April 19, 1998 – Sunday – 8:30 p.m.

I have three weeks left.

Twenty-one days.

Only twenty-one days of nearly four years of time.

Today has been a good day.  I led junior worship today and gave the kids a little sermon on inner beauty.  Jimmy Heaton took Josh and I out to eat at Poppy’s Barbecue.  It was really yummy.  I came back to my room, prayed for a while, and then took an amazing nap.  I ate dinner then went to church where Charlie spoke on doubting Thomas.

He said that when Jesus appeared to him in His glorified body, he still had scars.  He went straight to Heaven with scars and His scars cause Thomas to believe.  I have scars; none that are really big, but I have them nonetheless.  The Bible doesn’t hard the scars of it’s realistic characters, so why should I?  God wants to use my scars for his glory.

Wow!

The time has come for me to move on and I am excited.  I am going to live and see what else is out there.

I just read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and here is my favorite part:

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.  I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live.  I rejoice in life for it’s own sake.  Life is no brief candle to me.  Its a sort of splendid torch which I’ve got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it off to future generations.

To stand a hold a huge torch, a massive burning flame, for Jesus Christ!

My senior thesis on Titanic is nearly complete.  I have concluded that the reason it has made more than a billion dollars worldwide is because it simply demands to be seen.  It has all the right ingredients and basically has a huge sign around it’s neck that screams, “Come look at me and see what I can do!”

And we all did.  We went and saw it three or four times.

So in my life, in this precious gift given only by God, I am going to demand in a subliminal and mesmerizing way, for this world to look at me, but not to find me, to only find Jesus.

So, I’m moving on.  I said I was going to fly at Lees-McRae, and compared to high school, it’s obvious to me that I have.

Now comes the time to fly higher, to make the world see Jesus, to not hide my scars, but to use them to help others believe.  Jesus is truly all I have, and, thankfully, he’s all I need.

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February 16, 1998 – Monday – 1:19 a.m.

Sarah and I had a wonderful Valentine’s Day lunch, and then we had a super long rehearsal together that night.

Valentine’s Day is actually a great day when you have a special girl to share it with.

But as of right now, I just got back from the hospital, for Sarah got kicked in the head during rehearsal tonight.  It was really bad, but she should be okay.  I’ve been there with her for the past two hours.

I’m so sleepy.  Hard to write right now.

All I know is that I love Sarah.

And I love Jesus.

 

February 13, 1998 – Friday – 6:00 p.m.

I got a call from Elinor at Regent University yesterday.  I’ve been accepted!  Thank you God!

I bought Sarah a funny Valentine’s Day card, plus three roses, and I put them in her room tonight while she was at a Highlanders’ Performance.  I hope she likes it.

The past couple of days have been relaxing and peaceful.  Rehearsals have been easy and last night we had our costume parade.  I had to stand in front of the whole cast and crew, under the bright stage lights, with nothing but a sheet around my waist.

After the rehearsal I went to Sarah’s room, and she just looked at me from across the room.

“What?” I asked.

“Well…you have a nice body, skinny boy.”  And she looked at me in such a way, and gave me a grin in such a way, that said, “Why didn’t you tell me you were so sexy underneath your clothes.”

I was obviously surprised.  I just view myself as a tall, skinny, lanky, awkward dude.

“Really?” I offered back.  “No one’s ever told me that before.”

And then I kissed her.

Our relationship has grown so much.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God.  Thank you Holy Spirit.

Elizabeth has become a really awesome friend.  We’ve begun to share our hearts with one another.  Thank you for her too Lord.

Life and love are all about giving.  It’s as simple as that.  Give all that you have.  Hold nothing for yourself.

When you live for yourself, you become lonely and cold.  Give your life away to everyone around you, and you will find yourself never lacking in joy and peace.

I guess this means I’ll have to give Lees-McRae away as well.

And in order to keep Sarah, I’ll have to give her away too.

 

February 2, 1998 – Monday – 3:07 p.m.

Jessi and I set up a surprise birthday party for Sarah last night.  Thirty people or more showed up!  It was so awesome.  She didn’t expect a thing.  We had the best time in the world; it was truly a memorable night.

Sarah and I sure do make a weird couple, but I believe God is doing his work.

Thank you Jesus.

All of the snow is still around.  They are calling for more tomorrow.

Cuckoo’s Nest is going to be an amazing show.  I’m so thankful for my role.

All is well.

God is good.

Life is fantastic.

I’m just living, waiting to fly.

January 6, 1998 – Tuesday – 12:52 p.m.

Mom and I decided that we are going to leave on Friday since she needs to go clean the church Saturday morning.  So I have only two and a half days left here then four months at Lees-McRae.

Four months used to feel like a long time.

I’ve kind of been doubting how Sarah feels about me recently, but love is not about receiving.  It is about giving; giving until you are the lowest of the low.

We will see what the next four months hold for us, but no matter what I must keep getting closer to God.  No one must ever come before him.

This has been a pretty nice visit back to this ancient place.  By coming here and talking with many people and by listening to what others have said to me, I have come to the conclusion that there are not many others like me in the world.  This was kind of news to me, but I guess one easily assumes that everyone else sees the world like they do, but those both older and younger than me have told me that I think and see differently.

Maybe the reason they see this in me and feel the need to tell me is simply because I am not of this world.  Jesus says I am from a different kingdom.

It’s very difficult living this way, but also very easy for I truly do feel alive.  Thank you God for being who you are.

Since I’m going back to school a little earlier than I had planned, I will have some time alone.  But soon after, Cuckoo’s Nest rehearsals will be in full swing.  I’ll also be directing a one-act called Next by Terrence McNally.  I think Mason will be in it.

If I get the Teen-Mania position for the summer, I’ll have to raise money.  And I might have to find my way to Virginia Beach and Regent University this semester for some interviews.

I give it all to you God.

January 1, 1998 – Thursday – 2:30 p.m.

Man cannot walk on water.  That is impossible; at least in man’s eye.  But Jesus did it, and not only Jesus, but Peter too.

If Peter had enough faith to walk on water, then why can’t I fly?

The people of this world, of these cities, these town, they are only content with walking, with standing, with sitting.

But I know I have wings inside me.  I can feel them every day.  Do I only have to believe? But I do believe!  I believe I can fly higher, higher in love, higher in worship, higher in health.

Yet the people who like to sit around want to shoot me down, but I can’t and won’t let them ruin me.

I have to fly.

I have to use my wings or I will die!

December 17, 1997 – Wednesday – 8:30 p.m.

Nearly a week until Christmas and this is the final evening of my seventh semester at Lees-McRae college.  The fall semester of 1997 is almost over.

I spent some time last night with Abigail.  I told her the whole Sarah story and she shared some more with me about K.C.  She thanked me for sharing stuff like that with her.  What a good friend I have in her.  Thank you God for healing us.

And most of this afternoon and evening was spent with Sarah.  After she packed I held her in her bed.  She fell asleep, but I just kept watching her, touching her face and neck as she slept and made little snoring noises.

She is so beautiful.

She left this evening.  Just now, before I started writing, as a matter of fact.  We plan to see each other over the holidays.  I can’t wait!

This has been an amazing semester.  There were many great and favorite moments:

– Laughing with Dan and Sherlive about the blue hole thing

– Midnight bowling in Savannah and scoring a 224.

– The “Stand in the Gap” trip.

– Cantering with Bay Lady.

– A mute Abigail asking me to touch her face.

– Seeing “Masks” resurrected.

– Every minute of the Hilton Head Island trip

– November 22, 1997 and nearly every second since then when I was close to Sarah.

– And I can’t forget to mention, although I don’t think I ever wrote about it here in my journal, the time I held Sarah under a rainbow.

What a blessed semester this has been.  And I even had my own real Christmas tree!  I got to travel, direct and choreograph, act in a leading role again, and meet Sarah.

I have so much to love, so much to cherish, and it all comes back to Jesus.

Jesus, I love you so much.  Thank you for all you have given me.  You are my life.  You are my all.

Oh vast pursuing lover come.