May 24, 2001 – Thursday – 10:30 a.m.

Two days left. Holy cow. I’m in Florida. Vince, Allen, Jessica, Lindy, Natalie, and Tracey are here. Dan, Abigail, Chris, Ashley, and Ellen are on their way.

Vince is pretty overwhelmed. I’m glad I had my time with him on the drive up from Miami.

It’s hard to know what to write. Anna’s world just combined with Banner Elk, so this is a huge moment. Everyone just left for the beach, but I’m waiting for Anna. She is the one I love.

There is much I don’t have in this world, but I do have good friends. How could I ask for more?

I am a free man. I’m marrying a beautiful woman I love. Jesus has saved my soul, and I have good friends. Keep us all safe Lord, and may we grow old together and share the gift of life with each other for as long as we can.

I love you God.

April 18, 2001 – Wednesday – 7:46 p.m.

I went to a funeral today. It was my job to video it. Her name was Megan. She was 16-years-old. We went to church together at Forefront, but I did not know her. I did know her dad, and this was simply tragic. She died in a single car accident as she headed home.

I take Anna to Banner Elk tomorrow. We will return on Sunday. Only Lindy, Dan, and Tracey will be there, but we’ll have a good time nonetheless.

The next month holds a great deal. It is the beginning and ending of everything. It feels like life is dying every day.

Heaven must be something grand, for down here I am losing myself down here in my everydayness. From what the scriptures tell me, there are no days in heaven. That is what I long for; just Jesus and I for eternity.

I miss you Jesus.

I am waiting for you.

December 1, 2020 – Friday – 9:05 p.m.

I’ve been back in the area for four days, and I am now listening to the music that filled my summer as I drove back and forth to Acoustic Works: Enter the Worship Circle.

. . .

As of right now I am tempted to write about a girl, but I will not. I do not want to over-analyze or curse these amazing days because of what I might write down on these lined pages. Time will simply speak for itself, and my own memory will suffice for my time spent with this beautiful girl.

But do allow me to jot down some nice thoughts and images about the things we have shared.

Cobblestone streets, historic strolls, a mysterious portal into China’s ancient past, a frozen floating rocket, rejection from holiday lights at the beach, my singing of a Little Mermaid song into the acoustical corner of a female restroom lobby, swing dancing in my bedroom, and endless abundant laughter.

I thank you for all these sweet days Jesus.

. . .

I drove with Kerstin today to pick up Chris from the Raleigh/Durham airport down in North Carolina. It was good to see him.

It’s the last month of the year.

I have no idea what is next.

I guess that is a perfect place to be.

September 26, 2000 – Tuesday – 9:52 p.m.

Each day is somehow filled with making movies. I love what I do for Forefront, it’s hard to even call it work. It’s absolutely wonderful.

I leave for Grundy, VA tomorrow. It is very close to Kentucky, a state that I haven’t visited since September of ’97 I believe. Hopefully we’ll cross the state line.

Life is rather simple in these flat, coastal lands. I just kind of go with the flow of everything, knowing I own nothing, and nothing lasts forever save the love of God.

The air was much cooler today. It was lovely. And I’ve discovered a new artist, singer/songwriter Dar Williams. I bought her latest album today.

As September ends I’ll be in a part of the Appalachian Mountains I’ve never been in before. It’s difficult to describe the freedom I’ve been experiencing these days. There simply a beauty in the everydayness.

Jesus is revealing new truths to me about humanity, and what is truly important.

I thank him for that.

September 1, 2000 – Friday – 4:00 p.m.

I left after work last night and arrived here just before midnight.  So, ‘August and everything after’ actually begins here in Banner Elk.  Perfect.

Curtis and Megan and I stayed here in Dan’s new place.  I’m here now, just chillin’ and listening to Caedmon’s Call.

Mason and Marisa are back up here for school.  I went to visit Mason after Dan, Curtis, Allen and I went to Johnson City, TN to pick up our Tuxedos.  It was a fun little trip down the mountain.  I do love my friends.

While in Mason’s room I called Sarah, yes my old Sarah.  She came over and we found the time to go for a walk before she had to be in Highlanders.

The things we both said were beautiful.  She apologized.  I apologized.  We talked about rainbows.  I felt my heart beating loudly inside me.  I haven’t felt that in a very long time.  My eyes never left her as she performed during Highlanders.  Oh God, don’t let me get too weird while I’m here for this wedding.  You are changing Sarah, and I don’t want to get in the way.

The morning was spent with Dan’s family in a cottage near a place where I used to walk. I feel reborn.  I feel different.  I feel changed.  Thank you Jesus for this new beginning and may we do it again tomorrow.

Be with Sarah.  If it is your will, allow us to go for another walk again tonight.

Thank you for this weekend Jesus.  I love your forgiveness and salvation.

August 12, 2000 – Saturday – 7:00 p.m.

I have five days left to be 23.  Dan and Abigail marry each other in three weeks.  I met with the ministers of Forefront, and they want to work with me concerning Dang! and perhaps other future projects.  After returning from a men’s prayer breakfast with Forefront folks, I finished reading The Hobbit this morning.  I saw Kimberly today at her bookstore.  She recently got a haircut and looked beautiful.

I look at the map on my mall and all the pins placed in it representing all the places I’ve been.  Are all the pins there God?  Did I miss out on anything He wanted to show me?  I feel as though I miss whatever I didn’t experience, or didn’t take the time to notice.

I love you Jesus.  Thank you for this time in my life.  Sometime the thought of Marie not wanting to be my friend comes back to me, and it hurts my heart so.

How joyful it is when I get a phone call from someone who wants to talk to me.  All my friends are married, and now I fear my calls turns into interruptions.

Jesus, your love is all I own.  I see that now.  Friends, family, passions,…they all fade away.

You are my final destination.

You are my process.

You are my end and my beginning.

I found my creator.

August 4, 2000 – Friday – 11:45 a.m.

I’m sitting on a slanted picnic table in a park near the Library and Community Center of Sterling, Virginia.  I left at 7:30 this morning to drive up here, because someone associated with a sister company of Acoustic Works is going to train me on Dreamweaver.

My meeting isn’t until 1:00 p.m., but I left early just to spend some time alone in a new town.  Three kids are playing loudly on the playground near me.  I’m glad they are happy.

I received Dan and Abigail’s wedding invitation in the mail.  It makes me both happy and sad.  Only Vince and I have yet to get married, and he is in Bolivia.

After Dan and Abigail’s wedding, I wonder if I should stop visiting Banner Elk.  I can so easily get stuck in the past.  It may be better for me to not see that land for a while.

. . .

I’ve sat here in silence for a while now.  I fear I have a broken heart.  I feel Jeni, Sarah, Emily, and Marie have each broken it in their own slight way.  But most of all, I feel I have broken it as well.

An older woman just brought two little blonde girls down to the playground, but then she turned around and walked away after she saw three Black kids playing on it.  And now the two white girls are sad and asking a bunch of questions.  They don’t understand why they can’t play.

Such a sight makes me so thankful I grew up with Marcus, Danny, and Peter.  And that I even had a Black youth pastor for a while.

Life seems to get harder as I grow older.  As a child, I would have never noticed the subtle racism I just experienced.

Jesus, you are my savior.  Am I living fully in your salvation?  Am I accepting all your mercy and forgiveness?  All I want is you.

When it comes down to it, I just want that treehouse covered in snow with the Braveheart soundtrack in my ear.  I want you all around me like that.

Can I have that everyday?

I just realized this is my second time in Sterling, VA.  The first time was with Rachel’s mom when she brought me up to Chrysalis in 1997.  In fact, that was exactly three years ago, for I remember it was in early August.

Is there any love left in me?

It feels like I’m losing all my friends.  I can never have Banner Elk and Lees-McRae again, so I should stop looking and waiting for it.

Do you still have a plan for me God?

Thank you for the leaf that just floated down and sat next to me.  I want more quiet moments alone with you.

Please don’t send me a girl if she’ll only distract me from you, or if I’ll distract her from you as well.  Too many hearts have been bruised.  I want to give all of my heart to you.

July 26, 2000 – Wednesday – 12:05 p.m.

I’m at the Chesapeake Square Mall food court next to the fountain and palm trees.  It’s my lunch break.  Trey and I watched Magnolia last night on video.  I didn’t get to bed until 3:30 this morning.

I also came to this spot yesterday to attempt to plot out my next script.  It seems to be getting very big.

There’s an older gentleman in front and to the left of me that seems to be people watching.

July is ending.  I don’t know what this month held except for my job at Acoustic Works and a trip to West Virginia.  I did spend a great deal of time editing Dang! with Trey, and playing Zelda 64.  And of course I found a new church.

August, the month of change, is on its way, but again it seems only my age will change this year.

I’m in my third year here in the Hampton Roads area.  It feels like it’s been so much longer.  I think my inner man has changed, that I got burned out on the normal way of church, and I just don’t want to play “church games” anymore, to be honest.

There’s a little girl with glasses throwing coins into the fountain.  What could she be wishing for?

I hope I’m able to redirect America’s hope to God’s endless waterfall of grace, and away from man-made fountains.

Oh God, have your way with me.  I am broken.  Yet I am also forgiven.  And I forgive as well.

It’s been raining here for the past three days.  I rather enjoy it, but I can tell it has been taking its toll on all people surrounding me.

I don’t know how much longer I’ll stay here.  Here in this job and here in this corner of Virginia.  I’ll do my best to take it one day at a time.

Jesus, your love is all I own.

June 4, 2000 – Sunday – 10:30 p.m.

Whew…life!

I miss Marie.

Good things are happening, but I do feel separated from Regent University and from my film Dang!.

Townley, Andy, Jean, and I had a great trip to D.C. this past week.  I really got the chance to talk with them about Jesus.  Jean is a Christian, but she is sad because her husband Chad isn’t very affectionate toward her.  I know how she feels.  Marie isn’t terribly affectionate towards me either.

I helped the team put the Glo-Cycling package together up at Langley Air Force Base.  It starts tomorrow.  The means I be spending half the week cycling and getting paid for it.

It is all a bit odd to me.  I’m surrounded by people desperately trying to make a buck and I’m just not passionate about money.  Sure I need it, and I’m very much in debt, but what is most important to me are spiritual matters, matters of the heart.  These people at work are successful, but I feel they are losing their souls in the process.

I went to Rob and Mary Jo’s wedding on Saturday.  It was the most beautiful and Christlike wedding that I’ve ever attended.  I see more and more each day how the only thing that matters is Jesus.  Forgive me God for my apathy.

Jean is selling her house.  It is in a fine neighborhood only ten minutes from downtown Norfolk.  It’s small, I’ve wondered if I should buy it; I don’t know, I’ve also been thinking about building a log cabin out in rural Chesapeake or Suffolk.  I have exactly one year until I’m through with my movie and my thesis.  I will graduate and have to move out of the Regent apartments.  I really don’t want to pay rent again.  Please reveal your will to me oh God.

It is a beautiful and cool night.  I have an interesting job.  There is a girl I dearly love in New Jersey.  This evening I had some fantastic barbecue with the Acoustic Works Xtreme Fitness team.  In less than a month it will have been two years since I moved here.  Hmmm…life.

May 26, 2000 – Friday – 6:36 p.m.

It has been seven months since that perfect night in Currituck with beautiful Marie.

Dan is in front of me playing Tetris 2.  Marie and I talked over the phone last night.  She is having a good time in New Jersey.  She doesn’t seem to be missing me.  That is a good thing I guess.  She is in the world she knows best.  I am in the corporate world I know not of.

. . .

It is a little later on this Friday night now.  I just got off the phone with Marie.  She called while I was writing earlier.  Part of me feels like she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me anymore.  I think she’s going to run away.

I just pray that you guide her God.  If you want her to go, then please let it happen.  We’ve had some good times, but perhaps I am not the best fit for her.  The last thing I want is to be a burden to her.

I’d give the world to be home tonight.  I just don’t know where that is.

Dan is still playing Tetris 2.

I am in a place I’ve never been.

Words.

Oh God, it feels like that is all I have.  Just these words on these pages.

I’d rather have you Jesus.

Feels like much is on my heart.

But I’ve got nothing to say.