May 28, 1995 – Sunday – 11:55 p.m.

It has been a wonderful day!

The fellowship was cancelled due to rain, so I just came home after church this morning.  Jenna and Tenielle were there as always and they were wonderful.  It is so good to be here with them.  I am watching them grow up!

Jonathan and I went to High Falls, to go to the youth group there.  Lisa showed up, but holy cow, she got married!  Her husband wasn’t with her though.  We talked about the people we graduated with and what they were doing.  We’ve all gone our separate ways.  Thank you Jesus!

It was good to see the old gang.  We had a great talk and I can’t wait to attend Fishnet with them.  It will be wonderful!

We left early so that we could be at church on time.  Jonathan and I had a good time driving this evening.  He is a great friend.

Church tonight was awesome!  Shurby preached.  He prayed for Jonathan and Jonathan got set free, again!  I prayed in the spirit so hard behind him.  Then I began to cry and I couldn’t stop.

Jonathan.  Such a precious life.  Help me help him Lord.

After the evening service, he and I went to Christi’s house.  She was home with her dad.  The four of us had the greatest time.  She had the skit group video.  We watched it.  It was so beautiful.

Christi; she always seems to pop up and then that weird feeling returns.  Thank you Lord for this little mystery.


August 22, 1994 – Monday – 11:20 p.m.

Pastor Steve took us out to dinner tonight as a graduation gift as well as a going-off to college farewell.  It was only myself, Marcus, and Anne.  We ate at Fitzgerald’s and talked about some pretty deep stuff.  Pastor Steve is great.  He has taught me so much these past six years.  More than he will ever know.

Afterwards, Marcus and I went to Christi’s.  Jason was home.  We talked about everything.  He is doing great!  I miss the days when he was our youth pastor and lead the skit group.

I also learned tonight that Joel made a pass at one of Andy’s friends who was there.  Her name was Margaret and Hank and Andy were ready to kick Joel’s butt.

Cheryl has let me know that he has put his hand up her shirt and tried to touch her elsewhere.  She’s only fifteen and I told her to press charges.  I also found out that Joel was in prison in Phoenix for statutory rape.  That’s why he left Phoenix in the first place and tried to start over here.  Well, he’s going to get what’s coming to him.

Anyway, Jason and I talked about theater stuff.  He said that I’m getting into everything all at once, so I better keep focused and keep my head above water.  Jason, Christi, Marcus, and I went shopping together to get Christi some school stuff.  It was just like old times.  He has to go back to college when I do, so I will see him again.  He still inspires me and he still has that Les Miserables metal frame thing that I made for him.  He showed it to me and said he hangs it in his college dorm.

I had forgotten about that. 

April 17, 1994 – Sunday – 10:37 p.m.

Today was total joy!

Joy given by God!

But since I keep a Book of Days, I must focus on all days, even yesterday.

We had skit group practice yesterday at 10:00 a.m.  But before I explain that I must tell you that Friday after work I had to watch the two kids in Bonlee.  Their names are Joseph and Andrew by the way.  I called Tenielle after they were asleep.  We had a good talk, but in the end she began complaining and saying that I had a problem with pride and ego.  That is her opinion and I told her thank you for sharing it with me.  I’ve prayed about it and the Lord told me I don’t have a problem.

Saturday morning, Jenna and Tenielle showed up for skit practice, plus other people like Cheryl, Marcus, Tim, Wayne, Kevin, myself, and others.  I was directing a skit that I wrote.   But as before, since I am just regular old Jacob, no one gave me the respect I felt I deserved and no one listened.  I asked Pastor Steve to help out.  Everyone listened then.  It hurt.  It hurt a lot.

No one cares.

After we finally got finished with the skit, we helped wash the two buses.  Both Jenna and Tenielle asked me what was wrong.  I told them I’d be okay in a few months.  What I meant by that was when I go off to college, no one will know me so they will show me some respect.

I didn’t tell them that though.  They were mad at me for some reason and for the reason that I asked Pastor Steve for his help, so he gave everyone a lecture on respect and listening and made them all look stupid.

Both Jenna and Tenielle hung around Kevin all day.  I guess when Kevin rolled his eyes that time, it was just a cover up, because he sure didn’t seem to mind Tenielle hanging all over him all day.

Kevin came back with a friend for college who stayed the weekend with us.

Myself, Marcus, Scott, Joel, Joel’s nephew, Wayne, Cheryl, Jenna, Tenielle, Kevin, and his friend all went to San-Lee Park.

Jenna and Tenielle drove with Kevin and his friend in his friend’s Camaro.

Where Kevin was, Tenielle was.

I was supposed to drive them home after the bus washing thing, but instead they went to the park with us.  Afterwards, when we all left Kevin and his friend volunteered to take Jenna and Tenielle home, but their mom got really upset because she didn’t know where they had been.  Their mom said the next time she would charge Kevin with kidnapping and that I was the only one who can bring them home.  And even though Kevin is my brother, she didn’t care.  Their mom only trusts me.

A lot more happened yesterday, but it doesn’t matter anymore.  Jenna and Tenielle are just two friends who are mad at me simply because they are immature.  I’m wasting my time.  I’ll love them, but I will not give them my heart.

This will blow over though and we will laugh together at least once.

Today, however, was a day of total laughter, but it wasn’t with Jenna and Tenielle.

Marcus and I went to Cheryl’s house then we met Scott and Wayne and Ryan and Amy and went to Jordan Lake where we met up with Joel and his two nephews.  We had a great time.  Church tonight was amazing.

What matters is my calling.  I can’t fool around with my emotions.  I must look forward.  I can’t let other people slow me down.

I called Brandon this morning.  I asked him if he ever thought about this place.  He said, “not really.”  He doesn’t live in the past.  He focuses on where he is and where he is going.

I will do that soon.

Brandon, I too will soon leave this place and go to another place, almost a mile high into the air, like Prescott, Arizona.

March 20, 1994 – Sunday – 9:19 p.m.

Why God, why?!  I guess it’s just one of those things.

Friday I worked and watched the two kids.  The youth explosion was Saturday afternoon.  We met early to go through the skits a few times.  A lot of people showed up.  The skits went great.  It was a total blast; a time I will always cherish.  About five people got delivered from demons and I was so proud of Tenielle.  She went from one person to the next, praying for each one.  She has come a long way since that letter she wrote to Shane.

That’s my girl!  Tenielle, if you ever read this I want you to know that you are a great and mighty, beautiful, woman of God.

Jonathan dropped me off at the kids house last night.  I had to watch them again.  Marcus stayed to help clean up and he came home with Scott.

Now you know about all that junk that deals with Scott and Cheryl and Marcus, and I guess me since everyone has told me everything.

Well…dadgumit, there is just so much of the junk and I’ve had to explain all that I know to both Scott and Marcus at different times in the past 24 hours.  I’m sick of the whole situation.  I’m not going to tell you about it, because I feel like it would kill me if I had to explain it all again.

But Scott knows all and Marcus knows all.  Scott was in the wrong again and he must apologize.  Today I went to his house and this is all we talked about.  Hopefully it will blow over soon.

Jenna and Tenielle’s mom came to church this morning and tonight.  I talked to them both today, everything’s going great.  I’m seeing something in Tenielle that I knew would happen someday, but not so soon.  This 12-year-old girl loves to witness and minister.  I’ve never seen anything like it.

Jenna is still her sweet self, but the distance is still there.

Tonight the two of them were joking with me in church.  They kept silently saying something; I was supposed to read their lips.  It looked like they were saying “I love you,” but they were actually saying “Elephant Shoe.”  Look in a mirror and silently say that.  Pretty funny.

Scott and I went to the library to rent a movie.  We rented Amadeus, you know that Mozart movie.  There were three absolutely gorgeous girls there at the library.  One was so amazing.  I haven’t seen a girl that beautiful in a long long long time.  Dang!  It about knocked me down.

This morning Pastor Steve wanted us to do the Mask Skit.  We did.  Surprisingly, Amy and her mom showed up in church this morning. Amy used to be the lead girl in the Mask Skit.  Megan is now.  I wonder if it affected Amy in any way.

Things are continuing to change.  Some for the better, some for the worse.  But it doesn’t matter, because things are changing.  In the midst of it though, there are a few people who are leaning on me.  Yet I see no one I can lean on.

I need a fresh new person; someone I can trust with my life.  Someone who will stand up and be strong.

But instead I will go to bed and let this weekend only survive in my memory and my Book of Days.

I got a letter from my dad yesterday.  He misses me.  I was supposed to call him, but I forgot.  My dad knows nothing about how my life goes.  I guess that’s why I enjoy our conversations.  He doesn’t ask questions I don’t want to answer.

Well, there it is, I suppose I’ll go to bed now.  Oceans still move.  Waves still crash.  Where is that someone?  This life won’t stop to let me breathe.  I taste the tears of my eyes.  Some good tears.  Some bad.

Jesus, you are all that I need.  And you’re all that I have.  Give me rest tonight.  Let me sleep.  Let my friends sleep in your peace.

I love you Jesus.

February 1, 1994 – Tuesday – 9:20 p.m.

Before I explain the weekend, I will explain the first day of February to you.

We had an assembly today, it was about Africa.  There was a display also.  Looking at it, I thought of Ryan.  She wanted to be a missionary in Africa.  Now, I wonder if that will happen.  No, I still believe in her.  I won’t join everyone else.

Sunday was a great day.  We did a skit that we had practiced on Saturday.  I directed it.  It was about abortion.  People were crying.  I was a crippled, aborted baby and everyone including Shar, Tenielle, and Jenna said I looked incredibly real.

I’ve received two letters from Jenna and Tenielle since the last one, but I’m not going to write them in here.  They’re too long.  Jenna and Tenielle weren’t at the evening service.  Their mom still hasn’t gotten the transmission fixed in their car.

Saturday was another one of those “best days of my life” days.  We had band practice then skit group.  Both were wonderful times.  Afterwards, Marcus and I went shopping and then to visit Veronica’s family.  While over there, we watched Toys.  A weird movie.

Veronica was leaning on me while we were watching it; like the way she used to back in the days when…well, you know.  We left around quarter to six because I had talked to Tenielle on the phone earlier in the day and asked them if they needed a ride to youth group.  They did, so we went to pick them up.  The conversations we had that day are like diamonds to me.  Jenna is an amazing girl.

That night, after we took them back home, we jumped on their trampoline.  We laughed so hard.  I didn’t leave their house until 11:30 p.m.  Jenna is so beautiful; there is a beauty about her that I’ve never seen before.  She is getting to know me too well, because now she can tell when the slightest thing is wrong with me.  She always wants me to tell her a story about something I’ve done.

I wrote her a letter today.  I haven’t given it to her yet.  At the bottom of it I wrote the following to end the letter.  I wonder if she will figure it out:


If I had my way, this is the way the alphabet would be

But I don’t think the world will let me.”

January 22, 1994 – Saturday – 11:02 p.m.

Jenna just called me.  She wanted to make sure I got home alright.

But Friday came before this wonderful Saturday, so let me tell you about it first.  School was delayed two hours yesterday.  All my classes seem okay.  It’s going to be a wonderful semester.

That night I went to work.  Mike works at McDonald’s with me now.  Afterwards, I went home and we had a Lifeline Meeting.  It’s been a while since the last one.  Pam and Coy were there.  That was the first time I had seen them in over six months.  It brought back a lot of memories.

Today, or this morning, I got up and went to band practice.  Skit group was next, and we discussed a skit and then went into town to buy the music for it.

Afterwards, I tried to find someone to hang out with and I couldn’t find anyone.  I was alone this morning.  Marcus wasn’t with me.

So, I stopped by a Pantry and used a pay phone to call Jenna.  I asked them to go roller skating.  They were baby sitting next door, so I went down anyway and stayed there a few hours and visited with them and their mom and then we went.  Instead of roller skating, we went bowling and to the park.  I just got back and I’ll explain all the important stuff to you later.

I’m going to sleep now.  When Jenna called me, she said Tenielle was writing me a letter that very minute and Jenna had already written me one.  But as before, I’m tired, so I’ll write about that later.

Jenna is keeping a journal now, just like me.  So is Tenielle, and Tenielle told me that I am in Jenna’s a lot.

It’s all happening again.  But this time I have experience and I know what I’m doing.

I hope.

January 12, 1994 – Saturday – 10:00 p.m.

Ninety days of my senior year are over.  I have 90 more to go.

And then…well…you know.

At church tonight, Jenna and Tenielle and Shar were trying to get my attention while I was singing.  They got it and I noticed they were trying to make me sing louder.  I did, but they said later that they still couldn’t hear me.

Ryan was there tonight.  I said very little to her.  I miss her in a way.

I looked at Jenna a few times while I was singing.  She was looking at me.  She is a beautiful girl.

Right now I’m listening to the Power of One soundtrack.  I first heard all of this music last spring.  Just hearing it makes me feel the warm air.

I found an old letter from Veronica yesterday.  She wrote that she felt crazy because she wanted to see me and couldn’t.

Things have changed.

Big time.

There is another one of those “After Ballgame Parties” at Mr. Gatti’s this Friday.  I remember the first one.  Danielle’s dad must be a thief.

I want it to get warm again.

We have skit group practice this Saturday.  That is shocking.  We are also doing another one of those Door to Door ministry things.

Ninety days.

Five months.

The summer.

Should I put it in low gear and slowly slip away, or should I put it in high gear and have a blast with everyone and then leave with a snap of my fingers?  I have a closet full of junk, memories and stuff that I have to clean out before I leave.  The day I do that will be a painful day.

September 25, 1993 – Saturday – 11:47 p.m.

Things are weird now.

Let’s start with Friday.

School was okay and Ruth gave me a ride to work.  After work I went to the football game; we lost.  Peter was there.  I sat with him for a while.  I finally talked to Jonathan; he was there with Vicky.

Afterwards, I went to this “fifth quarter” shindig at a church out in the boonies.  It was fun and I played twister with some friends from school.  I got home around midnight.

Today came and we didn’t have singing practice, so I cleaned up my room since I needed room to put my 4’x3’ painting that I did in art class of Cosette from Les Miserables.  Everyone likes it.


I went to skit group today on this 25th day of September and I faced something I wasn’t ready to face.

Today I faced my future.  It scared me.

I was directing the skit and we didn’t really get a lot done.  No one was in the right mood to do much of anything, so I just took a break and they all went their separate ways.  My skit was falling apart, just like the Christmas play had fallen apart.

I was upset.  I have the vision, but it just wasn’t coming together.  Christi said it was because of the way the skit group is now.  Since Jason left it’s been dead and our pastor just doesn’t have the talent or the time to give it his all.  It’s just not the same anymore.

It’s been months since we performed the skits that Jason made.  My favorite was the worship skit.  It was the most beautiful song.  I never simply performed it; I always worshipped God with it.  Everyone was doing their own thing, but myself, Christi, Ryan, Cheryl, Amy, and Laura were in the Sanctuary and we got the old music and I said, “Guys, I’m going to play this music and I’m going to perform these skits one last time and get one last memory because I doubt I’ll have the chance to do them again.  If I have to do it myself, then I’ll do it myself.”

I pressed play.

The ancient music of the worship skit filled the sanctuary and I almost cried.

I went down to the stage and Christi and Ryan quickly followed.  Later Amy and Laura joined in.  Cheryl just couldn’t.  It was too sad for her.

We worshipped the Lord together there, with that song, that skit, one last time.

And I knew what to do; I didn’t mess up because it has been implanted in my memory.  I’ll never forget it.

My whole body is shaking right now.  I told the girls that I wish I could live my junior year over because this skit group and these wonderful friends gave me the love and attention that will last me the rest of my life.

If the Lord would let me, I would live my junior year over and over again and never move on.

Ryan, Jason, Christi, Cheryl, Amy, Marcus, Brandon, Anne.  I spent so much time with these eight people.  I love them all.  I miss being an Emmanuel Player.  I don’t want to grow up.  I want things to be like they were.

Thank you Jesus for the times I’ve spent with these people and how much they have taught me.

I also spent a lot of time with Veronica, she taught me much, but come to think of it, I received more love from the eight people above than I did from her.

I’m a little disappointed because Nana tried to get Ryan’s Les Miserables ticket and she was unable to get one; they were all sold out.  November 19, 1993 will not be as special now.  I’m not looking forward to it like I was.  I’ll still go, but no matter how good it is, it would be a hundred times better if Ryan were sitting beside me.  I told her about Lees-McRae college and how I’m looking into it.  When I said it was in Banner Elk, she went crazy and said that her uncle owns a ski resort up there and they usually go up there and ski for free.

That cannot be just a coincident; it has to be the Lord.  Thank you Jesus.

I know that soon I’ll leave Siler City and Sanford one day.  I’ll leave it physically.  But I wonder if I’ll ever leave it emotionally or spiritually.

No, I doubt I will.

These memories hurt, but I don’t want them to fade away.

If you ever drive down Spring Lane in Sanford and pass by my old church many years from now, no matter the date, I will still be there, falling in love with everything around me.

September 2, 1993 – Thursday – 9:45 p.m

September 2nd.

September 2nd.

That’s impossible!

It can’t be September already.

But it is.  I guess that means I was having fun.

This year in Spanish II, I sit in the same seat I did last year in Spanish I.  The same people who sat around me last year sit around me this year.  Today, Mr. Benton said something funny that reminded me of something funny he said last year.  It seemed like time didn’t pass and I was still in 1992.

But time has passed.

Last year about this time, the skit group was on a roll.  We were getting new skits together and I was so much infatuated with Ryan.  Skit group practice has been some of the best times of my life.  We still have it, but it is not the same.  Brandon is gone.  Anne is gone.  Jason our leader is gone.  Kevin is gone.

Those days are gone.

I want them back so bad, but life doesn’t work that way.  They were here for a season and now they are gone.


Even if I could live one of those days over again it would be so painful.  Just knowing that it was in the past and that it would never return would be too much to bear.

Where are they?


Only my memories?

I want more.

September 2nd?


Please NO!

Why is life like this?  Even the most joyful times of my life end up causing a little pain.  I don’t want to grow up.  Not yet!

A senior in high school?  It’s too soon!

Retrospect hurts.

I want to stay a child just a little bit longer.  What’s the rush?

I want to go to skit group practice again.

I want to talk to Ryan in the balcony of her high school theater on September 12, 1992 again.

I want to have a lock-in at church during Halloween again, fasting all night for the lost, breaking that fast at the crack of dawn with day old pizza, and watching a sleepy Ryan and a sleepy Christi as they laid their heads on each other’s shoulders.

But it is only a Winter Dream.  No matter how much I wish, tomorrow will come.  And then September 4th, and 5th, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and then the 12th.

September 12, 1993 is going to be a painful day for me.  Help me God.

Brandon called me yesterday.  He wants me to come see him during Christmas.  I want to, but flying to Arizona costs a lot of money.

I miss him.

My best friend moved away!