March 9, 2000 – Thursday – 5:15 p.m.

Oh how the weeks go by.

I’m here in my Virginia Beach apartment.  The weather is nice.  I’m listening to Rebecca St. James, and I just got finished looking at some old journals.

My! how I have changed!

I want my life to be made up of God, Marie, and film/theater.  In that order.

I once was a child, and I praise God for such days.  And I think I’m also thankful that I have such days written down.  My emotions definitely feel more stable at this age of 23.  Hopefully these pages will no longer contain fleeting crushes.

Marie is my one true special friend for all of time.  Tomorrow is our special friend day.  We will spend it at Munden Point Park again.  It’s down near the North Carolina state line.  The water we sit by flows into North Carolina.

Even though I love North Carolina, I like being in Virginia with Marie.  You know what they say, Virginia is for lovers.

I have applied for another job; this time with the Virginia Opera.  Hopefully something will become of it.

Pilate opens tonight.  This is not my most favorite show I’ve ever been a part of, but it is an original work, so that’s worth something in and of itself.  I’m the first person to ever play the character of Luke.

In the Flesh opens at the end of March.  That means I’ll have done three original, never-before-attempted roles while here at Regent.  I’m not sure if I’ll try to do any theater next year.  I’d like to spend the next year just working and writing.

Please have your way with me God.

May the summer move slowly.

Bless all my friends as they marry each other this summer.

And take care of sweet Marie.

April 17, 1994 – Sunday – 10:37 p.m.

Today was total joy!

Joy given by God!

But since I keep a Book of Days, I must focus on all days, even yesterday.

We had skit group practice yesterday at 10:00 a.m.  But before I explain that I must tell you that Friday after work I had to watch the two kids in Bonlee.  Their names are Joseph and Andrew by the way.  I called Tenielle after they were asleep.  We had a good talk, but in the end she began complaining and saying that I had a problem with pride and ego.  That is her opinion and I told her thank you for sharing it with me.  I’ve prayed about it and the Lord told me I don’t have a problem.

Saturday morning, Jenna and Tenielle showed up for skit practice, plus other people like Cheryl, Marcus, Tim, Wayne, Kevin, myself, and others.  I was directing a skit that I wrote.   But as before, since I am just regular old Jacob, no one gave me the respect I felt I deserved and no one listened.  I asked Pastor Steve to help out.  Everyone listened then.  It hurt.  It hurt a lot.

No one cares.

After we finally got finished with the skit, we helped wash the two buses.  Both Jenna and Tenielle asked me what was wrong.  I told them I’d be okay in a few months.  What I meant by that was when I go off to college, no one will know me so they will show me some respect.

I didn’t tell them that though.  They were mad at me for some reason and for the reason that I asked Pastor Steve for his help, so he gave everyone a lecture on respect and listening and made them all look stupid.

Both Jenna and Tenielle hung around Kevin all day.  I guess when Kevin rolled his eyes that time, it was just a cover up, because he sure didn’t seem to mind Tenielle hanging all over him all day.

Kevin came back with a friend for college who stayed the weekend with us.

Myself, Marcus, Scott, Joel, Joel’s nephew, Wayne, Cheryl, Jenna, Tenielle, Kevin, and his friend all went to San-Lee Park.

Jenna and Tenielle drove with Kevin and his friend in his friend’s Camaro.

Where Kevin was, Tenielle was.

I was supposed to drive them home after the bus washing thing, but instead they went to the park with us.  Afterwards, when we all left Kevin and his friend volunteered to take Jenna and Tenielle home, but their mom got really upset because she didn’t know where they had been.  Their mom said the next time she would charge Kevin with kidnapping and that I was the only one who can bring them home.  And even though Kevin is my brother, she didn’t care.  Their mom only trusts me.

A lot more happened yesterday, but it doesn’t matter anymore.  Jenna and Tenielle are just two friends who are mad at me simply because they are immature.  I’m wasting my time.  I’ll love them, but I will not give them my heart.

This will blow over though and we will laugh together at least once.

Today, however, was a day of total laughter, but it wasn’t with Jenna and Tenielle.

Marcus and I went to Cheryl’s house then we met Scott and Wayne and Ryan and Amy and went to Jordan Lake where we met up with Joel and his two nephews.  We had a great time.  Church tonight was amazing.

What matters is my calling.  I can’t fool around with my emotions.  I must look forward.  I can’t let other people slow me down.

I called Brandon this morning.  I asked him if he ever thought about this place.  He said, “not really.”  He doesn’t live in the past.  He focuses on where he is and where he is going.

I will do that soon.

Brandon, I too will soon leave this place and go to another place, almost a mile high into the air, like Prescott, Arizona.

April 6, 1994 – Wednesday – 12:20 a.m.

It just turned Wednesday, but to me it is still Tuesday.

Nate and I left around 11:20 to go to Jenna and Tenielle’s.  They’re mom had to take someone to the hospital so she didn’t cut my hair until later.  Louie and some other friends of Jenna and Tenielle’s were over.  They were all helping fix up the yard.  I helped.

Tenielle asked me if I read Marcus’s letter.  I simply said, “I haven’t taken it out of my wallet since I put it in there.”  She said, “good.”  But the truth is I put it in my wallet after I read it.  She acts like she wants me to read it though.  Girls…

We all had fun today.  It was another best day of my life.  We joked around and ate spaghetti for lunch.  It was only us there most of the day because their mom was out for a long time.  Tenielle told me that Louie was jealous because her and Jenna always hug on me all the time.  But there is nothing for him to be jealous of, trust me.  After their mom came back and she cut my hair, we all went to Pizza Hut.  Nate acted crazy.

After we got back, Nate and I left to go home since it was close to 7:00 p.m.

I just got finished writing Jenna a letter.  She told me to write her one and to type it so I did.

I guess I was noticing Tenielle a little more than normal, but something would be wrong me if I didn’t.  

Tonight I prayed as usual and this is what the Lord told me, “Jacob, you must live on.  Your life is a story, a story we are writing together.  You must live and you must write.  You must go on.  For in the end, great will be your reward.”

I almost cried.

I will live on.

I will write it down.

And it is normal for my emotions to get in the way when I spend time with girls as wonderful and as beautiful as Jenna and Tenielle.  I’m human.

I have my own story.  A story which no one else will live.

I will write this story.

This is my story.

January 17, 1994 – Monday – 12:46 p.m.

Today is my older brother’s birthday.  He is 19.  

A few minutes earlier my whole body was shaking.  I couldn’t control it.  Ever since I woke up I’ve been thinking of Jenna and Tenielle. Jenna mostly.

Yesterday morning they weren’t at church.  I went to Scott’s after church and they showed up to the evening service.  I had a letter for Jenna, answering the questions she asked me when she wrote me.  I was up on stage and I didn’t have a chance to give it to her.  Shar’s whole family, Sunny, Jenna, and Tenielle all got up and left a few minutes after Shurby began preaching.  At first I was sort of confused.  But I figured it must have been an emergency if the whole family left.  So this morning, I mailed Jenna her letter.

This is what Jenna’s letter said.  It shows her age a little bit, but I still found it sweet:

“Jacob, I think the youngest age for you should be 14.  Don’t get mad at me, but why did you like Veronica?  I don’t think Veronica knows how to act in front of anyone, even though I really don’t know her.  But if 14 doesn’t work, go to 15.  Do you want to go with anybody?  I think Cheryl likes you.  I asked her Sunday night who she liked, she said some boy at her school, but I think she likes you.  Do you think she does because of the way she acts?  Do you still like Tenielle even though she’s 12?  You look like a cherry on the stage, I think it’s funny but not in a bad way.  Please answer this question: when is the last time you cried?  Please don’t lie to me, I’m not going to make fun of you.  Please tell me the reason you cried, too.  Do you know Steve, Melissa’s brother?  He goes with Shar, but don’t tell anyone.  Do you think they are a good couple or is he kind of perverted?  Not that I’m interested but how do you act when you go with someone?”

I answered all her questions.  When she asked me if I want to go with anybody, I said no, because I’m going off to college soon and it would be simpler if I were just friends with that person.  And when she asked me if I still like Tenielle, I said “Yes, I like her the same way I like you.”

And I do.  I like them both.  I enjoy being around them.  Jenna will be 14 in March and that’s only three years.  When I liked Ryan, she was 14 and 15; same with Christi.

But earlier today, I didn’t know what to do.  I want to get close to Tenielle and Jenna, but I just don’t want to get hurt.  

My life is a book.  And I’m writing it down.  I want to be honest with myself and never cover up how I really feel.  But sometimes, I just don’t know how I feel.