October 8, 2000 – Sunday – 1:00 p.m.

It is one o’clock on a Sunday afternoon.

I am alone.

Love Song for a Savior fills my ears. There is a chill in the air. I just ate a peanut butter and a banana sandwich, and I can tell I’m in one of those moods.

The Caedmon’s Call concert Friday night was wonderful. I was able to go backstage, and I learned that my favorite male artist, Derek Webb, is marrying one of my favorite female artists, Sandra McCracken! That blew me away and really made my whole year!

There is a girl that I’ve taken to noticing. I really don’t know anything about her except that she is 20, and I like the simple way she puts up her blonde hair, as well as the little glasses she wears. She has a beautiful high-pitched voice, and it blesses me when she says my name.

Why is it that I often feel like I go through life all alone? The first week of October has flown by, and I’ve reached one of those days where I feel so lost and out of place. Why do these days come?

Will I ever share this life with someone and spend our days living in harmony with God and each other?

My friends back in North Carolina never call. Why am I always the one to keep in touch? It would be nice for them to call me every once in a while.

There is really only one thing I desire right now, and that is that it’ll eventually hurt when I leave this little corner of the world. Is there anything more tragic than spending years in a place and then never missing it? Oh God, let me do some good while I’m here.

I give you the rest of this Sunday. Use me.

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August 25, 2000 – Friday – 12:45 p.m.

Four months until Christmas!

I’m at a baseball field near the park that’s closest to my job.  I’m looking forward to the Counting Crows concert in Virginia Beach tonight.

I talked to both Curtis and Dan last night and I finally began writing out the plot for a feature screenplay I’m calling Winter Dreams.

In one week I’ll be in Banner Elk again.  Dan says I can stay at his new place, even while he and Abigail are on their honeymoon.

I often think about my friends being married.

Curtis, Allen, Charlie, Dan.  They all got married this year.  Vince and I remain, but he’s content in Bolivia.

I am… I don’t know how I am these days.

What is it that I do?

I’m supposed to be making movies, but am I doing that?

No.  I’m supposed to be worshipping God, but am I doing that?

I’m just sitting on bleachers feeling sorry for myself.  I haven’t sat on bleachers since Marie spoke the worst words over me I’ve ever heard.  I’m glad that relationship is over.  In retrospect it feels so unreal, fake, and empty.

Why does love die?  Does that mean it was never love?

I guess so.

So I’ve never really loved?  Is that it?

Then why does it feel like I have?  Perhaps it is just because God is in me.

I love my friends.  They are scattered all over the world now.

So, Everything after August is coming to be.  Another beautiful autumn.

Noisy bugs surround me now.  I guess I’m doing okay, for not everyone notices the music of crickets.  So, I’ll get up from here and walk on.  I deserve nothing I’m given, and I’ll do my best to breathe freely.

April 18, 1999 – Sunday – 7:09 a.m.

Two weeks and four days remain until I head back to Lees-McRae.  I look forward to walking alone on my own private mountain trails.  I need to think again with a clear mind.  The mountain air always does me good.

I called Allen yesterday morning.  Our conversation turned a bit serious when he told me that things went poorly with three of my dear friends as he attempted to do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing.  He said he feels terrible.  He crossed the line with each of them and they mean so much to me.  It hurt to hear it, but I can do nothing but love them and forgive them.  The conversation did make me very thankful to be there.  I’m surrounded by so much innocence and purity.  I would rather deal with loneliness than continually deal with the temptation I had to deal with during my days with Sarah.  God continues to heal me of all those past hurts and pains.  I want to me the real true me.

There really aren’t any girls here that seem to have my name on them.  My thoughts often dwell on Mary Jo, Kimberly, and even Kerstin, but I honestly don’t think they are for me.  I want to hold out for true love, and not just settle for a pretty girl I think I can live with.  Mary Jo has impressed me the most with her heart, but I’m afraid our future paths in life are completely different.

For my most immediate future, I want to live my life in airports.  I seem to find peace in them.  Perhaps because I already live each day watching others as I wait to fly away.

There was a funny moment that happened at IHOP the other night when I was there with the youth group.  I ordered pancakes and thought the thing in front of me on the table was syrup, but no…it was coffee.  And it came out fast.  I poured coffee all over my pancakes, myself, the table, those sitting next to me.  Marion laughed for the next ten minutes.  It was actually fantastic to be so the source of so much joy and laughter.

There are days when I like to be alone

To be still and silent

To listen

My stomach growls, my VCR rewinds

My memory does them both

A plane flies overhead

And I hear this pen move across this paper

 

Then there are days when I must listen to music

To hear the words of others as they dream

And to dream with them

I agree with Cindy Morgan, relate with Derek Webb

And adore Rebecca

But still there are times when my breath

Is the only music I need

 

And in this silent, I’ve come to ponder love

Is it terrible to love the wrong woman?

Is that such a waste of time?

If so, I wasted seven months

And can’t afford to spend this heart on the wrong one once again

The effort would be a tragedy

A ticking clock, never knowing the time

April 21, 1997 – Monday – 11:50 a.m.

Bowling was fun yesterday.  I drove with Dan and Allen.  We met our Sunday School class there.  Vince and Laura were there as well.

On the way there we heard the end of a song that I heard a couple of times when I was working on my stage design model last month.  All I knew was that it was from a group called Hanson.  It’s so fun.  I went to the mall and immediately bought the single.  The song’s called MMMBop.  It’s so much fun.  Allen and Dan and I had the best time dancing to it in the car.

Last night was college night at church.  I gave the message and spoke on how God is calling us to be perfect.  Charlie said he was moved and others asked me if I was going to be a pastor when I grew up.  I simply said no, that I wanted to work in theater and film.  After the service we all came back to school and played ping pong for hours.

Life is wonderful.  Life is short.  College is about learning.  I’m learning how to be perfect, how to live, how to dance, and how to say….

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du, yeah

January 26, 1997 – Sunday – 6:00 p.m.

Wow!

I just talked to Abigail.  She was at dinner. We sat at separate tables, but when she went to throw her tray away, she walked past me and shouted my name and asked me how I was.

“Uh, I’m great, how are you?”  I replied.

She walked on and put her tray up.  On the way back she ran her fingers through my hair and kept on walking.

“Wait, come back.” I said.

She picked up her coat and then came to sit next to me.

“How was your weekend?” I asked.

She smiled.  “I guess you want to know what happened to me yesterday.”

“I was hoping you would tell me and I wouldn’t have to ask.”

It turns out that her crying in my room during our foot washing service was a very good thing.  She had prayed earlier in the day and Jesus said, “You must be in love with me before you are in love with anyone else.”

I said almost those exact same words during Bible Study.

She said that she just needed to cry K.C. out, but she couldn’t.  She had been thinking about that Jars of Clay song and when I began to play it, she bawled like a baby.  What I thought was hurting her, was actually healing her.  She said she had been excellent every since she left my room.

God used me to help my beautiful sister!

I am in love with you Jesus!

I am in love with you.

December 8, 1996 -Sunday – 11:30 p.m.

The latter part of the day contained a few moments of joy.  A late breakfast was being served in the cafeteria.  Abigail sat by me.  She smiled and laughed at the things I said.  She sang at the table with Timothy.  She sounded so beautiful.  I wish I could sing beautifully so she would desire to sing with me.  Music is a huge part of my life, but I can only survive in a chorus.  I don’t sound too great on my own.

I want to live a long time on earth before heaven; if only to be around people like Abigail.

I made a snow angel in the snow as we walked back tonight.

But it seems as if I’m falling for someone else’s angel.

June 1, 1995 – Thursday – 7:05 p.m.

May is gone.

June is here.

Tuesday, we all went to see Tenielle play trumpet at her school’s band concert.  I had a good time.  Afterwards, Jonathan and I went to Wal-Mart and I bought the Pocahontas soundtrack.  It’s really neat.  I like it!

Church went well last night.  Jenna and Tenielle wanted me to sign their yearbooks.  Recently they have been complaining, saying that I have an attitude.  So, I basically wrote saying that even though they are seeing me in a negative light, I am accepting them for who their are and cherishing them.  We are simply in different worlds and they can’t understand the place I’m at right now, but I still care about them greatly.

Kevin told me today that what I wrote upset them.  So that’s another thing I’ll have to deal with.

Teach me something this summer Lord.  Something that will help me in the future.

Please!

I got a letter from Mr. Gambill today.  He said that he took the job of a Director of Residence Life at another college.  So that means someone else will be my boss in 74 days.

March 3, 1995 – Friday – 3:45 p.m.

Soft white flakes are floating outside my window.

Tonight is going to be wonderful.  At 7:30 p.m., FCA is sponsoring Mountain Top ’95.  It is an evening of Christian music, comedy, and games.  We have a singer coming and I am doing a skit with some other people.  It will be great.  Charlie is bringing some kids from G.A.G.  After the concert, we’re going to go to Johnson City to play Laser Tag and then we are having a lock-in at the church.

I’m going to be surrounded by Christians, it’s going to be wonderful.

I received my phone bill today.  It was $103.14.  I guess since I broke up with Jeni and things were weird I called a lot of people back home.

Today, after I got out of the post office, I went to play the piano in Evan’s Auditorium.  I played “A Heart Full of Love” from Les Miserables.  As I was playing, a girl came in.  I didn’t hear her come in though.

“That’s pretty,” I heard a beautiful voice say.  I looked up to see Alana.  She is a junior I believe.  We have said “hello” to each other maybe twice.

“I just had to come and see who it was.  I thought it was a recording.  That’s beautiful.”

“Thanks,” I said.

And then she was gone.

I continued to play with such happiness and joy.  And that moment reminded me of another; my graduation night when Renee smiled at me.  I was so happy and I felt like running after her and talking to her for the rest of my life.

But I didn’t, of course.

Not once, have I seen lightning strike during these winter storms.  Well, maybe once, but I had to get out of that storm’s path before it blew me away to Cincinnati.

October 11, 1994 – Tuesday – 3:15 p.m.

Do you know what happened a year ago today?  It has been one year since I first visited Lees-McRae and saw its beauty for the first time.

The college is even more beautiful to me now.

In that entry one year ago, I wrote the following: I wonder if there will be a girl up at Lees-McRae whom I’ll think about like I think about Ryan.

It has happened.

The dawn is breaking.

The sun has set.

The memory has faded.

Yet the past year has still existed.  The night I saw Les Miserables and the 3rd of November.  The night I saw The Sound of Music and the night at Mr. Gatti’s with Tenielle.  The hayride in the cold and Christmas day.  Seeing the dead grass on January 15th, 1994.  The problems with Marcus, Scott, and Cheryl.  Monday, February 7th and U & I.  My trip alone to Southern Pines and Hank saying I could date Christi.  The DC Talk concert and The Imperials.  Christian Skate Nights.  The flower that I wanted so desperately to grow on March 17th did finally grow, just not over the summer.

Then there was the day I saw Schindler’s List and the day I saved the whole world.  Then there was April 10th and I was right, this land is flowing with Milk and I am again saving the world.

I am here.

Here after Carowinds on April 30th and my graduation on June 10th.

It is true, I will probably never see Renee smile again and I did leave calmly like a dove.

My dad still broke my heart, but I still love him.  I met only one guy at orientation, but now I am a friend to dozens of guys and girls.  I saw my self in The Lion King.

Deep Creek

Fishnet.

My birthday.

The storm.

Winter Dreams have passed.

I am flying now.

Jeni gave me a letter today:

Dear Jacob,

It was nice getting to talk to you on the phone tonight (even though it was cut short).  I guess I didn’t realize at first just how little we actually got to talk over the past few weeks.  I want you to know how much I appreciate you.  I know that I’m not always generous with letting you know how I feel.  You know, when I first really met you that night in Hayes (when we were putting the dance floor down), all I really knew about you was that you have been to FCA once, but I didn’t know how committed to Christ you were.  Somehow though, I had a feeling you really knew Jesus.  I could say it was that you were singing Christian music, but it really wasn’t that.  I could tell by your kind, caring smile and your clear eyes.  I could see that you knew the “truth” just by the way you looked at me.  I guess that’s why I can’t stop looking at you; your eyes represent truth, kindness, gentleness, and the love of Christ.  Sometimes I am so amazed by God in the way he works and answers prayers.  First he brings me Tracey, but then he brings me you.  You have no idea how thankful I am.  I was so used to having a close family of Christians and if it weren’t for you, Tracey, and Rachel, I would be so homesick.

There’s more though!  All of the little things you do for me.  The kindness, the gentleness, and just the way you treat me.  You’re just great!  You know, I’m so glad I fell in the creek.  Well actually, I’m more thankful for the walk back afterwards.

I just wanted to let you know how much I think of you and why I love you so much.

Love in Christ,

Jeni

The Canon has moved up a step and now Lord I ask you, only if it is your will, to stop it.

May this be the final note.  May this note ring in my ears forever.

There is something which I feel I should say, but it seems with Jeni’s last line, she has already taken the words straight from my young heart.

September 14, 1994 – Wednesday – 10:30 p.m.

What a wonderful evening!  That girl that I mentioned above, she goes to Heaton Christian Church.  Hopefully I’ll get to know her.

But rehearsal was great tonight.  I didn’t have to stay that long, so I went to FCA for about 30 minutes, but then I went back to the theater to lay out the dance floor.

In Mattress there are a lot of girls who only play Spanish Dancers.  One girl has been looking at me a lot for the past two nights.  Her eyes are just…it’s like they are drawing you in.  She had me.

Tonight as we laid the dance floor, the two of us began talking and then we began talking about Christian music, and then we started singing Christian music together.  It was great!  She has the most beautiful and graceful legs I have ever seen.  A pretty smile, everything.  She acts a little air-headed sometimes, but that actually makes her really fun to be around.  We talked for about 30 minutes and then it was time to go.  We walked up together with another girl, then we split up to go to our different dorms.  She said “bye.”

All of this and I don’t even know her name.