June 30, 2000 – Friday – 6:50 a.m.

I haven’t written in two weeks.  I did that on purpose, for writing makes me focus too much on myself.  I need to be more selfless.

Much has changed in the past two weeks.  As I both feared and predicted after Marie returned to New Jersey five weeks ago, she came back to Virginia Beach and broke up with me.  It was clear that she’d been heavily influenced by her parents to let me go.  Her parents grew very uncomfortable with the fact that I needed student loans to pay for school and that I used a credit card to pay for making my thesis film.

So my girlfriend broke up with me because her parents think I’m broke, and then my job gave me a raise, a promotion, a salary, and benefits, which means I’m now making $300 more a week than I had been making.  Hmm.  I just started humming Alanis Morissette’s Ironic. 

I went to Charlie and Kate’s wedding last weekend and had one of the most blessed weekends of my life.  I’ve also decided to do Marie a favor and not attend Avalon Hills anymore.  The minister who married Charlie and Kate told me about a church in my area called Forefront, so I’ll check that out.

Here I am again.  June is over.  July is here.

The summer is flying by.

March 30, 1998 – Monday – 4:00 p.m.

This month is nearly over.

I talked to Sarah on Saturday.  I asked her if this is what she wanted, for us not to be together.  She said that she wasn’t sure for the longest time and finally she prayed and gave it all up to God.  The day she did was the day that I came to her to let her go.

We both felt this was right and was supposed to happen.  We held each other and told each other not to forget how much they were loved.  I asked if it would be wrong if I kissed her goodbye.  Thankful, she said it wasn’t.

I kissed her.  We both cried and then I left.  Sunday was spent at church and with Sharon and family.  We drove around on the Blue Ridge Parkway, ate ice cream and pizza and visited a lake.  It was a fantastic time.  Lindy and I hung out with each other that night and I called Sarah just to say hi.  She said she wasn’t doing really well, but she didn’t tell me why.

Today she came into the computer lab while I was working in there and rather than talking across the room, we just emailed each other back and forth.  I think she was able to better express herself through writing and without having to look at me.  She said she was just sad because she misses me.

I miss her.

Through writing emails, we decided to meet out in the hallway and find an empty classroom.  Once there we just held each other, and, with tear-filled eyes, she kissed me passionately.

I love her.

I think we plan on talking later tonight.

Oh God.  I want you to always be first in my life.

Can she be second?

March 28, 1998 – Saturday – 11:40 a.m.

AH!!!!! I don’t understand!!

Yesterday at 5:00 p.m. the school had a cookout at Wildcat Lake.  Sarah was there.  We smiled at each other and when it was time for a big group picture, she stood by me and put her head on my shoulder.  Then we walked back to school together and told each other the coolest stuff in the world; she hadn’t talked to me like that in months and she did it while holding my hand.  We stopped and watched the sunset through the trees and stared at each other.

This is all I’ve been wanting from her, yet she chooses to give it to me after I supposedly let her go?  Why?  Why now and not before when we called ourselves a couple?  Why can’t she make any sense?  Are all women this way?  Why can’t a woman just mean what she says?  Why can’t her actions line up with her emotions?

I love women so much and I want to meet one and marry her, but man, if this is how a woman’s mind works, I’m in for a boatload of pain and heartache.  It’s not that hard!  You know you who are and you share it with others.  You don’t lie, you don’t manipulate, you don’t guilt-trip!  You just treat the other person you supposedly love with the respect they deserve.  It’s just basic logical reasoning; are women incapable of that?  Is it not in their DNA?

Oh Jesus, heal my heart and show me the truth.

March 27, 1998 – Friday – 3:00 p.m.

It hasn’t been this warm since last summer.  I’m sure everyone is outside playing.  I was down at the waterfall earlier.  What an amazingly beautiful day!

Yesterday was the same way.  I didn’t see much of Sarah.  I just did some thinking and some playing last night after Bible Study.

I knew that I loved Sarah and therefore I want the best for her.  I wondered whether her being with me was the best thing for her now though, or even the best thing for me, for that matter.

A painful peace came over me, and I knew that the time had come to let her go.

Today, at exactly noon, I sat with her in the lobby of Tate Hall.  She looked beautiful.  I told her I loved her and that the time had come for me to let her go.  I was letting her go because I loved her.  Her eyes got watery.  I touched her face and we held each other.  We talked a little and I told her thanks for everything and that I would not be a stranger.

We stared at each other.

“I’m excited about your life Sarah.”

“I’m excited about your life,” she replied.

Then we both smiled; the two most amazing smiles I’ve ever been a part of.

This story, this chapter, is not over.  Sarah will be written among the page of this journal many more times.  Of that I am sure.

January 19, 1998 – Monday – 9:40 a.m.

Thank you Jesus.  Oh man, God sure does know what he is doing.

Sarah came into my room last night after dinner.  A bunch of people were in here and she just kind of hung out.  She gave me a letter and I just set it aside.  She was sitting close to me and we were just joking around, but then we shared a look and neither one of us turned our eyes away from each other for a while.

The others went into another room and we were alone.  I read the letter she wrote in front of her.  She said that she felt like she messed up big time.  She said she never wanted to lose me.

We talked last night after the Golden Globes.  She said that all her previous relationships before me were just games, but she quickly realized that I wasn’t playing a game; that I meant everything I said.  I guess she just needed me to know that she needed more time before fully committing to a relationship that would be a serious as I desire for all my relationships to be.

But also, last night over the phone, we began to share our relationship with God to each other, and I got to share with her what really makes me me.

It was awesome.

I love her so much.

Thank you God for having us not get too far away from each other.

January 17, 1998 – Saturday – 11:00 a.m.

Okay, never mind.  I wasn’t way off.

Yesterday, Friday the 16th, was a record-breaking day for five girls came to my room and talked to me about their romantic pursuits.

First was Geana.  We talked about sex because she and her boyfriend have sex.  She knows the Bible teaches against it, but she says with him it doesn’t feel like a sin.  She was in a car accident about five years ago where she suffered brain damage.  After that, she said her thinking changed and started doing things she would have never done before.  She seemed confused and admitted as much.  I told her that if the love was true, both would stop having sex, guard their hearts and bodies, and get married.  She seemed to see the logic in that.  She’s an interesting and weird girl.  After telling me all this stuff, she then took a nap on my sofa for an hour.

And while she was asleep, Sherlive called.  She called to talk to me about Vince for she is but another girl who is crazy about him.  I told her he was still confused about Laura and to just be his friend, but to also not be a stranger.

Then, Jessica came over and we talked about her and Allen.  They went on a midnight hike at the beginning of the semester and she now likes him and wanted to know if I knew how he felt about her.

The next girl was Emily, not my pen pal, but Emily from the theater department, who plays the prostitute I have the underwear scene with in Cuckoo’s Nest.  She wanted to talk about her confusing feelings towards Timothy and AJ.

And then the last girl to desire my company and advice was Sarah, my girl, and we got to talk about us.  Thursday night, over the phone, she told me that she had a present for me, “a special present,” she added.

“Well, I’m excited,” I said.

I saw her around lunch time and we smiled brightly at each other.  I called her while Geana was asleep only to find her crying.  She said she was an emotional wreck, but that she had to go to class.  I told her she was beautiful and that I loved her.

At dinner, she was still a little weird and I told her I would look her up after rehearsal.  After rehearsal Sarah, Mason, and Jessi went to rent a movie.  I watched it with them in Mason’s room with half the freshmen Performing Arts students, but Sarah never acknowledged I was there.

I was on duty and I got a call over the radio, so I left to deal with that and never returned.  I went to my room, put on Hymn by Jars of Clay, then put it on repeat, and began to read the Gospel of John.  While reading, a peace came over me.  I have been praying for a while now for God to teach me to love like he loves.  And I realized that he answered my prayer through Sarah.  He showed me how much it hurts when he loves those who do not even acknowledge or look at him.

When I got to the second chapter, there was a knock at my door.

Sarah came in.

She sat on the floor, by the sofa I was sitting on, and laid her head upon me.  I put my arm around her and ran my fingers through her hair.

She began to cry and she didn’t stop until she left, which was about an hour later.

My eyes shed no tears.

She eventually spoke.  “You see a beauty in me that I have yet to see.  I see how much you love and care for me and its the scariest thing I’ve ever known.”

“You ought to be me,” I smiled.

“I just don’t know what to do.”

“Do you want me to let you go?”

“Not completely.”

“I know not completely, but enough where we don’t have to pretend to play this little game?  I can’t stop loving you Sarah, but I can stop trying to show it.  And you know that I’m here if you ever need someone to hold you.”

She continued to cry.

“I’ve known you’ve felt this way for a long time,” I told her, “I just wanted to be come and tell me.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“You couldn’t hurt me.”

“I don’t want you to have to need me.”

“Sarah, I needed me to love you more than I ever needed you to love me.  What has happened between us is a beautiful thing.  God has told me to love you now, because we both will need it later on.  Please don’t feel guilty.”

We looked at each other for a while.

She broke the silence with, “It’s not like I don’t love you, I do, and you know I’ll always be here,” she placed her hand on my chest, “but I’m just not ready.”

More silence passed.

“I had a cross necklace that I wanted to give you, something that I’ve had for a while that has been very special to me, but it feel out of my pocket today and I lost it.”

The tears poured from her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

After a few eternal silent moments of unending eye-contact, she finally kissed me on my cheek and said, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”  I said.

July 8, 1997 – Tuesday – 10:30 p.m.

Okay.  So, Kate has been taking guitar lessons from Paul, a 23-year-old married guitar player at church.  They’ve become good friends and Kate supposedly had a crush on him.  Charlie confronted the issue and that seems to be the main reason they broke up.  His wife Sharon doesn’t know, and I’m sure nothing actually happened between Kate and Paul, but it doesn’t look good.  Charlie is really hurting, hates Paul, loves Kate, and has even confessed to suicidal thoughts.  He’s even thought of killing Paul.  The house he was renting sold, so he’s living with a family who has a huge collection of shotguns in their living room and Charlie just sits there staring at those guns.

Things aren’t good.  But the Lord reigns supreme.  Charlie is just heart broken.

To my surprise, Sherry has enrolled back in school for the summer.  I haven’t seen her since December.  She asked me out to a movie some night this week.

Jeni and I had another talk.  She said she always felt responsible for how close we had gotten physically when we were a couple since she unbuttoned her own shirt while kissing me.  I told her it was both of us.  She also bought me flowers as a way of saying “thank you” for letting her stay with me this past week.

Abigail came up again.  Her and the girls have gone up to Cincinnati for a while.

I discovered online that the Rebecca St. James concert is sold out for this Sunday.  I didn’t even know they sold tickets in advance.  That’s bad news, but I think we’ll still make it to Deep Creek this weekend.

All seems to be well except for Charlie.  And it seems Vince and Laura got things worked out, so he says, so they are still together.

And here I am, alone, writing about my friends.  I wonder if any of them are writing about me.

August 12, 1994 – Friday – 3:45 p.m.

Cheryl called me this morning.  She had broken up with Joel earlier.  He called her and she told him that he wasn’t the same person she began liking in the first place.

She said that he acted like a jerk.

Well anyway, Marcus just called me and Joel just called him.  It looks like Marcus and I will go spend the night at his place after we get off work.  Cheryl says he really needs someone right now.  Rebecca tells me that he has started smoking and well…I’m going to be his friend.  He hasn’t hurt me yet.

He also just got fired from his job and his car is giving him trouble.

Sunday night I believe I’m going to try and see Forrest Gump again after youth group in High Falls.  Hopefully I won’t spend half the movie puking my guts out like I did last time.

The end is getting closer.

I wonder if my ending in this place will be a happy ending or a tear-jerker.