December 4, 2000 – Monday – 4:00 p.m.

The events of the past weekend were extraordinary.

During the month of November, Anna and I were able to see a few movies together and go out to eat a bit. She also started coming to church and to my small group with me.

This past Tuesday we went to see Requiem for a Dream, then we took a walk along the cobblestone streets of Ghent in Norfolk. Thursday, after our small group, we tried to go see the Christmas lights at the beach, but we ended up just driving around since we arrived after it closed. That night I found myself serenading her with The Little Mermaid’s “Part of your World” in the lobby of a huge women’s restroom on campus. The acoustics were fantastic!

Saturday, after I went bowling with my Wednesday night group, I picked Anna up and we went to see The Grinch. Then we bought some hot cocoa and ended up under a blanket on wooden lookout in the Mackie Island National Wildlife Refuge across the state line in North Carolina. We just sat there and snuggled for hours until a police officer came and nearly arrested us for trespassing. That night ended with us barely being able to let go of each other at her apartment door.

Yesterday, Sunday, I went over to her apartment, and we just snuggled, and talked, and kissed, and adored each other for five straight hours.

We don’t know how this happened, but it did. I stand completely in awe. I’m amazed at the way she sees me, the way she holds me, the way she touches me. There is hardly anything to say, hardly anything to write, for we simply are. I can’t explain it. I met her nearly a year ago when she first arrived. She’s been walking around Regent this entire time, but we just now found each other.

“Spill-tained pages of poetic prophecy

tickle my interest and taunt at my fantasy

gentle new lover, favorite friend

with hidden desire that bothers my

conscience again.”

So here I am. Snow fell on warm hearts last night. The frozen morning melted away but our hearts and lips are still intact. Frozen forever by winter. Forever captured in sight.

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October 20, 2000 – Friday – 6:07 p.m.

Much has happened. Rosie is in a box, stuck to a sticky mousetrap pad, in a garbage bag, in a garbage can, outside the Regent Village. She escaped while I was cleaning her cage and it took Dan and I two days to catch her through a horrible ordeal. I just couldn’t have a huge rat roaming free, so I eventually trapped her, and well, Rosie is gone. Still alive at the moment, but gone nevertheless. Those “humane” rat traps aren’t very humane at all.

Our first college age small group was last night and that cute girl I’ve been noticing showed up. Now I can’t get her out of my head. I contemplated calling her up and asking her to do something, but I’m pretty sure I’ll chicken out. Ugh!

The footage from The Accuser came back and it looks fantastic!

Okay God, to call or not to call…

Hmm.

June 4, 2000 – Sunday – 10:30 p.m.

Whew…life!

I miss Marie.

Good things are happening, but I do feel separated from Regent University and from my film Dang!.

Townley, Andy, Jean, and I had a great trip to D.C. this past week.  I really got the chance to talk with them about Jesus.  Jean is a Christian, but she is sad because her husband Chad isn’t very affectionate toward her.  I know how she feels.  Marie isn’t terribly affectionate towards me either.

I helped the team put the Glo-Cycling package together up at Langley Air Force Base.  It starts tomorrow.  The means I be spending half the week cycling and getting paid for it.

It is all a bit odd to me.  I’m surrounded by people desperately trying to make a buck and I’m just not passionate about money.  Sure I need it, and I’m very much in debt, but what is most important to me are spiritual matters, matters of the heart.  These people at work are successful, but I feel they are losing their souls in the process.

I went to Rob and Mary Jo’s wedding on Saturday.  It was the most beautiful and Christlike wedding that I’ve ever attended.  I see more and more each day how the only thing that matters is Jesus.  Forgive me God for my apathy.

Jean is selling her house.  It is in a fine neighborhood only ten minutes from downtown Norfolk.  It’s small, I’ve wondered if I should buy it; I don’t know, I’ve also been thinking about building a log cabin out in rural Chesapeake or Suffolk.  I have exactly one year until I’m through with my movie and my thesis.  I will graduate and have to move out of the Regent apartments.  I really don’t want to pay rent again.  Please reveal your will to me oh God.

It is a beautiful and cool night.  I have an interesting job.  There is a girl I dearly love in New Jersey.  This evening I had some fantastic barbecue with the Acoustic Works Xtreme Fitness team.  In less than a month it will have been two years since I moved here.  Hmmm…life.

May 3, 2000 – Wednesday – 12:05 p.m.

I’m not in my room, I’m under a pine tree on Lake James Drive near Regent University.  I rode my bike here.  It is nice to get away from my room.

I’ve been reading Henderson The Rain King and have enjoyed it immensely.

Vince leaves the country in five days.  I’ve tried to call him, but he wasn’t home.  I’m now at the point of my life where I am no longer a full-time student, and, to be honest, I don’t know what to do with myself.  I’m trying to be patient.  I’m trying to wait on God.  I’m trying to get a job, but I don’t think I’m doing it very well.  I feel like I’m losing my identity.

Marie and I, well, it is obvious that our relationship is changing form.  God please have your way with us and melt all my insecurities away.  I have grown to not like who I am these days.  I have this opportunity to spend three weeks on the road with Dan and Theresa, and I think that would be good for me, but I feel like I should be trying to find a job though.  That pressure is mainly coming from Marie and her family.

For the first time in my life, I’ve met a mother who doesn’t like me.  After Marie’s mom spent more time with me, she thinks I’m the wrong one for Marie and she has told her as much.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that.  I’ve left my church to attend church with Marie, and Marie’s church just doesn’t believe the same things, spiritually speaking, that I do.

I feel as though I’m losing myself who I am.

I want to be with Marie.  I love her so much.  I guess all the differences and the road blocks scare me.  I’m just waiting to see what God is going to do.

I want to start working on more films, but I have this huge debt hanging over my head, so I feel I must put my focus on that.

An old married couple just rode by on their bikes.  Will I ever become that?

This is a nice little grove in the trees; similar to Emily’s crying place in Crestview, but that  has since been torn down to make way for suburban sprawl.

Perhaps I should put all my efforts toward doing video work on the mission field.  That way I can travel the world.

I want to drive out west and spend many days thinking and writing in my journal.

I miss writing in my journal.

I’m going to ride my bike around some more.

March 16, 2000 – Thursday – 9:06 p.m.

The Ides of March are over, and something happened over the past couple of days.

In the Flesh began to change from the ministry I first thought it would be to something entirely different.  It is an original script about a character with a pornography addiction.  The director told me that my role and the lead female would never be intimate on stage, that my character had issues with intimacy, but he soon realized that wasn’t working.  He had the actress, who is about 15 years older than me, unbuttoning my shirt and kissing my chest, while I was on my back.  Now I’ve kissed girls on stage before, and I’ve been in my underwear on stage before, but I wasn’t with Marie then.  And I got involved with this production because I thought it would help those with a pornography addiction, like my father, but now I’m not so sure.

Marie and I have talked and prayed about it.  She is clearly uncomfortable with it.  If I wasn’t with Marie, I’d probably work through it, for that is the professional thing to do, but I need to put her first in this situation.  I spent two hours talking with James, the director, last night.  He finally said that it would be wrong for both of us if I continued to be a part of the production.

I’m not sure how to feel.  I used to love acting, but now I have a bad taste in my mouth towards it.  I just didn’t have any artistic control in that situation and felt I should quit, which I didn’t like doing.  I currently have so much artistic control through directing Dang! and being there for post-production.  I can minister more through directing and not just entertain.

I have applied for a Resident Director position at Virginia Wesleyan College for the next year.  I pray God gives it to me.

Marie is doing really well.  She says school isn’t great for her, but that I am.  We both see that God brought both of us here for each other.  I’m learning much in my field, but she says she is not.  She says I’m her only teacher and her only friend.

Since I’m not in the show anymore, I’ll be able to go with her to a wedding in Pennsylvania in April.  April is going to be a great month.  March is half over.  Only five weeks of classes remain.

Marie’s mom has given Marie her approval of me.  We are contemplating a summer or fall wedding in the year 2001.  I would like to ask her in September of this year and then get married in June.

Life is beautiful with Marie.  Jesus is good to me.  I now know that on the day Marie and I wed, these Books of Days will end.  We’ll begin a new one together.

These journals have always been about me and me alone.  When my life is joined with hers, I won’t be alone anymore.  I won’t be single, so these books should stop.

Curtis is getting married on Saturday.  Unbelievable!  He’s the first of us in fact.  I think I’m going to give him a call.

 

February 11, 2000 – Friday – 9:24 p.m.

Marie and I celebrated our Valentine’s Day today because our Monday will be very busy.  We went to Seashore State Park, had breakfast and lunch together, and exchanged gifts.  She gave me a beautiful picture of herself as a little girl, similar to the one I gave her of me at Christmas.  She is so adorable.  We had our own little private dance here in my room.

She is at her apartment writing now.  Last Friday we had a wonderful time walking back and forth to Lake Drummond out at the Dismal Swamp.  It was a 10 mile hike.

Our relationship grows more and more beautiful every day.  So much time is spent with her, and sharing with her, and writing in our book together, that I hardly spend time writing here in my own journal.

My The Tape That Binds script was chosen to be produced by the university.  Grant is directing it.  I have a rewrite due on Monday.

Rehearsals for In the Flesh and Pilate are coming along okay.  Pilate opens in a month.

Mr. Quicke, a professor here, has asked to meet with me about the possibility of directing a feature-length film this summer.  That’s exciting!

Marie and I are planning a trip to Banner Elk and her hometown in New Jersey over spring break.  She’ll get to meet the whole college gang, and I’ll get to see where she grew up!

January 30, 2000 – Sunday – 5:00 p.m.

Marie and I attended Avalon Hills Bible Church this morning.  It is right across the street from Regent.  We made a beautiful breakfast together before we left, and we also made a delightful lunch together when we returned.

The service was different from my upbringing, but the sermon was wonderful.  I simply didn’t feel much freedom in the worship, but that is fine I suppose.  God is molding me.  He is preparing me for I life spent with Marie.  The church is grounded in the word, so I’m happy for it to be the place we attend together.

On Friday we spent the day together in Hampton at the Virginia Space and Air museum.  We saw two Imax films and had a nice lunch downtown.  Yesterday I saw The Hurricane with Chris and it blessed me unlike any other film this year so far.  Chris and Dan are turning out to be my best good guy friends here at Regent.  Dan is a fellow “bookstorian.”

We are getting together in an hour to have a Super Bowl protester’s party, where we just play games instead of watch the game.  It’ll be me, Marie, Dan, Theresa, Chris and a few others.

God’s grace is unbelievable!

November 5, 1999 – Friday – 11:50 p.m.

Thank you Jesus.

Marie just left.  She came over to watch Smoke Signals with me.  We talked over Celtic Christmas music and candlelight for two hours.  She surpasses them all.  Can she have me God?  Can I give myself to her?

She came over Thursday as well.  She’s so beautiful.  Her face tonight, lit by a single candlelight, shadows dancing across her face.  The simple way she would speak.  The way her eyes would lift and look through me.  The questions she would ask and the stories she would tell.  The way she would talk about God.  I feels I’ve never known anything so right.

At times Regent and Virginia Beach have always felt a bit off for me.  I wasn’t sure if this was home or not.  But ever since Marie, I’ve never felt more at home in my life.

You are wonderful Lord.

 

September 16, 1999 – Thursday – 6:49 p.m.

This has been a lonely day even though I spent some good hours with Dan, Theresa, and Amy from the bookstore.  The power went out and we got together to play a board game.

I have a bit of a headache.  My neighbors above me have really heavy footsteps.  I wish it would snow, so I could feel quiet and clean.  I wish I could ride horses against a Kentucky sunset.

David, my roommate, is as introverted as Matt.  I knocked on his door earlier and asked if I could come in and he said “no.”  His door is always closed to me.

Abigail and Jeni have recently had birthdays.  September is half over.  Then only three months left.  Some days I get so scared.  It all seems so big.  But there are other days in which being alive is the easiest thing there is.

I had a neat conversation with a Greek named Bill last night.  I was the first to get deep into his soul since he’s come to Regent.  He told me I’m the first and only person he has met who seems well rounded in all the gifts.  I’m not exactly sure what that means, but it was nice.

I also pitched “To Fly” on Monday.  Afterwards I was complemented by so many classmates telling me I was an amazing writer.  Why am I still so lonely here?  Was I this lonely at Lees-McRae?  I must like the wide spaces the mountains provided, it gave my heart room to grow.

Jesus, it is so hard to share you.  I feel like you’re all mine.  It feels like you spend all your time with me.  How can you be in my room and in David’s as well?  How can your spirit pour while I’m at church and also while I’m alone?  Can you be the leader of this dance?

I don’t know where to take you that you haven’t already been.

 

September 7, 1999 – Tuesday – 4:37 p.m.

The days have gone by very quickly.  Will the passing of time never cease to amaze me?

A bunch of guys from church and school got together to minister at the beach on Labor Day.  Then a few of us hung out in my apartment together and wrote original worship songs.  It was an amazing time!  I worked on the lyrics while the others wrote the music.

Auditions for my film are in three weeks and we haven’t raised a dime.  But God is in control.  I asked him to test my faith through this project, so I’m sure he is.

My facial hair grows faster these days.  Does that mean I am getting older?  I plan on spending most of this evening in the computer lab.

. . .

Kara just called me.  She’s a woman I met at a party and Chris and Jason’s last night.  We talked for a while and discovered that her aunt’s husband put a cast on my arm when I broke it in the 7th grade.  How weird is that?  Anyway, she’s an actress and I told her about Dang!.  She wanted to know if she could come by and pick up a script.  But an even weirder thing is that just last night, after the party, I had one of those notions to just go outside and walk around the village.  After a couple of minutes, low and behold, there she was walking right towards me on her phone.  She ended up coming to my apartment and I gave her a script.  We’ve been talking for the past hour just now.  She said she didn’t expect to have such a bonding time with me.

She’s fun, kinda different, and doesn’t seem to be wearing a mask.  She said she wants to point me in the right direction to help raise some money for my film.

Thanks God!