blanket of stars, beneath a beautiful waterfall, next to the most well-endowed girl I had even known, who kept saying she was cold, well…I began to pray.  If I felt like a slimy dog with flat-chested Jeni, how would I be if I was holding the insanely curvy Syndi?  I feared I wouldn’t be able to control my hands or my whole self.

And, of course, I went on to tell Sarah about how after I offered to hold Syndi to keep her warm, she began talking about sex.  Now I left this part out of my 1995 entry, but Syndi talked for a while about sex with her ex-boyfriend, and then she eventually said with a whisper, “Jacob, are you going to wait until you are married to have sex?”

With her breasts against my chest, I said, half giving up and half begging for mercy, “Well, that’s the way I had planned it.”

And I don’t know how much time had passed.  It could have been a second.  It could have been a minute.  But eventually Syndi said, “Well, I guess we better go then.”

I have since concluded that God used that night, that beautiful girl, and that cleansing waterfall to purify me, and show me that I was not a slimy dirty dog, but a man who loved and respected women.

Sarah and I had a good laugh, mainly because I’m somewhat of a Christian leader on campus and not viewed as one who would talk so openly about my love of breasts to my own girlfriend.  When trying to explain the shape of Syndi’s body to Sarah, I said, “Well, let’s just say, she’s is closer to your neck of the woods.”  Sarah laughed forever.

It was then I told my girlfriend that I greatly enjoy her.  I love to look at her.  I love to hold her.  I think she has a beautiful body, an amazing face, and I find her very sexy and pleasing to look at.  Our physical relationship is not a very big one, but I enjoy it greatly.

She thanked me for telling her that.

We continued talking and she told me some of her stories.  I also gave her a brief summary of Emily and I and even read some of Emily’s old letters to her.

She then told me that for the first time in a relationship, she was not jealous of the other girls in her man’s life.  Then she started crying.  And she said it felt so good not to have that burden.

I told her she has no reason to be jealous of the girls of yesterday, for they have helped make me who I am today, the me that loves her.  I owe them so much for that.

Sarah is in the picture below; it was taken during a performance of the Christmas Concert.

Can you find her?  She is the beautiful one.

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February 4, 1998 – Wednesday – 2:09 p.m.

Wow!  I just got off the phone with Elinor from Regent University.  We had an awesome time!  She even prayed for me.  I’m going there!  I’m sure of it! I’ve been sure of it for a long time.  We talked so much about film and ministry and everything.

In Radio/TV/Film class the other day I had a mock film audition and Doc said I was a natural.  Other people evidently saw the audition somehow and have been complimenting me on it.  Emily even stopped me just to say I did an amazing job.  Others have started calling me “Film Boy.”

I want to make movies so badly.  I want to learn this craft, to tell stories, to be used by God.  I just want to sit at his table and consume every good thing he has for me.

I’m reaching the point where I don’t want to be with Sarah anymore.  I’m going to give it some more time, but I don’t have much time left.  I need to spend that time being me with my true friends, and not just sitting around waiting for my girlfriend, who never seems to come by or call me.

February 2, 1998 – Monday – 3:07 p.m.

Jessi and I set up a surprise birthday party for Sarah last night.  Thirty people or more showed up!  It was so awesome.  She didn’t expect a thing.  We had the best time in the world; it was truly a memorable night.

Sarah and I sure do make a weird couple, but I believe God is doing his work.

Thank you Jesus.

All of the snow is still around.  They are calling for more tomorrow.

Cuckoo’s Nest is going to be an amazing show.  I’m so thankful for my role.

All is well.

God is good.

Life is fantastic.

I’m just living, waiting to fly.

January 24, 1998 – Saturday – 1:07 a.m.

Oh Thursday night Sarah came over here.  Well actually it was more like early Friday morning.  We just held each other and kissed for about an hour.  It was one of the most beautiful hours I’ve ever known.  She is so amazing, so funny, so beautiful.

As I held her I studied her face with my eyes and fingers.  So perfect.

Oh God, have your will with us.  Thank you so much for this relationship.  These past two months with her have been so amazing.  I give you all the glory!