August 25, 1994 – Thursday – 12:20 a.m.

Today is still Wednesday to me, so I will refer to it as such.

I took mom to work this morning so I could have the car and run some errands.  I first went to my Orthodontist in Sanford.  I don’t have to go back until next May.  Then I came back to Siler City to open a checking account at First Union.  I got everything I needed concerning that.  Afterwards, I went back to Sanford and went shopping at Food Lion and Wal-Mart.  I’ve almost purchased everything I need for college.  I had some time to spare after that, so I went to the park and finished reading the “Marius” part of Les Miserables.  I enjoyed it greatly; more than the first time.

I was suppose to get my hair cut today by Ginger, so around 2:30 p.m. I went to West Lee Middle School and picked up Jenna and Tenielle.  I surprised them!  Jenna wanted to red the bus, so she did, but picked up Wayne and Tenielle, took Wayne home and then Tenielle drove with me to her house.  I had The Little Mermaid with me.  We watched that and I got my hair cut.  It’s really cool, you should see it.  Tenielle was running late, so Jenna rode with me to church.

Louie came by before I left.  He seemed okay.  For a while I thought he was made at me because he really liked Jenna, but we got a long fine today.

I was a little late to church as well, so I didn’t sing.  

Tonight was my last service.

I told Shar tonight that her letter sounded very mature and she did not scare me away.  I gave her my college address and she smiled.

Cheryl told me everyone Joel works with hates him and plans to beat him up.  He deserves it!

Marcus drove himself to church and afterwards we went to The Pantry.  It seemed everyone showed up there.  Scott was with me, then Rebecca and family came, then Cheryl and Anne, as well as Ryan and Amy and they weren’t even coming from church.

Ryan told me she wanted to do one more thing with me before I go off to school, so I’m suppose to call her tomorrow.

Scott and I went by Christi’s afterwards.  She was so beautiful tonight.  I hugged her twice and she smelled so good.  Together we watched Searching for Bobby Fischer.  It was the best!  I gave Jason my address and hugged them all goodbye.  They might go see Andy on Saturday, so I probably won’t see them then.

I took Scott home and then I drove home and almost broke into tears.  I saw all my great friends tonight.  All of them in one night.  It all sort of seemed designed by God, and it felt like old times.  Even Jason was there.

Thank you Lord.

I’m still here!!

And I have three days left!

It hurts.  All of the days from long ago are in the past.  Days of happiness.

But the pain now is part of the happiness then.

I can’t have one without the other.

August 22, 1994 – Monday – 1:21 p.m.

The few days I have left are passing by.  The atmosphere is thrilling here as always, but it’s as though it’s all going to die.  But this next time will be bigger and bright than I’ve known it before.  So, watch me fly.  I know I can do it.

There’s so much to say.  Not just today, but always.  Are these real life conversations or movies?  Will someone tell me what’s happening?  I just don’t know.  I can’t tell if it’s real.  I don’t know how to feel.  This movie plays and plays before me.  The screen before me fills and it must be his will.  It seems as though he was right all along.  From him I can feel the love every night.

But why God, why this pain?  Why does it feel like I’m going insane?  Who are all these girls that float in my head?  Oh my friends and their friends too!  All these voices ringing in my head.  This is all I’ve ever known.  My heart is literally aching in my chest.  Why me?  What’s your plan?  If you can’t do this, no one can.

Right here there are no strings

A guy like me can live like a king

Just as long as I don’t believe anything

But you’re there and I know you’re true

So here I am, I’m waiting on you.

You speak and I know I’m not alone.  You’re standing right here with me.  Off we go together.  All I do God, it’s all for you.  Just you.

August 21, 1994 – Sunday – 5:05 p.m.

Since Kevin is going to college tonight, both cars are needed and I won’t be able to attend the High Falls youth group tonight.  This morning however, Kristen showed up at church.  She enjoyed the service, but she had to leave early so I didn’t really get a chance to talk to her.

Jonathan’s car is broken some how.  When Kevin drove it back he accidentally did something to the ignition and it won’t turn, therefore it won’t start.  So Jonathan’s mom came to his house and picked him up.  His car stayed here.  

I took him home this morning.  It was time to say goodbye.  Instead I said “See ya,” and I beeped my horn as I drove off.

He told me how much positive influence I had been on his life.  And then he said, “Jacob, any good thing I do in this life, all the credit should come right back to you.”

One more person.

After hearing those words, I believe I can do almost anything in this life.

I will see you again my friend.

The church fellowship at Kiwanis Park was today.  Overall I had a good time.  Shar was there and she gave me a letter, which didn’t really surprise me since I had run into her mother yesterday and she told me that her daughter really liked me, but she never said anything because she didn’t want to scare me away.  I’ve known Shar for a long time.  She has grown up to be a pretty girl.

The letter she gave me said that she’s been praying for me as I prepare to leave for college and that she is going to get me a going away/birthday present.  I saw Shar differently today.  I told her I would write her while I was at college and we would see what might happen from there.

I do like her I guess, but I don’t Iike her like her.

Now that Jonathan is away, Jenna and Marcus finally spent some quality time together.  It’s good to see him smile again.

Tenielle drew me a pretty bald eagle and gave it to me today.

Today was my last Sunday.  Someone shared with me their infatuation with me and my best friend is hours away.  I can see his car outside my window and it looks like he is here, but he is not.  

All is coming to an end.

I saw the corner tree today while at Kiwanis Park, but I chose to not walk over to it.

Andy is in Wilmington and I believe Jason is back, so I’m going to try and see him during this final week.

Dreams are all I’ve ever known, but now in a week’s time I will begin making those dreams come true.

Next Sunday is coming closer.  I can feel my heart closing in.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t win.

August 21, 1994 – Sunday – 1:50 a.m.

I’m sad.

And I’m mad.

I came to Sanford alone this morning (Saturday).  Marcus was coming on his own in his car because he got his tags and his license.  But his car messed up so he stayed at home all day.

Band Practice was fun.  I was there with just Pastor Steve, Elliot, and Carol.  We talked about different stuff in-between songs, it was nice.  They are great people with a lot of wisdom.  Pastor Steven even asked me if I approved of a way they did a song.  He asked for my opinion, about music, isn’t that great?!

I went over to Shurby’s where Kevin and Jonathan were.  Then Jonathan and I went down to Jenna and Tenielle’s so he could get his haircut and see them before he leaves.  The four of us had fun.  They gave me a birthday card with coupons in it, allowing me a free hug from both of them whenever I wanted one.

While all of this was happening, I didn’t realize that this was the last full day I was going to spend with Jonathan.  We went back to Shurby’s around 3:00 p.m. and stayed there until youth group.  Kevin drove Jonathan’s car back home to get ready for college.  He is leaving later today (Sunday).  

Tim lead youth group.  A lot of very young and immature boys were there so it really got on my nerves, but other than that I really learned a lot.

After youth group, Jonathan and I plus Cheryl, Ryan, Amy, and their cousins rented two movies, ordered some pizza and watched the movies at Cheryl’s house.  We rented Cabin Boy and Reality Bites.  I called mom and told her what we were doing.  But she said I had to be back by 12:30 a.m. so we only had time to watch one movie.  We picked Cabin Boy which is easily one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.  Had I known that, I would have voted for Reality Bites.

Jonathan and I drove home and well, it finally hit both of us.  He has been a great friend of mine for over six years, since he and I were 12-years-old.  We are now 18.  This wasn’t suppose to happen.  I wasn’t suppose to make it this far.  I never dreamed I would really grow up one day.

As we drove home, one part of our conversation really hit me.  This is what Jonathan said, “You know Jacob, really, right now, I’m sick of just dating people.  I want.  I want to fall in love.”

“Bingo.” I said.

And it’s true.  I’ve never been “in love.”  I love, but I’ve never been “in love.”  And I want to meet someone where it just happens and not a word has to be said because it is written in our eyes.  I want someone to let me know that they would go with me through the unknown I’m about to enter into.  

Who will go there with me?

Who will?

As Jonathan and I got closer to my house, we each felt the sadness grow.  We pulled in the driveway and sat still.

Silence.

Then he opened the door.  I did the same.  I stood up outside the car and said, “Why does this crap have to happen,” and I slammed the door shut.

Tonight again I was with Cheryl, Ryan, Jonathan, and others just like last Saturday.  Those friends did last until the end.  Everyone did.

Tonight at home, Marcus came over to talk to me.  I had nothing to do with me, but he just wanted me to understand what he’d been going through.  I felt sorry for him.

Tomorrow is my last Sunday.

A fellowship is tomorrow after church.

What Jonathan goes through in a few hours, I will go through in a few hours plus seven days.

August 20, 1994 – Saturday – 1:10 a.m.

Today (Friday) I mowed the grass some, played Super Metroid, and read one of my favorite parts of Les MiserablesThe Conjunction of Two Stars.  I love it.  That’s the way I want to meet the girl I’m destined to marry.

It reminds me of when I saw the girl who sings in the choir at Union Pines High School.  For over a year I’ve only seen her three times.  I have no idea who she is but she still means a lot to me.

Work went okay tonight.  Keesha and Kevin are seeing each other and they’re trying to keep it from Marcus.  I believe I told you that already, never mind.

One more Friday here, then…

Tenielle says the saddest day of her life is going to be the day I leave.

But there’s nothing to be done about it now.  

Build up the tears.

Nine more days.

 

August 18, 1994 – Thursday – 2:30 p.m.

Dude!!  Last night, or real early this morning rather, was really cool.  After church we went to Christi’s.  Marcus wasn’t with us, because he hadn’t returned from the mountains yet.  So it was just me, Jonathan, and Joel.

Joel got on everyone’s nerves again.  He was always flirting.  Andy had some friends over; some really pretty girls.  Another girl in town was having a party because it was also her birthday.  Her name was Shandra and we all went over there.  It was the, how shall I say it, the alternative group of Sanford.  And I tell you what, they are not my type of people, but I can sort of fit in any where if you know what I mean.  They were pretty cool, but some of them were way out there, big time.

But I met some new people and even talked about Christian music with this Christian guy.  We stayed a while and then went back to Christi’s.  Christi and I talked about some stuff for a while.  She is doing great.

I took Joel home and I didn’t get back until 3:30 this morning.  Cheryl just called me.  Joel got on her nerves again last night at church.  She says she’s going to talk to Shurby about him because he’s really getting “mental.”

I probably won’t see Andy for a while.  Jason and Matt are coming back this Sunday, so I’m going to go see Jason at least once before I leave.

Cheryl wrote me a letter telling me Happy Birthday and thanks for helping me through all of her problems with Joel.

Kevin just went out with Keesha (Marcus’s sister) and they both tried to keep it a secret.  But Jonathan told me about it and Marcus had a hunch and well, Kevin has a big hickey and it’s just not a good situation.

The ending is coming closer.

Ten more days.

A lot could happen in ten days.

Look how much has happened in the past ten days. 

August 16, 1994 – Tuesday – 3:15 p.m.

Today is Sherry’s birthday.

Tomorrow is my birthday.

And then Jonathan’s birthday.

Speaking of Jonathan, he told me last night that Kevin and Sonya broke up, so Kevin and Jonathan went to see Jenna and Tenielle and he told Tenielle everything.  Jonathan said that when they left both Kevin and Tenielle had big smiles on their faces.  Whatever that means.

Both Kevin and Jonathan will leave for college this coming Sunday.

Jonathan also ran into Christi.  When we were over there this past Saturday, Hank told us all to come over Wednesday night.  Christi was with Brooke and she told Jonathan that she really wanted us to come.  Its suppose to be a going away party for Andy.  He leaves on Sunday too.

I hope my birthday is fun.

I’m going to be 18-years-old.

Eighteen!

Did you hear me?  Little Jacob is 18-years-old!

Before you know it, I’ll probably be 20.

August 15, 1994 – Monday – 9:50 p.m.

I spent the day with Kenny.  All he talked about was Jessica.  He took her out Saturday night, and they both had a good time.  Boy does he have it bad for her now.  We went out to eat and rode around.  He is staying with Tony’s brother’s family.  They are really nice.

The dad of the family plays catch with their two sons and they all eat dinner at the table at the same time and they even hold hands while they pray.  I wish our family was like that.

Then Kenny came back here and we talked about Jessica.  She leaves for Sweden on Wednesday morning.  He is going to bring her flowers.  And he’s considering going to Sweden to see her later on.  I thought it was a crazy idea, but I helped him call a travel place to find out how much plane tickets actually are.  We’ll see.

The next 12 days of my life will be spent here.  And many days after that will not.

It’s all coming to an end.  I can’t believe it.  What did it all mean?  What was all of this for?  Why do I keep asking myself unanswerable questions?

Everything is so good now.  I have so many friends and there is no tension between any one, except for Cheryl and Joel of course, but the point is, my life is so good.

Perhaps that is why I have to leave.  It’s going to be hard to start over, but I will make it and my life will start anew in the mountains.

I got some information in the mail reminding me that I have to audition for Once Upon A Mattress.  It is a requirement for my scholarship.  The auditions are on August 31st and September 1st and require a song and dance routine.  I’ve never auditioned for anything.  Oh boy!

But my God is with me.

One more Sunday.

Two more Wednesdays.

Two more Saturdays.

By the way things look at the moment, my life here might just have a happy ending.

August 14, 1994 – Sunday – 2:00 a.m.

It’s been a long day (Saturday).

Marcus and I arrived at Joel’s house early Saturday morning, like around 1:15 a.m.  He talked about Cheryl.  I told him what I knew and what she told me.  He said he wasn’t worried, because he had bought her a bracelet and a T-shirt.  It cost him $45 and he said, “So, do you think she’ll still resist me after that?”

Weird.  I told him I didn’t know.

We played cards and the way he talked and stuff…he is definitely not the same Joel.  He told me these dirty jokes and tried to get me to smoke.  I didn’t get to bed until 5:00 a.m. and I got up at 6:30 a.m. to get ready for band practice at church.

We all three got there on time and Cheryl was there.  Joel tried to put the bracelet on her, but she said she wanted nothing to do with him and she wanted nothing from him.

Jonathan joined us after band practice and the four of us went to Christi’s.  Hank and Patti were the only ones there.

Joel is on the rebound so every little girl he sees he goes crazy over.  Hank is helping him get back on track work wise, as is Scott, Veronica’s stepfather.

I saw Veronica today.  She is growing up so much.

We went to McDonald’s and Joel began talking with Danielle who works there, you know, that blonde haired girl.  Well, Marcus and I left him to go to Cheryl’s.  We stayed to watch Ace Ventura Pet Detective and then brought her back with us to McDonald’s.  She told us Ryan wants to do something with us, but since Joel is getting on our nerves, I plot to set it up to where he can’t join us.  But I’ll get to that in a minute.

We find out later that Joel and Danielle go to the park and make out, French kissing and all.  And guess what?!  He gives her the $45 worth of stuff that he originally bought for Cheryl.  Today was the first day he laid eyes on the girl.

So we decide that we’re going to go see Forrest Gump in Aberdeen tonight after youth group.  Joel finds out about it and he assumes I am paying his way since he has no money.  We don’t want him to come, so I call Ryan and ask her to tell her mom to tell her she can’t go in front of us whenever we come by there later to pick her up for youth group (she didn’t have to work).  And when Joel sees that she isn’t going, then we’ll all decide to not go and Joel will ride back home with Becca’s family.  He asked to spend the night, but I told him it wasn’t a good night.

All of this happens knowing that after youth group the four of us, Ryan, Cheryl, Marcus, and myself are going to go see Forrest Gump without Joel.  Joel didn’t find out we were plotting against him and he went home after youth group.  Jonathan came with us to see the movie and Ryan drove.

I enjoyed the movie much better this time.  No vomit.

Jenna and Tenielle both game me a letter tonight.  Tenielle’s makes sense.  Jenna’s is stupid and immature.  

However, the night was amazing!  Forrest Gump taught me so much.  Is there a destiny?  Or are we just floating around here on a huge wind?

It’s a little bit of both.

I was with four other great friends that I’ve known for so long, seeing one of the greatest films ever made.

“Life is like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re gonna get.”

August 12, 1994 – Friday – 3:45 p.m.

Cheryl called me this morning.  She had broken up with Joel earlier.  He called her and she told him that he wasn’t the same person she began liking in the first place.

She said that he acted like a jerk.

Well anyway, Marcus just called me and Joel just called him.  It looks like Marcus and I will go spend the night at his place after we get off work.  Cheryl says he really needs someone right now.  Rebecca tells me that he has started smoking and well…I’m going to be his friend.  He hasn’t hurt me yet.

He also just got fired from his job and his car is giving him trouble.

Sunday night I believe I’m going to try and see Forrest Gump again after youth group in High Falls.  Hopefully I won’t spend half the movie puking my guts out like I did last time.

The end is getting closer.

I wonder if my ending in this place will be a happy ending or a tear-jerker.