November 4, 1993 – Wednesday – 12:38 a.m.

Tonight will be a night to remember for the rest of my life.

The only problem is…I don’t want to remember it.

Tonight Marcus and I went to Lee Senior High School, where all of the people from the youth group go to school, but I do not.  Tonight Christi was performing in a One Act play, as was Ryan.  Marcus and I went to see them both:  Graceland and Flowers for Algernon.

Christi was in Graceland.  It was short and funny and then it was over.  I saw Christi for a few minutes after it.  She had to leave to go to Temple Theater to rehearse for her part in Sound of Music.  She did have time to ask me how I liked Miss Saigon.  I told her I loved it and we agreed that it was the saddest story.  Then boom!  She had to leave.

Next came Flowers for Algernon.  Ryan played a girl named Alice.  The guy Ryan likes, Kevin, was in the play.  He played a doctor and he also directed it.

In the play, Ryan was a girl who liked a retarded guy.  I didn’t know much about it.  There was one scene in which they hugged and then right after the two of them kissed each other.

Yes, on the lips!

On Ryan’s lips.

Ryan’s beautiful luscious lips.

Her lips.  His lips.  Kissing.

Don’t ask how I felt.  I don’t know.  After the play, Ryan came out into the audience.  Some girl called her name and ran up to her and gave her a hug.  I saw her.  There was something different.  There was something different in Ryan’s eyes.  Light seemed to shine from them.  They were so bright.  She was glowing.

I approached her and said she did a good job, then she smiled and turned back around to talk to her friends.

I wanted to leave.

Marcus and I left.

Everyone was already asleep when I got home.  I went outside and walked across the road to the field.  I stood there in the middle and stared at the moon, suspended in the sky, surrounded by millions of gorgeous stars, partially covered by the clouds passing between us.

Ryan.

In the shambles of my life, I found what I was looking for in her.

She was real.

For the first time I could feel.

I saw a world I never knew.

I saw her eyes and felt her love too.

I believed in her.

The story of my life began with her.

In this journal, these Books of Days, she is the first female name to appear.

As I stood there in the cold November air, staring at the moon, I sang the following words:

“Say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime

Let me lead you from your solitude

Say you need me with you here, beside you

Anywhere you go, let me go too

Ryan, that’s all I ask of you.”

Then I turned and through the darkness I saw my home.

I saw it in a way I’ve never seen in before.  My home.

I saw it as if I didn’t live there anymore and I was returning to it to visit my childhood.

I walked across the street through the silence, onto the property I grew up on.  I entered my house.

For seven years I have lived here.  For five years I lived in our old house about eight miles away.

Twelve years.  This is all I’ve known.  My youth.

Tonight I saw myself living here after I had already left home.  I saw myself growing up as a little boy.

In nine months I will leave this place.  My body is shaking right now.

I’m leaving soon.  And I must leave by not having something here that I wanted to return to.  There sure is nothing I can take with me.

As I was standing outside, I thought of another song that perfectly described my situation:

And now I’m all alone again nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe she’s here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of her and then I’m happy
With the company I’m keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending she’s beside me
All alone
I walk with her till morning
Without her
I feel her arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And she has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is her and me forever and forever
And I know it’s only in my mind
That I’m talking to myself and not to her
And although I know that she is blind
Still I say, there’s a way for us

But when the night is over
She is gone
The river’s just a river
Without her
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

But every day I’m learning
All my life
I’ve only been pretending
Without me
Her world would go on turning
A world that’s full of happiness
That I have never known

But I’m only on my own

Moonlight!

That’s all I saw.  The sun has gone down.  The sun has set.  The sun is no more.

Why God?

Why such beauty?

Why her?

Why today?

Do I even know who she is?

Why does her voice ring in my head?

Why can’t I understand.

Why me?

I can’t help it?

WHY GOD?!

Is it because I’m preparing to leave?

It’s been the fourth of November for nearly an hour.  And I’m sitting in my chair saying goodbye to the Sun and hello to the Moon.

The Moon is the light of night.  The Moon and the Sun share the same sky.

The only see each other once and a while.

You are sunlight and I moon, joined here, brightening the sky with the flame of love.

But only for others; not for each other.

August 23, 1993 – Monday – 4:48 p.m.

My senior year of high school started today, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Yesterday was sort of depressing.  Henry got onto me about all this stuff.  I put up with it again.  Just one more year of him.

Church was great in the morning.  My and Ryan’s skit went great.  She looked so beautiful.  At night, we had a guest speaker named Duke.  He was super funny, but very motivating.  Jason is back and he was laughing so much.  And guess what, he forgot to edit my book, Eagle’s Path.  He didn’t even read it!  I was disappointed, but it was at least good to get it back.

School went fine.  My schedule for the first semester is Computer Applications, World Geography, Art III, and Spanish II.  The periods are 90 minutes long.  Everything went fine, but boy am I tired.

My summer is over.

The summer of ’93 is no more.

A year ago as I entered my junior year, I was practically in the same position that I am now.  Some stuff has changed, but not much.

I liked Ryan a year ago, and I still do now, only much more.  I started writing My Book of Days in November of ’92.  That doesn’t seem like a long time ago.

I just put in the CATS tape that Christi made for me.

Daylight
See the dew on a sunflower
And a rose that is fading
Roses wither away
Like the sunflower, I yearn to turn my face to the dawn
I am waiting for the day

Memory
Turn your face to the moonlight
Let your memory lead you
Open up, enter in
If you find there the meaning of what happiness is
Then a new life will begin

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember a time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Burnt out ends of smokey days
The stale cold smell of morning
A streetlamp dies – another night is over
Another day is dawning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn’t give in
When the dawn comes, tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Sunlight through the trees in summer
Endless masquerading
Like a flower as the dawning is breaking
The memory is fading

Touch me
It’s so easy to leave me
All alone with a memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me, you’ll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun

Memory, my only connection to the past 17 years of my life.  The earlier years have faded away. But these recent years, the years to come…I’m writing them down to preserve them forever.

For anyone out there in the future reading this, please listen to me. You have to do what I say. Take one day at a time and be thankful for the simple joys in life. You can never go wrong when you take pleasure in the smile on a girl’s face.

This year is going to fly by, then another great summer, and then…boom!  I’ll be out there. I’ll live my life for Jesus and then I’ll be free!