August 25, 1993 – Wednesday – 8:17 p.m.

I skimmed through Eagle’s Path tonight.  I have now realized how terrible it is.  I thought it was good while writing it, but I’ve grown in my skills and I should start over.

Nana told me Les Miserables is coming to Raleigh in October.  I’m thinking about asking Ryan if she would like to see it with me.  I don’t know.  We’ll see.

Tonight was Anne and Jason’s last night.  I probably won’t see them again until Christmas, if even then.  They are a perfect couple and always will be.

I saw Misty briefly at church tonight, but she didn’t speak to me.  I haven’t seen her since July when she gave me all those poems.  Here’s the first one:

I wish I was dead

I wish I was never born

I hope I didn’t lose you as a friend

I hope you don’t hate me

Hmm.  It doesn’t even rhyme.  Misty’s life has been hell.  Her dad died when she was eight and several of her friends have died either by suicide or someone shot them over a baseball cap.  She’s been rejected and she needs love.  I tried to care for her over the summer, but she became addicted to me.  I was so afraid she would kill herself if she knew I had zero romantic feelings for her, and I was just trying to show her God’s love.

Crazy thing is, that whole ordeal with Misty got Ryan and I talking a lot over the summer.  Ryan and Misty know each other from school, so Ryan would always want me to call her any time Misty called me saying she wanted to kill herself.

How can a 14-year-old know so much pain?

Here’s another poem from Misty:

I have so much inside me

And I have so much to give

I just need that special person

Someone for whom to live

I lie in bed at night wondering

Who will it be?

I wish I could look into the future

And be able to see

I wonder what he will be like

I wonder how he will look

I feel as if there are so many

Unread pages in my very big life book.

I guess I will just have to wait

For my future to come by

But until then I’ll keep

Dreaming with a hopeful look

In my eyes.

I can’t help but think of The Phantom of the Opera.  Misty is a pitiful creature of darkness.  What kind of life has she known?  Oh God, give me the courage to show her she is not alone.

Ryan told me tonight that Misty still calls her all the time and all they talk about is me.  I wonder if Ryan likes talking to Misty about me?  I know I would like talking to anyone about her.

August 16, 1993 – Monday – 12:58 p.m.

I feel so bad.  I’m not really sure why.

I…  I don’t know, but I know that it must have something to do with Ryan.  I want so bad to get her out of my head, especially now, but I can’t.

Ugh.  Why not?  I’m lost.

I know she is my Winter Dream, but deep down, I somehow know that we will spend the rest of our lives together.  But that is impossible, right?  I know it won’t happen, but at the same time, I know it will.

I’m not making any sense, am I?  Why does this happen, why do I feel this way for her when I know that it will just hurt me in the long run?  Yet, knowing that doesn’t stop it.  It’s like I’m not in control.  I can’t remember ever feeling this way before.

It’s like my insides jumped on a roller coaster in my own stomach.  It actually feels pretty good.

But, I started this entry feeling bad?

If Ryan and I ever do become anything, which I hope not, because I know if we broke up, I wouldn’t get over it…I just need to try and forget about her.

But I don’t want to.

Will someone please tell me what is happening to me?  Please?  Maybe I should just stop writing in my journal.  Maybe that’s the problem.

Or maybe it’s happening?  What else could it be?  It has to be that.

I’m falling.  I hope it doesn’t break me.