June 12, 1999 – Saturday – 4:51 p.m.

I feel like crying…crying because I don’t have best friend here.  At the moment, I feel so very much alone, very misunderstood, and I never feel like I can fully relax into the friendships I have here.

I talked to Justin, Abigail, Tracey, and Sarah the other night.  They sounded so good.  Sarah and I are all healed and that completely amazes me.  But these dear people are all far away.  Justin is in town, but at camp.  I leave in a week, so I won’t get to see him.

I’ll soon be around a new group of people.  Before I even depart, I guy I don’t know from Richmond is staying with me for a week while he helps out on a film shoot.

Oh Jesus…what is going on?

How am I doing?

I feel life has become so different and I don’t want it to be.  Is it my perspective or are things really changing?  Am I still young?  What do you want me to do?  Where have all my simple joys gone?  I am missing them so.  Why all this stress?  Life didn’t use to be this way.

Mom called me the other night.  She and Henry are having problems in their marriage.  They say they’re spiritual attacks because of their involvement with the Brownsville Revival and they are going to counseling.  I hope they’re still good.

There is a family reunion happening at Deep Creek, but I can’t go due to the film shoot.

Change.  I both love and hate it.

November 4, 1997 – Tuesday – 1:00 p.m.

After rehearsal last night, I had a message from Ann-Marie, so I called her back.  “Abigail and I want to come over and talk!” she said.

And they did.  The three of us just laid in my bed and Ann-Marie talked about the huge crush she has on Vince and Abigail said similar little things while I touched her face and hair.

Ann-Marie has low self-esteem.  It must be hard being a girl.

And Abigail said she was still in love with K.C.  And yet, I didn’t care.  I don’t need Abigail to like me, I just need to know that I comfort her.  Yes, I rub the fingers of my heart along her face and through her hair and yes, she may be taking advantage of my male touch, but none of that matters to me.  It’s simply how I tell her things that I can’t find the words for.  It’s how I let her know what she means to me.  And I know she isn’t getting the message; I know she doesn’t know that I’ve memorized the curves of her ears to the point that I can draw them in my sleep, but it doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that I know.

I’m in the middle.  I don’t know what I am to people and that’s probably a good thing.

I got Rebecca St. James new devotional today.  I read a bit of it.  Life is wonderful knowing that amazing woman lives in the next state over.

Life is wonderful knowing that it will change very soon.

And life is wonderful knowing Abigail and I share special moments together.  She lays near me and I simply touch her.  My mind is on her, and her mind is on K.C., but if I help soothe any pain, or help her let go of any stress, then I am happy.

Perhaps the Lord is using Abigail to teach me about his love.  He loves so many that do not love him back.

Hmmm.

I love you God.

Thank you for touching my face.