October 15, 1998 – Thursday – 11:30 p.m.

I feel I’m growing cold.

I haven’t held anyone in so long.

I haven’t been touched in so long.

Jenny will sometimes walk by me at work and tickle my back; so sweet.

I feel I’m losing my touch.  I’m losing my me.

Is my heart hard?

Did Sarah break me?

Can God fix me?

My old self, I want you back.

November 25, 1997 – Tuesday – 11:15 a.m.

We saw each other last night.  We even read a little devotion together.  We continue to hold hands and touch each other’s arms, but we haven’t kissed each other since Saturday night.

Those moments in her arms will be remembered as some of the greatest here at Lees-McRae.  I’m not sure if we are getting closer.  I’m not sure what will happen.  But, I do know that if I’m able to hold her for every remaining night I have here, I would forever be thankful.

She is becoming one of my favorite things.

November 13, 1997 – Thursday – 12:30 p.m.

Life has been hectic.  All I’ve been doing is trying to memorize my lines for The Misanthrope.  Lindy and I have been working together a lot.  We’ve gotten closer.  She is so funny and wonderful.

Last night, after our stressful rehearsal, I went and laid down in Tracey’s room.  The girls, knowing how stressed I was, comforted me.  Tracey gave me a massage, Ann-Marie played with my hair, and Abigail tickled my back and neck.  The female touch of a good friend sure is good medicine.  I later ran my fingers up and down Abigail’s arm.  She has the softest skin.

Jeni was there too.  She came to visit for a while.  No one was touching her though.

And Vince was there as well, next to Ann-Marie.

Oh man, I’m going to miss this place.

November 4, 1997 – Tuesday – 1:00 p.m.

After rehearsal last night, I had a message from Ann-Marie, so I called her back.  “Abigail and I want to come over and talk!” she said.

And they did.  The three of us just laid in my bed and Ann-Marie talked about the huge crush she has on Vince and Abigail said similar little things while I touched her face and hair.

Ann-Marie has low self-esteem.  It must be hard being a girl.

And Abigail said she was still in love with K.C.  And yet, I didn’t care.  I don’t need Abigail to like me, I just need to know that I comfort her.  Yes, I rub the fingers of my heart along her face and through her hair and yes, she may be taking advantage of my male touch, but none of that matters to me.  It’s simply how I tell her things that I can’t find the words for.  It’s how I let her know what she means to me.  And I know she isn’t getting the message; I know she doesn’t know that I’ve memorized the curves of her ears to the point that I can draw them in my sleep, but it doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that I know.

I’m in the middle.  I don’t know what I am to people and that’s probably a good thing.

I got Rebecca St. James new devotional today.  I read a bit of it.  Life is wonderful knowing that amazing woman lives in the next state over.

Life is wonderful knowing that it will change very soon.

And life is wonderful knowing Abigail and I share special moments together.  She lays near me and I simply touch her.  My mind is on her, and her mind is on K.C., but if I help soothe any pain, or help her let go of any stress, then I am happy.

Perhaps the Lord is using Abigail to teach me about his love.  He loves so many that do not love him back.

Hmmm.

I love you God.

Thank you for touching my face.

November 3, 1997 – Monday – 11:00 a.m.

After dinner yesterday, I followed Tracey, Ann-Marie, Lindy and Abigail to Tracey’s room.  For all of that Sunday, Abigail was placed on vocal rest.  Not only was she not allowed to sing, but she wasn’t allowed to even speak.

So, there I sat, on Tracey’s bed, with a real life Little Mermaid by my side.  It was a lazy Sunday evening and her head rested beautifully on a pillow next to me.  She was in a perfect position for me to touch her face, tickle her back, but I didn’t…mainly because I knew how much I wanted to.

Then, after a while, she looked up at me and with her own hand she ran her fingers down the side of her face.  She did it twice.

I took that as permission to do what I had been dreaming about since the moment she laid down next to me.  It had been eight months since I last touched her face.  For over an hour, with my eyes closed, but peeking every now and then, I ran my fingers down her fair and the side of her face.

She fell asleep, as did I.

We awoke.  She couldn’t say anything, so with a smile she just patted me on my head.  And I slowly left to do some homework.

I wish I could describe the flames I felt in my stomach as I touched her.  Does she know what it does to me?  But I will do my best not to worry about it and just be her friend.

She gets to speak today.  I wonder what she’ll say.

But I did nothing wrong.  She knows about the last time, yet she gave me permission this time, so I’m in the clear.  Oh, that’s a stupid way to look at it.

I’m glad she asked me.

It was wonderful.

It’s a shame we had to wake up.

 

March 1, 1997 – Saturday – 1:35 a.m.

Earlier tonight, on the last day of February, Josh and Timothy went to the Pantry to get themselves some hot dogs while all of us watched a movie together in my room.  When they returned with the Pantry dogs, Josh picks up the phone and dials a number, then I hear him say:

“Hey Jeni, I just want you to know that we went to and guess who we saw, yep, David.  And he was hugging and flirting with this other girl.”

I was convinced that Josh wasn’t really talking to Jeni and that he was just playing a joke on me, but then Timothy grabbed the phone and said, “Jeni, don’t listen to him, it was just the youth pastor at church.”

I grabbed the phone and said, “Jeni, I can’t believe Josh just did that.  I am personally kicking his butt right now.”  And I could hear her crying on the other end.

What a cruel joke.  I asked everyone to leave and I went to go see Jeni.  Everyone was over there:  Jeni, Tracey, Abigail, Ann-Marie, and Lindy.  I made sure Jeni was okay and then came back to the dorm since I was on duty.

Well, the girls then all came over and visited with me later.

First just Abigail and Jeni came.  It was weird; we just sort of held each other.  I began to run my fingers along Abigail’s face and through her hair.  Other people came in: Timothy, Tracey, Todd, Ann-Marie, Lindy, but I just kept touching Abigail’s face.  And she just laid there with her eyes closed.

I remember praying earlier in the evening.  I asked God why I was alone.  I told him how badly I needed to share my heart.  Then Abigail came over and for well over two hours I studied every micro inch of her beautiful soft face.  I ran my fingers along her forehead, eyebrows, cheeks, nose, lips, chin, and neck.

I’m falling.

This one is going to hurt.

It’s two o’clock in the morning on the 1st day of March in the year of our Lord 1997.

She enjoys my touch.

And I enjoying touching her.

Thank you God for letting me share my heart tonight.

September 15, 1993 – Wednesday – 10:33 p.m.

The past few days have been normal.

Today I had an orthodontist appointment, and afterwards I went to Wal-Mart.  Last year around this time I noticed a girl at school.  Her name is Renee.  I never really liked her, I just noticed her because is she absolutely beautiful.  Well, while at Wal-Mart, I went around the corner of an aisle and the same girl walked right by me and looked at me.  I have never spoken to her before.  We’ve never even shared eye-contact before.  But time stopped and it seemed like forever but I finally said “hey” and she said “hey” back in her sweet, soothing voice.  It stabbed right through the core of me.

Ryan was at church tonight.  I didn’t talk to her much.  I miss her.  I see her, but I just wish there was more.  I know there won’t be though.  Sherry, Veronica’s cousin, was hugging all over me tonight.  Her touch was encouraging.  We’re good friends, but it made me realize that I like being single.  And I want to stay that way for a while.  The incident at Wal-Mart made me realize that, too.

So, with Ryan, I’ll still think of her and if something happens, praise God, but I’m just going to wait for God to move.  There are other girls, but these modern productions are all very well, but there is nothing to equal from what I here tell:  that moment of mystery, when I made history, with Ryan…the girl I could never tell…