August 25, 2000 – Friday – 12:45 p.m.

Four months until Christmas!

I’m at a baseball field near the park that’s closest to my job.  I’m looking forward to the Counting Crows concert in Virginia Beach tonight.

I talked to both Curtis and Dan last night and I finally began writing out the plot for a feature screenplay I’m calling Winter Dreams.

In one week I’ll be in Banner Elk again.  Dan says I can stay at his new place, even while he and Abigail are on their honeymoon.

I often think about my friends being married.

Curtis, Allen, Charlie, Dan.  They all got married this year.  Vince and I remain, but he’s content in Bolivia.

I am… I don’t know how I am these days.

What is it that I do?

I’m supposed to be making movies, but am I doing that?

No.  I’m supposed to be worshipping God, but am I doing that?

I’m just sitting on bleachers feeling sorry for myself.  I haven’t sat on bleachers since Marie spoke the worst words over me I’ve ever heard.  I’m glad that relationship is over.  In retrospect it feels so unreal, fake, and empty.

Why does love die?  Does that mean it was never love?

I guess so.

So I’ve never really loved?  Is that it?

Then why does it feel like I have?  Perhaps it is just because God is in me.

I love my friends.  They are scattered all over the world now.

So, Everything after August is coming to be.  Another beautiful autumn.

Noisy bugs surround me now.  I guess I’m doing okay, for not everyone notices the music of crickets.  So, I’ll get up from here and walk on.  I deserve nothing I’m given, and I’ll do my best to breathe freely.

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August 12, 2000 – Saturday – 7:00 p.m.

I have five days left to be 23.  Dan and Abigail marry each other in three weeks.  I met with the ministers of Forefront, and they want to work with me concerning Dang! and perhaps other future projects.  After returning from a men’s prayer breakfast with Forefront folks, I finished reading The Hobbit this morning.  I saw Kimberly today at her bookstore.  She recently got a haircut and looked beautiful.

I look at the map on my mall and all the pins placed in it representing all the places I’ve been.  Are all the pins there God?  Did I miss out on anything He wanted to show me?  I feel as though I miss whatever I didn’t experience, or didn’t take the time to notice.

I love you Jesus.  Thank you for this time in my life.  Sometime the thought of Marie not wanting to be my friend comes back to me, and it hurts my heart so.

How joyful it is when I get a phone call from someone who wants to talk to me.  All my friends are married, and now I fear my calls turns into interruptions.

Jesus, your love is all I own.  I see that now.  Friends, family, passions,…they all fade away.

You are my final destination.

You are my process.

You are my end and my beginning.

I found my creator.

August 4, 2000 – Friday – 11:45 a.m.

I’m sitting on a slanted picnic table in a park near the Library and Community Center of Sterling, Virginia.  I left at 7:30 this morning to drive up here, because someone associated with a sister company of Acoustic Works is going to train me on Dreamweaver.

My meeting isn’t until 1:00 p.m., but I left early just to spend some time alone in a new town.  Three kids are playing loudly on the playground near me.  I’m glad they are happy.

I received Dan and Abigail’s wedding invitation in the mail.  It makes me both happy and sad.  Only Vince and I have yet to get married, and he is in Bolivia.

After Dan and Abigail’s wedding, I wonder if I should stop visiting Banner Elk.  I can so easily get stuck in the past.  It may be better for me to not see that land for a while.

. . .

I’ve sat here in silence for a while now.  I fear I have a broken heart.  I feel Jeni, Sarah, Emily, and Marie have each broken it in their own slight way.  But most of all, I feel I have broken it as well.

An older woman just brought two little blonde girls down to the playground, but then she turned around and walked away after she saw three Black kids playing on it.  And now the two white girls are sad and asking a bunch of questions.  They don’t understand why they can’t play.

Such a sight makes me so thankful I grew up with Marcus, Danny, and Peter.  And that I even had a Black youth pastor for a while.

Life seems to get harder as I grow older.  As a child, I would have never noticed the subtle racism I just experienced.

Jesus, you are my savior.  Am I living fully in your salvation?  Am I accepting all your mercy and forgiveness?  All I want is you.

When it comes down to it, I just want that treehouse covered in snow with the Braveheart soundtrack in my ear.  I want you all around me like that.

Can I have that everyday?

I just realized this is my second time in Sterling, VA.  The first time was with Rachel’s mom when she brought me up to Chrysalis in 1997.  In fact, that was exactly three years ago, for I remember it was in early August.

Is there any love left in me?

It feels like I’m losing all my friends.  I can never have Banner Elk and Lees-McRae again, so I should stop looking and waiting for it.

Do you still have a plan for me God?

Thank you for the leaf that just floated down and sat next to me.  I want more quiet moments alone with you.

Please don’t send me a girl if she’ll only distract me from you, or if I’ll distract her from you as well.  Too many hearts have been bruised.  I want to give all of my heart to you.

June 30, 2000 – Friday – 6:50 a.m.

I haven’t written in two weeks.  I did that on purpose, for writing makes me focus too much on myself.  I need to be more selfless.

Much has changed in the past two weeks.  As I both feared and predicted after Marie returned to New Jersey five weeks ago, she came back to Virginia Beach and broke up with me.  It was clear that she’d been heavily influenced by her parents to let me go.  Her parents grew very uncomfortable with the fact that I needed student loans to pay for school and that I used a credit card to pay for making my thesis film.

So my girlfriend broke up with me because her parents think I’m broke, and then my job gave me a raise, a promotion, a salary, and benefits, which means I’m now making $300 more a week than I had been making.  Hmm.  I just started humming Alanis Morissette’s Ironic. 

I went to Charlie and Kate’s wedding last weekend and had one of the most blessed weekends of my life.  I’ve also decided to do Marie a favor and not attend Avalon Hills anymore.  The minister who married Charlie and Kate told me about a church in my area called Forefront, so I’ll check that out.

Here I am again.  June is over.  July is here.

The summer is flying by.

June 18, 2000 – Sunday – 4:07 p.m.

The week went by fast.  Work is fun.  Dan and I play chess a lot in the evenings.  Marie returns on Tuesday.

Trey, Kristen, and Mike took me down to North Carolina to pick up my new used car.  It’s a white 1992 Chevy Cavalier.  It drives nicely.

While there we visited Clay’s parents Barbara and Clyde, but Barbara wasn’t there, only Clyde and Eric.  Funny stuff happened, so funny that it can’t be translated and explained into these pages.

We walked along the railroad tracks near my old house.  Everything was so green and the fireflies were out.  I always thought I grew up in a flat land, but after living in Virginia Beach for two years, I now see how beautiful the rolling hills of my youth were.  Thank you God for letting me spend my childhood there.  It is such a perfect and precious gift.  No doubt you put those railroad tracks there just for me to have a clear path to wander down.

I am nearly 24-years-old now God.  I see now that you have never left me.  I am overwhelmed by your patience and beauty.

Trey, Kristen, Mike, and I stopped at a Starbucks in Chapel Hill on Franklin St. on the way back.  I’m so glad I didn’t go to a big state school like UNC.  Part of me is still trying to get over Lees-McRae.  Part of me is trying to succeed here.  And part of me just wants to relax and let all the days fade away.

I can’t believe it is June.  I miss Marie and just want to have a good conversation with her.  It has been difficult to have those over the phone recently.  She doesn’t seem comfortable talking with her parents there.

Time is passing.  But I will go on.  I work.  I write.  I read.  And I wait.

I also remember.  And I try to forget.

May 26, 2000 – Friday – 6:36 p.m.

It has been seven months since that perfect night in Currituck with beautiful Marie.

Dan is in front of me playing Tetris 2.  Marie and I talked over the phone last night.  She is having a good time in New Jersey.  She doesn’t seem to be missing me.  That is a good thing I guess.  She is in the world she knows best.  I am in the corporate world I know not of.

. . .

It is a little later on this Friday night now.  I just got off the phone with Marie.  She called while I was writing earlier.  Part of me feels like she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me anymore.  I think she’s going to run away.

I just pray that you guide her God.  If you want her to go, then please let it happen.  We’ve had some good times, but perhaps I am not the best fit for her.  The last thing I want is to be a burden to her.

I’d give the world to be home tonight.  I just don’t know where that is.

Dan is still playing Tetris 2.

I am in a place I’ve never been.

Words.

Oh God, it feels like that is all I have.  Just these words on these pages.

I’d rather have you Jesus.

Feels like much is on my heart.

But I’ve got nothing to say.

May 21, 2000 – Sunday – 7:15 a.m.

It is early before church.  I think I’ve found a place to sit and think.  I’m on a park bench in the park for Lake James Residences only.  I guess it is kind of illegal for me to be here, but I need a place within walking distance from my apartment where I can go and be by myself.  There’s a nice mist in the air and turtles and fish are playing in the water below.

I have a new pair of glasses that look and feel very nice.  I’m going to be wearing my contacts a little less often I think.

Marie called last night.  I miss her so much.

Kimberly, Sterling, and I went to see Dinosaur.  It was so horrible.  It was just the same old story, and I didn’t think it looked that great.

There was a spaghetti party over at Townley’s place on Friday night, so I went and got to know some of my co-workers a bit more.

We’ve had several nighttime thunderstorms recently that have sounded awesome!

Oh God, I miss you in me.  Whatever is blocking you from being everything in me, I lay it at your feet.  Please take it away.

Life is getting very odd.  I just want to love you.  Wash me clean oh God.  Prepare me to be a living sacrifice.  May I be dead to all.  Calm my spirit, my temper, my jealousy, and my flesh.  Purify me oh God.  This is my prayer.  For I am nothing without you.  Please make me like the lilies of the valley.  I love you God.

 

May 19, 2000 – Friday – 7:30 a.m.

It’s been a long week.  In 20 minutes I have to leave for my 5th day on the job.  I’m beginning to figure out who all these new people are:

The president is Andy.  He is divorced and has no children.

Townley is 31 and has never been married.

Karen, another intern like me, is 30 and divorced.  She has two dogs and is from Pittsburg.

Andy’s mom and brother also work there.

Then there’s Michael, the senior project manager, he is also divorced and has a son who works there as well.  I think Michael has been recently remarried to Serena, the office manager.

Robin, the sales manager, lives in Richmond, but he’ll soon move down in Chesapeake.

Jean is another intern.  She is my age and married, but her husband is in the military and he might even be deployed overseas, or is about to be, I’m not sure.

All in all, I think one or two of them may have some degree of Christian faith, but many are not Christians.

They have only known me for a week, but they all tell me I am “unusual.”  I don’t know why everyone who meets me tells me that.  I’ve only ever been me, so it is odd to hear that I’m so different from the norm.

Allen and Jessica will marry in three weeks, and I’m sure Vince has arrived in Bolivia by now.

I fear Marie may be separating herself from me.  We talked on Tuesday and she sounded different.  It is clear she is back under her parent’s influence.  Oh well, let your will be done God.

I go bike riding every evening after I return from work.  I enjoy it greatly.  It’s my time with God.

May 14, 2000 – Sunday – 8:07 a.m.

Graduation was yesterday.  While I’m done with courses, I won’t graduate until next year after I finish Dang! and my thesis paper.  There was a graduation party for David at Parkway Temple yesterday as well.  On Friday I went canoeing with Dan and Theresa at Northwest River Park.

Marie went back to New Jersey yesterday.  She’ll be away for five weeks.  We had a nice time of goodbye on Friday night.

Last night I hung with with Dan and Theresa some more.  We went to Barnes and Noble and ate out at Kyoto’s.  Dan bought some feeder fish for his bigger fish at PetsMart and we enjoyed watching them get devoured.

I start my job tomorrow.  God has been taking care of me this whole time.  I miss Marie already, but hopefully work will keep me busy while I await her return.

May 10, 2000 – Wednesday – 10:00 a.m.

Two years ago today I graduated from Lees-McRae!

I’m preparing to go to my second interview with Acoustic Works.  The first one went pretty well.  Then I’m going with Marie to the Regent Film Festival tonight.  I do love her dearly.  I read back on my time with Sarah and it hurt my heart to realize I was once so blind.  Thank you God for my salvation.

I don’t know who may be reading all these spiral-bound pondering, but I sure hope you are able to read it all.  Life can’t be summed up by one person in one day.  It is a process and we are all ever-changing.

Thank you for your forgiveness God.

The New Mexico trip has been cancelled.  Since my car broke down, I just need to work and save money.  So Dan isn’t going either, for it would be weird for him and Theresa to be out on the road alone.

Marie leaves on Saturday.  We won’t see each other for five weeks.

Oh, perfect Marie.

May I be worthy of her.