July 16, 1997 – Wednesday – 10:45 a.m.

Monday night was amazing.  Rebecca St. James puts on a wonderful concert!  There was an altar call during the concert and I went up.  I needed for God to break me and recreate me.  It’s time for me to grow to the next level.

Last night I was asked to drive some Alumni up to the top of Beech Mountain.  We met a tour guide up there and toured around the old Land of Oz.  There was a museum there with actual costumes and props from the movie.  We got to walk through the life size replica of Dorothy’s house, and we followed the yellow brick road.  Everything was just beautiful and amazing!  Realizing I was in a magical land in a small town that sits higher than any other town in the Eastern United States, I left the group and walked ahead on my own.

After I turned a corner I stopped and looked around since I was totally alone.  And there I saw what I thought was a statue of a deer.  Only the statue turned and looked at me, so I quickly realized it was a real deer.  I expected her to immediately run away, but instead she just bent down to eat some grass.

I took a step closer, still expecting her to run, but she didn’t.  She lifted up her head from the grass and looked me in the eyes.  I took a few more steps closer and then the deer walked closer to me.  She was so beautiful.

After a few more steps we were right in front of each other.  I knelt down and she took a step closer and sniffed my cheek and my mouth.

No fear.

Nothing.

She saw me for who I was and touched her nose to my face, then softly licked my cheek.

It was a taste of heaven.

No fear or hate.

Only love.

Love.

On this Wednesday morning a thunder storm is brewing over Banner Elk.  I can hear the thunder rolling now.  The skies are darkening.

The wind has caught up with this flower and broken it.

I am dying, only to be raised.

The wind will soon blow my petals to another land and there I will grow again.

But one thing is clear, God wanted me here in this land and in this time.  He brought me to these mountains to kiss me.  May your name forever be praised!

July 14, 1997 – Monday – 9:30 a.m.

Yesterday morning I led Sunday School.  The service was really great.  Brent, our new pastor, is hilarious.

We went grocery shopping after church, then headed to the park and had a cookout with two other youth groups from the area.

Jason was there with us.  We played Ultimate Frisbee and our team won.  It was a lot of fun.

Rebecca St. James is playing at Gardner Webb University tonight.  I called and reserved some tickets.  Dan, Allen, and possibly Kate are going with me.  I’m so excited!

Last night the youth group came over and we all watched That Thing You Do!

A girl named Sherlive also came over.  She will be a freshman in the fall.

I can’t wait until tonight!

July 12, 1997 – Saturday – 9:20 p.m.

We are back in Banner Elk.  After my entry last night, I feel asleep in Charlie’s newly purchased tent.  We got up early this morning and after I took a hike to Juneywhank Falls, we ate breakfast at McDonald’s, rented tubes and went tubing.  The tubing was great; the warm sun above us, the cool water below.  On the way out, I got a banana split with extra cherries.  And we ate at Pizza Hut and I stood on that ledge.

Again, it was the same picture.  And I can now move on with my life.

All that lies behind me, all those 21 years.  They are now simply a life already lived.  The majority of those days have been lived for God.  Some moments were not, they were lived for me.  All I have is this moment in front of me.

I have this desire to run out and say “hello” to every person I come across, but it is as if their own faces hold me back.

So many visits to that ancient creek and yet it never changes, only I do.

I am a little blonde haired boy changing into a smarter little blonde haired boy, wishing he knew nothing.

I think I’ve been doing this wrong.  I must have misunderstood.  I keep looking at myself. But all of these memories, all of these moments, they are nothing but a movie in my mind.  It’s like I’m tickling myself.  I use my life to create laughter in my own life.

To me it is everything, but it is nothing to others.

There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow.  Ecclesiastes 1:11.

I am having fun, but what does that mean?

Be happy, young man, while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth.  Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things, God will bring you to judgement.  So, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless.  Ecclesiastes 11:9, 10.

I will soon return to dust and no one will ever read this book I am writing about my life.

Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of a man.  Ecclesiastes 12:13.

What does God command of me?  He commands me to love him and love others.

Life is not about clothes, or movies, or brand names, or even these pages of my memory.

Life is not about money, music, or sex.

Life is not about beauty, long legs, or perfect breasts.

Life is not about me.

Life is about one thing:

Love.

Continually giving to and serving other people.

And I think I just now figured that out.

July 11, 1997 – Friday – 11:55 p.m.

I’m at Deep Creek.  Charlie got a call earlier today from Jason.  He was here the first semester of my Freshman year.  Well, he only lives 30 minutes down the road, so he met up with us and is going camping with us.

We set up camp, then drove to Cherokee and did some Go-Kart racing and played miniature golf.  We also drove on the Blue Ridge Parkway and told scary stories.

But on the way back, Allen bought some little cigars and he and Vince have been smoking.  Well, I guess they say they are only puffing on them, but I’m not sure of the difference.  Perhaps I’m weird, but it makes me uncomfortable.  I left and went on a walk.  When I came back, they wanted to go for a walk.  I was angry with them because of the cigars and for the fact that they peed on the ground and not in the restroom.  I’ve been coming here for several years and I know beautiful young girls like Emily walk around on this holy ground in their bare feet.  I couldn’t believe they would pee on the ground a few feet from the restroom.  Who does that?

While on my walk, I was flooded with memories.  Although it’s only been four years since I came here with Danny, Peter, Marcus, and Kevin, they are the ones who fit this place the best.  My dear friends I’m with now don’t know the unspoken rules of this place.  They don’t know how it’s supposed to work or how it’s supposed to feel.

While walking, I remembered precious moments with Syndi and Emily.  I even remembered the days with Brandon and all he did was flirt with every girl he saw.  Jonathan came with me once.  Then all the family reunions I’ve had here.

But I think I had the most fun with Syndi.  This land will always be tied to those precious days of us walking hand in hand in these woods.

These guys here now simply don’t belong.  They have no idea.  They don’t know what each mountain tree and rock means to me.  This place is my home; as much as any other place in the world.

July 11, 1997 – Friday – 8:00 a.m.

We leave today at 2:00 p.m. to spend 24 hours at Deep Creek near Bryson City, NC.  I just read about my last Deep Creek trip two years ago with Syndi.  We sure knew how to have fun.  I was her “hubby” for that trip.  Each time I visit, I stand above that never-changing scene next to the Pizza Hut in town.  And there I seem to let everything go.  I say goodbye to the previous year and I feel good about leaving it behind in my Book of Days.

Three years ago on this date I was arrived in Deep Creek.  I thought I was there to say goodbye and I did in a way, but I said goodbye to the Deep Creek of the past.  Now I go with a different group of people and with different friends.

Because, I am different.

Lees-McRae and Banner Elk are now a part of me and they have changed me.  This is who I am.  And I have to let it go at the small cliff near Pizza Hut, cause I have to move away in less than 10 months.

I fear my youth is leaving me.  I watched Citizen Kane yesterday.  His childhood was stolen from him.

“Deep Creek” may very well be my “Rosebud.”

July 8, 1997 – Tuesday – 10:30 p.m.

Okay.  So, Kate has been taking guitar lessons from Paul, a 23-year-old married guitar player at church.  They’ve become good friends and Kate supposedly had a crush on him.  Charlie confronted the issue and that seems to be the main reason they broke up.  His wife Sharon doesn’t know, and I’m sure nothing actually happened between Kate and Paul, but it doesn’t look good.  Charlie is really hurting, hates Paul, loves Kate, and has even confessed to suicidal thoughts.  He’s even thought of killing Paul.  The house he was renting sold, so he’s living with a family who has a huge collection of shotguns in their living room and Charlie just sits there staring at those guns.

Things aren’t good.  But the Lord reigns supreme.  Charlie is just heart broken.

To my surprise, Sherry has enrolled back in school for the summer.  I haven’t seen her since December.  She asked me out to a movie some night this week.

Jeni and I had another talk.  She said she always felt responsible for how close we had gotten physically when we were a couple since she unbuttoned her own shirt while kissing me.  I told her it was both of us.  She also bought me flowers as a way of saying “thank you” for letting her stay with me this past week.

Abigail came up again.  Her and the girls have gone up to Cincinnati for a while.

I discovered online that the Rebecca St. James concert is sold out for this Sunday.  I didn’t even know they sold tickets in advance.  That’s bad news, but I think we’ll still make it to Deep Creek this weekend.

All seems to be well except for Charlie.  And it seems Vince and Laura got things worked out, so he says, so they are still together.

And here I am, alone, writing about my friends.  I wonder if any of them are writing about me.

July 7, 1997 – Monday – 1:25 a.m.

Wow, what a recent couple of days.

Thursday evening I hung out with Lindy, Ann-Marie, Tracey, and Jeni at the Mill Pond.  Jeni and I found sticks and pretended they were swords.  Then we started wrestling.  I had a good time, and right now I can’t remember what I did later that night.

Friday, the fourth of July, came and for the first half of the day I waited around for Vince, so he and I and Allen could do something.  But he went out to eat with Laura and never came back.  So, I just left with Tracey and Jeni.  We went to the Tweetsie Railroad parking lot just to see what was going on, then we went to The Farm House to see Derek and Dawn, and then we ended up at the dollar theater and watched Sling Blade.  Wow, a great film!

Saturday morning began with me trying to get a five foot snake out of one of my residents’ bed.  That is a story in and of itself, but we finally got it out.

Also, Vince confronted Laura about their physical issues.  She ran away from him on Saturday.  Then she returned and brought him a box full of everything he ever gave her.  Charlie came over and Vince, Allen, Charlie and myself had a big talk about relationships.  Vince and Laura got things worked out, but Charlie and Kate…oh boy!

After we talked for a while on Saturday, we went to Johnson City, TN and walked around the mall.  We ate pizza, saw Men in Black, a completely stupid movie, and Charlie stopped to look at engagement rings.  It was weird.  They’ve broken up, but he’s looking at engagement rings.  That stage of my life seems so far away from me right now.

Charlie is a mess, but Kate seems to love her newly found freedom away from him.

Sunday (today) was Homecoming Sunday.  Our new pastor was there.  His name is Brent.  Jim was also there.  There was a lot of food, so I ate a good lunch.

A girl, a visitor, caught my eye and we smiled at each other; so delightful when a new face comes along.

A lot of guys from the church made plans to play tennis that afternoon, and we did, but then Charlie came by with a hitchhiker and asked me to go with the two of them to Lenoir.

There is a very detailed story that I must explain, but I’ll do that in the morning hopefully.

Dan is back.  He looks like Jesus with his long hair and beard.  We’ve had so much fun already.  He’s staying with me.

More to tell, but I’m so sleepy.

July 3, 1997 – Thursday – 11:15 a.m.

There was an amazing thunderstorm last night.  It was so loud and very bright.

So, the thing with Vince and Laura is that they just got too close physically.  He would be rubbing her stomach and she would just push is hand further down.  This was crazy for me to hear.  I thought Laura was the most innocent and wonderful girl alive.  But look at me, Jeni and I got way too close as well.  Vince said they never went all the way, we all make mistakes.  Vince made Laura his God; he put her before the Lord.  And that always ends badly.

Last night was a bit of a confession time between Vince, Allen and I.  We confessed our sins to each other and we sharpened each other.  I was not alone and I never will be.  I may feel it sometimes, but I am never truly alone.  Those guys mean the world to me.

We prayed together last night.  We thanked God for his forgiveness and we also prayed for our future wives.  We prayed that God would keep them safe and teach each of us everything we need before we meet.

I’m so happy and excited!

God’s love is unbelievable!  A personal relationship with the creator of the universe is the only way to go through life.  It’s the only answer.  It our only hope!

July 2, 1997 – Wednesday – 11:30 p.m.

The box office was relaxing yesterday afternoon.  Lindy and I sure know how to laugh together. After work, Jeni, Ann-Marie, and I went to the Emporium for dinner and to see My Best Friend’s Wedding.  I laughed so hard.

But it also me a lesson.  Earlier in the day, Jeni and I talked a little about what had happened between us a few days earlier, you know, all the late night kissing.  People think we would be a good couple.  I asked Jeni what she thought when she heard people say that.  She said she felt happy and proud.

But tonight, the movie helped me realize that Jeni is just a wonderful friend that I once had a deeper relationship with.  I do not love her other than as my sister in Christ.  And I do not want to be with her.

Thanks for forgiving me for my mistakes God.

This evening was wonderful.  Vince and I finally sat down and talked.  And I mean TALKED.  I can’t go into detail now, because I’m so excited.  But my friend is back.  I am back.  Allen is back.  Dan will be here Sunday.  We will strengthen each other.

Some things have happened with Vince and Laura.  Picture the way Jeni and I used to be so physical two and a half years ago and that is Vince and Laura today.  He knows its wrong, but there are other things with her personality that he doesn’t like and he wants to break up with her.  I will be praying for them.

But right now, I am so amazed by God’s grace, love, and forgiveness.  He is so great!

July 1, 1997 – Tuesday – 12:30 p.m.

It’s Tuesday.  Forrest Gump’s mother died on a Tuesday.

July has begun.  I am forgiven.  God remembers nothing.

Since I have three rooms in my apartment and everyone had to checkout after the first show, Jeni is going to stay in one room until Saturday.  This Saturday may work out for Deep Creek, but were still not sure.

My Fair Lady has come and gone.  Last night after strike I tried to talk to Marisa about the Lord, but I’m not sure she was listening.  Help her God.  Like us all, she can’t find you alone.

So, July has begun.  Forty-eight days until I’m 21.

I watched Sesame Street this morning.  I’ll have to do that more often.