June 21, 1997 – Saturday – 12:10 p.m.

People change.

Life is strange.

Tracey has become a rude and hurtful individual, especially to Jeni and myself.  The people who occupy this summer theater residence hall are talented, but my heart goes out to them.  They simply don’t know truth, and it doesn’t seem they want to.

As an example there is Mariesa from Florida, near Miami, and her brother Mason, soon to be a student at LMC, plus their mother Dana.  To them, church is a place to catch up on sleep.  I spent some time with Mariesa in the computer lab.  She’s funny and pretty on the outside, but totally lost.

They have a condo up on Sugar Mountain and I went up there with Jeni and Tracey and a few others.  I found joy by playing with their camcorder and walking alone on the ski slope.  But as we were leaving, Jeni backed her car off the road.  It took all of us, plus an hours worth of time, to push it back on.

I am not appreciated by many people here.  I am looked over.  And that is good.

Allen, Vince, Dan, Curtis, Jeni, Jessica, and Sharon and her family are the ones I share my life with.

I called Regent University in Virginia Beach.  They are sending me an application and information on their film school.

I do not know what the summer of ’98 will bring, but by the beginning of September I will be creating a new home.  God is preparing me to leave Lees-McRae College, Banner Elk, and Avery County.  My time here will always be treasured, but I must move on.  These friends here will last forever, but I must move ahead.

I give this life to my Holy Father.  I don’t want to live it on my own.  There is so much I don’t understand, but I know he does.

Here I am.  That’s all I know how to say.  Here I am.

June 14, 1997 – Saturday – 1:00 a.m.

Orientation was today.  I met some soon to be new students; two beautiful tennis players from Texas named Monica and Amber.  I will drive them to the airport tomorrow.  I also met a new Performing Arts major named Sarah.

I spent some time with Kim, she’s part of the orientation committee.  We talked and laughed a lot together.  She complemented me on my hair.  And I worked with Lindy in the box office.  We have such a good time, just hours of laughter.  I later watched the NBA championship with Samarah, played with Mangus, Allison and Craig’s cat, and visited with Tracey, Jeni, and Ann-Marie.

And now I’m in my bed in the middle of the night.  I just mentioned nine different girls.  I wonder if any of them are Her?  Right now the closest thing feels to be the Durango postcard on my wall.  There’s a foot and four inches between us, but we often seem to be on the same level.  I went and took a picture of her favorite tree the other day.

I like it when I miss people.  Reminds me that they really do matter.  You can’t miss someone unless you first genuinely share your life with them.

June 5, 1997 – Thursday – 11:50 p.m.

Let’s see, what has happened these past couple of days?  The box office has opened; business is slow.  Lindy, my assistant, and I have wonderful conversations while we work.  She is simply great.  Last night Jeni and Tracey and I spent the night at a house down in Foscoe (they were house sitting).  I fell down the stairs; it really scared me.  I went swimming with Allen, Vince, and Laura on Wednesday.  Been chatting with MovieMark on the Rebecca St. James chatline, and he isn’t doing too well.  I got Jerry Maquire in the mail and I’ve watched it a couple of times already.  And, well, we leave for Promise Keepers in the morning.

Life has never felt so fast.

Will this ever slow down?

May 31, 1997 – Saturday – 10:45 p.m.

Tracey, Allen, and I plus a few others went out to eat last night and saw Donnie Brasco.  Good story.  Great movie.

This morning I went for a walk.  I explored the area around Elk River.  It was so beautiful and green.  I had such a good time exploring and praying.

Mrs. Kacy took Stacey and I out to eat at Stone Walls today.  It’s a really nice restaurant close to campus, but I’ve never been able to afford to eat there before.  I had trout with almonds.

This summer may be the most perfect and peaceful summer I’ve ever known.

April 13, 1997 – Sunday – 1:45 p.m.

I ran sound for the Dance Concert Friday night and Saturday afternoon.  It was one of the best concerts I’ve seen here.  Saturday morning, I called my brother Kevin.  We talked for over an hour.  The Lord has blessed me with a wonderful brother.  I love him to death.

I also called Veronica.  She lives in Hot Springs, Arkansas.  She is 15-years-old and in the 10th grade.  She still plans to be a doctor.  She sounded wonderful.  She even talked about the Lord.  Her heart is in the right place.

I talked to little Jasmine and to Sherry and Shirley.  She invited me to come and stay sometime.  Perhaps I’ll fly out there for Fall Break.  She told me Veronica was so amazingly beautiful.

I miss the innocence of those days.  I want to be pure.  To be innocent.

Saturday night I thought about calling up Jessica and going for a walk.  But I thought I should be alone.  So I began to walk towards Hemlock Hill in my solitude when I heard a tiny and beautiful “hello.”

It was Jessica.  We walked together as the sun set down behind the mountains.  I spent sometime in her room after the walk.  We ate popcorn and talked.  Abigail came in with her mom.  When she saw me she said, “It’s Jacob!” like she used to before I scared her away.  It was great to hear my name in her voice again.  We will be fine.

Everyone’s parents were here for the weekend to see the concert.  They were staying in the Pinnacle Inn.  I visited with them.  Ann-Marie’s, Abigail’s, and Tracey’s parents were all there.

The Water Gun Assassination Game is set up and all the sealed envelopes with everyone’s first assignment are under everyone’s door.  The game will start tomorrow.  I’m excited to see how it starts out.

I love you Lord.

April 11, 1997 – Thursday – 1:30 p.m.

Yesterday, Abigail and I made small conversation at lunch.  We laughed and smiled, even cracked a few jokes on each other.   Nearly three weeks until she is gone.

Vince and I went to Boone after lunch and I bought some T-shirts and a CD.  We had a lot of fun.  The dance concert was last night and we went to Bible Study after that.

Dan, Allen, and I played F-Zero until 12:30 in the morning.  We do that a lot and laugh the whole time.  Vince now buys his clothes according to Laura’s favorite color.  Curtis has never been more likable and lovable.  He has grown and changed.  He has found himself and he’s moving on to share that understanding with others.

Jeni still cries over David.  Tracey and I will work together over the summer; Timothy and Ann-Marie will be here too.  Jessica is my favorite girl here.  We have so much fun together.  She is going to Colorado for the summer.

I think that Josh is the one that keeps us all alive however.  He’s so small in frame, yet so much in laughs.

I interviewed for the Assistant Resident Director position for next year, and I’m currently planning a water gun assassination game.  It starts Monday.

 

April 5, 1997 – Saturday – 6:40 p.m.

It’s April 5th already.  Vince has been at the beach all week with Laura and her family.  Josh and Timothy are in Charlotte on a costuming field trip.  And I am not on duty.  It’s been a pleasant day.  My windows are wide open and the spring wind is blowing in.

Last night I hiked with Jessica and Todd for six miles to see a beautiful view of Boone.  It grew dark and cold, but Jessica and I had so much fun just talking and laughing.  She is so cool to be around.

Jeni, Tracey, Ann-Marie, and Abigail don’t talk or spend as much time with me as they used to.  I don’t know what it is.  I try to talk, I don’t believe I’ve done anything.  They just don’t respond like they used to.  It’s like there is a fog in their eyes when they are with me, like they’d rather be somewhere else.

Why do we hurt each other?  What is so hard about waltzing in the flowers?  Or even the grass?

We are the earth’s flowers, yet we choke each other at the roots.

I am a dandelion, waiting for God to blow my spirit away.

I don’t think I belong here.  It’s hard to grow in this pavement.  Loving eyes quickly turn to daggers of hatred.

People are changing.  I only long to grow in Jesus.  Am I still the same?  I think I am.

I would rather grow alone in an open field with my God, than to try to grow with others in their pavement.  But I still long for them to water my soul.  And I want to care for them as well.

When will we be free God?