January 20, 1997 – Monday – 10:30 a.m.

My hands are a bit frozen.

There are no classes today due to the MLK holiday, so I went for a walk in God’s frozen creation.  I walked to Wildcat Lake and discovered the whole thing had frozen over.  It was so beautiful.

This land has so many colors and so many seasons.

And I am one of them.

Soon I too will melt away.


January 11, 1997 – Saturday – 8:45 p.m.

What a day this has been!

I woke up in a wonderful mood.  I did some homework, wrote in my journal, read my Bible, and prayed.  I went to lunch and everyone was there.

Around two o’clock, myself plus Timothy, Tracey, Jeni, and Abigail played in the snow around Cannon Cottage.  I took a couple of pictures.  After that we went to buy some condensed milk so we could make snow cream and then we watched Anne of Green Gables.  That movie is absolutely wonderful!  Anne is so beautifully amazing.  Abigail picked on me and said, “Is she the girl of your dreams, Jacob?”  I wanted to say, “No, you are,” but I kept my thoughts to myself.

We watched the movie in Jeni and Tracey’s room, and when dinner time came, everyone else went to eat, but Jeni and I stayed to finish the movie.  We had a special conversation.  Our friendship is so wonderful, possibly better than our relationship two years ago.

Near the end of the movie, before everyone left for dinner, Gilbert reached up and touched Anne’s face.

“Take notes Jacob,” said Tracey.

“Always touch the face!  Always touch the face!” Abigail shouted.

“Trust me, Jacob doesn’t have to worry about that.” Jeni said.

“What?” I asked.

“She’s saying you were a good boyfriend.” Tracey said.

That was so nice to hear and I was glad Abigail was there to hear Jeni say that.

I then left and played in the snow with Josh, Dan and Vince.

What a wonderful day!  A girly movie and snow cream with my girls, and a snow ball fight with my boys!

November 11, 1996 – Monday – 10:10 a.m.

The snow hasn’t stopped.

Saturday evening Curtis came into my room to borrow a movie to watch with his new girlfriend.  Her name is Ryan, and she’s going to App State, but it’s not my Ryan from back home.  At dinner that evening I was talking about how cute and funny Curtis sounded when he came to ask for a movie because he hates watching movies.

Jeni spoke up, “Jacob, you’re not being very sensitive.”

I turned to see Ann-Marie was almost in tears.  She is so overdramatic.  I apologized.  I didn’t know she had THAT big of a crush on Curtis.  I called her that evening and apologized again.  She was crying when she picked up the phone.  We talked for a while, but then she said that she didn’t feel comfortable talking to me about it and she said goodbye.

She’s a strange girl.

Yesterday, Abigail was sitting alone and all of her friends (Jeni, Tracey, Ann-Marie) were sitting at our table.  There wasn’t enough room, so I gave up my seat and just went back to my room so she could sit with her friends instead of sitting alone.

Abigail seems very strong in her Christian walk and I think Ann-Marie takes her for granted.  At least that’s the way I perceive it.

In 15 days Vince and I will fly up to New York.  That means I have 15 days to finish all of my work.  I want to get all of my work done so I can have a truly relaxing time in the big city.  Once we get back from Thanksgiving break we only have one week of classes before finals week.

I’ll be back in Siler City in about a month.  I will have not been home in over six months.

Can another winter already be here?


February 17, 1996 – Saturday – 8:17 p.m.

In six months I will leave my teenage years.  I will have been alive for two decades.

There was a lot of snow on the ground today.  Dan had a ski race and he won as usual.

Lindy and I have a presentation due tomorrow in our Creative Process class.  So she came over today and we worked on it together.  I wish she would notice me more.  But we had a great talk and she’s a good friend.

I took my break from being on Duty at 4:00 p.m. and Curtis and Dan and I took a drive into parts of the country that we haven’t seen before.  All of it was white.  That simple drive made my day so wonderful.  I find an insane amount of peace just staring out a car window.  The hum of the road and the beauty outside.  Good friends right next to you.  Is there anything better?

I often feel alone when I stuck on duty and everyone is out, but I also guess I like it that way.  I like myself and I’m comfortable with myself.

I watched Forrest Gump this evening.  That movie teaches so much.

I wonder where my life will take me.

In 20 days it will take me to Arizona.  But after that, who knows.  I just want to do my best for the Lord.  I often forget about the simple joys.  I want to be free.

I can do my best in Bearclaw.  I can do my best in my school work.   I can do my best in loving people.

Thank you Lord for giving me everything I need to be the best I can be.

February 4, 1996 – Sunday – 4:30 p.m.

I’m looking out my window.  God’s sun and man’s electric heater have melted the frozen moisture.  I can see the winter tree’s.  I can see the frozen leaves.  I can see the trails in the snow from Murrell’s sled as we both left our cares behind and flew down the hill.

But the wind has blown snow onto those trails.  And they are not as visible as they were yesterday.

Soon, all the snow will be gone.  And the trails will be in my mind only.

Is my mind frozen?

Is my heart?

When will summer come to me?

When will warm love come?

January 29, 1996 – Monday – 11:40 p.m.


An amazing day!

My classes were fun.  I have my two Dr. D. classes in the morning and she always makes me feel special.  She admires that I want to be a realistic actor; my Bearclaw rehearsals have been going great as well.

But tonight was amazing.  Murrell and Curtis were going skiing, I had a lot of homework to do but I figured it wouldn’t be winter forever, so I went with them to Sugar Mountain.

It was my first time skiing!  What an amazing thing!  I tell ya, I can fly like the wind, but when it comes to stopping, I am really bad.

Murrell is really a lot of fun.  I’m glad she is my friend.

Ross and John went with us.  They live down the hall on my floor.

It’s been a great day.

Thank you Father.

January 6, 1996 – Saturday – 6:45 p.m.

Something has happened.  I’m not in Banner Elk.

Friday afternoon Mike and I went to Greensboro; we saw the four o’clock showing of 12 Monkeys.  I liked it, simply because I haven’t seen a decent sic-fi movie in a while.  Brad Pitt was hilarious!

We went to the mall afterwards and I found two of Javan’s poetry books.  I bought them instantly.  Emily has those books and I read them one morning all straight in a row.

I have had a cold these past few days and I began to get a bad head ache, so Mike and I left.  I eagerly went to sleep, knowing that tomorrow would come, I would go home, and everything would be great.  I set the alarm for 6:30 a.m. and Henry and I were on the road by 7:30 a.m.

We drove and drove, but then it began to snow.  We kept going, but it kept snowing.  When were only 20 miles down the mountain from Boone, the car began skidding and Henry couldn’t make it up the mountain.

So, here I am.  Back in this house full of old farts that can’t understand me.  On the way back Henry got an attitude and scientifically explained the angular diffusion of snowfall to me.  I kept my mouth shut because I knew if I didn’t say anything he would eventually shut up.  I pretended I was asleep the whole way back.

I walked in the door and figured my own biological mother would understand how hurt I was, but she just freaks out and says I’m being selfish.  If wanting to simply go home is selfish, then I guess I’m selfish.  Then she gets on that marriage/wife thing again and thinks because I’m upset with today’s circumstances it must mean I will one day divorce my wife.

I don’t even have a freaking girlfriend!

She left the room and I began to cry.  Everyone has done this to me my whole life.  They see me as the perfect little Jacob who never sins, who has never had a bad thought in his life.  He’s an angel.  No, Jacob can’t be human and express basic human emotions, he’s perfect, he can’t let his own mother know how he actually feels in hopes to feel understood, because that’s the worst sin in human history!!

I make mistakes, I get angry, I get impatient, can’t people understand that.

I asked my mom, “why do you and everybody else have to make me out to be perfect?”

She said in a soft voice, “Oh, Jacob, it’s because you almost are.”

Tears ran from my eyes.  I had to go home that instant, so I ran upstairs and called the only soul who could make me feel at home.

And Tenielle did that.  She listened to me and made me laugh.  She understood where I was coming from and because I was hurting, I sensed that she felt the pain as well.

I talked to Tenielle today, so I guess it wasn’t a total failure.

It’s not Siler City that I don’t like; it’s the people I have to live with.  I told Tenielle that it’s really not fair to her that I only come to this area when I’m forced to.  It’s not fair to me either.  I want to see my friend and my brothers, I just can’t stand living with Henry and Mom.

Kevin’s convention in Knoxville, TN got cancelled early because of the winter storm and they got stuck in Greensboro on the way back.  They are staying the night in a hotel.

After talking to Tenielle, I came downstairs and read my two Javan books.  I found a poem that made me think of Tenielle.

In many cases

Love that blooms quickly

Like Spring’s flowers

Knows its season

And then fades


But love that grows slowly

Like the tree

Gets stronger and stronger

As the years go by


And yet this world

Has a certain need

For both the flower

And the tree


There have been many flowers that have bloomed throughout my life so far.  Some more beautiful than others.  Tenielle used to be a flower, but she is growing and changing.  Now she resembles a tree.


December 9, 1995 – Saturday – 11:58 p.m.

Thursday night, my Acting I class ate over at Mr. Taylor’s house.  I had to leave early since I had rehearsal.  He lives up on Faculty Hill, on the other side of Elk River, so I had to run all the way in order to get to the theater in time.  I didn’t realize it, but it was below freezing and the mist from the waterfall had covered the metal bridge over Elk River with a thin sheet of ice.  I was running super fast and once I hit that bridge, I was flat on my side and busted up my knee really bad.  It hurt so much.  I was wailing in pain, but no body was around, and I limped the whole way up that steep hillside.

Friday night, we went to Marty and Stan’s house and had a Chinese Christmas party.  It was a blast.  I got a neat little book.

I took my English and Lighting final exams today.  They went well.  Tonight, Vince and I went over to Rachel’s room and the two of us plus Becky watched Hook.

That is probably the last time I will see Becky.


As always, I feel really lonely.  There is still no special person.  But in a little over a week I will see how much my old world has changed.

Be with me Lord.



November 11, 1995 – Saturday – 4:29 p.m.


The cover of this journal is white.  I couldn’t find a green one.  But right after I bought this at the K-Mart in Boone, it began snowing.  I found that interesting.

So, welcome to My 10th Book of Days.  It appears as if it is going to be a rough winter.  An entire week has passed since My Ninth Book of Days ended.  I’ve been video-taping the dance concert every night since Tuesday.  Scott called me.  I was surprised.  We talked for a while.  We mainly talked about all of the problems concerning Kevin, John, and Tenielle.  Scott told me frankly, “Jacob, John and I were talking to Pastor Steve about you.  We all agreed that you were the smart one.  You left and began a new life.  These problems here don’t concern you anymore.  Be grateful for that.”

And he is right.  The job I needed to do at Abundant Life is complete.  That is why I am here now.

Today I went to Boone with Amy, Lindy, Katie, Kelley, and Becky.  I bought a scarf, some popcorn, and this pure white journal.  The picture outside my window perfectly resembles cold and freezing loneliness.  Hopefully my soul will be the opposite this winter.

October 14, 1995 – Saturday – 6:10 p.m.

Yesterday evening as I managed the house for Li’l Abner, I saw Jeni’s parents come through the door.


Remember her?

I often do not.

We talked.  Mostly about the rest of their family.  Jeni’s little cousin was there.  I asked her if she recognized me.  She nodded her head, but she did not look at me.

I do remember those days back in January and February of this year when Jeni and I were still together.  She would come into class and stare at me with a huge smile and I would look away.  I did not find her beautiful anymore.  On the outside or the inside.  That must have broken her heart.  To have someone promise you happiness for the rest of your life and then to take it all away…

I never see Jeni around other guys.  Her close friend Tracey is always with Derek.  I wonder if she is lonely.  I wonder if she is happy here.  She never looks very happy.  She does not go to Heaton Christian Church anymore.  Her facial features have changed.  Is this all because of me?  Am I responsible for the downfall of this girl?  Did I do this?

. . .

The leaves are changing colors.  They are falling off the trees.  They are turning the green grass into a golden carpet.

. . .

Things are good for me.

Dan, Jeff, Vince, Allen, Curtis, they all tell me that I am the “MacDaddy.”  They say that I have girls all over me and all around me.  They want to know how I do it.  But I don’t do anything.

Emily hasn’t written.

Syndi and I don’t talk much anymore.

Amy hangs around guys who aren’t Christians.

. . .

Soon, winter will come.

And snow will cover the golden carpet that will soon be raked away.

Moisture on my window will freeze, and soon, I will not be able to look out and see the trees that do not have any leaves on them.