June 28, 1994 – Tuesday – 11:45 p.m.

It’s pretty late.  I just got back from work.

Today I went to Asheboro with Jonathan.  We just went shopping.  I bought some sunglasses.  I learned today that I did a very smart thing.  I sort of got away from Jenna and Tenielle recently because I saw what is currently happening on the horizon.

I got away because I didn’t want to get hurt.

Kevin and Marcus really chase after and pursue girls they are interested in.

Me?  Well I just let it happen.  I don’t chase and pursue, I sit back and observe and let things develop naturally.

Well it worked.  This all doesn’t matter to me anymore and therefore it doesn’t hurt.

Jenna and Tenielle…well everything lasts for a season.

Marcus kissed Jenna on the cheek Sunday night.  Like I said, they are only objects in the rear view mirror.

But somewhere out there is a girl who will not be an object in the rear view mirror.  She will be a passenger in my car, my soul.  We will journey down the highway together, over the mountains, down into the valleys, together forever.

Somewhere in the world tonight she is asleep.  Where ever you are, I am coming to you.  And I will be there soon to take away your pain.

 

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June 14, 1994 – Tuesday – 7:32 p.m.

I’ve calmed down some, but I’m still hurt.

I’ll never look at him the same way again.  I thought about taking everything and throwing it all away.  When he find that it is gone, he won’t have the gut to say something to me.  He knows he is in the wrong.

I don’t think I have the guts to do that though.  It will make him think though.

What happened to this world?  Why can’t everything be pure?  I brought my photo album to show my dad my life, but every girl he sees he probably imagines them naked.  There’s no way I’m going to let him think that way about my friends.

Sorry dad, but you have completely lost your son’s respect.  In fact, I don’t even like call you dad.

Will I tell anyone?  Should I tell Kevin?

No, why ruin his picture of his dad by telling him the truth about our father.

But he is 43.  He has to be his own man.  He must make his own decisions.  He has fallen from God, he doesn’t go to church, and he has a demon of lust living in him.  He complains constantly about everything.  He lives with his parents.  What a loser!

He is my father, but I am nothing like him.  I have his nose and that’s about it.

May 3, 1994 – Tuesday – 9:30 p.m.

Tenielle called me earlier in the afternoon.  She told me that she and Jenna were going skating tonight and she wanted me to come.  She begged but I told her that I wouldn’t be able to make it.  She was disappointed.  I hope she thought of me, while I was there.

Well, this section of the notebook is about over and so is My 5th Book of Days.  Time to find another little green notebook.

So, what was this one about?  Easy, it was about Jenna and Tenielle.  The happiness, the sorrow, the need, the impossible.  It was about me realizing that time was flying by and the days were counting down.  It was about hope, and alive grass, and milk.  It was about the world and how I saved it in time.  It was about hurt, and how I long for something so close, yet so far away.  It was about U and I.  It was about leaving the past, living the present, and looking into the future.

My 5th Book of Days!  From the beginning of 1994 to May 3rd.  A little over four months.

A year ago, Ryan wore sandals at Kiwanis park.

Hmm.

My next Book of Days will contain my graduation, and most, if not all, of the summer of 1994.  That includes Deep Creek!

Also my farewell and departure from this lifetime as I venture into another world, another place, another life.

What will it be like to read my journal when I’m eighty?  Will I cry?  Will I know Jenna and Tenielle then?

Christi and Ryan were once important to me and I hardly know them now.

Why do I still mention their names?

Why does Veronica suddenly pop into my head sometimes whenever I’m driving down the road?

Is this going to happen for the rest of my life?  Or will I forget?

Nevertheless, I write.

No matter what happens, I write.

I write my life.  This wonderful life; all the joys given by God.

These are the best days of my life.

One more book of this life here and then I’ll move on.

I have been here simple to love, 

To witness and experience joy and fun.

Soon, I’ll leave calmly, like a dove;

The way night comes, when day is done.

April 17, 1994 – Sunday – 8:17 a.m.

It’s Sunday Morning!

Everyone is getting ready for church.

Something happened yesterday.  Yesterday was not a good day.  I only found two joys in it.

One was when Marcus and Scott and I had a good laugh when I told Scott to fork off on the upcoming road.  He thought I had said something else.

The other was when I was at San-Lee Park and I took off my sandals to run barefoot in the grass.

The rest of yesterday hurts.

It hurts a lot.  But the grass in which I ran barefoot was alive again.  There is hope somewhere.

January 17, 1994 – Monday – 10:20 p.m.

Marcus came over today and he said he needed to talk to me.  He needed to talk to me about Cheryl.  For a while now Cheryl has been telling me things about how Marcus has been showing her a lot of attention.  Well Marcus knows that Cheryl has told me all of these things because he has seen Cheryl talk to me.  Well he tells me he really likes Cheryl and that he wants a relationship with her.

Wow!!

I just told him that Cheryl mentioned it to me.  But the truth is Cheryl told me a lot about it.

Cheryl called me about two hours ago and she said Marcus called her and she had to break his heart.  She said it was the hardest thing she ever did.

Another chapter for Marcus.  He got hurt again.

Around 4:15 I called Jenna and Tenielle.  When I woke up this morning I told myself not to call them, but I did anyway.  They’re doing well.  I love the way they laugh, I found myself laughing that way earlier.  Tenielle bought me a Snickers yesterday, when I was taking them home.  Jenna asked me how long I had known her yesterday.  I wish I could relive that drive again. Oh, and I found out that they left church last night because Shar got sick.

Today, I just told them about some crazy stuff from my past.  Cheryl, Kevin, and Marcus, won’t let me see the end of this thing with Jenna and Tenielle.  They keep picking on me.  I sort of enjoy it, but we are only friends.  But how far can a friendship go before it’s considered more than a friendship?

I hope I don’t find out, but then I hope I do.

Jacob, Jacob…control your emotions.  You’re letting this go to your head.

January 9, 1994 – Sunday – 10:59 p.m.

The day did contain some hurt.  It hurts to think about it.

When I came into church this morning, I saw two beautiful girls:  Veronica and Sherry.

They hugged me and said, “This is our last service here.”

It hit me all at once.  All this stuff got to Shirley, so now, she is leaving too.  And taking her family, my friends, with her.  They weren’t even staying for the main service.  They were leaving after Sunday School.  I walked them out to their car and I probably hugged Veronica and Sherry ten times each.  Sure, I’ll see them again.  But it won’t be the same.  They told me to visit anytime.  And I will.

Other than that, the day was good.  The service was great.  I talked to Jenna and Tenielle a little.  It was nice.

Ryan and Amy were there in the morning.

Ryan is still beautiful.

Veronica is still beautiful.

Christi is like a shadow of the past.

These three girls meant so much to me.  Where are they now?

I recall all the events in my mind.  All the talks.  All the walks.  The innocence.

I wish I could go back, but life doesn’t work that way.

Yesterday is yesterday.  And tomorrow is still a day away.

I’m afraid I was right when I said that life is simply a collection of greetings and farewells and the love you share in-between.

I want so bad to get to know Jenna and Tenielle.  But I’m scared.  Whoever says “hello,” must one day say “goodbye.”

I don’t want to get close because my day to say goodbye is coming in eight months.

Goodbye to everyone but my God and my Book of Days.

 

January 8, 1994 – Saturday – 10:47 p.m.

The day is over.  This day contained a lot.  Too much.  So much it hurts.

It hurts…

Somebody take it away.

This morning I woke up at 6:30 a.m.  The day began.  I showered and got dressed.  Then at 7:25 a.m., I left for Sanford.  Marcus did not come with me.  He had other stuff to do.

I prayed on the way to church.

This morning the praise and worship band went to Shoney’s for breakfast; as they do the beginning of every year.  We made some changes in some stuff and went back to church to practice.  It doesn’t really affect me, since I’m just a backup singer.  Cheryl wasn’t there this morning.

Practice was over around 12:30 p.m.  I then went to Veronica’s house.  I went by to see them because they haven’t been coming to church as much as they used to.

Today, I’m afraid I found out why.

I watched a little of “Drop Dead Fred” and then Shirley asked me a question, “Jacob, do you know the whole story of why Christi’s family isn’t at church anymore?”

I said, “Well, I’ve talked to Christi,” and then told her our recent conversation.

Then she told me that she talked to Christi’s mom in Roses a while back.  She explained it all to me.

It turned out…I didn’t know a thing!

I will not go into detail, but Christi’s Dad and Pastor Steve were always at odds with each other.  Therefore, Steve had been hurt and he could never receive anything from them.

Then Pastor Steve and Christi’s mom talked and got into an argument.  And Pastor Steve was in the wrong in what he said, but he has his opinion.  So Christi’s family and Ryan’s family would hang out together and just talk.  Pastor Steve accused them of having secret meetings in which they were talking bad about the church.

There is obviously a lot more to the story, but to sum it all up, Christi’s family was kicked out of the church.

And that is why I haven’t seen much of Ryan and Amy, or of Veronica and her family.  They still come off and on, but not regularly like before.

I ate lunch with Shirley and Veronica and then I left.  I stopped by to see Scott, but he was at work and wouldn’t be at youth group tonight.  I got all that information from his mother, who was headed out the door when I showed up.

So, I drove off.  I thought about going to see Christi or Ryan and Amy, but I wasn’t sure.

Truthfully, I was scared.  I didn’t want to face the present.  So, instead, I went to visit them in the past.

I went to San Lee Park.  Earlier in 1993 the youth group was there one day and Christi and Ryan were practicing their skit which they choreographed and performed to The Power of One soundtrack.  

I remember last spring when I watched them.  Christi had a pair of cut off jean shorts.  They were cut so high the pockets were hanging out of the front.  I sat there on that fresh soft green grass so many months ago and I watched those two girls dance.

Today, I walked through the cold winter air onto that same patch of grass.  I looked down and became very aware that the grass was dead.

The grass had died.

I walked around some more and thought about everything.  Then I asked myself, “What am I doing here?”

Suddenly, I knew the answer.  I want so much to hold onto the past, but I can’t.  It is dead.

It died like the grass.  The brown, dry, ugly grass.

I left San Lee Park.

And I decided to go to Wayne’s house.  It was around 4:45 p.m.

I stayed there.  I was going to take him to youth group.  While there, Jenna called and I talked to her and Tenielle.

They are my friends, nothing more.  We had a nice conversation, and then we went to youth group.  Their mom’s transmission messed up, so they couldn’t come to youth group.

At youth group, we prayed and learned and had a great time.  Cheryl was there and she said that her and Ryan had gotten in a fight.  She didn’t tell me what about.  

After youth group, I took Wayne home and then I went home.  Once I got here, at 10:00 p.m., I called Ryan and Amy and talked to them both.  I miss them so much.  Ryan told me about their fight.  It’s sort of major, but I’m sure they’ll get over it.  It was just a misunderstanding.

They said they would be at church tomorrow.

As will I.

Another Sunday.  Another service.  Hopefully not another day of hurt.