August 11, 1995 – Friday – 11:56 p.m.

Danny and Peter came over today.  They are the greatest!

Tonight was interesting however.  The only people home were Mom, Nate, and myself.  We cooked hamburgers on a grill on the porch.  And while eating, a wonderful conversation arose.  Mom told me of her high school days, a boyfriend, seeing my dad, and getting married at the age of 17.  My dad was 19.  I turn 19 in less than a week.

How stupid they were.

How could they have known?

She told me about them driving out to Arizona and being conned out of over $200 because when they stopped to get gas, a mechanic convinced them they had bad tires and needed to buy new ones immediately.  She later realized they were just trying to sell tires and make an easy buck.  This was in 1971.  Kevin was born in 1975.

They moved to Columbus, Ohio and I was born in August of 1976.  We moved to what was then West Germany in August of 1977.

She told me of a diary she kept during those days.  She ran upstairs to get them.  I read about days before and after I was born.  Her writing was beautiful.  She wrote of smells, sights, sounds.  It reminded me of one of my journal entries or even of one of Emily’s letters.  I was shocked!

On November 2, 1976 she wrote an entry.  This is a small part of that entry:

Jacob and I had our special time together today.  I love nursing him while he’s half asleep and he grins while on my nipple, so cute.

I couldn’t believe it.  This was my mom at 23 years of age.  She wrote about nursing me.  All these years, my mom was right next to me, guiding me, and I hardly noticed her.  And I’m sure that many times when she looked at me, she still saw that two month old bald-headed baby lying helplessly at her breast.

It seemed as if my mom gained so much wisdom tonight.  Or maybe it was me who gained the wisdom.  She has given me so much and through her diary, I could tell that Kevin and I kept her going through those years when my father didn’t know how to love her.

And now…although I am almost 19-years-old, I sometimes still feel like a helpless baby, needing my mother’s breast.  But it is not there.  I must be me, and I must rely on God.

My mom sees so many things I thought she did not.  I owe her so much.  I want to give her so much.

Thank you for showing me this God.

Goodnight everyone.

April 28, 1995 – Friday – 6:30 p.m.

This day is slowly coming to a close.

Our scene went wonderfully this morning.  Everybody loved it.  Everybody laughed.  Everybody told me I did a wonderful job.  They say I am a good actor.

Me.

Our stagecraft class went to Boone today to see a theater with a fly system.  Most people drove themselves since they had rehearsal this evening in Boone.  So that caused myself, Sally, and Al to get stuck in Boone.  I tried to call Shannon, but couldn’t get a hold of her.  I even went by Dana’s house, but nobody was around.  After a while, we finally found Mr. Martz and he let Sally drive the van back to school.  Sally driving a large vehicle for 17 miles up a mountain is hilarious.  It was a little adventure and I enjoyed myself.

I just got off the phone with Tenielle.  She is going to be at Carowinds tomorrow; along with everybody else:  Jenna, Wayne, Sharlene, everybody.

I love Tenielle.  She is the greatest.  Some of the best times of my life have been with that girl.

On the way to Boone, Mr. Martz and I were talking.  He wanted to know how old I thought he was.  I said 44.  He said I was close.

I told him I couldn’t wait until I was 44, just to see how wise I would be.

This was his response, “I’m dumber now at 44.  I was smart at 18.  At 18 I had everything figured out!”

It made me wonder.  I’m 18.  Was there any truth in what he was saying?

Perhaps what he was saying was… the less you know, the smarter you are.

March 24, 1994 – Thursday – 10:30 p.m.

Grandma and Grandpa are here for the night.  They’re on their way to Florida; just for the heck of it.  They’re retired so they do what they want.  Grandpa and I had a good talk about making a living.  Wisdom must come with age.

The weather is getting so warm; I love it so much.  I watched a movie on TV tonight about a woman with cancer.  It made me think of Mrs. Nance.  Bless her family Lord.

There are 46 days of school left; then the summer.  This may be the last summer I will have here.

So I will dare to be happy and make the most of it.  Nothing will stop me from having a great time.  I will not waste a second of it either.

Please Lord, let me be active, very active.  All of this is just too precious.