September 2, 1993 – Thursday – 9:45 p.m

September 2nd.

September 2nd.

That’s impossible!

It can’t be September already.

But it is.  I guess that means I was having fun.

This year in Spanish II, I sit in the same seat I did last year in Spanish I.  The same people who sat around me last year sit around me this year.  Today, Mr. Benton said something funny that reminded me of something funny he said last year.  It seemed like time didn’t pass and I was still in 1992.

But time has passed.

Last year about this time, the skit group was on a roll.  We were getting new skits together and I was so much infatuated with Ryan.  Skit group practice has been some of the best times of my life.  We still have it, but it is not the same.  Brandon is gone.  Anne is gone.  Jason our leader is gone.  Kevin is gone.

Those days are gone.

I want them back so bad, but life doesn’t work that way.  They were here for a season and now they are gone.

Forever.

Even if I could live one of those days over again it would be so painful.  Just knowing that it was in the past and that it would never return would be too much to bear.

Where are they?

Silence.

Only my memories?

I want more.

September 2nd?

1993?

Please NO!

Why is life like this?  Even the most joyful times of my life end up causing a little pain.  I don’t want to grow up.  Not yet!

A senior in high school?  It’s too soon!

Retrospect hurts.

I want to stay a child just a little bit longer.  What’s the rush?

I want to go to skit group practice again.

I want to talk to Ryan in the balcony of her high school theater on September 12, 1992 again.

I want to have a lock-in at church during Halloween again, fasting all night for the lost, breaking that fast at the crack of dawn with day old pizza, and watching a sleepy Ryan and a sleepy Christi as they laid their heads on each other’s shoulders.

But it is only a Winter Dream.  No matter how much I wish, tomorrow will come.  And then September 4th, and 5th, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and then the 12th.

September 12, 1993 is going to be a painful day for me.  Help me God.

Brandon called me yesterday.  He wants me to come see him during Christmas.  I want to, but flying to Arizona costs a lot of money.

I miss him.

My best friend moved away!

August 24, 1993 – Tuesday – 9:47 p.m.

178 days left of school!

I’m excited.

The day went fine.  In Spanish II, Mr. Benton asked me if I liked the winter.  He said it in Spanish, of course.

I said, “Si, me gusta invierno.”

He said, “Por que?”

I said, “Me gusta chocolate caliente.”

He laughed so hard and shared what I said with the whole class.  Then the whole class died laughing.  I didn’t think it was that funny, but I was glad it happened.

Once I got home I slept for an hour, then I did my homework and Grandma and Grandpa drove down.  After a bite to eat at McDonald’s, we went to visit Aunt Sis.  She lives a few hundred feet from where I used to live.  She is my mom’s mom’s sister and her husband died a few years ago.  They had a few children, including Cynthia who married a guy named Murphy who laughs like an old man sneezing.  They have three boys: Lebaron, Nick, and Ethan.

Lebaron and I used to be good friends.  He is 13 now.  I haven’t seen him in a long time.

Bruce, Cynthia’s brother, married a woman name Lavern and they have at least one girl named April.  They just moved here a few weeks ago.  They are living in a trailer behind the house where we used to live.  I saw April at school today.  She is a sophomore.

They were all over there at Aunt Sis’s tonight.  Murphy and Nick came over.  Boy, are they some country redneck folks.

Several, several years down the road, I will travel with my wife and stay the night in my kid’s house and visit with family I rarely see, just like my Grandparents did tonight.  And we will spend the hours talking about everything and nothing.  But I’m in no rush to get to that stage of life.

The other day, I found a journal that Kevin had to keep in the 6th grade for school.  I found this entry:

March 10, 1987

MY DAD

My dad is coming today to pick me up from school because we are going to Greensboro.  My mom and my dad are divorced.  My dad loves my mom, but she doesn’t love him.  My mom has remarried, but my dad still loves her.

Wow.  Kevin was in the 6th grade and he didn’t understand the complexities of love.  This sure puts Veronica in perspective.  I feel so foolish.  “Muy Tonto.”

Into the Woods came on PBS last night.  I remember watching that with Jason and Christi at their house.  We ate fried bologna and banana sandwiches.  Good memories.

I got my pictures from the zoo back yesterday.  I’ll take them to church tomorrow.  After tomorrow, I won’t see Anne for a long time.  She is so sweet.

Okay, I think I did it.  I think I made it through a journal entry without mentioning Ryan.

Agh!  I just did.  Oh well.  At least I tried.

August 23, 1993 – Monday – 4:48 p.m.

My senior year of high school started today, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Yesterday was sort of depressing.  Henry got onto me about all this stuff.  I put up with it again.  Just one more year of him.

Church was great in the morning.  My and Ryan’s skit went great.  She looked so beautiful.  At night, we had a guest speaker named Duke.  He was super funny, but very motivating.  Jason is back and he was laughing so much.  And guess what, he forgot to edit my book, Eagle’s Path.  He didn’t even read it!  I was disappointed, but it was at least good to get it back.

School went fine.  My schedule for the first semester is Computer Applications, World Geography, Art III, and Spanish II.  The periods are 90 minutes long.  Everything went fine, but boy am I tired.

My summer is over.

The summer of ’93 is no more.

A year ago as I entered my junior year, I was practically in the same position that I am now.  Some stuff has changed, but not much.

I liked Ryan a year ago, and I still do now, only much more.  I started writing My Book of Days in November of ’92.  That doesn’t seem like a long time ago.

I just put in the CATS tape that Christi made for me.

Daylight
See the dew on a sunflower
And a rose that is fading
Roses wither away
Like the sunflower, I yearn to turn my face to the dawn
I am waiting for the day

Memory
Turn your face to the moonlight
Let your memory lead you
Open up, enter in
If you find there the meaning of what happiness is
Then a new life will begin

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember a time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Burnt out ends of smokey days
The stale cold smell of morning
A streetlamp dies – another night is over
Another day is dawning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn’t give in
When the dawn comes, tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Sunlight through the trees in summer
Endless masquerading
Like a flower as the dawning is breaking
The memory is fading

Touch me
It’s so easy to leave me
All alone with a memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me, you’ll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun

Memory, my only connection to the past 17 years of my life.  The earlier years have faded away. But these recent years, the years to come…I’m writing them down to preserve them forever.

For anyone out there in the future reading this, please listen to me. You have to do what I say. Take one day at a time and be thankful for the simple joys in life. You can never go wrong when you take pleasure in the smile on a girl’s face.

This year is going to fly by, then another great summer, and then…boom!  I’ll be out there. I’ll live my life for Jesus and then I’ll be free!