February 18, 1998 – Wednesday – 9:30 a.m.

Oh man, I can’t believe this is happening.  Sarah and I are growing together so well.  I’m so in love with her.  And yet, this ship we are sailing on is sinking.

I’m beginning to notice so many little things about this beautiful world. The way the pink lemonade in the cafeteria pours out into my glass, the shape of the branches on the walk to back campus, the fog that settles in the valley.

I’m becoming more and more like Sarah every day and she is becoming more and more like me.  We both even have the same hair color now.  Guys on the hall thought I did it to look like her, but I told them it was for the show.

Oh, my Sarah is so beautiful and so soft.

The show opens tonight.  It’s great being in a show with her; to always have her around.

Last night I walked alone to the waterfall after midnight.  It was roaring so loudly.  It was so big and happy.  So happy to love, but it was also a bit afraid for those thousands of drops of water did not know where they were going.  But there was peace there as well.  God is leading the way.

Time is slipping away beneath me.  But I hardly even notice it.  For my eyes are filled with only three things these days:

My terrific friends.

My beautiful Sarah.

And the God who gave them both to me.

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February 16, 1998 – Monday – 1:19 a.m.

Sarah and I had a wonderful Valentine’s Day lunch, and then we had a super long rehearsal together that night.

Valentine’s Day is actually a great day when you have a special girl to share it with.

But as of right now, I just got back from the hospital, for Sarah got kicked in the head during rehearsal tonight.  It was really bad, but she should be okay.  I’ve been there with her for the past two hours.

I’m so sleepy.  Hard to write right now.

All I know is that I love Sarah.

And I love Jesus.

 

February 13, 1998 – Friday – 6:00 p.m.

I got a call from Elinor at Regent University yesterday.  I’ve been accepted!  Thank you God!

I bought Sarah a funny Valentine’s Day card, plus three roses, and I put them in her room tonight while she was at a Highlanders’ Performance.  I hope she likes it.

The past couple of days have been relaxing and peaceful.  Rehearsals have been easy and last night we had our costume parade.  I had to stand in front of the whole cast and crew, under the bright stage lights, with nothing but a sheet around my waist.

After the rehearsal I went to Sarah’s room, and she just looked at me from across the room.

“What?” I asked.

“Well…you have a nice body, skinny boy.”  And she looked at me in such a way, and gave me a grin in such a way, that said, “Why didn’t you tell me you were so sexy underneath your clothes.”

I was obviously surprised.  I just view myself as a tall, skinny, lanky, awkward dude.

“Really?” I offered back.  “No one’s ever told me that before.”

And then I kissed her.

Our relationship has grown so much.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you God.  Thank you Holy Spirit.

Elizabeth has become a really awesome friend.  We’ve begun to share our hearts with one another.  Thank you for her too Lord.

Life and love are all about giving.  It’s as simple as that.  Give all that you have.  Hold nothing for yourself.

When you live for yourself, you become lonely and cold.  Give your life away to everyone around you, and you will find yourself never lacking in joy and peace.

I guess this means I’ll have to give Lees-McRae away as well.

And in order to keep Sarah, I’ll have to give her away too.

 

January 29, 1998 – Thursday – 10:30 a.m.

That beautiful thick pure white snow that began Monday night didn’t stop until Wednesday afternoon.  The campus is drowning in three feet of snow.  Classes were cancelled for yesterday and today.  The National Guard is even up here trying to help out.  We’ve had no electricity for a day and a half.

Sarah twisted her ankle, but all seems to be okay.

The phones were down and I had my phone interview with Regent University scheduled for yesterday.  I knew they wouldn’t be able to reach me, so I walked around town until I found a phone that worked and asked them to call me next week.  I spoke to Elinor and she called me “sweetheart.”  She felt like a mother to me and she treated me with such care.  That place already feels like home.  There is no doubt that is where I’m supposed to be next.

Three months and 13 days.

I slept in Allen’s room last night, because there was no heat in McAlister.  We had a nice time; Lindy and Derek came to visit with us.

Sarah and I spent some time together yesterday evening.  We are so good for each other.  Yet it’s like we are a bird and a fish trying to find a place where we both can exist.  We’ll just have to wait and see how this story turns out.

So, here I am.  I’m surrounded in snow, surrounded in love, surrounded in memories.  I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to truly escape this place.  Part of me will linger here and part of it will linger in me for the rest of my days.  What a sweet time I’ve had here.  I wonder what it has done for me?  What if I accidentally went to the wrong school?  Is everyone’s college experience this good?  I don’t want to leave, but I also do.  I want to fulfill all that I am to fulfill.

And I want to leave this place for the simple fact that I know I will miss it.  And missing it will mean it truly mattered to me, that I was truly here; that I truly loved.

January 24, 1998 – Saturday – 6:17 p.m.

I saw Titanic again today.  Sarah wasn’t with me, but I went with Dan and Justin and they were amazed.

Sarah and I have been together for nearly three months and we seem to get closer and closer each day.  The time will come when I will have to go, but I know it won’t be without her.  I have found an amazing love with her.  Something that can never be broken.  She will always be in my heart, even if I love and marry another, she will still be there.

In a way though, I’m glad she came as my time at Lees-McRae is ending.  It has helped me love her.  Everything from my 21 years behind me has helped me love her.

It is so wonderful to love; so wonderful to give.

And I have so far to go.

January 22, 1998 – Thursday – 11:15 a.m.

My auditions were last night.  I had an amazing time.  So many talented girls came to audition, it was difficult to decide.

Also, Geana came and talked with me yesterday.  She is full of so many sad stories; she was raped when she was 17.  I talked and prayed with her.  She cried.  She is so focused on outer beauty and her body.  She condemns and insults herself all the time, and she uses sex to try and feel love.  My heart hurts for her.  Oh God, please visit with her and help her.

Lindy, Ann-Marie, and Abigail came to hang out with me yesterday evening and they stayed until one in the morning.  We had what we called a “tear party” for we all seemed pretty emotional, and God showed up in the sharing of our hearts.  Lindy shared about how she gave up her virginity in high school.  She said that guy now had something of hers that she could never get back.  She looked so sad, like she would do anything to remake that decision she made so long ago.  And because of that, she said she’s put up her guard and has been very careful about letting others love her.  She has done the same to God and I told her last night that she needs to let him love her to his fullest ability.  She cried.  I held her.  I cried.

I also spoke to them about how Geana said that all she wanted was to be sure that somebody loved her.  I shared that such a perspective confused me, for I now realize that God loves me way more that I will ever deserve, so I really have no right to ask for any more love from anyone.

Now for me to keep all of that love and not let it flow through me and give it away to others, that is the true tragedy.

I talked to Sarah from the time they left until 2:30 in the morning.  We had an amazing talk, she too shared so much with me.

I now think that there is nothing more difficult in life than being a girl.  And the thing that makes it most difficult for them are men, or boys, I guess I should say.

Sarah told me that she doesn’t think she’ll ever find anyone like me ever again.

Am I really that different?  Am I really that rare?  Are other guys my age spending most of their day talking with young women about the core of who they are?

I love you Lord!  Why are you so good to me?

January 13, 1998 – Tuesday – 1:01 p.m.

Earlier today while I was praying, and, for about a minute, I really missed my humble home in super small Mt. Vernon Springs.  It really surprised me.

Sarah and I talked over the phone last night at 3:00 in the morning.  I told her I felt I was a burden to her and I felt like she was just ignoring me, for I had spent time with her earlier but she hardly looked at me.  Although she loves me, I really don’t think she needs me.

But I remember asking God to teach me how to love and I think he is using Sarah to do so.  One thing for sure, God is definitely separating me from this place.

Abigail and Ann-Marie came back yesterday.  Abigail bought me my own copy of Hinds’ Feet on High Places.  I had to return Sarah’s copy to her.  I was so thankful to have my own copy.

Oh, Vince and Justin just came in to hang out.  I’m gonna chat with them!