August 17, 1996 – Saturday – 1:10 a.m.

My birthday.

I got my hair cut this morning.  Then went to some RA training workshops.  I put the name tags up on my hall.  There was a picnic for the RAs that evening.  And then that night Debbie and I went to see Courage Under Fire.  Actually, I guess it’s still tonight.  We’ve been talking a lot.  She seems cool.  She likes movies a lot, so we get along great.

We went to Wildcat Lake and talked for close to an hour on the swings.

We just got back.

And I am now twenty.

I never thought I would actually make it this far, but here I am.

I looked ahead in Rebecca St. James devotional book today and found a letter she had written to her future husband.  She told him, not knowing really who he is, that she loves him already and is saving herself for him.

This blessed my soul, for I too am a virgin.  Sure, there were moments where Jeni and I went a little too far, so I can’t say I’m completely innocent, but Jesus was there, protecting us from going any further.  I learned from those moments and I am moving on.

A new decade of my life begins.

I asked for someone who would simply like to watch a movie with me.  Debbie is here and I am thankful.

But to my future wife I write:  “I will stay faithful to you, even before we meet.  I love you already.”

October 16, 1994 – Sunday – 1:20 a.m.

I have finally found my dream girl.

Her name is Jeni and she is amazing.

Tonight after watching some of the homecoming games and watching a video with Derek and Becky, Jeni and I were playing on her bed, cuddling and kissing (Tracey was out), and then after a while there was a look on her face.  I asked her what was on her mind.  To sum it all up, there was something she had been needing to tell me, but she had been putting it off.  She said she would tell me, but she couldn’t look at me.  She told me that with her past boyfriend Craig, something happened with their relationship.  One evening, they went a little too far physically, but she is still a virgin.  I’m not entirely sure what that means, but she wishes it never happened and she always knew if there was a guy in her life that she cared about greatly again, he should know.

She was afraid I wouldn’t want to see her anymore.  It shocked me, but it is the past.  I told her it was okay and that I forgave her and that the Lord had forgiven her.

Then we talked about us.  I told her that I enjoy being close to her and kissing her, but that I enjoy getting to know her by talking to her even more.  She agreed and for the rest of the evening we talked about a few things, but eventually we just affirmed each other.  I told her that I didn’t want to get any closer to her physically.  She felt the same way and we just kept telling each other how wonderful we thought the other person was.

Then we prayed for the Lord to help us grow closer together through him.  I love praying with her.

Then Jeni said, “You’re making this so easy.”

“Easy for what?” I asked.

“For me to fall completely in love with you.”

May 20, 1994 – Friday – 10:05 p.m.

Now there are only ten days of school left.

All of these people.  And I may never see them again.

Yesterday, Kevin told me something that shocked me greatly.  Remember Dakota, I met him Feb 26th or around there, he’s one of Kevin’s friends from college.  I’m not sure if I wrote about him in my journal, but anyway, he is gay.  I slept in the same bed as that guy then.  Kevin said that he wasn’t gay then, but how does someone become gay?  You can’t just decide you’re gay in the span of a few months, can you?  Kevin said his parents disowned him and took his car and $27,000 out of his bank account.  Wow!

I called Jenna tonight.  Tenielle called me earlier in the day.  But I called Jenna tonight to tell them we didn’t have skit practice tomorrow.  Tenielle was already asleep.  We talked a little while and then I said these two words:  “Good night.”

She said this back:  “Good night to you too, Jacob.”

It was the way she said it though.  I wish you could have heard.

My friend, Jenna.  If she only knew, if she only saw.

Tonight at work I talked to this girl about sex before marriage.  She is about seven or eight months pregnant.  I told her I was a virgin, and thankful to be one.  She said she wished she still was.  So sad.

I can’t believe all of this is happening.  I’m graduating in three weeks.

Three weeks!

No God, let me do it all over again!  I didn’t love enough, I didn’t minister enough!  I was the only Jesus some people ever met, but sometime I just threw you in their faces.  I know so much now!  Let me do it again!

These people!  These lives!  These stories!  You’ve shared them with me for four years, and I took that for granted.  Now only three weeks are left.  It hurts so much right now.  How will it feel on June 10, 1994.

Be with me.