December 11, 1993 – Saturday – 10:26 p.m.

Things are weird.  I’m a little disappointed in myself.  I’ll try to explain the best I can.

We’ll start with tonight.

We had singing practice this morning, but youth group met at 2:00 p.m. instead of tonight, which meant I had my Saturday evening free.  So, tonight I went to my school’s concert choir Christmas performance.  Marcus was in it.  Everyone did a great job.

I was sitting with Nate, my little brother.  Before it all started, I turned and looked at the audience.  I saw David and Stephanie, a couple from my school.  They were having a good time.  I turned back around.

I was with Nate.

I felt alone.

A girl entered my mind.

This girl was Tenielle.  I told you about her right?  The girl from New Jersey.  Well, I thought about last night; I was at Mr. Gatti’s.  A lot of people were there, but Ryan, Amy, and Cheryl weren’t there.  Guess who was?  Tenielle, Jenna, Sunny, and their friend Sharlene (Wayne’s old girlfriend).

I was supposed to pick up Wayne and Shane (Sharlene’s brother) but I didn’t drive (mom wouldn’t let me because of the weather), so I came with Jonathan and Vicky instead.

So once I got there I saw the four girls sitting at their table and I went up to them.  They said, “Hey Dude!” mockingly.  I told them that I couldn’t to get Wayne and Shane.  They said they had ordered a pizza for them, so they had better show up.  I talked to Scott and he and I went to pick them up, but they were at a birthday party and didn’t come anyway.

Anyway, during the last hour of the thingamajig, everyone had left the restaurant except for our youth group, so we just took the place over and played some games.  One game we played required being in a circle.  I was sitting next to Sharlene but later Tenielle and Sharlene switched and she was sitting by me.

The game we played was “This is a what?”  It’s so fun.  We had to take an object and pass it around in a particular way:

Person A:  This is a coin.

Person B:  A what?

Person A:  A coin.

Person B:  A what?

Person A:  A coin.

Person B:  Oh, a coin.

And then B would tell C while A was telling B something new.  And on and on it goes.

But anyway, I would turn to Tenielle and say, “This is a coin.”  She would look deep into my eyes and I looked into hers and she’d say: “A what?”

The game went on and on.  And we laughed our brains out.  Everyone was messing up and getting confused.  

One of the objects was a sheet of paper and Tenielle got tongue tied and called it a “slut”.  She laughed so hard she roared a deep stomach growl.  Oh man.  It was amazing.  The whole time her leg was touching my leg.

One time, she even reached over, grabbed my hand and just licked it.  I have no idea why, but I’m also not complaining.

So, back to the choir concert, I was just sitting there, alone with my little brother and she was on my mind.  All I kept seeing in my mind was her face and those big bright eyes.

Then the concert was over and Marcus and I went back stage so he could get his stuff.  Marcus did an amazing job and everyone kept coming up to him and complementing him.  I wanted to have that kind of attention, but I’m not sure I have the goods to be in the concert choir.  

This was Marcus’s first year at Central and he’s doing great.  It’s my last year at Central and I’m only now beginning to break out of my shell of shyness.

I don’t know how to play the piano, but today I bought the sheet music for Canon in D.  I will learn how to play it.

I don’t like being shy.  I’m going to change.

At youth group this afternoon, Tenielle sat a few rows behind me.  While Shurby was speaking to someone in the back, I would always turn around to look, and it never failed, my eyes would catch hers and she would always be looking right at me.

But remember Jacob, only friends.

Only friends.